A Scale of Sapphire

Aoife

In spite of first impressions, the giant was actually pretty chill. He did end up offering to share his food, apologizing profusely while doing so, and we shared a delicious, if slightly awkward, meal together. We exchanged names (his name was Avery), and I got confirmation that he was, in fact, a dude.

He was quite enthusiastic when I told him about the village we were building, and considering how his manic vibrations had shaken the tree branch, it was safe to say he was excited to be around people again. I could understand that. I was lucky to have met Erica so soon after magic returned, and there’s no way I could’ve made it this far without her.

Avery had been camping out in this tree for almost two months now, and there was a lot he had to do before he’d be willing or able to relocate to our village, so he asked that I return in a few days. In the meantime, I planned to return home for the night before seeking out the elves.

That was the plan, at least. The plan changed when a crimson blur went rocketing through the forest beneath me. The scent of blood drifting along in its wake.

…

Ethan?

Ethan

It turns out I’m pretty damn fast when I want to be. I was well out of view and out of earshot before anyone could even think to call after me.

Good. They would’ve called for Evelyn anyway, and she had to die.

The fading sunlight flickering through the trees became a smeared mess of green, brown, and deep red as I sped up ever further, but this kaleidoscope of forest green and warm sunset was suddenly interrupted by a bolt of pure blue.

“Ethan?” Aoife had just dropped from the sky in front of me, swiftly transitioning to her more human form. I slid to a stop to avoid colliding with her, and I felt her presence wrap around me like a vice. Pure, cold dread left me rooted to the spot. “What happened? Where’s Cass? Shit, Ethan, are you ok?”

I tried to answer her, but the words got caught in my throat as I was overwhelmed with unnatural terror. I could offer nothing more than a choked whimper.

“Fuck! I’m so sorry!” And then the fear was gone, or at least, close enough. “I saw you running, and I didn’t see Cass, and there’s blood on your face, and your clothes are all kind of ruined, and I guess I kind of panicked. I should’ve kept that on a tighter leash. I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok, Aoife… It’s ok.” I was panting heavily, even though I no longer had any real need to breathe. It was a habit, and I was still working through that primal fear response. “Cass is fine. I’m fine. I just needed some time for myself.”

“Do you wanna talk about it? I’m not always great with emotional stuff, you’d probably want Willow for that, but I’d be more than happy to just listen or something!”

The little dragon looked at me expectantly, a faintly hopeful look on her face. I almost laughed. It was painfully obvious just how much she wanted to help, but I knew there was nothing she could do. Oh well, if she wanted me to vent, I’d do so gladly. Apparently half the town knew about my stupid kink anyway.

“Do you remember when we first met?”

“It was pretty unforgettable, Ethan. You were trying to figure out how I’d taste.”

This time I did laugh. I snorted, at least.

“I don’t remember any of it, so I guess I want to apologize now for pondering what it’d be like to eat you.” I sighed wearily. “Apparently I said a lot of things then...”

I trailed off, and we descended into an awkward silence. Aoife said she’d listen, but I still hadn’t even told her what was wrong. Regardless of Cass’ strange reaction, and even knowing that Aoife probably knew about it already, it wasn’t easy to make myself talk about this. Even still, I had to do it. Might as well just rip the band-aid off.

“Cass started calling me Evelyn today.” Aoife’s reptilian eyes went wide, brimming with some emotion I couldn’t place. It was probably disgust. I wouldn’t blame her. “Apparently, when we met, I mentioned I’d rather use that name than Ethan. From what I’ve gathered, any time I get too high on blood, I start asking to be called Evelyn.”

The emotion in Aoife’s eyes deepened. Whatever feeling that was, she must be feeling it quite strongly.

“Do you not want to be called Evelyn?”

I almost said no on reflex. It was a disgusting, shameful secret, but I already decided to rip the band-aid off. I’d tell Aoife everything. Anything she asked, I’d answer, and if she wanted to hate me after, that was her choice.

“I do, but I shouldn’t. I know it’s gross and wrong. I know I shouldn’t be roping people into my own dumb fetish. I try so hard to keep this bottled up, but Cass won’t let me.” Rage started bubbling in me again at the thought. “It’s like she thinks she’s doing me a favor. She keeps pushing me to just do it. To just pretend to be the person I wish I was, rather than the person I am. I just don’t get how she thinks doing that could help anything. It’s maddening.”

“I see.” The way she said those two words brought sinking dread back to the fore. Her presence was still tightly restrained, but her voice was ice. She was furious. She took one deep breath, then another. “Cass and I will be having a conversation when she gets back. She probably didn’t know better, but I think you and I both know how fucked up that was.”

Aoife was horrifically angry, but apparently it was on my behalf. That’s not what I expected at all. Sure, Cass shouldn’t have done what she did, but realistically, all she’d done was enable my fetish. Surely I was most at fault here.

“Aoife?” I closed my eyes and took a breath. Rip the band-aid off. “Why aren’t you mad at me?”

She smiled at me, but it was tight and obviously forced. She seemed nervous.

“This isn’t really how I wanted to do this, but I guess my hand’s been kind of forced. Thanks Cass.” Her smile wavered. “For most of my life, my name wasn’t Aoife. My parents named me… Aiden.” She winced visibly as she said that, her smile dropping completely. “For most of my life, I thought I was a boy.”

“What?”

“I’m transgender, Ethan. The end of the world gave me an instant transition.”

Oh.

“Oh.”

Aoife was trans, and suddenly a lot of things made a lot more sense. She was trans, and she probably thought that I was too. Is that what Cass thought? She said she resented the idea that it was a fetish, and of course she would if she believed I was trans. I wasn’t though. I was different. Being treated like a woman was arousing to me. It was wrong.

“Aoife, I know what you’re getting at, and I appreciate you trying to make me feel better, but I’m not trans.”

“Can I ask why you feel that way?”

“For me it’s… a sexual thing. I can’t-” I dropped to the ground, leaning back against a nearby tree. I tried to resist the urge to bang my head against it. “I can’t get off unless I imagine I’m a woman, and when someone attractive treats me like one, it does things to me. It’s wrong. I shouldn’t be appropriating trans stuff for the sake of my sex life.”

She plopped down right next to me, awkwardly fidgeting with her tail.

“Do you want to know what I think, or do you need some time?”

“Go ahead. Honestly I expected a lot more yelling, so this is a pleasant surprise.”

The pity in her eyes only made me feel more guilty. I didn’t deserve her kindness. I was making a mockery of people like her just by existing. It’d be better if she hated me or if she just ignored me, I didn’t deserve her pity.

“I’m not gonna tell you whether or not this applies to you, that’s for you to decide, but for a lot of trans folks, it can be hard to really even feel attraction if you’re not in a body you’re comfortable with. Does that- uh… does that sound familiar at all?”

I didn’t know that. I hadn’t realized. Although in retrospect, it made sense that you wouldn’t want to use a body you hated. I could relate.

Wait.

“I mean, there’s even this thing called a ‘euphoria boner’. When your brain is all full of dopamine and you’re just so excited and happy, sometimes your body can respond in ways you don’t expect.”

No, but that’s different. I was- there had to be a difference. I had to be the exception. I mean, it’s not like I felt like a woman. I didn’t even know what that meant. I felt like an imposter.

“I’m not gonna tell you that you’re a woman, but if you ever want to try it out, I’d be happy to support you. Go at your own pace though, ok? Cass never should’ve pushed you to do something you weren’t ready for. You can just try it, by the way. No one will blame you for trying it then deciding it’s not for you. Just sayin’”

Wha-? You couldn’t just try on genders like clothes! You had to be certain. Men knew they were men, women knew they were women, and I…

Shit.

“Can I really just try it?”

The dragon’s kind smile said more than words could ever express.

“Let’s go home. Willow can help with that a lot more than I ever could.”

“Why’s that?”

“Cuz she’s the one who taught me damn near everything I just told you.”

Abruptly, she rose to her feet, reassuming her true form with a reptilian grin. She kneeled down, presenting her back to me, I climbed aboard, and we were headed home.