Dial H for Heroics

Jack felt a shake on his shoulder. He groaned and turned over. He pulled the blankets over his head.

“It’s time to wake up, Jack,” said a female voice. “We’re going to be having breakfast in a few minutes.”

“I’m good, Mom,” said Jack. He burrowed deeper into his bedding. He had solved most of his problems. He wanted to take a day to just stay in and do nothing.

“What’s the problem?,” said another voice from the door.

Jack tried to ignore that voice too. This was his lazy day.

“He refuses to get up,” said the first voice.

“Let me show you something,” said the second voice.

Jack felt the bed move and then he was falling to the floor. He grunted on impact, glad that his arm had protected his head. The bedding had wrapped around him like a cocoon.

“Go away, or heads will roll,” said Jack. He pulled his blankets tighter around him.

“Time to rise and shine,” said the second voice. He recognized it as Josie’s. She sounded way too cheerful. “Things to do, places to go, people to see.”

She started clapping her hands.

“If you don’t leave me alone,” said Jack. “You will regret it. Go away.”

“Jack, you will miss breakfast and make the kids sad,” said Josie. She nudged him with a foot. “Let’s go.”

He sat up and stretched. He glared at the two women standing over him. He squinted.

“Why are you bothering me?,” asked Jack.

“Elaine wanted to see you naked,” said Josie.

“I did not,” said Elaine. “I was simply trying to wake you so we can go about our day.”

“I am good,” said Jack. “I’m going back to sleep. Then I have to go back north. Don’t bother me until then.”

“But the girls want you to meet their teacher,” said Josie.

“Fine,” said Jack. “I know this is some horrible ploy. I will get up and meet the girls’ teacher. Is there anything else?”

“Put some clothes on,” said Josie. “Let’s go, Elaine. We can’t let Jack sexually harass you.”

“I don’t understand that, but all right,” said Elaine. “He has seen me naked already.”

“Was there tequila involved?,” asked Josie as they left the room.

Jack got up. He walked to the door and closed it. He put a lock on it and closed that tight. He remade his bedding on the floor and wrapped himself back up. He closed his eyes and savored the feeling.

It felt good to sleep in his own space. A knocking on the door disrupted that feeling.

“Go away,” He called from within his blankets.

“I have a coffee for you,” said Elaine. “Would you mind opening the door?”

Jack wrapped himself up in his blankets as he stood. He went to the door and threw the lock back. He opened the door and squinted at Elaine as glarefully as he could. He looked down at the cup of steaming brew. He sniffed the air.

He looked at her face. She smiled. The smile looked fake to him.

“Do you want your coffee?,” said Elaine.

“Josie put you up to this, didn’t she?,” said Jack. “Can a man not sleep after days in the wilderness saving the world? Is that too much to ask?”

“I think Lady Josie would rather you awake and greet the day,” said Elaine. She offered him the cup.

“She’s not the boss of me,” said Jack. He took the cup. “All right. Tell her I will come down to talk to her before she leaves.”

“She said to wait until you actually came down,” said Elaine.

“All right,” said Jack. He frowned at the untrustfulness from his friend. “Come in.”

He walked to his bed and sat down. He sipped at his cup. He looked down at the floor.

Elaine stepped inside the room. She closed the door. She wasn’t afraid of anything Jack might do. Out of all the men she had met, he seemed reluctant to take advantage of her.

“How are you feeling?,” asked Elaine. “You have all the marks of indulging in too much ale.”

“Indulged in too many elixirs,” said Jack. “You can sit if you want.”

Elaine found a chair shoved in a corner. She sat down and laced her fingers together.

He scratched his head as he thought about what he needed to do. His quest list was sparse. He wondered what Josie’s looked like. Probably had a million things to do.

They sat in silence. Jack had nothing to say, and Elaine could wait.

“I think I am ready to go,” said Jack. “Would you please get me another cup of

coffee?”

“Certainly, Milord,” said Elaine with a smile. She stood. “It will be my pleasure.”

Jack put his head in his hands. He felt horrible. He decided that he should get up. Josie would probably set the bed on fire if he tried to go back to sleep.

He quickly got dressed. He dragged his bed clothes back on the bed. He would make the bed when he got done with whatever he planned to do during the day. He sat back down as Elaine knocked on the door. He opened the door and gestured for her to come in.

“Your coffee,” she said. She held out the cup for him.

He took the cup and sipped at it. He could have done without the rude awakening, but he was back to operating level.

He noted that the princess quest was gone. He nodded. Now all they had were the minor things they had decided to do while trying to blend in with the city dwellers around them.

Once those were done, they could go home and leave this life of heroism behind once and for all.

He decided he was going to take the day off and just look around. He had done enough work in the last few days. He could take a few hours for himself.

And he had to run the ledgers over to Mister Guin to see what he thought of things.

“How do you feel?,” Elaine asked.

“Pretty terrible,” said Jack. “Let’s see if there is any food left. I’m taking a day off. I drank too many elixirs while I was chasing Dark Rider.”

“Potions can be bad for you,” said Elaine. “Let’s go, Milord. I’ll help you down the stairs.”

“Thanks for that,” said Jack. “I’m older than I look.”

“That’s obvious,” said Elaine.

She took his arm. He stood and limped along with her as they went down the stairs. He grunted at the girls moving around about their chores. Josie raised her eyebrows at the two of them limping toward the kitchen.

“Morning, sunshine,” said Josie.

“Hate you,” said Jack. “Hate you with the power of a million suns.”

“Is that more than nine thousand?,” said Josie.

“More than ninety thousand,” said Jack.

“Have a seat, Milord,” said Elaine. She pulled a chair for him. He sat down and put his head on his arms, on the table.

“Hungover?,” said Josie.

“I see you saved the princess,” said Jack. He didn’t look up from his resting spot.

“It was a breeze,” said Josie. “I see you stopped the Dark Rider. What was the story around that?”

“He was a doofus and cursed himself and wrecked what he was fighting for with his one big play,” said Jack. “Magicians were real here at one point. So we might see a real one sooner or later if we stay.”

“The princess was framed and exiled and lost everything,” said Josie. “I got her a duchy on the backs of a rebellion led by a villain. I think I have an archer lined up to teach the girls, and they are elves.”

“Get out of here,” said Jack. He opened one of his eyes. “Is there a Santa Claus?”

“I’m not talking about Christmas elves,” said Josie. She shook her head. “I’m talking about Legolas elves.”

“Let me know if they look as good as Liv Tyler,” said Jack. “Otherwise, I don’t care.”

“They look better than that,” said Josie. “We’re going down to the Adventurers’ Hall. Do you want to go with us?”

“I have to go back up north,” said Jack. “I agreed to find this magic ring as part of our deal with Guin. I need to give him copies of the ledgers so he can track down all the people in them from the Montrose. It looks like the Exchange is involved somehow, but we’re not sure.”

“The bank where we exchanged our gold?,” said Josie.

“You remember the women in the cages in that building,” said Jack.

“The one where we had Linus look into who owned it?,” said Josie. “What about it?”

“Guess who owns it,” said Jack.

“You have to be kidding me,” said Josie. “The bank owns that building? That makes me want to burn the place down.”

“We’re going to have to take a softer approach if we want to clear the bank out,” said Jack. “We’re going to need some kind of replacement for it.”

“I don’t want to replace it,” said Josie.

“We have to look after the rest of the country whether we want to or not,” said Jack. “The Society is not going to be happy that we’re ripping everything up and not fixing anything. They were already not happy that we decided to mark all the Montrose members with a curse since it wasn’t the primary mission.”

“But the primary missions are done,” said Josie. “Will they let us stay here until the rest of the quests are done?”

“I don’t see why not as long as we’re working on them,” said Jack. “But I don’t drag people to another universe and expect them to fix things for me either.”

“This does have a Guardians of the Universe feel, doesn’t it?,” said Josie.

“Maybe,” said Jack. “Who were they?”

“The guys who ran the Green Lantern Corps for so long, and then writers started making them stupid jerks unable to learn from their mistakes,” said Josie. “Those guys.”

“I guess,” said Jack. “Either way, we have to keep going until they yank us out of here. We have to plan like we’re going to be here forever, but might die. So we need wills, retirement funds, some insurance, and something to hand down to Elaine and the girls.”

“The Exchange seems to be the only bank around,” said Josie. “You think they hold the royal treasury too?”

“Don’t know,” said Jack. “It might be something to look for when we do start looking at them. Is slavery even legal here? Are we the criminals?”

“Slavery is only legal for work farms,” said Elaine. “Criminals are sometimes posted there as part of the food processing for the kingdom. Eventually they are released back in the world when their service is done.”

“So the Montrose are definitely over the line and valid targets of vigilantism,” said Jack. “I’m Batman.”

“I think you need to come with us and recover from your night of carousing,” said Josie. “You can be Batman tomorrow.”

“That’s fine,” said Jack. “Iron Man was always the better rich guy helping people with his money any way.”

“You take that back, or you will regret it,” said Josie.

“Never,” said Jack. “I have picked my hill to die on. Dressing up as a flying rat shows a man who’s mentally disturbed while a suit of heavy armor is the way to go. What do you think, Elaine?”

“I think you both are insane,” said Elaine. “Shall we start the day?”

“I need some toast first,” said Jack.