NOVEL NEXT 77: Legally Unhinged
Adelle sniffed the air. "Anything dangerous here?"
"Only if you've got legal tendencies," Candace winked. "The deeper, sealed up parts of these buildings can still hold pockets of Denver's influence, but they're few and weak."
Beyond our skyscraper, the vast expanse of Lake Eerie stretched to the horizon, its surface glittering under the afternoon sun. The scattered ruins of Denver jutted from the water at irregular intervals, some as merely broken stumps, others as towering, but worn mega-structures still reaching for the sky.
Nessy's hand entwined with mine as we stared at the surreal landscape ahead. The storm finally reached us, thunder rumbling overhead. Pitter-patter of soft rain broke out across the surface of lake Eerie and then rushed over the smaller rooftop lake with a thousand ripples.
"Shall we head inside?" I asked, eyeing a doorway leading down into the building's interior.
"Let's!" Candace declared.
We approached the doorway leading downward, Adelle taking point with her claws extended. The stairwell beyond was dimly lit by patches of bioluminescent moss growing along the walls.
"Does Denver not have a dungeon core?" I wondered as we descended. "Why is it so different from other dungeons?"
"Nope," Nessy said. "It's kind of like mold."
"It's more of an interdimensional infestation than a dungeon," Candace explained. "Most Systemfall Dungeons like Highway Sixty-Nine grow inward as they consume delvers. Denver grows outward, skyscrapers blooming from a network of underground pipes as it turns people into Lawyers. It's a Syntropic infestation, violating causality, opposing entropy, operating outside of the parameters of our reality, getting all this power to expand endlessly from elsewhere."
We reached what once had been an office space. Water stains marked the ceiling and walls. Remnants of shredded, rotting paperwork lay scattered across the floor, yellowed with age. Desks stood in somewhat orderly rows, many still holding ancient computer monitors and office supplies covered in moss and barnacles.
"Hows come there's so many barnacles?" I wondered. "This floor is way above the water."
"The skyscrapers slowly grow upwards from the lake like corals," Candace said. "This part was deep underwater at one point."
Nessy crouched down, examining a photo frame on a desk. She wiped dust from the glass, revealing a picture of a smiling family. Candace grabbed the picture frame from the husky, intently staring at the 80s photo of pradavarians with bright eyes and warm smiles.
"Can you imagine working here?" Nessy walked to a window, gazing out at the watery expanse. "Going to your office job each day, not knowing you're inside a monster?"
"Didn't this building grow from the lake?" I asked. "Who even worked here?"
"It did," Candace said, picking up a barnacle-covered stapler to show me the faded Pawco 88 logo on the back. "But it's also an exact copy of what Denver used to be in 1988. Its Syntropic nature doesn't allow it to shift too much from that hardwired initial concept, a savestate of sorts."
Candace moved along the office pawing at everything in sight, eyes flickering silver.
"Stop touching stuff," Kristi growled. "Everything here could be conceptually contaminated."
"Naw," Candace said. "Denver spreads via Lawyer-held lawsuits, not via touching."
She hopped on a desk, pawing at a barnacle-covered monitor and then pulled out a case of beers from nullspace. "Dig in!"
"Don't mind if I do," Adelle grabbed a beer and chugged it.
"Does anyone else want one?" Candace cracked open a beer, slowly sipping it.
"No," Kristi said. "Don't want to be drunk in case we get hostiles."
"I don't know what you're expecting. There's no hostiles here," Candace said. "Lawyers don't hostile anyone physically. They're wussies."
"Don't care," the raptor huffed.
"Ness?" The fox offered a beer to the husky.
"Nah," Nessy shook her head. "It'd mess with my sniffing. I want to enjoy my date with Alec in as much sensory detail as possible."
"Ya all are such squares," Adelle chugged another beer, crushing it on her forehead. "I'ma go smash some stuff," she declared and immediately went to obliterate a few flickering monitors, sending sparks and plastic bits flying as she laughed.
A small, crimson dragon fluttered in through a broken window, landing on a desk near me. It tilted its head curiously, sniffing the air.
"Hi there," Nessy cooed, approaching slowly. She held out her paw. The dragon sniffed it cautiously before rubbing its head against her fingers. "Aww, what a cutie!"
The dragon relocated to her shoulder, rubbing its face against hers.
"Let's go lower," Candace said after a few minutes of watching Addie smash computer desks. "I think I scanned enough stuff here." The fox vanished the beer case into her dimensional bag and jumped off the desk.
She led the way through a shattered glass door into what had once been an executive office. Furniture lay scattered and broken, covered in a thin film of dried salt. Algae bloomed on the walls, and small crabs scuttled across the floor.
We went down the stairwell and into another floor.
One of the computer desks had computers growing out of it, merging with the wall and going up like mushrooms, monitor screens flickering with dim excel sheets.
"Heh," I smiled. "A monitor Bloom. Reminds me of waking up in the nameless city and meeting you."
"Yeah," Nessy's paw squeezed my hand. "We should visit Calvin."
"Say what?" I blinked at her.
"He might still be out there, manning the Mini-Mart," Nessy said. "In a doomed world without pradavarians. Bet he'd love to meet all of us."
"How would we even find our way there?" I asked.
"We'd have to find a place with a really thin physical framework and draw a door," Candace said. "We'd need some dimensional chalk though. We should make some."
"What?" Kristi's head snapped to the fox. "You want to cross dimensions?"
Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.
"What?" The fox asked. "It's good practice. Plus having gate-chalk is handy for escaping tight situations. Don't you want to see the Systemfall-devoured ruins of a world where prads don't exist?"
"Not particularly," the raptor said.
"Die!" Adelle yelled, pulverizing the monitor bloom with her fists. "Aha ha ha ha! That one was actually worth some XP!"
Kristi rolled her eyes at the demolition-girl cheetah.
After the fox pawed everything within reach and the cheetah demolished anything that was glowing we continued down the stairwell.
Our footsteps echoed in the damp concrete passage as water dripped from cracks in the ceiling, forming small puddles on the steps.
"Stick close," Kristi ordered, her tail swishing behind her as she descended. "This area might not be structurally sound."
Adelle grunted, bringing up the rear. "Smells funky."
"Don't worry so much," Candace said. "Denver is waaaay sturdier than other places. The extra-syntropic walls don't allow the building interiors to decay that much."
The next floor down was partially submerged, water lapping at the doorway. We entered into the slightly submerged office, light rays from broken windows cutting across the water. The storm outside had passed, sheets of rain slicing across the waves.
"Weee," Nessy splashed happily through the flooded office space, pausing to examine waterlogged paperwork and barnacle-covered desk knick knacks. The crimson dragon remained perched on her shoulder, occasionally nipping at her ear.
"Great," Kristi muttered, following the husky with a wary look. "Now I'm wet too."
"That's what she said," Candace snickered. "Unbind weight."
She floated up onto my shoulders. "Onwards, my steed."
"We're not gonna get electrocuted, right?" I eyed the water.
"Nah," Nessy said. "This area of Denver is pretty safe. The building treats everyone that comes in as 'potential clients' to try to bind em' with a contract or two. I've been here often with… Vivianne and Sage. Breaking stuff and murdering concealed Lawyers is really easy XP."
I trudged into the water. It was warm, like a pool in the summer.
"Aww. You're so adorable," Nessy cooed at her shoulder dragon. "I shall name you Sparkles!"
"Sparkles?" Kristi asked.
"Because her scales sparkle," Nessy clarified, stroking the dragon's head with one finger. "See?"
"Hey," Candace called, pointing to a door marked 'LEGAL DEPARTMENT' at the far end of the room. "Wanna see if there's anything fun in there?"
"No," Kristi said firmly.
"Yes," Candace replied. "Ads, can you plow through that door?"
"Can do," the cheetah replied. She walked across the water and casually punched the door, making it detonate inward.
Blue-tinted lighting flickered from overhead as we entered the previously sealed office. I noted that along with the functional lighting, this office had intact windows and closed blinds.
"Ah," a slightly dry voice came from within. "Visitors. How may D&D&D Co be of service?"
I saw that the Lawyer wore a gray suit. Barnacles clung to his shoulders and back, forming uneven patterns. His glasses reflected the overhead light oddly, hiding his eyes.
The dragon took off from Nessy's shoulder with a screech.
The man sitting behind a rotting desk yelped.
"Pesky beast!" The Lawyer swatted at the dragon, ducking down. "Be gone!"
The dragon spun and opened its maw. A stream of brilliant fire flared across the office, igniting piles of paperwork on the Lawyer's desk.
"No! My subpoenas!" The Lawyer cried out. "I'll sue you!"
He chased after the dragon, unsuccessfully trying to bring down the flying critter as it darted across the office, igniting shelves and drawers full of paperwork.
"See?" Candace elbowed me. "Completely harmless."
"You!" The Lawyer gave up on chasing after the dragon. "You've brought this pest into my office! I'll…"
"Sue us?" Candace grinned, the harpoon glinting in her hand. "Not if I sue you first!"
She pressed the trigger and a magisteel arrow whooshed across the air, pinning the lawyer to the wall.
The conceptual dungeon Sentinel cried out, flapping weakly on the wall like a pinned butterfly.
Candace leapt off me, landing in the Lawyer's now empty chair, sending ashes and sparks flying from the remnants of the burning paperwork. She spun in the chair and faced the Lawyer.
"Bind Self to Law Firm!" She grabbed the handles of the chair.
The pinned lawyer stared at the fox girl, hollow, sunken gray eyes now visible under his glasses.
We trudged closer to the fox, weapons pointed at the Lawyer.
"Sup Denver?" Candace asked.
"What do you want, fox?" The Lawyer angrily hissed.
"I, Candace Ian Rhinehart, a Lawyer of D&D&D Co hereby file a class action lawsuit against Denver Incorporated, D&D&D Co, and all affiliated entities for emotional damages, ecological terrorism, and being a general nuisance to reality."
The lawyer's mouth opened in a perfect 'O' of surprise.
"You can't—"
"I submit as evidence," Candace continued, slapping her paw on the charred desk, "Exhibit A: The illegal expansion of your corporate entity without proper environmental permits, resulting in the deaths of approximately 2.7 million residents of human and pradavarian heritage."
"W-huh?" The Lawyer sputtered. "You…"
"What?" Candace grinned, paperwork manifesting in her hand out of nowhere. "Did nobody ever try to sue you as your own Lawyer, my dude?"
She walked over to the Lawyer across the water, rolled up the paperwork into a tube and smacked the Lawyer's face with it.
"This is preposterous," the lawyer choked. "You can't sue me!"
"Sure can," Candace grinned.
The Lawyer's pale eyes went wide with horror as he saw something we didn't.
"You see the court date, yes?" Candace swatted his face again with the rolled up legal paper. "I demand punitive damages… of one hundred trillion dollars," she declared.
"What? No!" The Lawyer choked. "You… we don't have any finances! The damned Omnids drowned us, terminated all of our local accounts!"
"How unfortunate," Candace shrugged, swatting the Lawyer again. "Why don't we make it payable in the form of information to start things off smoothly. Specifically: the exact location of Everglade's sword."
The Lawyer twitched. Candace raised the newspaper again.
"OBJECTION!" the Lawyer screeched, trying and failing to get off the harpoon's arrow. "LACK OF STANDING!"
"Overruled," Candace said. "I'm a Lawyer of Denver. A Conceptually Legally bound entity. The Sword of Everglade, my dude. Where is it?"
"ATTORNEY-CLIENT PRIVILEGE!" the creature shrieked.
"Krist, Ads," Candace turned to the prad girls. "Let some air in here, will you?"
Adelle walked over to the nearest window, tore the blinds off and obliterated the one-way mirror glass with a punch.
The little dragon fluttered out of the burning office, screeching wildly. More dragons responded from the outside, flashing into existence with fiery pops of dimensional teleportation.
Kristi smashed another window with her hammer, letting in more sunlight.
"Unbind Lawyer 53-03-19 from Lawyernet," Candace smacked the Lawyer again with the paper.
"No, no, no… they'll burn me alive!" The Lawyer cried out as more dragons appeared outside, fluttering into the office. "You can't cut me off! I won't get saved properly, won't be brought back!"
Adelle and Kristi demolished more windows. Nessy stood by my side with a judging look of a very annoyed husky.
Dragons fluttered into the office, big and small. The Lawyer's eyes drowned in panic.
"The sword," Candace barked. "Tell me where it is!"
"Reconnect me! Reconnect me and I'll tell you!" The Lawyer cried out as a watermelon-sized dragon set his head on fire with a flash.
"Rebind to Lawyernet," Candace smacked the Lawyer again.
"The sub-basement! Floor minus sixty six," the lawyer blurted, his eyes filling with tears. "Western tower on Logan and E 12th Avenue, Vault B-713! But it's deep underwater and—"
"The safe's password," Candace barked.
"444-444-126!" The lawyer cried.
"Thanks!" Candace chirped. "Aight, toodles!"
She jumped away from the dungeon Sentinel.
The Lawyer screamed as a hundred dragons of various sizes converged on him, brilliant rays of dragonfire blasting across his figure. His suit ignited and then his entire body caught fire, skin peeling, revealing something between pink flesh and compressed paperwork underneath comprising his ligaments and bones. He trashed, burning and melting away.
The entire building around us suddenly shuddered with a deep, resounding groan, barnacles and cracked panels raining from the ceiling.
"What the shit was that?" Kristi barked, feathers standing upright.
"Uhm," Candace's ears flattened. "I might have… accidentally awakened Denver by stealing a job from one of her Lawyers."