When Immortal Ascension Fails Time Travel to Try Again

I pulled on Badass Brian's string. He lifted the crab sword and sent a slash of Qi toward Hidden Dagger. The man flashed backward, avoiding the attack. He vanished behind a puff of smoke.

Fuck, that asshole was fast. His movement technique was excellent. Not as good as Impossible Leap, but when combined with his stealth technique, I was impressed.

I also admitted to underestimating his skills. His distraction and his ability to change direction mid-swing was thought out. However, he didn't have enough force behind his attack. Despite him getting so close, I didn't feel any need to sever my connection with my puppets to gain the extra energy I'd need to use a Starfield Shield.

Still, from what I'd seen so far, I wanted him for this mission more than ever.

I threw my guitar into my spatial ring. I would have had to have to restring it before the war started anyway.

Of course, while I was physically dealing with all that, my split minds worked on disabling the annoying little spiders with my puppets. But things weren't going as well as I had assumed. Whoever designed the little fuckers was a genius — who I would use a certain set of skills to find, and have some words with. Because that web concoction would be useful for the mission.

Big Bert jumped toward a spider that had blended itself in with the terrain.

It jumped to the left and spat spiritually-strengthened sticky web at his legs using a Spider-Man-like web shooter.

He fell down and stuck to the gravel. As he was about to push himself forward, another shot his arms and hands, taking away his leverage to pull himself up. To struggle any more than this would damage him. I cut my connection.

Three of my puppets went down the same way. They didn't even slow the spiders' momentum.

Damn. Their webbing had to be limited, but from how they were dominating the field with it, their creator must have used a type of bigger-on-the-inside enchantment to store it all within their big spider butts.

I wanted to get my hands on one and study it more thoroughly. Just scanning them with divine sense to discover their weak points wasn't enough to fully understand how it worked.

I had several instrument-wielding puppets send slash after slash of sword Qi toward the spiders. They dodged every attack flawlessly.

Each of my bulkier dagger-wielding puppets picked up one of their webbed comrades and held them in front of them like a shield. They ran ahead of where I had guided the spiders, where someone had left a large carved boulder.

Two spiders shot webs at their feet. With a slight crouch, the puppet-shields received the webbing for my bulksters.

But the other two spiders took advantage of this by darting past.

That was when I had Madwoman Melinda, my fastest puppet, jump out from where I'd hidden her behind the boulder. In a flash, she stabbed both. The joint that connected their back web storage to their front web shooter separated.

The last two spiders webbed my remaining instrumental puppets. Then Melinda threw her dagger at the largest one, severing its weak legs.

Just before my bulksters could get the final spider, the damn owl puppet swooped down, and snatched it.

Unfortunately for the owl, it had a really nasty tear in the mechanical sinew in its wing.

Melinda grabbed her dagger. I had her send a needle-like sword Qi strike to its weak point. A few feathers fell. The tendon snapped. The owl plummeted and released its compatriot.

As the spider dropped, it created a web parachute that caught the wind and pulled it toward me.

With a twitch of my left pinky, I had Badass Brian step in front of me and send an attack at the spider's weakness.

It let go of the parachute, plummeting just enough to miss the needle of sword Qi.

It unnaturally jerked to the right. Hidden Dagger, wherever the fuck he was, had to have pulled on the string.

The spider, with nothing left between us, shot its webbing at me. Which might have worked, except that I used my cleaning technique, and caused the web to burn up mid-flight.

The beast puppet landed and shot a web at Brian before he could follow through with his next attack.

I grabbed the back of his neck to keep him standing and pulled the sword from his fingers.

The spider jumped to the side, but I used Brian to block the web and slammed my blade into the spider's weak point, splitting it in two. I immediately jerked the blade out, swung it behind me, and caught the flying knife that was aimed right at my neck.

I turned around to catch Crouching Tiger Hidden Dagger fade into another smokescreen.

Goddamn, that was annoying.

Hah. Maybe he didn't press his luck because he realized I was more deadly when I held a sword.

Of course, now he was puppetless while I still had four that were flying toward me as if being pulled by a string... because I technically was.

Whatever. Hidden Dagger didn't have long to make his last move! Muahahaha!

The air shifted to my right. I turned and lifted my weapon to block Hidden Dagger's blade.

It also stirred behind me. With my free hand, I grabbed a very human wrist that held a silvery dagger.

There were two of them. No. One was a human-shaped puppet! This guy had a secret puppet that looked exactly like himself! Fucking smart. Not something I couldn't handle, though.

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A part of my split-mind scanned this new obstacle with divine sense. Its weak point was the metal wire holding the T8 and T9 vertebrae together.

Before its attack landed, I struck the blade. The puppet stumbled back. This gave me just enough room to stab toward it, sending a very thin blade of sword Qi to sever the wire. The puppet went limp.

Of course, while I was taking out the clone, Hidden Dagger attempted to pull his wrist out of my grip. He kicked my leg, which didn't even hurt. Then he stepped closer, attempting to unbalance me. That did not work either. It was like he had never heard about my body cultivation. But he was a tricky fuck. I wasn't taking any chances.

Now that he was closer, he dropped his knife and attempted to grab it with his other hand, but I forced him back. The dagger thunked into the grave and bounced away.

I strengthened my grip with spiritual energy. Once his puppet hit the ground, I pressed my blade to his neck. All it would take was a single Thousand Cuts to end him. But that wasn't the goal.

It was time to tell him to admit defeat.

He made a hand seal. I recognized it as a special technique used to shoot a tiny weapon out of the mouth. Instead of the thin needle I expected, a white ball tore through his black face mask.

I had been moving my head to avoid a thin needle, not a damn thick-ass trick pill! Who even kept one of those in their mouth? What kind of psycho did that?!

Damn it! It grazed my cheek, which broke it. A puff of powder spread across my ear and hair. It smelled of mint and basil. There was also a hint of carrot, copper, and bitter almonds.

But the thing I noticed most was the small dot of moisture… saliva on my cheek...

He... had… fucking... spat... at me.

I froze.

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One part of my split mind logically recognized that this motherfucker had just poisoned me and went to work diagnosing the toxin.

From the smell, it was definitely the Sweet Dreams Poison. Something strange that could be eaten like candy and cause no harm to the person who consumed it. However, when placed on the skin, especially on the face, it would make the afflicted to pass out within three seconds. They would then remain asleep for twelve hours, even if they took the antidote.

The only way to stop it was to consume the antidote before becoming unconscious. I did not have much time to resolve this.

While it was fully effective for those in Foundation Establishment and below, it only partially worked on Golden Core cultivators.

Considering I was at the peak of my realm, and had body cultivation, I had about five seconds instead of three. That felt like an eternity during a fight. Especially when I had my mind split ten times.

When I first learned about this pill, I had wondered why someone would want a toxin that could be consumed like candy but poison those who used it topically. I now had my answer.

Unfortunately for Hidden Dagger, I had been learning about poisons with Noxious Fangstrike for the past two years. And of fucking course my paranoid ass had concocted a batch of antidotes for every poison I could! Why the fuck wouldn't I?

My divine sense brought the Sweet Waking Dan out of my ring, and I used the puppet that just arrived to feed it to me.

All this happened thanks to the single most logical part of my split-mind. The one that always got shit done no matter what. The other nine parts of my brain, on the other hand, worked during this time on processing this man's sheer fucking audacity.

He had put his disgusting saliva on my beautiful, clean, germ-free face!

One part thought that murdering him wouldn't be too harsh of a punishment.

Another seven argued that we needed him, so we shouldn't kill him.

Four parts that demanded death or dismemberment lost when three of them recognized the need for petty revenge. After all, I couldn't make someone suffer if they were buried. Besides, he could still be utilized.

One part of my mind noticed that the sound in my ears had become muffled. I barely heard Little Spring say, "He shouldn't have done that."

Now that all ten parts of my brain were in consensus, I was able to move again.

Fuck. That was dangerous. This was why someone at Foundation Establishment shouldn't split their mind ten ways for very long.

I drew my sword back and punched his jaw with its hilt. If I'd let go of his wrist, he would have gone flying several yards. Instead, I held him in place. He dropped to his knees.

Placing my blade against his neck helped ease some of my anger.

Now to sanitize… with aggression!

I activated my cleaning technique with as much energy as I could spare. It burned away all the disgusting germs, sweat, and poison dust. It scoured the spaces between cells from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes. After the burning sensation stopped, my skin felt delightfully squeaky clean.

I sighed with relief.

Then my technique hit that amoeba of a man who spat at me. He screamed. It sounded impressive. I almost wanted to let my vocal students hear so they could learn how to properly shout from the gut.

He tried to escape before it finished. That would have dragged it out, so I had two more puppets hold him still.

He stared at me with wide, horrified eyes. "Elder! What torture art was that?"

"Torture?" I smiled. "Stop being so dramatic. That was just my cleaning technique."

His eyes widened. I cut his ruined mask off, revealing pink, healthy-looking skin and a growing bruise on his jaw.

"See, you're fine. If Verdant Spring barely complains when I use it on him, then I don't see how you, as an adult, are having this much of a problem."

Hidden Dagger turned his head jerkily toward the kid.

Little Spring glared back with crossed arms and a disdain-filled expression.

"I give up, Elder Linlin! I give up! You, and Team Leader Verdant Spring win."

I released his wrist and pulled my sword away from his neck. It had left a small, red line on his skin, but that was his fault for jerking around so much near a heaven ranked blade. He was lucky he hadn't cut his own head off.

I ended my split mind technique. My sight went black for a moment as my brain readjusted itself. Sourness filled the back of my throat. I coughed up a mouthful of blood, which I spat onto a small patch of grass.

Damn, that was dangerous. I'd have to wait until I reached Golden Core to do that for extended periods or I'd risk my sanity like that again.

Hidden Dagger clasped his hands and bowed low. "Senior, I request that you never use that evil torture art on me again."

I scowled. "It's just a very effective cleaning technique. Why does everyone around me hate being properly sanitized?"

He stared at me very seriously. "That is only true if you are using the verb clean as a pseudonym for hell."

What kind of asshole names something so wonderful, 'Helling Technique'?

Little Spring jumped over to us. "You're going to follow through with the terms of the bet, correct?"

He nodded. "I'll adhere to Elder Linlin's orders unquestioningly for this mission! Even after the war, if the elder tells me to go west, I will not go east."

"Good!" I said, though I didn't need him to exaggerate that he'd obey me after the mission. Still, I appreciated the sentiment. "Now... about Little Teasing Mouse—"

Elder Wrathful Waterspout flew down with a smile that matched the crabs on his robes. "I'm glad this matter was resolved. You can work out the details while I stop my persistent junior brother from coming over here and making trouble."

I guessed White Scale was at it again.

"Thank you, older brother!"

He waved before flying off.

Hidden Dagger frowned. "As far as I'm aware, you just need my team, and I have to not interfere in Little Teasing Mouse's abuse."

I scowled. At least after I won, he seemed more open to accepting the truth. It just might be possible to break through his brainwashing. But either way, there were things he had to learn.

"It's training. Not abuse." And maybe a smidgen of revenge.

"I will make sure to use the term 'training' from now on, elder. You can count on me."

Goddamn it. He didn't have to say that so emphatically.

"You need to understand something about her because she's not as sweet, innocent, and kind as she appears!"