What Little Remains Of Terpsichore Ironheart

A knock on the front door, and I sighed quietly as I turned to deal with it- I was already up, and old enough to represent my family in social matters. Standing at the door, however, was someone who would've insisted on me anyways if it'd been Napoleon who got the door.

"Sir Ironheart, we have a problem," Peregrine said.

"Well, of course," I said wearily. "Hit me."

"Your presence has been requested by the Paladin's Guild to testify to the character of one Summer Vasquez," Peregrine said.

"...Is that her last name?" I wondered. "I know a woman named Summer, but..." I shook my head. "Ugh. Nevermind. Can you give me an idea of how long this is going to take?"

"Ideally, this will only take an hour of your time," Peregrine said. "However, I recommend adjusting your holiday plans to account for the Paladin's Guild being imperious and high-handed."

"Fuck," I said succinctly.

"Indeed. The rest of your party have also been requested to testify; I will wait here while you gather them, and then teleport you all to the Guildhall, and back when all is said and done."

"Thanks, Peregrine. I'm sorry we keep meeting like this."

"That's an inevitable risk with being known as a reliable problem-solver," Peregrine said. "Nobody's happy when you turn up unexpectedly."

"...Well," I began. "There might be a few exceptions to that. Tell you what, Pip: how about, after you drop us off, you come back here and step inside for a cup of tea? Meet my parents and gossip about whatever's going on. It's the New Year, you deserve a little break, don't you?"

"Mm," Peregrine said, nodding. "Yes, I catch your meaning. I do believe I'll do just that."

---

"On fucking New Year's Eve," I muttered, as we sat in the waiting room of the Paladin's Guild. "This isn't some High Elven holiday that's been maintained in the margins by old holdovers- New Year's is a big deal for the Hikaano themselves! Why the fuck did any of these people even bother coming in to work today?"

"Specifically to spite you," the receptionist said blandly. "It's certainly not because the Paladin's Guild provides essential services that keep civilization running, which cannot be interrupted just because there's a holiday."

"There's a difference between patrolling on New Year's, and demanding someone come in to testify on New Year's," Faith said. "Court cases take a while, and everyone knows that, and is fine with that."

"It is, in fact, specifically to spite you," Volex said directly into my mind, while Faith got into an argument with the receptionist- a girl barely a year older than Faith, with long blonde hair and colorfully-painted nails that were long enough to get in the way of even basic desk-work; how she got into the Paladin's Guild like that, I had no idea, considering that the Paladins seemed to have an attitude of 'we allow women into our ranks, but are still deeply misogynistic and contemptuous of femininity.' "I don't know the full thing yet, but the stench is strong: someone important here has it out for you."

A door opened, and a Paladin in full armor stuck his helmeted head through. "Catherine Ironheart? Castellan Tenpenny will see you now."

Castellan Tenpenny... That name was familiar...

"Isn't that the woman who assigned you the statue case that got us into Mount Fate in the first place?" Talia asked, looking at Faith.

"She is, yeah," Faith said, nodding.

"Well, as much as turnabout is fair play, I don't feel like wasting more of today just to spite a petty bureaucrat," I said, standing up from the truly awful chair. "Lead the way, Squire. Let's not keep the Castellan waiting."

---

"How this works is very simple," Castellan Antoinette Tenpenny said, sweeping her gaze across us, and giving me a particular stink-eye. She probably knew I was trans- Joseph Ironheart was a public figure, after all- and, like most Hikaano, didn't seem to care for that fact. "You will, one by one, be brought into the conference room with myself and Primogen Alston."

"There's a Primogen involved?" Faith demanded.

"The charges are very serious indeed," Tenpenny said. "After your testimony, you will be discharged directly back to the waiting room, to avoid contaminating those of you who haven't testified yet. At that point, you are free to go, but you may also choose to wait for your friends. Any questions?"

"What're the charges?" I asked.

"That is confidential, and disclosing that would unreasonably color your testimony," Tenpenny said. "Anything else?" She paused for the barest second. "Lady Redwater, you're first."

"O-okay," Emily said, quietly, as she stood up, letting Tenpenny and the nameless, unimportant Squires and Knight usher her off to the interrogation room they'd temporarily renamed.

"So," Talia said, leaning back in her chair, before turning to glance at the remaining two squads, of one Knight and three Squires each. "Any of you guys read anything interesting lately?"

"We aren't supposed to make conversation," one of the Knights said. "You can talk amongst each other, but we're on duty, and aren't supposed to be distracted."

"Fine, be that way," Talia grumbled, folding her arms.

"I brought my comic stash with me," I said, pulling out a thick stack of books from my pocket. Antiope had, in fact, been holding and collecting my subscriptions this entire time, and she'd given them to me all at once this morning, as a kinda-sorta New Year's Gift. One that I paid her five dollars for, because that's what five months of my subscriptions cost, but I was still happy to have the stack. "We've got plenty to pass the time with."

"Well, that's something," Talia muttered.

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---

"Mister Ironheart-"

"That would be either Miss Ironheart or Sir Ironheart," I said, standing up and putting away my comic book. I was the last person in line to be interrogated, with Faith having gone after Emily, and Talia after Faith. "House Redwater will confirm that I am one of their Knights, sworn to protect Lady Emily Redwater."

"Just get in here, you pompous jackra-" Tenpenny began.

"LANGUAGE!" Primogen Alston shouted, cutting Tenpenny off mid-slur. "I don't know who trained you, Castellan, but their failure to scrub that word from your vocabulary is inexcusable, and you will not be letting it past your lips ever again, do you hear me?!"

On the one hand, it was gratifying to watch a racist get put in her place in front of her subordinates. On the other hand, I understood quite intimately that I was being pandered to, here. It was standard practice to reprimand subordinates in private, rather than doing it in front of everyone else, and to be perfectly honest, I barely believed that Primogen Thompson, who had been delivered into this world by Napoleon Ironheart, actually gave a shit about anti-elven racism, and I most certainly didn't buy it from Alston. No, this was a performance. Something that I was meant to see, and, what's worse, it was an insincere performance.

"At any rate," I continued, walking past Tenpenny and into the conference room, where I took what was very likely her chair before putting my feet up on the table, "I'm ready to get this over with whenever you are."

Tenpenny grit her teeth as she watched me, but then, with a glance at Primogen Alston, she mastered herself, and moved to sit in the other, unpadded, much less comfortable chair across the table from me.

"Sir Ironheart," Tenpenny began. "Please tell us what you know about the character of Summer Vasquez."

"I don't know anyone by that specific name," I said calmly.

"Our records indicate that you do," Tenpenny said.

"I'm a stronger authority on who I know than a piece of paper someone else wrote," I said.

Tenpenny grit her teeth again. "Let's try this again: do you happen to know a woman who answers to the name of 'Summer'? Black skin, black hair, tall, muscular, and... curvaceous?"

"I made the acquaintance of someone with that description," I said.

"And what kind of person was she, in your estimation?"

"I didn't know her for very long," I said with a shrug. "You know how it is with elves."

Tenpenny slammed her hands on the table as she shot upright. "Listen here you little shit," she began. "I am not here to play games with you. Answer the question, and answer it honestly, or so help me god-"

"Castellan," Alston said, warningly.

Tenpenny's mouth shut with a click, and Alston left the wall he'd been leaning against, stepping forward to come to the table.

"Sir Ironheart," Alston said. "I understand you want to protect your friend, but stonewalling us isn't the way to do it. If you can just give us an accurate image of what she's like as a person, then I'm sure we can clear her of these charges, and she'll be a free woman soon enough."

"I'm afraid I can't," I said, out loud.

Internally, however, I was saying something along the lines of, "Nice try. The good cop bad cop routine is a classic for a reason. But I hate both of you, and no amount of pretending to be a polite, civilized person is going to change the nature of the organization you swore yourself to."

Also, I'd finally realized where I knew Tenpenny from.

"You knife-eared little shit," Tenpenny hissed.

"Castellan!" Alston barked. "What in Hano's name has gotten into you?"

"Oh, she's just pissy that I killed her husband," I said idly, taking a shot in the dark as to their specific relationship. "One Maxwell Tenpenny, was it? The former King of Thieves? Yes, I imagine she'd be quite irate about the fact that I cut him down like a dog in the streets. Especially since, if the fact that she was married to him came to light, it might jeopardize her status as a deep-cover agent in the Paladin's Guild."

Castellan Tenpenny looked like she'd bitten into a lemon, and Primogen Alston's head whipped around to stare at her.

"...Oh, Antoinette..." Alston began, softly.

"It- it's all lies," Tenpenny began.

"Antoinette, I've met your husband," Alston said, turning his body to fully face her. "I thought I recognized him. That I didn't connect the dots sooner... Well. This certainly explains your vigorous pursuit of this case, if nothing else."

"Have fun with this internal investigation," I said, standing up from my seat. "I'll just show myself out."

"I'm afraid I have more questions for-" Alston said, taking his eyes off Tenpenny for just long enough that she could slip a hand into her pocket, withdraw a teleport token, and crush it in her hand, disappearing her off to gods-know-where. "...Fuck."

"Wow, am I glad that's not my problem," I said.

"Catherine," Alston began quietly. "I know you don't particularly like the Paladins. I'm not stupid. But you aren't either, and a high-ranking Thieves' Guild operative who personally has it out for you is, in fact, your problem. So. How about we cooperate on this?"

"Maybe you can enlighten me here, Primogen," I said calmly. "A few months ago, Hano ordered one of his Paladins- Faith Jones, she was just in here- to kill me in my sleep. So. Explain to me why I shouldn't believe the Paladin's Guild and their god don't want me dead."

Alston simply paused, holding his silence for a few moments. No wincing, grimacing, or any other show of emotion. Just a plain, unreadable expression on his face.

"...After your performance in the Barracuda Sea," Alston said, "Hano decided that his initial decision was in error. For so long as you are with the Adventurer's Guild, working to maintain order and protect the common folk from bandits and the like, then Hano is willing to extend his trust and tolerance."

"So, he's not killing me because I'm useful," I spat.

"If that is what you must believe to be cooperative," Alston began.

"Oh, I am not cooperative," I interrupted. "I think you can fuck yourself with every single sword in this building, sequentially and all at once. You are the Paladin whose job it is to deal with corruption and malfeasance within your ranks. I am an eighteen year old who has a New Year's party to get back to."

"You're also a registered member of the Adventurer's Guild," Alston pointed out.

"That's right," I said sweetly. "So cross my palm with silver, or we're done here. You'll be paying extra for a rush job and working over the holidays. How many millions of dollars are you willing to spend on this?"

Alston stared at me, his expression inscrutable- save for the fact he didn't seem to like me, what a shock.

"...Fine," Alston said. "You're free to go. Enjoy your holiday, punk. But don't come crying to me when Tenpenny burns your house down."

"She can try," I said idly, heading for the door. "I'm not exactly scared of her."