Diary of a Teenaged Mimic

Dear Diary,

It's kind of making me feel some kinda way that I don't technically have an Afterlife set up at this point. Then again, from what I've seen each Pantheon with any kind of Afterlife has a Deity dedicated to that kind of thing, and they really don't seem to be cut from the same cloth as me and the psychopomps I know. So even if I figure out how to build one, I'm gonna need somebody to run it. Dunno, some undefined number of years hence maybe I could convince Saffron to take the job. I'd probably have to have a special spot on her throne as Queen of the Underworld for my face, but that falls squarely into 'oh, no, not the briar patch'.

Maybe I can convince Diana to take the job in the interim. She's not exactly Underworld Goddess, but the Moon is associated with night, so she might qualify. I don't think Dommy Mommy would be a good choice, because I can't see her doing anything other than setting up a Minecraft style funnel from the bottom of the Afterlife to my Maw, then shoving people toward it. Looking to my neighbors I'm not sure Jack has time for that kind of thing, and in Boltophsberg the only one I could see taking the job is Baba Yaga, and she'd turn the entire thing into one big stew pot.

What I'd really like is somebody who would be willing to custom craft something for each of my Worshippers who shuffles off the Mortal Coil, at least in the 'their little slice of Heaven' sense. I'd say some little spot like the Bedroom, since Siobhan has made her wishes extremely clear on that, but I don't think Lindsey would enjoy being stuck in a room. Okay, maybe if it was a treehouse or something, but even then I think being stuck with windows to a forest she couldn't wander through would be a kind of torture for her. So maybe a patch of forest or something.

But my brain is already flashing the 'warning, overheating' signs at me, and I've only just gotten through like three of my most intimately connected Mortal family members. I mean, the immortal ones I don't so much need to do that kind of thing for. But my point is that I am absolutely not the person to do all that for. Maybe, just maybe, if I could actually do like Marie and do the Co-Location Avatar thing, or figure out some other way for there to be more than one of me actually thinking about shit at a time, i might be able to. But like I am now, there's just not a damn chance I could keep up.

Of course, the whole reason I'm thinking about this today is because of those deaths I mentioned at the Big Seven. Not just Dionysus or Diana, either. Mortals, who wouldn't be coming back without a Revive. Which, mind you, I'd consider... No, I'd probably do, or have Karen do, because as Saffron pointed out I need to get people believing in themselves, in each other, rather than everybody counting on me to fix every fuckin' thing everywhere forever. I can't even be everywhere I need to be to do things only I can do, I sure as fuck can't be everywhere I'd need to be to do all the shit anybody else can do.

So yesterday wound up being more standing watch, which I was mostly fine with. After dinner and Bath, Saffron and Siobhan teamed up to drag me off to trial two. Results are still pending, because there's no point in having a rule if you don't follow through with it, but signs are pointing well past 'yes' into 'oh, hell yes'. Even if her proto-rugrat seems to get all kinds of active afterward. Funny, because we'd tried to feel something while we floated in the Bath, but no joy. I kinda wanted the kids to get into it the way they did with the kits, but until Siobhan's pre-baby decided to perform on the regular, I didn't want to clue them in, or they'd be pestering her when she needed to rest.

I was not in any way going to start inducing Siobhan orgasms just to get her occupant to do the macarena.

Saffron put us both to bed after that, and she and the other ladies took turns standing watch on the Black Dragon. I watched my ladies cycle through, all of them cheering for our little Ice Pop as they watched the replay on the big screen. So weird, that in their dreams they watched what some of them had just done, and cheered one another on without a thought of shame or jealousy. Okay, it seemed both right and strange that things should be right at the same time.

Also, felt both the continued intrusion into our demesnes in the Mortal Realm, felt my resistance and the kaiju's continued persistent slogging through it. Finally, a constant pain, like a chihuahua nibbling at my toe. Only, y'know, here and now in my dreams I don't have toes. One of the kaiju invasion force had definitely made its way to M-Space.

Woke up with the idea that maybe I needed to do something about that, but Marie interrupted me. The moment I pushed myself upright, siting on the edge of the bed, she was there. "Need You."

I smiled up at her, holding out a hand. "Feeling left out?"

She just laughed and pulled me to my feet, slipping The Dress onto me. A minute later she had the boots on me as well, then held out a hand. When I took it, she stepped us both to M-Space. I realized immediately we stood in amongst the Big Seven. The Temples looked odd from here. Simultaneously both grander in scale, yet shabby. The exceptions started with the Temple of Wisdom, which looked remarkably similar, and if less impressive, better kept. The Temple of the Moon and the Temple of Kings both looked like somebody'd started renovating things. None of the Mortal damage to the Temple of Kings showed on this side, but the Temple of Storms was an absolute wreck; where the Mortal version was a solid structure that had been slammed through, this looked like it had fallen into disrepair decades before somebody drove a truck through it.

Then, finally, the Temple of Love. Which looked absolutely identical to what I saw when I visited in the Mortal Realm. No bigger, no grander, no more ostentatious. Still just a little bit like a PG-13 brothel, but not in a bad way. The kind of thing where you'd expect kids to get a nice pat on the head and a snack during the day, even if it sold entirely different snacks at night. Most importantly, it looked inviting. Like a place somebody walk in and expect to be greeted warmly, given a meal and a place to sleep, and treated like a human being, no matter who or what they were.

A short dozen Souls stood around the entrance.

"Oh, shit. Do I need to build an Afterlife now?"

Marie paused what she'd been about to say, as if she hadn't expected it at all. Then she shook her head. "Not Yet." My hand still in hers, she led me across the green to my Temple, our steps moving us far further than a single step per step. As we got closer, I saw Maenads standing there as well, one per Soul. When we got close, she waved a hand across the collected group. "Heroic Deaths."

That hit me kinda hard. These were ones who had stood up and done what they could to stop the kaiju's rampage. Stood up where an incarnate god had been stuck down like a toddler. I nodded, pulled them to me, hugging them close. "You did good."

They'd all stiffened when my tentacles wrapped around them, but when I pulled them to me and just hugged them, most of them broke down a little. When I let go, Marie gestured, and the Maenads gently divided the Souls into two groups. The ones on one side looked kinda scruffy. I think I'd seen one of them in passing on South street sweeping the street itself. Another wore nothing but rags; his 'ghost outfit' the last thing he'd worn. Rags, in the middle of winter. The guys on the other side varied a lot more, I couldn't really figure out what they had in common.

Marie pointed at the scruffy group. "Elysian Fields." Then at the others. "Valhalla."

I didn't really relish handing anybody over to Odin, but I asked both groups, "is that where you want to go?"

All of them nodded, but the guy in rags scoffed as he did. "Like they'd let me in."

Every Soul there took a solid step back. I pointed at the Valhalla bound. "Stay." Then I reached out and took the ragged guy by the upper arm. He glared right into my eyes, indignant anger buoying him despite his obvious terror. I smiled, wrapped tentacles around the rest of the Elysium bound group, and said, "let's just see about that."

One step later we stood in Hades throne room. He and Persephone sat on their thrones, and a line of petitioners stood waiting, one of them clearly in the middle of stating his case when he arrived. He stuttered to a stop, and Hades stood, nodding to me. "Mimic. To what do I..." He saw the crowd with me, frowned, and said, "new Souls normally go through my office."

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I took a breath, calming myself, because I didn't want to start shit with Hades today, just straighten some shit out. "Yeah, no. Sorry to interrupt. We can wait if you want us to?" I mean, I really didn't want to wait around, because being here, focusing on this, meant I wasn't atop the West Tower or the Black Dragon, but like I said, tryna be diplomatic.

Fortunately, he shook his head, a rueful smile on his face. "The dead have no need to rush for anything. Will this take long?"

I shook my head. "Nah. Just this group," I tugged the five guys... Actually four guys and what looked like one bag lady built along the lines of Sigyn, forward. "They all belong upstairs. Elysium."

Hades frowned, scanning through the group. "Most requests I would grant you simply due to the kindness you've shown me and mine but," he paused, and I definitely saw he felt some kinda way about what he was about to say. "By decree of Olympus, Elysium only accepts royalty, those of noble bearing, the morally exceptional, those of Heroic standing, and the relatives and close friends of the Divine."

I took a deep breath, blew it out. Turned to the five with me. "You guys still want to go up there? Sounds like it might be boring company." They all nodded anyhow, and I turned back to Hades. "Yeah, I'm guessing posthumously declaring them Heroes wouldn't work?"

Hades wavered, as if he wanted to change his mind, but couldn't see a way through the conundrum he found himself in. "I..."

I saw my moment to strike. "These five stood with your nephew against the kaiju."

His gaze raked across them. "The five of you stood with Dionysus, defending the Temple of Kings?"

Four of them nodded, but the raggedy guy whose arm I still held grunted and said, "I fought 'im in the Temple of Storms. Made a right mess out of the field."

Hades was way better than me at keeping a straight face. Not perfect, but he molded that into his smile anyhow. "Any who stood with my nephew," he focused on the raggedy dude. "Or between him and the kaiju who killed him, I count as friends." He turned to Persephone. "My Queen?"

"Go. I shall continue here."

With that, Hades reached out, and the five and their Maenads stepped forward. When they'd all touched him, they rose through the roof like it was made of mist. Persephone just nodded to Marie and I, smiling, and went back to, y'know, doing her job. I stepped the two of us back to Phileo and turned to my tiger wifey.

"I don't know the way to Valhalla. Do you?"

She bared her teeth. "Not Allowed."

I pulled all six of the other fallen to me along with their Maenads, then squeezed Marie's hand. My teeth may have been bared just as much as hers were. "Not what I asked."

She roared, and leapt into the sky, pulling us all along behind her. Okay, I know that much like Dionysus, she pulled me along, and I'm pretty sure each of the other Maenads were carrying their chosen Soul and using my tentacles as Divine ski lifts. Stealthy shenanigans may have happened, but I heard from a friend of mine who got to go to Tahoe back in the day, that's just what happens on ski lifts. Also, totally traditional for Maenads escorting Souls to the Afterlife. If the earlier five weren't getting their needs expertly taken care of in the Fields even now, I'd be surprised.

From my earlier visit, I wound up unsurprised by Yggdrasil. Once there, we rocketed up the trunk until, at long last, we came to a huge valley made up of some of the highest branches. A single huge longhouse stood in the middle of the valley. It took me a bit, pretty much our entire gliding approach, to realize what looked wrong. The foundations, instead of being a single piece, looked like they'd been cobbled together. Or like one monstrously large building had been built where multiples had stood.

We landed in front of the doors. Two big fuckers, and I mean twelve foot tall giga-Chad built guys, both of whom wore obscuring helmets and carried long as halberds, stood to either side of the 'small' fifteen foot entry door set in one of the monstrously big main doors of the hall. When we landed, they crossed their pole arms and, as one, barked out, "you may not pass!"

Marie growled, but I shook my head, taking a deep breath. "I don't deal with flunkies," I muttered under my breath, then very carefully, very gently, very surreptitiously, brought in the tips of my big tentacles, mummified the two goons, and lifted them to the sides. Way to the sides, as six more of my big tentacles reached in, set themselves against the big doors, and shoved.

I think the doors had stayed closed too long. I might have damaged the hinges. I almost cared. I stepped into the Valhal, leading my little band of heroic dead, their psychopomps, and my Wifiest of Wifes. "Odin!"

A grunt from the throne at the far end of the hall drew my attention, and I stepped us all there. I recognized him from Odin's cave, but I almost hadn't. Same guy, yeah. I recognized the burns on his neck, and one of his legs had that weird atrophy I associated with some kind of major injury. His face, though, looked different, so much so I almost didn't recognize him. Of course, once I did, I also realized why he looked so different. The side of his face with his eye patch didn't look angry, nor did it have that calculating disdain I remembered from after Odin realized he was truly fucked and needed to negotiate. Instead it just looked fatigued. Resigned.

The other side of his face had that half melted look some people got after a major stroke.

A raven stirred in his lap, and his good arm stroked another that lay there, still and silent, looking worse than Odin's stroked out side.

"Whaddya want?"

"We need to have a talk."

He rolled his eyes. "Bout?"

"Couple things. First of all, these six belong here."

He glanced at them, then back at me. Jerked his head side to side. "No swords."

I shot him a grin that was anything but friendly. More 'mocking', because while I was wiling to be diplomatic with Hades, and even family friendly with Hel, this fucker was the one who'd used my brother's intestines to tie my dad to a slab. "Oh, so you don't have any dudes here who died with an axe in hand? A mace? A knife?"

He snorted, tossing his head. "No weapons."

I motioned for the others to stay where they were, then stepped forward, Shapeshifting as I did, until I stood in front of him. Not as tall as him. I didn't need to be that big. Just big enough to reach him, really. "Oh? Really? You see any weapons on me?" He opened his mouth to say something, and I interrupted, clenching my left hand into a fist. No Mana Blade, just cracking my knuckles as I did. Before his interrupted pause ended, I did the same with my other fist. Standing there in front of him, I said, "do I fuckin' look disarmed to you?" He opened his mouth. "Want me to demonstrate just how 'unarmed' I am?" I swear I didn't extrude one, but the distinctive crackle-hiss of a Mana Blade filled my words.

He flinched. Took a deep breath. Then said, "how'd they die?" Then, before I could show my appreciation for his sudden cranial rectal extraction, raised his good hand to point at one of the Souls. "Woman!"

I shook my head. "You telling me you don't have women up here, or that they can't be dangerous with their fists?"

He shut his mouth, dropped his hand. "How?"

I nodded. "They died fighting bare handed against a fuckin' Titan."

He snorted. "Foolish."

I rolled my eyes at him. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll fit right in here then."

He opened his mouth to argue, then shook his head and snorted before turning back to the Souls. "Be welcome in th' Valhal"

After the cheering finished, the six wandered off to begin their feasting, and the six Maenads who'd accompanied them left, I turned back to Odin. "I found your sons."

He sat bolt upright at that. He tried to, anyhow, and didn't entirely fail. "Turn them t' me!"

His attempt at a booming declaration came out hollow, and he bent over coughing afterward. I stepped up and rubbed his good shoulder. "Hey, hey, hey. Don't shout, you're just gonna wreck your own shit worse." When he glared balefully up at me, but stopped coughing enough to listen, I said, "I can get one of them back for you. But it's not going to be easy." He frowned. "Or cheap." His frown deepened, and he snorted.

"Whaddya wan?"

I nodded. "For now? Peace. No sending Vikings at Atlantis. That goes for your son too." He kept frowning, but nodded. "For when I return him to you? Both of you get some fuckin' therapy." He opened his mouth to argue, and I cut him off. "This isn't a negotiation. This is a fuckin' price list. I don't care who you go to, but I wouldn't recommend a complete douchenozzle like Zeus. Skuld seemed nice, so maybe the Norns. Maybe Hestia. Persephone and Hades are both pretty solid people. Maybe some Soul in their care, or in Hel's, who knows something about not being a complete fuckin' basket case of trauma. Because something tells me that you're smart enough to do better. To be better." I took a deep breath, then let it out. "That's what I really want, you know. For all of you fuckers who have been acting like immortal, omnipotent, poorly socialized nine year olds to grow the fuck up and do your jobs like you should."

I waited, and when he finally opened his mouth I cut him off again. Because even if I was tryna be better, tryna get him to be better, he'd still pissed me off with everything he'd done to my family before I came around. "For the future? As the final price, I will ask for justice. And when I ask for Justice? You. Will. Grant. It."

He snorted. "Y'll ask for my death."

I smiled grimly at him, "are you telling me you wouldn't die to save your son?" I half turned to face Marie. "What kind of a shit father is too cowardly to die to save his son?"

I went to turn the rest of the way around, only to hear him blurt out, "Wait!" When I turned back around, he sagged. "I 'cept." One hand reaching up to cover his one rheumy yet functional eye, he shook once, then forced clarity from his lips. "I Accept."

I patted his knee. "I'll see you when I see you." Then I took Marie's hand and stepped us home.

Time is always weird in M-Space. We'd lost most of the day. Fuck it. Worth.