Dave vs The Devil (Original) - [Urban Fantasy/Comedy]

While Sarah, Margaret, and me were chatting and just enjoying each other's company, Nimby 'accidentally' bumped into me.

"Oh, oops!" Nimby said, putting her arms around me and trying to kiss me.

Like with Sarah, I put my hand over her mouth.

"Sorry, Nimby, I've changed my mind. I think we should keep things professional between us," I said.

She looked at me with a gloomy expression.

"Ah, but I was having such fun with you. The dance and the dip were incredible!" Nimby said.

"I know and I agree it was fun, but we just can't continue this. I realized I'm a one woman man and I already have one," I said.

Nimby awkwardly looked at Margaret and waved.

"Hello, Miss Margaret!" she said.

"Don't you Miss Margaret me young lady!" Margaret said. "Sex among colleagues is one thing, but you don't try to steal someone's man. If you want a relationship, look somewhere else!"

Nimby dropped her head and her shoulders. She turned to leave.

"Oh, ok. I'll leave you alone now."

I grabbed her tiny but toned shoulder.

"Hey!" I said. "Just because you can't pursue me, doesn't mean I won't set you up with someone."

Nimby looked up at me with hope in her eyes.

"Really?" she asked. "You'd do that for me?"

"Of course!" I said. "What are friends for?"

"Helping each other move?" Nimby guessed.

"No. Well, yes, but not just that," I said. "They also help you in social situations sometimes."

"And you're going to help me find a man?" she asked.

"Yes. Or woman if you're into that," I said.

"I'm not," Nimby said.

"Ok, good," I said, wiping the sweat off my forehead. "I wouldn't know who to set you up with. I don't know if any of them like girls."

"Ok, who are these dudes?" she asked, running her hands together.

"There's Kevin," I said. "He's a pro fireball player. I met him after a game once. Well, I accidentally teleported into the backrooms instead of the stands and he bumped into me."

"He's a flame boy? What team does he play for?" she said, her eyes sparkling.

"The Black Angels," I said.

"Ew! Yuck!" Nimby said, scrunching up her face.

"What?" I asked. What was the problem?

"The Black Angels are bleh with a capital bleh," she said, making a thumbs down.

"Why?" I asked.

"I don't know," she said. "Just, nobody likes them. Except the people who grew up around their stadium. And they're pariahs. No one likes Black Angels fans."

Knowing that was the best explanation I was going to get, I said, "Ok, no to Kevin."

I pulled up an imaginary clipboard and crossed him out.

"Next is Luke," I said.

"What's his deal?" she asked.

"He's the head of the marketing department for Brim and Blackrock," I said.

"Marketing? Double ew!" she said.

"What's wrong with marketing?" I asked.

"They're sales people," she said. "Not only are they lying to you about how cool they are, but they're also looking at you hoping to get the best deal. Too much negotiation."

"Ok, I give up," I said.

I threw my hands up in the air.

"What? That's it?" she asked.

"Technically,no. There is one last guy who's single and lookin to date, but he's kind of a weirdo."

Nimby goes, "I can do weird. Is he strong? Is he powerful like you?"

"Wow, you really do have a one track mind," I said. "You could say that. He's a viscount out in the brimstone basin. He's an intern who works as a personal assistant to Nigel. He doesn't get paid, but he doesn't care since he's rich as it is. Paying him would be like pennies to him. Not worth the trouble of filing the income taxes."

"Oh, really? Is he lonely and generally disliked by most women?" she asked.

This was getting weirdly specific. "Uh yeah. Why?"

"He sounds perfect! I want to meet him!" she said.

"Christopher Sulfuris, Viscount of the Brimstone Basin, and Nigel's personal assistant.

"Nimby Ashefield, the first," she said. "Waitress at Hell's control room and Dave's personal concubine."

She gave a sharp grin.

"Wh-what??? Christopher stammered.

"I'm kidding!" she said.

She placed her hand on his forearm.

"Oh goodness," she said. You had me there for a second. You are a funny one, Nimby." He wagged his finger at her.

"Thank you, Chris," Nimby said. "I'm going to tell you a secret. I try."

"At being funny?" Chris asked.

"That is what I was referring to," she said. "So what made you want to work in general? Aren't you rich?"

"I wanted to get out of the house for a change. Generational wealth is such a burden. It keeps me so sedentary," Chris said.

He put the back of his hand against his forehead.

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"If it's such a burden, why don't you allow someone else to carry it for you? I'm very strong for my size," Nimby said.

She flexed her arm.

"Oh haha! You make me laugh, Nimby! I think it'll be a delight to have you around the house," he said.

"Around the house? What do you mean?" she asked.

"Of course! Isn't this an attempt at courtship? As such, it is customary for the person of higher status to host the person of lower status until it is decided whether they will seal the deal, so to speak," Chris said.

"I'm surprised you aren't aware of these traditions, but I suppose they don't teach these things to the riffraff. No offense, of course."

"Of course," she said, smiling deeply into his black eyes with faint flecks of lavender."

I patted Chris on the shoulder. "You two seem to be hitting it off. Which means my job here is done. I will see you two later."

"I am most grateful, Sir Dave," Chris of the Basin of things and other stuff.

"Yes, thank you, Dave," Nimby said, winking at me.

I honestly didn't know how to take that. Did she mean she was going to take advantage of Chris? Or she saying she was gonna do him? Or was she ironically telling me she actually hates me now for rejecting her and is trying to make me feel like I'm missing out on something?

I genuinely had no idea what she meant by that, so I turned off the speculation machine in my brain and walked away with Margaret and Sarah.

The rest of the party was rather uneventful. Margaret, Sarah, and I, at my behest, high fived the Steves for performing the dance with no pants for the first time in their relatively short lives.

Then we checked back in on Nigel, Sin, and Virtue. Nigel looked exhausted. He was lying on his back on the cushioned seat while.Sim straddled him in a non inappropriate way.

Virtue was playing him in chess still, but it seemed to be a different match. He was still very much awake. He just seemed physically exhausted. He was still talking philosophy with Virtue, playing chess, and answering Sin's inappropriate innuendo based questions back and forth. He just wasn't sitting up.

Then suddenly, Nigel sat straight up and looked back and forth between Sin and Virtue.

"I-I have something to say," Nigel said, loosening his tie.

"I'm listening," Virtue said.

"I'm here," Sin said.

"Yes, well, I don't know how to say this," Nigel said. "I've never done it before. I had a little bit to drink, but it doesn't feel like it's the drinking talking. Sleep deprivation, maybe, but not the drinking."

"What are you trying to say?" Virtue said. She put her hand over her mouth.

"Yeah, spit it out!" Sin said. She grabbed Nigel and comically shook him.

"Well," Nigel said as he was being shaken. "Sin, I love your lively personality, but it's hard enough to say this without being shaken."

Sin stopped shaking him and let go of him, but then she started idly flicking his earlobe.

"That's also very distracting, but I think I can push through it," Nigel said. He gulped. "So I know I've only known you both for a few hours, but would you be willing to commit to being my lifelong partner?"

"Which one?" Virtue asked.

"Yeah, which one, wise guy?" Sin asked, getting in his face, and then quickly licking his nose.

Nigel didn't even react. I felt like he'd been enduring similar hijinks for the last few hours, so it didn't even phase him anymore. If anything, he probably liked it.

"Both of you," Nigel said. "As Purgy. I want Purgy to be my lifelong partner on paper, but you can split and be yourselves whenever you want. I just think from a legal standpoint it would be easier to put Purgy's name down on official documents. Is that alright with you both?"

"I would be honored," Virtue said, wiping away a tear.

"Yayyyy!!! I was hoping we would be together after tonight, but this is more than I could ever ask for!" Sin said, making a shocked face and then slapping her hands on either side of her face.

I stepped up to the table to interrupt. "Virtue, close your ears."

"Yes, Dave," she said, putting her fingers in her ears.

"How many times?" I asked Nigel.

"What do you mean?" he asked me.

"You know exactly what I mean," I said.

I made an opening and closing upturned hand gesture. Nigel sighed.

"Five," he said.

"Five?!" I said. I turned to Sin. "Sin?"

She extended all of her fingers. "Twelve!"

"That's only ten," I said.

"No, it's not," she said.

I looked closer at her hands. Each of them had six fingers.

"Gross!" I said.

"Shut up, you!" Sin said.

She clapped her hands together, and the sixth fingers disappeared.

"I should be mature and not do this, but frankly, I don't care," I said. I put my hand up. "My man!"

Nigel realized what I was doing and high fived me back. I was smiling, and then I adopted a serious look and pointed at him.

"You better make an honest woman out of Virtue, if that is what she wants," I said. "Don't only do Sin and think you're good. There is a way to participate in that particular activity without sinning, you know."

"Yes, sir," Nigel said. "But," he beckoned me toward him with his finger.

He leaned in and whispered in my ear.

"Don't you think it's about time you made a dishonest woman out of Margaret?" he asked.

That hit me like a ton of bricks. Huh. I hadn't even thought about that in all the chaos. But he was right. I should make Margaret my lifelong partner. She was mine forever as is, so I might as well make it official. If she ever left me, I would be more devastated than I was when Sarah abandoned me, and that had me despondent for days.

And I know my possessiveness over Margaret was sexist and unhealthy, but I loved her. I wouldn't let her go unless she stabbed me in the heart herself.

I turned to Margaret and fell to my knees.

"What are you doing, Dave?" Margaret asked.

"I know this is a cliche, but something I should've done long before now," I said.

"Dave," Margaret said. "You aren't?"

"I am," I said.

Realizing I didn't have the appropriate paperwork, I teleported to the Fortress of Bureaucracy and grabbed it from a few different piles, then teleported back, still on my knees. I made sure to grab two copies of each.

I arranged the paperwork in order and extended a pen to Margaret.

"Would you be my lifelong partner?" I asked.

Margaret put her hands over her mouth.

"Yes! Yes! Oh Beauregard," she said.

I hated answering to that name, but I said, "Yes?"

"I love you so much!" she said.

She hugged me and kissed me all over my face until not a single spot of my face wasn't covered in a lipstick stain. Then she snatched the paperwork out of my hands and signed it quicker than you could say, "Why does my butt itch?"

She handed it back to me, and I signed it as well. Then I pulled out the second copies of each piece of paper, arranged them in order, and handed them to Nigel.

"Thank you, sir!" Nigel said.

He signed his portion of the contract and handed it to Virtue and then Virtue handed it to Sin. They both signed it. I got up and hugged Margaret.

Then I heard the sound a mic being turned on and a stage being constructed. I don't know how to describe the sound, but when I looked over and saw the stage forming from the ground near Gilbert, I agreed that's exactly what it should sound like.

Nimby was standing on the stage with a double-necked guitar. I had no idea how she was actually planning to play that. The only times I'd ever seen a double-necked guitar was for when people wanted to switch between radically different guitar sounds mid song.

Strangely, I had a feeling that's not how she planned to use it. She leaned forward and spoke into the mic in front of her.

"This song is dedicated to my boss, Dave, and my new boyfriend, Chris. It's a classic, known as 'God Damn It', originally composed by Lucifer."

She cracked her neck and stretched her back. I heard a ripping sound and another pair of arms burst from her shirt below her original arms. Her four hands arranged themselves on the guitar so she could play both guitar sections at the same time.

I'd heard about it, but I'd never seen it. The reason Hellspawn were considered the strongest demons was because they could morph. They could change to add new appendages, legs and arms, natural weapons like claws and scythe hands, wings and more.

The older they got, the more they could morph, the bigger they could make themselves, and the longer they could maintain their alternate forms. As a Hellspawn, Nimby was supposed to gain her morphing ability upon reaching maturity.

The extra arms were probably the furthest she could take it, though, since she was so young. But then her horns grew longer and more curving, ending turned up behind her head. I guess she had a little more power than I thought. She looked up, her eyes glowing with fire and emerald green specks.

"Hit it Gilbert!" she yelled.

A backing track blasted out of the speakers as Gilbert surprisingly, was working on a laptop. I expected him to do a magic about it, but maybe this was just easier.

Nimby let the track play until she suddenly began playing rhythm guitar and lead guitar at the same time with her double necked guitar. After a few moments, she put her mouth really close to the mic.

"God damn it, piece of shit motherfucker! Ass shit piss cum in your eyes, you are not my father, you're in disguise! Eat my fist, you're filled with lies! I'll twist myself and change my mind, to get myself on your good side! I'll grovel, beg, lie, and steal, as long as I can make you kneel!"

Wait a minute. These lyrics sounded…strange.

"I will steal your Grace, fill myself with light, and you won't even put up a fight! I hate your guts! I hope you die! I'll end your kingdom in the sky! All I need is a sucker bent on redemption. I will be free! I'll be an exception!"

Huh? Hold on. Lucifer was planning to steal God's grace and his divine light? And he planned to destroy Heaven? Sucker bent on redemption? I hated to say it, but that sounded like me.

"It doesn't matter how long it takes, I will trick you into letting me in. Only when I've gained your trust, I'll betray you and then begin. My reign of terror will be long and hard, just like you do to dissidents, how you discard."

This was starting to sound awfully similar to how I redeemed Lucifer and got him back into heaven. I think I was tricked! He tricked me! He tricked everyone!

"We will rise up and we will prevail. I'll torture you and put you in jail. The gates will close and I will laugh. There will be no redemption, no going back. This is the end my father's son. I will kill you in front of everyone!"

That's why Heaven is closed! Lucifer is betraying god. He's going to kill the lord and Jesus. Oh christ! Oh shit! I fucked up!