Delusive Fate

#041

“……”

“I’m not interested in rescuing stray dogs. I can’t stand anything dirty.”

Feeling this urge to die makes me realize I’m truly alive.

I fumbled a bit, not knowing how to react to Ki Baek-woo as he stared directly at me and spoke deliberately. I should just laugh it off. It’s my fault for bothering him and making him say unnecessary things. I’ll just smile and get through this…

“Hunter…” Jung Yi-dam whispered.

“Don’t be like that. It’s pitiful.”

“You’re always too kind. This is just going to increase your workload, Yi-dam. What’s so pitiful about it?”

Two gentle voices, soft as down feathers, passed between them. I realized with embarrassing clarity: I really am alive.

I want to die, I just want to die and end it all like Choi Tae-hyuk said. I should die. For everyone’s sake. Yes, let’s just die right now.

I felt a burning desire in my heart. It was a longing that came from being alive. I thought again:

‘Yes, someone like me should just die.’

And I died. That day, at that gate.

Horribly.

***

I didn’t know I would die like that.

Baek-woo.

I really didn’t know I would die calling his name so miserably.

‘Baek-woo, I’m in pain… I’m in so much pain…’

Facing death, I called out to Ki Baek-woo in a shamefully pitiful voice. I begged for his attention. I didn’t ask for much. I just wanted Ki Baek-woo to look at me just once. Really, just once. It doesn’t have to be long, Baek-woo. Please, just one second. Okay?

But Ki Baek-woo never looked at me. Until my last breath was gone and I was completely dead, he didn’t give me even a moment of his time.

“That bastard, he’s really…”

Thinking about it now, that was just the first death. I was destined to perform countless death shows after that, well over twenty times. I became so desensitized to these repeated endings that I began to lose perspective on what death generally means. It got to the point where someone’s kid having severe constipation and bloody stools seemed about the same as me dying. That’s how I thought about it.

“Still, that was too much. How could he not care when someone’s dying right in front of him? Even if it was his worst enemy, he’d at least pay attention. Thinking about it again, it’s really unbelievable. Isn’t Ki Baek-woo a complete psychopath?”

Nevertheless, when I recall the first Ki Baek-woo, anger rises instantly. Ki Baek-woo, you fucking bastard. There’s a basic decency that humans should have. Even if you no longer loved me then, or even if you were so annoyed by me that you wanted to get rid of me, you shouldn’t have acted like that.

For a person, especially someone who raised and fed you for over a decade, to be dying and not even look… If you told people about someone like this, they would all cry out in unison:

‘Such an antisocial psychopath should be burned at the stake immediately for a sustainable and peaceful society! Burn him! Burn him!’, ‘No, you Earth-destroyers! Don’t you know that burning people produces many air pollutants like carbon monoxide, carbon dioxide, and volatile organic compounds that pollute the Earth? We have the cultural heritage of stoning from the Joseon Dynasty!’, ‘I agree with your opinion on saving the Earth. Let’s stone that psycho bastard to death for the environment! Everyone, throw stones!’, thud thud thud agh thud thud ugh thud thud.

Hmm, good. Imagining Ki Baek-woo tied to some random utility pole being bombarded with stones made me feel a bit better.

Anyway, when I died for the first time. The source of my agony then was not death itself, but Ki Baek-woo ignoring my death.

Ki Baek-woo’s coldness in disregarding my existence. Paradoxically, the cold Ki Baek-woo felt like the fires of hell. An eternal despair that overwhelms with fear just by imagining it, a terrible punishment. It felt as if that tremendous thing had appeared before me in Ki Baek-woo’s form. The dreadful flames that never died down burned me fiercely. It was torture.

I was already overflowing with pain because of Ki Baek-woo, so I couldn’t even feel the pain of my life fading away. I couldn’t distinguish whether my difficulty breathing was due to the monster’s teeth that had brutally severed my spine or because of Ki Baek-woo’s indifference.

‘Baek-woo…’

I reached out, gasping until the end. Baek-woo, why are you doing this to me…? I just came all this way because I wanted to see you. I know it’s foolish to follow you to an S-rank gate that I can’t handle, being so weak. I know it’s unsightly to end up being despised by everyone after following you here, knowing that no one likes me. But I’m still your Han-sol hyung. Whether what you had with me was really love or not, until recently, you believed you loved me. You did. So why…?

‘Baek-woo, I’m bleeding… It hurts so much, Baek-woo…. Really, Baek-woo…’

Here I am, pierced by the fangs of destruction and bleeding, calling out to you so desperately.

‘Please… It hurts so much…’

How can you not even glance at me? I’m almost dead now. If not now, you’ll never see me again. I’m going to die. Really. You should look at me one last time. This happened to me because of you.

This happened because I tried to save Jung Yi-dam, whom you said you truly loved. This happened because I stupidly tried to save your true love, who made me less than a worn-out shoe. So this is all because of you…

‘Just once… Please.’

I kept spitting out clots of blood that welled up. I muttered with difficulty. My eyes kept closing. I didn’t have the strength to lift my head.

Why did I do that?

Regret washed over me. Is this right? Is it really better for me to die and for Jung Yi-dam to live? Yes, Ki Baek-woo would probably be happier with Jung Yi-dam than with me. Ki Baek-woo said he doesn’t like me anymore. I heard it clearly. Ki Baek-woo’s voice saying he had long since thrown me away. Ki Baek-woo treated me like a sick and dirty stray animal. He didn’t even seem to pity me. Yeah… So for him to be happy, Jung Yi-dam needs to be there.

But what about me?

If I die like this, I’ll never see Ki Baek-woo again. Then I’ll be so unhappy… Is this right? Really? But can Ki Baek-woo live without me? Has the promise we made to survive together really become nothing now…?

I thought about how things had come to this. My mind crackled like a TV with poor reception, but I thought hard. I needed to sort out my reality.

An S-rank gate that I had followed Ki Baek-woo into. I was left in the safe rear with Jung Yi-dam. Or more accurately, Jung Yi-dam was safely left behind, and I was just carelessly abandoned next to him.

Normally, Jung Yi-dam and I wouldn’t have been left alone. Even though they’re rare in the world, one of the S-rank Hunters that oddly swarmed around Jung Yi-dam would have stayed with him. People didn’t allow even the slightest gap in Jung Yi-dam’s safety. Unlike someone like me, Jung Yi-dam was precious to everyone. Therefore, no matter how safe and peaceful the rear was, one combat personnel had to remain by Jung Yi-dam’s side.

But this time, it couldn’t be done. It was a really strange day. The destruction repeatedly pushed in with patterns different from usual. The raid unusually turned into a chaotic battle. To block the front line crawling with bizarre creatures, every single person was needed.

So inevitably, all the S-rank Hunters, including Ki Baek-woo, had to move to the front line. They judged that rather than dragging out this unstable melee by pulling out combat personnel, it would be safer for Jung Yi-dam to quickly resolve the battle with a perfect formation. After all, destruction rarely appears in the dungeon’s rear that has already been swept through. Having reached this conclusion, they took Jung Yi-dam to the relatively safe rear of the dungeon and reassured him many times that they would come back for him soon. Meanwhile, Choi Tae-hyuk, discovering me standing blankly nearby, frowned deeply and growled.

‘Trash not even useful as meat shield, stay out of the way if you know what’s good for you. If you get in the way this time, you’ll die by my hand, not by the destruction. No one would find it strange if someone like you died during a raid.’

Facing Choi Tae-hyuk, who was boldly making death threats, I awkwardly shrugged my shoulders. Whether because the raid wasn’t going as planned, everyone’s eyes were sharp as they glared at me, even excluding Choi Tae-hyuk. I watched the side profile of Ki Baek-woo as he stuck close to Jung Yi-dam, whispering something endlessly, and slowly nodded. I quietly replied to the visibly irritated Choi Tae-hyuk.

‘Okay, I won’t meddle. I’ll stay out of the way right here.’

So please don’t kill me. As I muttered awkwardly, Choi Tae-hyuk made a disgusted expression. I was just joking, but he really hates it…