You must be this old to enter the Dungeon

69) Those little town blues

I glared at the man, “Seriously.”

Hiram seemed baffled. “Well yeah, we made a great team, but Beryl said she needs to get you to fifth level before the end of the month. So we’re going to have to drag the whole group along, but we know now you get the five point bonus for clearing a dungeon even without being a part of the party as long as you’re in the room instead of hanging out at the entrance.”

He shrugged. “You can talk to Berry and Brad about it, I’m supposed to give you a ride to the Elysium so you can do some kind of paperwork. Did you really buy the old Hospital? Why the hell did…”

I got up and started sweeping the grounds off of the kitchen counter with my hand, it was quicker than trying to wipe them up and I was going to sweep the floor anyways. While I was ignoring the Sabatour anyways I started instructing Acey on how to change the filter on the coffee machine and the other fine points of brewing up coffee.

I’m not sure how much of that she was picking up on, but considering she had figured out how to brew up a bad cup of coffee just from watching me a few times I was sure she would catch on.

Finally, Hiram slowed down. “Harry?”

I let Acey take the broom out of my hand while I got the dustpan from out from under the sink. “The coyotes are too big to all fit in the back of your car Hiram. And after last night I doubt they are going to let me go off with you without them. I’ll make my own way over there.”

He began objecting about how I wasn’t going to be able to get a cab out here, which I ignored as I patiently informed Acey that I had to sweep more gently with the broom when she was pushing stuff into the dustpan as I brushed the coffee ground off the front of my hoodie.

“Thanks for stopping by Hiram. You can leave now.”

See, I’m all about being nice and polite now. I even said thanks.

Over the next few hours, after showing Acey how to fry up some eggs, and eating her third try, the coyotes got the first and second, I led the Heap around the surrounding neighborhood collecting fallen tree branches, uprooting dead bushes, and collecting other dead plant life while the coyotes got some extra food in the form of terrorized mice and rats fleeing their former nest.

Good for them, now the dog chow might hold up for a few more days.

I also set Acey to watching some videos that my confused daughter in law had suggested ‘for a friend’s grandkid’ since she was better at finding stuff on the internet than I was. The green girl still couldn’t read but she had caught on quickly to copying and pasting Patricia’s suggestions into the search bar and hitting the video links.

All of that while she was going holy terror on the various dust bunnies around the house with the broom as her other body sat at my computer.

I was glad, I had been feeling bad about leaving her home alone all day with nothing to do.

That brought me to a stop beside the Heap a block away from my house, the walking mulch pile was nearly twice its normal size with all the torn up dead plant life on its back, and I could see a few people peeping fearfully out from behind their window shades at me.

I really had felt bad about her being alone, even before my Intuition had gone up. I just hadn’t understood what I feeling before, or what to do about it.

Huh. Shrugging I went back to work.

The Heap was going to need all the material, considering how much stuff it was going to be leaving behind it on my way to the Elysian old fart’s home.

One of the houses I was now the owner of had an old wreaked station wagon sitting in the back, it only had two tires still intact, but the Heap was more than able to work the lug nuts off of the one intact tire on the front and move it over to the back.

I didn’t have a key for the thing, but having the Heap rip and tear out bits and pieces of the internal parts soon got it to the point that not only was it a lot lighter, but I didn’t have to worry about getting it out of the park.

It wasn’t much of a sacrifice, the former owner had most of the engine of it scattered around that house’s garage or outright missing. Some project that had never been finished and ended up being left behind when they moved on.

I pulled up a map so I could copy down the directions to the Elysium and do the math. The Heap had made it all the way to the hospital, which was twice the distance to the rest home. And while the Heap had ridden on the top of the bus all that way there, moving under its own power off of my land would probably drain the Life Essence that let it move out faster than riding.

But I figured that as long as it got me close, I could walk the rest of the way to the Elysium.

Besides, I hated being dependent on other people to get anywhere. I wanted to make my own way again. And if having your health magical returned to you by killer holes in the ground wasn’t an excuse to try something new, what was?

The first problem was that having the Heap lift up the front end of the old station wagon and pull it along behind it meant I couldn’t see where we were going, or things like stop signs and traffic lights.

I suppose I could have had the Heap push the car, but then I would be facing the wrong way, or I would have to wait while I had the Heap put the good two tires on the front so it could lift and push the rear of the car.

And I had already spent the whole morning getting ready to go, so nope, not going to do it.

Instead, I just had the Heap lift the whole thing up and carry it on its back.

The coyotes, which had not been all that happy at being dragged around by the Heap in the first place were very unhappy about being a good ten feet up in the air. We would have been higher since the Heap had been standing at about fifteen feet tall in its middle, but spreading out to support the whole car took up some of its body, and having the car on top of it made it sag down onto thicker stumpier legs to support the weight.

But once we got going, and I had the Heap tear off the doors since you couldn’t roll down the windows without a battery, the three of them seemed to change their moods as they rode along with their heads sticking out the open doors, their faces to the wind.

In fact, they enjoyed it so much that the Heap had to extend itself up a bit to make sure the furry little idiots didn’t fall out.

Me, I just sat up front behind the wheel and made hand gestures for the turns since the signal didn’t work without electricity either.

Or the radio, so I had to provide my own music, with some of the words switched around. “I want to wake up in a city that lets me sleep. I’m king of the hill, on top of the Heap.” The coyotes sang along with me, which I appreciated even if their howls were off key.

Of course, the next problem came up, people were so busy gawking they weren’t paying attention to the road.

“Idiots. You got flying monsters and evil monkeys running around, as well as everything else, and you’re going to get yourself killed just because some old fart is driving his living brush pile around. And I’m the one who still needs to spend points on my brain.”

I looked over at Blue who nodded her head. “Good pup.”

Which is when I heard the siren and looked around over my shoulder to see the flashing lights behind me.