What Little Remains Of Terpsichore Ironheart

The ride out of the Black Desert was tense, but ultimately uneventful. Nobody lived here, and even once we'd left the black sands behind, it still took miles before we found anything that could be called civilization. Of course, once we did get to a town with an inn in it, we immediately stopped there for the day, even though it was only four in the afternoon.

"God damn, you kids look like hell," the Innkeeper said as we staggered in. "What happened to you?"

"Demon cult," I said. "We lived. They didn't. Beer, please."

"Comin' right up, sir."

I sat down at one of the tables, and sighed deeply. I was tired, hungry, and sore all over, but at least I hadn't had to drive this time. I'd instructed Volex on switching out the tracks for wheels, so we could make better time out of the desert, but after that, she handled it all admirably.

"I really hope the van's water filters are good," Faith said.

"It doesn't have those," I said, shaking my head. "It conjures and banishes water from the Elemental Planes, and everything in the water just accumulates in a waste tank."

"That sounds..." Emily trailed off. "...Why not just banish everything else in the water, too?"

"That's a lot harder, and once the water's out of it, it's a lot more compact and easy to deal with," I said with a shrug. "Of course, we do still have to dump it somewhere, but we can just dump it on the side of the road somewhere tomorrow."

The Innkeeper brought us a tray of tall glass mugs full of frothy, amber beer, along with some baked potatoes loaded with butter, cheese, and a generous coating of crumbled crispy-fried bacon.

"Fuck, it's been a long day," I muttered, before taking a long pull of beer. "Mmm."

"How is it?" Faith asked.

"...I really wanted to like this," I said, frowning. "Never had beer before, and every elf I know who has says it tastes like piss, but... I mean, beer's popular for a reason, right?" I sighed, and set my glass down, and pushed it away. "Whatever that reason is, it's not because elves like it."

"Yeah, that's about what I thought," Faith said, snickering.

"Well, if the beer don't suit ya, how about some lemonade?" the Innkeeper offered.

"Lemonade would be good, yeah," I said, nodding. "Would you mind terribly much if I busted out my kettle and made a pot of tea?"

"...Well, can I have a cup?" the Innkeeper asked.

"Of course," I said, nodding.

"Then I don't mind one bit. I'll be back with that lemonade in a jiffy."

He bustled off, and I began digging out my tea set, ready to brew up a pot of tea.

"So how did you survive that ambush at the beginning?" Talia asked.

"Oh, I didn't," I said breezily, tipping about five cups worth of tea leaves into the teapot and triggering the enchantment to produce boiling water. I was a Wizard, and one of the first big projects Mom put me through was making my very own magic teapot that would instantly produce boiled water inside the teapot, and produce a specific amount that was adjusted to be appropriate for the amount of tea leaves in the pot.

I had once asked why I hadn't just made an enchanted kettle, and she told me that kettles were for people who couldn't conjure boiling water from near the intersections of the Elemental Planes of Water and Fire. Dad then said something sarcastic, and the ensuing argument lasted for an entire hour.

I love my parents, but also, they might be directly responsible for some of my more annoying qualities.

"I died," I continued. "Went to heaven, met my grandparents and my great-grandfather- I have no idea why his wife wasn't there, she's just as much my ancestor as he was- and then I woke back up in a shallow grave, once that regeneration token finished putting me back together. Then I cast a spell my mom taught me earlier this summer to summon my duster, and I was back in business."

"Huh," Talia said.

"So I was right," Emily said.

"Not even death frees me from my oath to protect you," I said with a shrug.

Emily blushed a little, like I expected, but she also smiled a little.

"Here we are," the Innkeeper said, bringing us a stack of four tall glasses and a big pitcher of lemonade with little cubes of ice floating in it. "Ah, you've already got the tea going, perfect. Thank you very much for the tea, young man. Or... Well, I reckoned you were young, since those two lovely ladies with you look pretty young, but hell, I never learned how to tell an elf's age. Thanks for the tea, by the by- you just can't get the good stuff all the way out here."

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"We're all eighteen, yeah," I said, nodding. "You know, I feel like at some point, the Innkeeper's Guild should've made a contract with some enterprising elf or another to get some actually good tea, but..."

"Oh, we do," the Innkeeper said, nodding. "But elven tea leaves are worth their weight in gold, and you gotta have the training to brew it properly. So, a humble inn like mine simply can't afford to keep the stuff around."

"...That makes an unfortunate amount of sense," I admitted. "Elves don't exactly like the market economy, so the fact that your tea supplier treats you with such naked contempt is perfectly characteristic of an elf."

"I'll take your word for it," the Innkeeper said, watching eagerly as I poured him a cup of tea.

"How much exactly does elven tea cost?" Faith asked.

"Well, I wasn't yankin' your chain when I said it's worth its weight in gold- and that's after you've added a whole cup of hot water to it," the Innkeeper said, wisely allowing his tea to cool down to a drinkable temperature rather than scalding his tongue on it. "It takes about two grams of tea leaves to brew a cup of tea, and last I checked my Guild Supply Catalog, just a hunner'd-gram tin of elven tea leaves costs eight thousand dollars."

"Holy shit," Faith muttered. And not for no reason- that was the kind of money that'd buy you a nice house, fit for an upper-class professional and his family.

"I don't suppose I could convince you to waive the overnight parking fee, could I?" I asked, pulling out a fresh, unopened tin of tea leaves I'd bought from Antiope's store for two dollars, the price of a ten pound bag of dried rice, which I then offered to him.

"...Young man, you could convince me of anything for that," he said, voice barely above a whisper. "Would you like my daughter to join you for the night as well? Maybe my wife, too?"

"I am, unfortunately, not in any state to be doing anything energetic or exciting for the rest of the day," I said, setting the tin on the table in front of him. "And, well... If you decide any of your kids needs a good excuse to live in Redwater, tell 'em there's a place there called Greenwood Village where they can get this stuff real cheap, straight from an elf. And if they need help, just tell the elves they were sent by Joseph Ironheart."

"Much obliged, Mister Ironheart," the Innkeeper said, nodding.

"Alright, well, I'm gonna start eating now," I said, grabbing my baked potato and ripping off a third of it with my teeth.

"We might need some more of these," Talia said politely.

---

"Okay," I said, laying down in my bed. "Getting up to go eat dinner in there was... Optimistic. Ow."

"Are you okay?" Emily asked, her hands already glowing.

"It just hurts," I said, waving her off. "Lots of chest muscles around the heart- not vital for life, but still used in moving around. Lower priority, so... ow, fuck. Okay. Talia, if you could recharge that stupid amulet Dad gave me?"

"Are you sure?" Emily asked. "I can finish healing you now."

"You can heal the muscles if you want, but..." I sighed deeply as Emily pressed a hand to my chest, taking away the horrible, cutting pain deep in my muscles. "Mmph... I do want that amulet recharged... as soon as possible. It, uh... It keeps me healthy and whole even without a Healer having to fix every little sore spot I get through the day. Oh, fuck that feels good... Mmn... Anyhow. It's an important backup mechanism. I'd feel better if it was fixed."

"I'll see what I can do," Talia said. "I'm not as good a Druid as your dad is, but... Maybe it really does just need to be recharged?"

"Do you think that's not the problem?" I asked.

"It's... Honestly, it might just be broken," Talia said. "If it is... I don't know if I can make you a new one. Definitely not one as good as Napoleon can."

"Dammit," I muttered. "Oh well. What's done is done. I'm... Ugh. Fuck, I'm tired. I think I'm just gonna sleep, if that's alright?"

"Of course," Emily said, nodding. "Get some rest, Joseph."

"Night, everyone."

---

I drifted into and out of dreamless sleep, never more than halfway awake. But at some point, in the middle of the night, I found myself slowly rousing to my full senses.

I had gone to sleep alone in my bed, but apparently, after the day we'd had, nobody else wanted to sleep alone, and had decided that I shouldn't sleep alone either.

I wasn't sure of the medical wisdom of this, to be honest. I was still having a bit of trouble moving my left arm, after all. But... Looking at Talia snuggled up under it, her head on my shoulder, I couldn't really find it in me to fault her. Looking to my right, at a sleeping Faith snuggled up under my other arm, her freckly nose scrunched at a dream that couldn't possibly be pleasant, I thought about how much I used to resent her, and... gave her a little kiss, on the bridge of her nose. It wasn't enough to wake her, but whatever that dream was, it clearly stopped bothering her, as her face returned to normal, and a little smile started to creep across her lips.

Lying on top of me, face down, was one Emily Redwater, pressed oh so tightly against my front, not only by gravity, but by her arms and legs, clinging to me like a squirrel to a tree. She was stirring- apparently my movements had woken her up.

"Mmmn... Go back to sleep, Joseph," Emily murmured, squeezing me a little tighter.

I wanted to, I really did. I wanted to rest, to lay back and relax, and enjoy the cuddles. But right now, I just... I couldn't. I'm sorry, Emily. I really do want to keep using you like a weighted blanket with big tits, but...

"I have to piss so bad."

Emily considered that for a moment... and then, with a put-upon sigh, she carefully climbed off of me, helping me up- without waking the others- and walked me, step by careful step, to the bathroom.

I slept through the rest of the night, and much of the morning. Despite my aches and pains, and everything I'd just been through...

...Life was good.