Dave vs The Devil (Original) - [Urban Fantasy/Comedy]

I tried to do that thing where you kick yourself back onto your feet without using your hands, but I couldn't do it. Apparently, having super powers didn't necessarily make you more coordinated. Steve grabbed my hand and pulled me up. I looked at the maid of honor.

"Here!" I said. "I have proof that everything you see around you is real. The demons, the unicorn, and the male stripper in the corner. His name is Tyler. He's actually really nice. He just doesn't like wearing shirts. Or pants."

"I doubt it," the maid of honor said. I really wished I knew what her name was. It felt weird just calling her the "maid of honor."

I leaned into Steve to whisper, "Are you four or are you one right now? I get the four vibe, but I want to make sure before I do this."

"Four, sir," he said.

"Good," I said.

I turned back to the maid of honor and bachelorette party.

"You are about to witness something extraordinary that will firmly cement the fact that everything you see around you is real," I said. "It will probably scare your pants off, even though none of you are wearing pants. Are you ready?"

They all put their hands up like they were in class, including the maid of honor reluctantly. She saw she was outnumbered.

"Ok, Steve here is going to turn into four identical versions of himself and then he's going to levitate off the ground, turn into swords and back," I said.

"Yes, sir," Steve said.

He started levitating first, which was fine. It made all the bridesmaids and the bachelorette shriek in glee and awe, except the maid of honor. She wasn't impressed.

After levitating, Steve split into four identical versions of himself all the way down to the white suits, black shirts, and white ties. He let that sink in, and then turned into swords that fell to the ground, and then they transformed back into humans.

"What the hell?" The maid of honor's eyes widened and then crossed. She fainted and fell to the ground. I caught her right before she landed and gently set her down.

The bridesmaids and the bachelorette excitedly went up to the Steves and started respectfully touching them—above the belt, of course—and saying things like, "How did you do that?" "Are you magicians?" "Are you quadruplets?" "What are your names and which one is Steve?" "Is she going to be ok?" and "I'd love a private show magic show if you don't mind."

"Ladies, that's too many questions—" I began.

"We are four identical beings that can combine into one." Steve 3 said.

"We are not magicians," Steve 2 said.

"We are not quadruplets as we were birthed by separate mothers, but with the same father," Steve 4 said.

"Steve," Steve 1 said. "We are all named Steve. We chose this name for ourselves because we felt it best represented who we were at the moment of birth."

"She will be fine." Steve 4 said. "She has simply rendered herself unconscious to protect her mind and ego from having to accept that everything she has seen is, in fact, really happening."

"Do you want us all to give you a private show or just Steve 3?" Steve 2 asked. "Either way, we would be happy to give you all private shows, but as we are not magicians, the show would need to have a different theme."

"Oh, I'm sure I can think of something," the tall, fit and slightly muscular brunette bridesmaid said.

She tried to wink at Steve 3 but they had slightly moved around so she didn't know who to wink at anymore. She ended up winking in the general direction of all the Steves.

"Do you have a twitch in your eye?" Steve 1 asked. "Dehydration can lead to muscle spasms. You should drink some water."

"Uh, I'll take that into consideration," she said.

The bachelorette, who initially seemed shy, took over. "Why don't all of you give my friends shows in the same room and I can just watch? Is there a private room in this place?"

I had two major concerns from this. Since it was easier, I figured I would handle the logistical issue first.

"Gilbert! I need you!" I yelled.

"Coming!" he said from across the room.

He arrived next to me. I leaned in to whisper to him.

"I need you to make this bar have a private room with comfortable furniture and mood lighting," I said. "And preferably a hidden one-way mirror so I can make sure Steve is safe and not being forced to do anything he doesn't want to."

Gilbert looked around at the women and the way they were hungrily looking at the Steves, realizing what was going on.

"Don't you think that would violate the women's privacy?" he whispered.

"Yeah, but Steve's safety is my number one priority," I whispered. "How else am I going to make sure he's okay?"

"Two options," Gilbert whispered. "I can give you a magic rock that will allow you to hear inside the room. Or I can give you a magic rock that gets hot when someone's consent is being violated."

"The second one for sure," I whispered. "I don't want to violate anyone's consent while making sure no one's consent is being violated if I don't have to."

Gilbert fished into one of the pockets in his purple robes. He pulled out a smooth black rock and handed it to me.

"Hold on to that," he said. "I shall connect it magically to the room after I construct it."

He went to the far edge of the room and began drawing circles and symbols on the wall with his magic chalk. Once he was done, he pressed his hand against the wall. Black light shot out and dissipated, and in its place was a door.

He walked back to me and grabbed the rock from my hand. He drew a symbol on it and it glowed briefly. Then he handed it back to me.

"The work is complete," he said. "Now, if you don't mind, I will continue to get 'drunk off my ass', as the youth say."

I refrained from telling him he was about two decades behind on the lingo. I didn't want to yuck his yum.

"Thank you, my good man," I said.

I clapped my hand on his shoulder and squeezed it.

"You are welcome, administrator," he said, nodding.

He walked off, back into the crowd, and disappeared. I wondered why he called me administrator in that moment. He had been doing so well about calling me Dave.

Wait. Was it because I told him to do something rather than I asked if he could do it? Was he commenting on the fact that I had just ordered him around like he was my underling? Huh. This being in charge thing was getting to my head. I needed to watch that, I thought.

Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

I turned back to the bachelorette.

"There you go," I said. "A private room."

"How did that door appear?" she asked.

"That man is a magician of sorts, you could say," I said.

"Oh! Cool!" she said.

I put my finger up. "Give me a moment with the Steves," I said.

Without waiting for a response, I went over to the Steves, and gathered them in a huddle.

"So two things. First thing, I think you want to drink some to make things even. No one likes a substantially unbalanced encounter. Second, these women want to have sex with you all. Is that something you're ok with?"

"I suppose," Steve 1 said. "How are we going to find out if we enjoy it, unless we try it first?"

The other Steves nodded in agreement.

"Ok, good. Now that's settled, you know how it works, right?" I said.

"Yes. First, the male receives adequate stimulation to his genitals which results in—" Steve 2 started to say.

"Whoa, whoa! You don't need to explain it to me," I said.

"Ok," Steve 2 said, unbothered.

"Alright now get a few drinks in you, chat with these women and then go inside and whatever happens is what happens. Just make sure you get consent first."

"Yes, sir," Steve 3 said.

I turned back to the bachelorette party.

"They're going to have a few drinks first and then you can all have whatever kind of fun you want in the private room. Okay?"

I got cheers from the group of women who perfectly matched the number of Steves. Four presumably single and ready to mingle women, and the bachelorette, who wouldn't participate, because she was getting married. But she wasn't going to miss out on watching. Nice.

Something strange occurred to me, looking at them. They weren't acting drunk. They were drinking drinks, but they weren't slurring their speech, they weren't swaying side to side, and their eyes looked clear and focused.

"Wait. Are you all sober?" I said.

"Of course! Drunk parties are dangerous! You don't know what kind of creeps will try to take advantage of you or put shit in your drink," the bachelorette said.

"Oh. So you're?" I pointed at them and then at the Steves and then back at them.

"Yes!" they all said.

"Huh," I said. "Cool."

They all went over to the Steves who were ordering Pina Coladas, the first drink I ever introduced them to. Tony made them without alcohol, since that's what they always drank. That was probably for the best. I didn't want to introduce to the Steves to booze if I could avoid it.

The girls started chatting them up and despite their literal, direct, concise, and awkward nature, the girls were enamored with them. I guess the Steves did have a certain charm to them. They were honest, loyal, kind, considerate, and good natured. What wasn't to like?

Figuring they were alright on their own at this point, I walked back to Margaret and Sarah, who were only feet away.

"You heard all that, didn't you?" I asked. "Did you enjoy yourselves?"

"Yes," Margaret said.

"Absolutely," Sarah said, staring at Margaret.

That was weird. What was she doing? Sarah began leaning in to Margaret and then I realized the problem. Sarah puckered her lips slightly and tried to kiss Margaret, who made no moves to stop her. I couldn't tell if that was consent or if Margaret was just too drunk to notice. I gently but quickly put my hand over Sarah's mouth and held her face back.

"Margaret! Turn it off!" I said.

"What?" Margaret asked.

"Your thing. You've got Sarah under your spell!" I said.

"Oh, shoot," she said, finally noticing Sarah trying to kiss her.

She closed her eyes and concentrated. Sarah blinked rapidly like she was coming out of a trance.

"What happened? Why did I almost kiss Margaret? I'm not bisexual. At least, I don't think I am. Am I?"

"You're not. It's Margaret. She's a succubus. When she relaxes or gets drunk, she accidentally releases an intoxicating charm. It works on everyone except me for reasons I won't get into right now."

I turned to Margaret.

"Margaret, I know you're drunk, but you have to be careful where you point that thing!"

"I'm sorry! We were just having such a nice conversation, and I relaxed a bit," she said.

"It's fine," I said. "No harm done other than making Sarah question her sexuality. You just need to be careful."

"I'm sorry," she said. "I'll be careful from now on, babe. I promise."

"Good," I said. "Now, let's go check back in on Purgy and Nigel."

When we found them, I almost wished we hadn't. Not because of anything Nigel or Virtue was doing, but because of what Sin was doing. Purgy had predictably split into Virtue and Sin and were both interacting with Nigel in different way.

Virtue was engaging Nigel in a game of chess and engaging in animated discussion. Sin was just patiently watching the game and listening to the conversation with her chin propped up by one arm and with her other arm behind the table.

Potentially a completely innocent scenario. Sin was giving no sign emotionally or through movement that she was doing anything with her missing hand, but I knew better than that. This was the woman who threw her panties into my face shortly after meeting me. She was up to no good.

As we approached, I could hear their conversation.

"Demons are unfairly maligned by human society, don't you think?" Virtue asked.

Nigel had a perfectly calm face, but he was sweating bullets.

"Personally, I think human society's rigid view of demons is a byproduct of not only the bible's teachings, but also humans' tendency to stroke their own egos," Nigel said. "They seem to think the intensity to which they are above other species means that anyone but them is not allowed to retain agency over the validity of their own pe-perception and values."

"I could not agree more," Virtue said.

She moved a piece on the board. Nigel shakily took his bishop and captured the piece, but had a hard time putting down his bishop in the correct spot. Ultimately, he knocked it over. Virtue picked it up and placed it correctly.

"Here, let me do it for you," Virtue said. She looked at Nigel, concerned. "Are you feeling ok? You seem, tense."

Nigel rubbed the back of his head.

"Oh, it's nothing. I'm just thinking about a project I forgot to sign off for before leaving work," he said.

"If you're too stressed, we can do this another time," she said. "I don't mind waiting. I have excellent patience."

"I'm not surprised," he said. "Patience is a virtue as they say. But no, I very much wish to continue. I deeply enjoy your company. I'm practically bursting with excitement to learn what you think is humanity's greatest weakness. Morally speaking, of course."

I stepped up to the table. This felt like a crucial moment for me to do so. I needed to distract Virtue so Nigel could release all the tension he had built up in his body without potentially being embarrassed or discovered.

I didn't want to soil Virtue's confusing level of innocence. I mean, she spent all day in the same body as Sin. How could she not anticipate Sin's thoughts and moves? I didn't have time to figure that out though. Time was of the essence.

"Hey, Virtue, there you are!" I said. "I have been looking all over for you!"

Virtue turned around to face me.

"Yes, Dave?" she asked. "Is there something you need help with? I'm eager to do so."

"I know you are," I said. "Now, the thing is, I have this thing inside me called the Crown of Corruption that feeds off sin, but if I display virtue instead, it turns into something called the Wreath of Virtue. Do you know anything about that?"

"Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh yes! You were talking to me about that earlier!" Nigel said.

His knuckles went white from gripping the table so hard. A small smile creeped onto Sin's face. Virtue looked at me confused.

"No, I don't," she said. "Is there any other way I can help?"

"Um, yes, actually," I said. "Could you name off some virtues I could practice to strengthen my connection with the wreath?"

"Uh, generosity, compassion, patience, humility, kindness, forgiveness, honesty, temperance, diligence, courage, justice, wisdom, prudence, fortitude—" she said.

"Actually, could you send me a list?" I asked. "Do you have a phone?"

"Uh, no actually," she said. "I have the control panel that can send messages, but that's it."

I teleported to a store in downtown Little Big Town, grabbed a prepaid phone, checked myself out at the self checkout, and teleported back in a matter of seconds. I handed her the phone.

"Here. Your very own hell phone. You can call, text, video call, record messages and many other things with it. I got the one with the most money preloaded on it, but you'll have to reload it when you run out. When you're about to run out, call me and I'll put more money on it. Okay?"

"Uh, sure. Thanks!" Virtue said. She looked wide eyed down at the phone. "My very own hell phone. Wow."

I looked over at Nigel and Sin. Nigel was slumped slightly against the cushioned backing of the seat. He had a tired look in his eyes. He made a move to get up.

"It was really great meeting you," Nigel said. "Both of you. I'm exhausted though. I think I'm going ho—"

"Where do you think you're going, mister?" Sin said with fire in her eyes. "You've been chatting with Virtue all night. Now it's my turn. You give me attention too or I'll never forgive you."

Sin locked eyes with Nigel, and then briefly looked down at herself. Nigel nodded in understanding. He put his hand against his forehead.

"Oh, my gosh," he said. "How could I forget to give you the attention you've rightfully earned by waiting so patiently next to me and doing nothing else and not interrupting the conversation between Virtue and me? I'm so selfish!"

A wide grin formed on Sin's face.

"I'm glad you came to your senses and realized the error of your ways. Now let us talk," she said.

She scooted as close to Nigel as possible without sitting on his lap as she could. Nigel let his left arm relax and slip under the table while holding his head up with his other arm. Exactly the same position that Sin had been in a moment ago.

"Thanks, Virtue," I said. "I'm going to go now. That's all I needed. Take care all three of you."

"Thanks, Dave!" Nigel said.

"No problem buddy," I said. I winked at him. He winked back.

"Now, what's your favorite position?" Sin asked.

"What?" Nigel asked.

"In yoga. What's your favorite position?" she said.

"Oh!" he said. "Uh, downward doggy?"

"Me too!" Sin chirped.

I left with Margaret and Sarah. I didn't need to listen to their innuendo-laden conversation that was about to follow. I got the gist of what was going on and that's what I came for. I didn't want to wait for them to come to the same conclusions together. I just dry cleaned this shirt.