Wabi-Sabi

***
Not everything's perfect, especially in the beginning. And it's all right to have a little bit of regret every once in a while. It's when you feel it all the time and can't do anything about it... that's when you get into trouble.
Sarah Dessen, Lock and Key
***
Attempt #1
Madara wakes up on his futon, two days shy of his tenth birthday, newly awoken Sharingan spinning by itself.
It takes a moment to gain his bearings, to realize his body is ten years old, but his mind is much, much older.
The Sharingan is new to this body, and he has to search for the Rinnegan. He finds it hiding deep in his mind like it's asleep, and no matter how hard he tries, he can't draw it forward.
He takes stock and tries to sort the memories of what he's already lived and what hasn't come to be yet.
Daiki, Akane, and Goku are already dead.
Kyoko will be born in the next year.
Yashiro is Clan Heir, Kaemon training to replace him should anything happen. Natsu, Madara, Izuna, and Eri have yet to be co-opted into that training. Tajima still too confident he won't lose his preferred heirs.
Everyone but Madara and Izuna will be dead in the next three years.
Hashirama still has his three younger brothers.
He has five years before he'll lose Kawarama and Itama.
Both their fathers will be dead in another four.
In ten years, most of their peers will be rotting in the dirt.
Izuna will die in fourteen.
They'll break ground on the village in fifteen.
The years come hard and fast, overwhelming as Madara tries to shorten the suffering to come from what's already been struck.
But it's too much.
He thinks he's screaming, or someone is.
In this life, he dies before he ever manages to get out of bed, choking on his own breath as the Sharingan spins and Tajima and his older brothers desperately try to stop it.
The Rinnegan pulses, spins.
It rips his mind apart two days before his tenth birthday.
Then it turns back.
***
Attempt #7
The first attempts all fail.
Madara wakes up at different ages, but the memories are too overwhelming, and he dies within a few hours of waking up.
It's not until the seventh that he manages to live a few weeks.
Sorts out his mind only to die on the battlefield when he attempts to save Kasumi, a young Uchiha in her first battle.
***
Attempt #11
Madara learns the hard way that he needs to force the memories to the back of his mind during battle. He dies at the hands of several enemies because memories of them, of their descendants, jump to the forefront, and he hesitates.
***
Attempt #23
Eventually, Madara wakes up and doesn't rush headlong into this life. He stops and thinks, tries to calm the temper he's famous for.
He needs a plan.
He and Hashirama are still trying for peace in this life, but every loss pushes it off further. There are people in both clans who don't want it, and even more people outside their clans that don't want the Uchiha and the Senju working together.
Every time Izuna dies, Madara loses his main motivation.
Maybe he needs to remove the people against them?
He tries culling the clans. Wipes out the Uchiha who are against peace, mostly the elders and those too old to adapt, but also a few of the younger ones too wrapped up in their anger.
Word spreads quicker than he expected, sending the surrounding clans into a tailspin, but he makes it to the Senju before they hear, and since he knows most of those against Hashirama, he manages to kill them before they can get their defenses up.
Hashirama's father tries to confront him, but Butsuma is not his son, and Madara cleaves his head from his shoulders before Hashirama even reaches the battlefield.
Hashirama hesitates when he arrives when Madara yells what he's doing across the field, but Tobirama is too enraged, and Madara has to kill him in self-defense.
Madara escapes before Hashirama can take the field.
They still manage to make peace, with no one left to argue against them, but both clans are too weak to survive a combined attack by the Hagoromo, Shimura, and Fuma.
Madara's fury when they raze the emerging village to the ground results in him slaughtering all three clans and puts them all right back where they started, but without any loved ones left to fight for.
As he stands in what's left of the Hagoromo compound, the Rinnegan pulses, spins.
Turns back.
***
Calm your temper, ignorant child. You are back to build, not destroy, she whispers,
***
Attempt # 27
It takes a few tries to convince Madara that wiping out the enemies of peace isn't the best route. No matter what, they end up under attack by surrounding clans, and even once, the Damiyo hires the others to take them out.
It's too much too fast, he finally realizes, inspiring terror instead of hope.
Well, fuck.
He tries something different this time, pleas to the Damiyo to enforce a peace.
He does, but it only lasts for a year before a Senju patrol kills a Uchiha, and the Damiyo punishes them with execution.
Then they're right back where they started, except the Damiyo is also involved, so even more shinobi are dying than before.
Two years in Madara gives up, and the Rinnegan pulses, spins, and turns back.
***
Attempt #33
Madara kills Tobirama by accident, and the Senju refuse to allow Hashirama to try for peace.
***
Attempt # 39
An uprising in his own clan gets him this time.
He's never going to trust that fucker Oda ever again.
***
Treason! She screams.
She will not forget this.
***
Attempt #42
Hashirama dies too early this time, an assassination from inside his own clan.
Apparently, Madara isn't the only one in danger from his family.
***
Attempt #47
A plague sweeps through, and by the time it's gone two years later, neither clan is left.
Madara recognizes it too late.
The same plague that struck down his one descendant that surpassed him.
***
Attempt # 51
Madara starts keeping a list. Ideas and things that haven't worked. Things that had some success.
Specific people that get in the way over and over.
And a smaller list of surprising allies.
He's dying from influenza before they can reach peace this time around, and the Rinnegan pulses, spins, and turns back while he takes his final breath in his sick bed, a day shy of his fifteenth birthday.
***
Attempt # 52
Madara tries treating other clans for peace with varying success. Some of their older allies are willing, the Inuzuka and the Aburame.
Even the far-flung Hatake who have little to do with the rest of them.
But they can't seem to actually get to an agreement on peace because everyone wants different things and different rules for this impossible village.
For a few lifetimes, Madara dies of old age as peace talks drag on for decades without ever actually achieving anything.
***
Infants, she seethes.
***
Attempt #58
Madara loses his patience and pushes too hard, too fast in this life, and Izuna assassinates him, fearful that his beloved older brother has gone mad.
Apparently, peace cannot be rushed.
Apparently, Madara is still learning that.
***
Attempt #59
Madara remembers too late this time. They make it to the village, but the prejudice is still there, and Madara's attempts to fix it after the founding are too little too late.
When Tobirama establishes the police force, a rouge group assassinates him, and Madara watches the village crumble when Hashirama attempts to balance the need for justice and peace.
The Rinnegan pulses, spins, turns back as the Senju elders call for the expulsion of the Uchiha.
***
Attempt # 60
The Elders are the problem. Madara pays attention for the next couple and notices that while there are some elders in the clans that do want peace, few of them actually think it's possible, so their attempts to support it are fickle and lackluster.
They undermine it every chance they get, and the village falls apart in the aftermath.
***
Attempt #63
Culling the elders from the clans doesn't work.
Though Madara sleeps better in the one night he gets after than he has any other night in any lifetime.
***
Attempt #65
Neither does disbanding the council of elders and urging the other clans to do so.
Apparently, they hold enough influence in some clans to overthrow their clan leaders and plunge everything into a whole new war.
***
Selfish, ignorant fools, she roars.
***
Attempt #74
Madara gives up for a while.
Just lives a few lives as long as he can and doesn't bother responding to Hashirama's attempts at peace.
He never marries. Never has children of his own, just watches his clan stagnate around him.
He's so tired of trying and failing and watching his dream rot over and over.
***
Attempt #75
Madara gives up and disappears after Izuna's death.
Hashirama never gets his village off the ground.
***
Attempt #78
Madara disappears again, but this time Hashirama searches him out.
It takes several years, and by the time he succeeds, Hashirama has alienated his own clan with his mission, and they elect Tobirama Clan Leader, and then there's no hope for peace.
***
Coward, she whispers.
***
Attempt #82
It takes another few attempts, but Madara realizes that he can't leave Hashirama, and Hashirama won't leave him.
Even without knowing why, Hashirama will not go forward without him.
He underestimated the other man's friendship, the bond between them. Either Hashirama loses his willingness to try for peace without Madara across from him, or he becomes so desperate to find him that he forsakes his own clan.
In this attempt, Tobirama kills Hashirama, and in revenge, Madara kills Tobirama.
Tobirama, for all his genius and skill and strength, only succeeds in killing his brother because Hashirama cannot bring himself to strike him back.
Madara has no such weakness, and he and Hashirama are still leagues beyond the red-eyed Senju.
The Rinnegan pulses, spins, and turns back as Madara stands over the Tobirama's body, using the man's last breaths to tell him he'll never be strong enough to take down Madara.
It's petty, but it makes him feel better for a little while.
***
Such children, she sighs.
***
Attempt #97
Madara is getting tired again.
And he has a run of bad luck, dying in odd ways before he ever accomplishes anything.
He starts thinking again, though. Goes back and realigns everything he thought he knew.
And it finally occurs to him that maybe he can't do this alone.
***
Attempt #100
Madara finally tells Hashirama the truth.
It doesn't go well.
***
Attempt #105
It only takes a couple of tries before he realizes how to approach Hashirama about what's happening, but the best he gets is convincing him they're halfway prophetic dreams instead of a terrifying genjutsu.
It still doesn't help.
***
Attempt #110
Madara attempts to use genjutsu to show him everything, but it breaks Hashirama's mind.
The Rinnegan pulses, spins, turns back even before Hashirama stops screaming.
***
Stop rushing, she cries.
***
Attempt #111
Madara stops trying to convince Hashirama and instead focuses on supporting him.
He agrees to peace talks the first time Hashirama asks, pushes his own clan and others, and dies by assassination sometime during the talks before he even gets to see the village.
Subete wa mura no tame ni, his descendants said.
Since he comes back again, he assumes it didn't work.
***
She stays silent.
***
Attempt #115
It finally occurs to him to ask the Rinnegan if there's a better way, and he gets his answer when the Rinnegan begins implanting the memories into Hashirama's mind as well.
He hadn't realized it could do that...
He should probably be concerned, the Sharingan has a mind of its own, but he has so many other things to worry about that he forgets.
Then he has to wait through a dozen attempts as it figures out how to do it without killing him.
***
Attempt # 129
Fucking Oda.
***
Attempt #133
For the first time, Madara and Hashirama meet at the river and remember everything.
Unfortunately, Tobirama's report of their friendship to Butsuma results in him beating Hashirama to death, and they have to start over again.
***
Attempt #137
It takes them a bit to figure out how to survive until their father's deaths.
Hashirama won't let Madara assassinate either of them, no matter how many times he asks.
He's a fucking-bleeding heart.
***
Attempt #138
Madara assassinates them anyway, and he and Hashirama end up in a fight so brutal they end up accidentally wiping out everyone else on the battlefield, approximately half their clans.
They don't bother trying to gather what's left.
The Rinnegan pulses, spins, turns back as they stand on the battlefield screaming at one another.
***
I will put you in separate corners, she screeches uselessly.
***
Attempt #139

Hashirama refuses to speak to him this time around, so the Rinnegan pulses, spins, and turns back after a few years.
***
Attempt #140
They make up, but this time, they spend so much time trying to figure out what to do that by the time they actually do something, it's too late.
Clans start dying off one by one until there are only two left, and the Rinnegan starts to pulse.
***
Attempt #167
They spend a lot of lifetimes trying to convince the entirety of their clans, thinking that they can't do it without everyone on board.
It's a wasted effort, and they end up so exhausted and brokenhearted that they just kill one another more than once in frustration.
***
Attempt #268
They don't even try this time, carrying the heartache over from the last time.
Madara feels like he's going mad again, unable to look at the world and see any chance of hope. Hashirama is just as desperate to save him as he is to establish peace, and so they disappear off into the woods, leaving their clans to sort themselves out (they don't; they wipe each other out in a matter of decades), and journey high up into the mountains in the Land of Snow, deciding to spend a lifetime as hermits.
Well, they plan to, but this first go, they get killed by the weather because they were not prepared at all.
Turns out survival takes more than brute strength.
***
Attempt #300
Madara can admit that he's a prideful man. It takes Hashirama a bit longer to get there, but eventually, he does.
There's a reason why they're so close. Brothers in all but blood. They share a bond so deep, so elemental, that they cannot live a life without one another. It's terrifying for other people because they can't comprehend the bond that surpasses anything blood could give. Madara and Hashirama may not be sensors on Tobirama's level, but they always know where the other is.
They cannot hide from one another.
And they are far more alike than those around them realize. The delusional view that Madara was just mad and Hashirama was just gentle and peaceful in that first life was so incomplete and incorrect that Madara's not surprised it all ended badly.
They're both prideful enough that they spend the next handful of lives determined to prove they can, in fact, survive as hermits in the mountains of the Land of Snow.
Since they keep trying to save the world over and over again, they figure selfishness is allowed for a little while.
The weather gets them a few times, then the wolves.
In one memorable life, they accidentally make enemies of the Hatake Clan, and they get taken out by lightning strikes before they can even fight back.
Madara lays there in the snow, twitching and furious, as the Rinnegan pulses, spins, and turns.
***
Attempt #307
Hashirama lets him be a vindictive bitch in the next go around, and he wipes out the Hatake.
The young clan head, Gin, is the last to go, defended to the end by a dark-haired, dark-eyed clan member and a katana that Madara knows has no Hatake blood and equally as defiant when he finally dies.
Hashirama also looks smug when Madara eventually feels bad because they're actually a good clan for the village they're trying to build, and Madara still remembers the one left in that first life, who bore a Sharingan and all the pain that came with it and managed to do some good.
Madara's flailing sees him fall off a cliff in this life.
Karma, Hashirama cackles, and then the idiot follows him over because he tries to grab him, and no amount of chakra will let them walk on ice, so they just fall and fall until the Rinnegan starts to spin.
Thankfully, it turns back before they hit the ground.
***
Her carrier is a fool, and so is his soul brother, the Pretty Flower.
Perhaps she should have chosen the Snowflake after all.
But she can not abandon her blood. Just as Moro cannot.
***
Attempt #313
One of these lifetimes is the first time Madara cries from something that's not rage or frustration.
They spend an evening in their cave, warmed by a small fire fueled by Madara's chakra, and Hashirama's recounting his excitement over the children he'll eventually have when he suddenly stops talking.
Madara doesn't understand why as his friend practically flies across the cave, wrapping him in a hug, until he sees the tears soaking Hashirama's shirt.
A few hundred lifetimes now, decades of life, even more than a dozen where he dies of old age, and Madara still doesn't get to have a family of his own.
There are no children hanging off his yukata or holding his hand. No students sitting rapt as he imparts every lesson he's ever learned, and Madara has a lot of lessons to impart by now.
No tiny body that Madara gets to hold as it takes its first breaths in this world.
He doesn't get to scare his daughter's suitors or teach his son how to respect a woman.
He doesn't get to go to sleep next to someone who's done it enough that they have their chosen sides of the bed and know how to hold one another in their sleep to keep the nightmares away.
And they'll hold each other even when they're angry.
No one has ever wanted to stand across from Madara and promise to love him for the rest of their natural life.
Apparently, Madara is such a horrible person that no one can love him like that.
He doesn't get to see Izuna's children grow up and sneak them sweets when Izuna puts them on a training regime. He doesn't get to commiserate with Hikaku when he has all girls and no idea what to do with them.
He doesn't get to snicker with their wives over their foolish moments.
He doesn't get to grow old watching his children learning to raise their own broods.
There is no one who wants to sit by his bedside in his last moments.
No one to visit whatever grave marker he ends up with.
He will be forgotten. Unloved for eternity and all that love he has to give will simply fade away until there's nothing left.
Hashirama holds him for a long time.
The Rinnegan pulses, spins, turns back.
***
Attempt #316
Hasirama is a good man. He wants everyone to be happy, loved, at peace. As enthralled with learning about other clans as he is with learning about his own. He loves the Uchiha's tendency to be emotional, their obsession with love and family, and the Tenshi Heisoban.
Secretly, he thinks Madara is the current Tenshi Heisoban, not the brother he buried years ago, but Madara is stubborn and gets a terribly haunted look on his face whenever the subject comes up, so Hashirama stays silent for now.
He also tends to be slightly obsessive. A Uchiha trait he seems to have picked up from Madara.
For several lifetimes, he's determined to find someone for Madara, running the gambit from blind dates to arranged marriages to asking the Damiyo for help and sending out the equivalent of singles ads.
Every time he fails, he becomes more determined.
Every time he fails, his heart breaks a little bit more.
He tries to figure out what Madara wants, but all Madara can think of is that he wants someone who loves him.
Such a simple request that turns out to be anything but.
Every time he fails, Madara becomes more convinced there is no one in the world that can love him.
He makes it to marriage a couple of times. A few men and a few women, including one from the Senju, when Hashirama makes the marriage part of the peace deal.
They're not happy marriages.
The best of them is apathetic. A marriage of convenience that's more a business deal than a relationship, and Madara withers away, trying to earn a love that's never going to come.
That one gets so bad that Hashirama is the one who kills Madara's Senju wife, finally driven to rage at his friend's sadness.
The Rinnegan turns back before Hashirama has to answer for it.
***
Attempt #323
For some reason, Hashirama wakes up once with the idea that he's the reason the village isn't working. He dies to ensure peace, making Tobirama and Madara swear to carry on without him.
They actually make it pretty far.
A couple of decades into the village.
But it's horrible for a whole new reason, and not just because Hashirama is gone and Madara spends the entire lifetime feeling like he's lost a limb. Turning to talk to a man who's not beside him anymore.
Working side by side with Tobirama, without Hashirama to balance them out, is a new kind of struggle.
Hashirama's brother is somehow nothing like him but is absolutely dedicated to carrying out his brother's dream.
EVEN THOUGH HE DOESN'T BELIEVE IN IT.
Madara throws that in his face every time he calls Madara unreasonable.
They struggle with the Uchiha's desperate attempts to fit into the village, driven by Madara's attempts to be something they could love and Tobirama's ingrained prejudice.
Tobirama blames Madara for Hashirama.
Madara blames him for Izuna.
Ten years in, they've settled into an antagonistic partnership where they get things done by screaming at one another. The village is stumbling along. Madara's doing his best not to outright ban people he knows will be bad for it in the future, but he's making sure certain ones won't ever be in influential positions.
It's a pain in the ass since he can't tell them how he knows.
Likewise, the longest-running argument he has with Tobirama concerning the police force and the academy is the same. He can't tell him why certain parts won't work, so Tobirama refuses to believe him.
This is the first lifetime where Madara spends enough time with Tobirama for his interest to blossom.
With Hashirama gone, there is no one truly strong enough to challenge Madara, but Tobirama comes the closest.
He's a brilliant man. A true genius, constantly looking forward and trying to solve problems and creating new jutsus.
His curiosity is as immense as Madara's love, and Madara falls in love with his mind first.
Then, his body as he watches him fight and train and teach.
He's blunt, sarcastic, oblivious to things he doesn't think are important, and convinced most emotions are a waste.
He cannot comprehend the Uchiha's desire for love. Their beliefs in the old ways and the Tenshi Heisoban. Thinks duty is far more important than anything else.
Then, one day, he looks twice at a young woman in the village and a tiny of bud of hope springs in Madara's chest.
The Senju elders have always tried to push him into marriage, into what equates to breeding, even though that's one of the things that this village was supposed to end.
Tobirama loves children, even though he's resisted having his own.
That hope gives Madara just enough courage one day in the Hokage's office.
"Another marriage suit?"
"The elders." And Tobirama actually sounds annoyed, which means inside, he's probably seething as he sets the scroll aside because God forbid he toss one in the trash.
"Still no interest?"
"It's unnecessary."
"You could just pick someone yourself." Madara is being so, so careful.
"If I had someone I wanted to marry, I'd marry them."
Madara's pushing too hard, though, and now Tobirama's looking suspicious.
"Why do you care? Are your elders-"
"They would never. Uchiha only marry for love."
Tobirama rolls his eyes at that. "Because that always works out so well."
"Better than most."
"So why aren't you married then?"
"Because I haven't asked."
It takes Tobirama a second to realize what he'd admitted, and then Madara actually has his full attention, which is a rare event. "Your marriage could be a boon for the village. Why haven't you asked?"
"They aren't aware."
"So, tell them."
Madara just stares at him, and, well, Tobirama's a genius. It only takes him a minute to get.
Surprise, disbelief, and disgust flash so quickly across his face that only in this lifetime, when they've worked side by side for years, does Madara see them before his face settles into a cold mask.
Well, that's that, then.
"They're not interested." He says instead, turning back to his work.
For a moment, he's terrified that Tobirama's going to push it, but thankfully, he doesn't.
They don't talk about it again for a long time.
Knowing it's never going to happen makes it a bit easier to deal with. Madara just stuffs that part of him to the back and focuses on everything but. He makes a point not to act any differently and doesn't give an inch on anything he wouldn't have before.
The one time Madara lets it come to the forefront is the day he saves Tobirama's life.
Tobirama takes a team on a mission to Sand, a wasted attempt to establish a trade treaty, and they get ambushed by enough of a force that Tobirama himself isn't expected to get out alive.
Madara takes off the moment he hears, makes the journey to Sand in a matter of hours instead of days, and arrives just in time to finish off what's left of the attacking rouges, a heartbeat before they can succeed in killing Tobirama.
As it is, Tobirama is the only survivor. The only one skilled enough and powerful enough to hold out for his arrival.
Madara uses the last of his chakra to get them back to Konohagakure just as quickly and then has to spend a week sleeping to recover.
Tobirama spends a month in the hospital.
When he gets out, he thanks Madara stiffly and, then painfully awkwardly, tells him it was a foolish thing to do and that he needs to make sure his feelings don't interfere again.
Madara's first assurances that they won't aren't enough, apparently, because Tobirama abandons his weird attempt at kindness and bluntly tells him he'll never feel the same, no matter how many times Madara saves his life.
Madara manages to roll his eyes and assure him he already knows that, effectively brushing off everything, before he goes back to his empty house in the Uchiha compound and cries for the first time since that lifetime with Hashirama in the mountains in the Land of Snow.
Tobirama watches him warily for a while, and he's not the only one, so Madara realizes he's confided in a few about Madara's confession.
The snickering, the amusement that Tobirama would ever love someone like Madara, is survivable; the pity of those sympathetic to him is not.
Tobriama, to his credit, silences it whenever he hears of it and makes a point to treat Madara exactly the same as before.
But eventually, it's too much.
The village is stable enough, so Madara starts taking missions again. Slowly, they become more common, then longer. He spends months at a time away from the village. Hands the robes off to Tobirama more and more often. Hands the clan over to Hikaku's daughter.
He spends three months in Sand and finally gets that trade treaty in place, even though he has to kill a surprising amount of people to do it.
He spends a couple of weeks in Konohagakure before heading to Mist to help their infant village fight off a takeover attempt. Six months of brutal fighting finally results in peace in Mist, but a few days into the journey home, he gets word that a handful of clans in Earth are being hunted into extinction and have asked Konoha for help.
He turns mid-trip and goes there instead.
It takes a year to straighten that out, and when he finally returns to the village, it's been over two since the last time he was there.
Tobirama barely notices his return, accepting his mission reports while his mind is clearly elsewhere, and Madara doesn't bother taking back the robes. Just goes back to his house and sleeps for a while and then takes several missions on behalf of Hikaku's daughter.
He comes back less and less over the following years, slowly fading from the village's memory.
His clan seems to have figured out he's halfway gone. They don't bother holding off clan meetings until the few times he's present, and Hikaku's daughter takes over all ceremonies.
She only asks him once if he'll stay, but she must see the answer on his face because she doesn't ask again. Just kisses him on the cheek the next time he leaves because she knows it's the last time.
Ironically, it's a mission from Tobirama himself. A sighting of the Kyuubi in the Land of Tea of all places, and there are very few people strong enough to go and have a chance at survival if they actually run into the fox. Madara volunteers before they can run through the list of other possibilities, and there's a brief moment where Tobirama looks like he wants to argue, like something's occurred to him, but Madara takes it and heads out before he can put up an argument.
Madara's gone before Tobirama realizes he only got back from the last mission the day before. And though he makes a note to not allow Madara to take any more missions for a while, force him to rest, and let the village see its surviving founder, it's too late by the time Madara crosses the Hattori Gate for the last time.
The mission was supposed to take months, so it's not entirely Tobirama's fault that it takes him almost eight to realize that Madara isn't back. He sends weekly updates for a while, then monthly, then every other month, and then they petter off into silence.
Madara finds the Kyuubi in the Land of Tea and seals him, though it takes more of him than he was expecting. Their battle lasts almost a week before the fox is finally weak enough for Madara to lock him away.
It takes weeks after that for Madara to heal, laying there in a destroyed tea field long enough for the bushes to grow back. The local villagers feed him, and a few months later, a message comes looking for him, but Madara doesn't respond.
He wanders eventually through all the smaller lands he never really paid attention to before. Some of them don't even exist yet, and maybe they won't in this life. He dwells on it for a few years, how things change and stay the same based on the smallest of actions and lines of logic Madara can't follow.
Maybe that's what he and Hashirama got wrong. They focused too much on the big things and forgot about the small ones.
Years later, when he's wandered across what seems like the entire world and thousands of miles away, Konoha is embroiled in brewing civil war; he sits down one day and just doesn't get back up.
The Rinnegan pulses, spins.
He wonders if Tobirama has noticed he's gone yet.
The Rinnegan turns back.
***
I'm sorry, she whispers, heartbroken by the task she herself has given them.
***
Attempt #328
And now that Madara has fallen, no matter how many lives he lives, he can't un-fall.
He wakes loving Tobirama, and he dies loving him no matter how long it takes.
Hashirama makes one attempt at an arranged marriage between the two of them, but no matter how doting Madara is, Tobirama never sees it as anything more than a cage, and it even ruins his relationship with his older brother.
No matter what Hashirama says, Tobirama does not see anything in Madara worth loving, and the village collapses around them.
The Rinnegan pulses, spins, and turns back before Madara can kill himself.
***
Attempt #337
Madara is starting to feel guilty for continuously ruining Hashirama's relationship with Tobirama.
He lets Tobirama kill him on the battlefield this time.
***
Stupid boy, she murmurs. Snowflake is just as stupid as the rest of them.
***
Attempt #345
Hashirama is furious, and he says so loudly and at length with many, many tears.
Madara promises not to do it again.
They make it to the village several more times, with varying degrees of success. The overarching issue they find is that they can't get the majority to move past the past. No amount of impassioned speeches and desperate apologies make a difference. There's so much pain and loss that there isn't enough time in a single lifetime to move past all of it.
They retreat back to the mountains, both of them waning in the face of so many failed attempts.
Madara's loneliness is a full-on sickness now. Most days, he can't bring himself to get out of whatever bed they've managed to build themselves, and Hashirama has to force-feed him to keep him alive.
Hashirama's devotion is enough to carry him along for several years, but eventually, even Hashirama realizes that it's not a life.
The Rinnegan pulses, spins, turns.
***
Attempt #349
Hashirama does not take the news of Madara's end in the last life well.
He demands Madara share everything with him now and vice versa. Madara can't take a piss without Hashirama demanding more information than Madara even wants to know, but every time he refuses to answer, Hashirama gets a haunted look, flashing back to the sadness that took Madara before Hashirama even had a chance to try.
So Madara gives in, for now.
And Hashirama makes him swear on his friendship to never stop and that means for all eternity.
Some day, somehow, Madara is going to get revenge for this.
Some day.
But for now, Hashirama is the only person outside the Uchiha themselves who realizes how cruel a life alone is for them, and he cries for Madara for a long time.
He does not like Madara's joke about finally knowing what it feels like to die of a broken heart.
Madara never makes that joke again.
***
Attempt #352
Hashirama eventually gives up on trying to convince Tobirama to love Madara, but he can't hide the sadness over it when he looks at his brother. He's already learned not to say what it is, though, so no matter how many times Tobirama asks, Hashirama never answers.
Coincidently, this is also the moment that Hashirama seems to realize that Madara wants to bang his baby brother, and that's an awkward moment.
He doesn't take the revelation well. Especially when Madara screeches, "What did you think I wanted?" at him in response to Hashirama's wails of innocent baby brother and honor and no touching!
They end up killing each other, to the horror of the village, and the Rinnegan pulses, spins, and turns.
***
Attempt #353
They spend a couple of lifetimes distracted by this issue. Never even making it past their teenage years before killing one another on the battlefield.
***
I'll make you both eunuchs, she threatens.
***
Attempt #356
This time, they agree to table the argument since there's no chance Tobirama's going to return Madara's interest, and Hashirama is an entertaining mess of relief and horror and guilt for a while.
This time, they're both born young enough and remember early enough to mourn the death of Daiki together and suddenly, it seems like Hashirama remembers that Madara was one of nine siblings.
Kawarama and Itama haven't even been born when Daiki dies, caught by a Senju patrol, and no amount of effort by Hashirama saves his life.
Tobirama, only four, doesn't understand why he even tried and it's the first time that Hashirama turns his back on his baby brother and doesn't talk to him for a month.
Their relationship in this life never recovers, and Madara and Hashirama die long before they can get their plans for peace up and running.
***
Attempt #357
Madara and Hashirama spend the next series of attempts obsessively attempting to keep their brothers alive. Hashirama only has the three, and Tobirama is almost strong enough to take care of himself as long as it's not Madara or Izuna attempting to kill him.
But Madara is a middle child of nine, and they're rarely successful at saving Daiki.
They realize very quickly that their memories of their beloved siblings do not translate to the people they become if they live.
Akane is sickly. A weak constitution that no amount of healing can save, and she always dies too young to really experience life.
Eri's birth is difficult, and he develops...wrong. It's a kindness in the end to let him die rather than be nursed his entire life.
Kyoko is the spoiled youngest, especially if their mother survives her birth, and almost always dies as a result of a romantic liaison she was warned against. No amount of lectures, lessons, or protections prevent it.
Itama is too gentle to live and has no survival instinct that Madara can find, which is startling in the world of shinobi. He dies repeatedly in situations a mid-level shinobi would know better than to get caught in.
Yashiro, Natsu, and Kawarama, they realize with horror cannot ever be allowed to have power of any kind.
The worst of it is when the Senju lose faith in Hashirama because of his constant talk of peace, and Kawarama engineers a takeover. Hashirama has to flee to the Uchiha for Madara's protection and help, and Kawarama executes Tobirama before they can make it back to the Senju compound with reinforcements, and Hashirama is forced to kill his surviving baby brother.
The battle isn't even over before he turns to Madara and begs, and the Rinnegan pulses, spins, and turns.
***
Attempt #361
Madara realizes that Tobirama is the one Hashirama needs to succeed. It's unfortunate and sad, but the continued effort to save Kawarama and Itama only proves to be a wasted one. Itama dies for his foolishness, and Kawarama, more often than not, dies as Hashirama's enemy.
They focus on keeping Tobirama alive, and every time he strikes down Izuna, a part of Madara dies with his brother.
They make it to the village, the closest they've gotten to what Madara remembers from that first life in a long time, but Madara can't settle.
Hashirama knows. He watches Madara closely, clings tighter, and they both ignore the rumors plaguing Hashirama's marriage as a result. Mito is too much of a politician to let it affect her, and Tobirama is silent but judgmental. The saving grace is that no one ever catches them doing anything because they aren't, so it's easy to turn a blind eye.
But it's not enough. Madara's eyes turn to the horizon more and more, the Sharingan straining against the chains he's put it in, and Hashirama sees it and clings tighter and tighter.
It's another lifetime alone for Madara, and it weighs on them both.
One night, he ends up at the Hattori Gate with no memory of how he got there, and Hashirama gripping his arm and pulling him back. The guards do their best not to watch the spectacle of the two founders of the village arguing in their pajamas until Tobirama arrives and demands to know what the hell they're doing.
Hashirama doesn't leave Madara's side for a week.
That's enough for Tobirama to realize there's truly something wrong, but the refusal of either of them to talk to him about it just leads to more fighting.
Hashirama breaks one night when Madara's not there and tells Tobirama that Madara's lonely, the person he loves doesn't love him back, and Tobirama just snorts and says that's not surprising.
And it's just....
Too much.
Hashirama leaves with Madara the next night.
They end up in the Land of Waterfalls and a couple of years have passed before Konoha manages to track them down. Hashirama won't explain why he left; other than that, he's disappointed that after all they've done, people still won't move beyond old hatreds.
He has far more hope and faith in the good of people than Madara or Tobirama ever will.
They both refuse to return, even when Tobirama comes himself, furious that two people who wanted the damn village in the first place are abandoning it.
He even makes a formal apology to Madara, the first time that's ever happened in all these lives, and Madara is tempted to believe him until Hashirama refuses.
Madara didn't see it, but Hashirama did.
Something in Tobirama's apology was false.
Hashirama appoints Tobirama Hokage and tells him he hopes he does better with the village than they did and sends him on his way.
Madara's never seen Tobirama look that lost before, but he follows Hashirama deeper into the waterfalls until they reach what will one day be called the Land of Lakes and doesn't look back at the white-haired Senju.
The village holds together for forty years before it loses the war with Rock.
***
Did you think I would let them succeed without you? Without my blood? After all our sacrifices? The sacrifices of those to come?
And she'd forced images into their minds of Fugaku and Minato. Obito and Kakashi and Iruka. Of Itachi. Sasuke and Naruto.
Do you think I will allow my blood to be pushed aside and forgotten?
I WILL NOT ALLOW IT!
***
Attempt #367
Hashirama builds them a lodge deep in the mountains, and Madara burns the Uchiha uchiwa into the highest peak just because he can, and they laugh at a world too blind to see it.
They've learned to survive the weather and the wolves and the rogues.
They have one another, and they do love one another deeply, just not in the way they both want. They are friends, brothers of the soul, and they will walk side by side until the end, no matter how many lives they live.
But there is no one to share their beds, their passions, no one to raise children with and to hold without restraint.
Hashirama loves Mito deeply, though he admits he could be happy with another. His love for her is informed by the lives he's had with her before, but it's not Madara's all-consuming, beyond-all-reason love for Tobirama.
Hashirama is not a Uchiha.
He can love more than one person.
This is the first lifetime where Madara tells him the Uchiha only love once. That there are no divorces in the clan, only widows.
Madara will never love another.
It takes Hashirama a couple of lifetimes to absorb the news.
***
Attempt #370
Madara and Hashirama randomly decide one drunken night to see if they can be together like that.
It's horribly awkward and vaguely disturbing, and they don't get very far before they both run away screaming.
They try a few more times because they are both horribly competitive and absolutely hate failing at anything, and they actually manage to make it work.
There's no all-consuming passion, but they do spend a lifetime together, partners in every way, and the closest to happy either of them have been in all of their attempts so far.
It's a wonderful life, but it's also one they're both willing to put aside for the dream of the village.
Still, they go into their next attempt more settled and more hopeful, with the knowledge that they can be there for one another in every way that matters.
***
Idiots, she mutters, but she lets them rest.
***
Attempt #371
They're a little too hopeful because the rumors that reach the Damiyo's ears make him nervous enough to have them both killed, but still, the hope remains.
***
Attempt #372
Madara still loves Tobirama and Hashirama still looks forward to Mito, but they keep one another until then, getting into the habit of sharing their firsts.
Comfortable in the knowledge that no matter what happens, at least they have one another.
It's during one of these attempts that Hashirama realizes that maybe what Madara's missing is Izuna. The only one of his siblings to survive long enough to fight at his brother's side, almost his equal.
Hashirama becomes convinced that Izuna is the key to making the village livable for Madara, so they turn their focus to keeping him alive. Hashirama even orders Tobirama never to kill him and they have to work their way through a few lives until Madara manages to finally convince Izuna to do the same.
They make it to the village with both their baby brothers, and for a while, it is better.
It takes some time for Izuna to settle; he's just as devoted to Madara as Tobirama is to Hashirama, but he's also much more volatile and emotional. Just as unwilling to trust as the White Demon but louder about it by nature.
He's also much more willing to admit that he's jealous of how close Madara and Hashirama are, which Hashirama, flower-brained fool that he is takes as a sign to try and bond with him.
The first time Hashirama hugs him, Izuna stabs him with a kunai out of reflex.
Madara, lulled into a drugged kind of happiness with his brother still alive to see the village, jokingly tells Hashirama that he should keep trying, and for weeks, the village is startled at random hours by Izuna's screaming when Hashirama sneak-attack hugs him and refuses to let go.
Tobirama is not amused by their antics.
Izuna does eventually figure out Madara is behind it and pays him back in kind by telling all the kids he can that he'll buy them sweets if they can stick things in Madara's hair without him noticing.
He walks around for three hours with a shiny pink butterfly clip in his hair before Tobirama asks how the hell he didn't notice.
They got complacent, Madara realizes, as the Rinnegan pulses, spins and Madara bleeds out next to Hashirama in the midst of their burning village.
Zetsu cackles above both of them as he finishes off Izuna.
This was the first lifetime that Tobirama tried to protect Madara, taking a katana to the chest as he knocked him out of the way.
The Rinnegan turns back.
***
This time, she's so angry she cannot speak.
They were not the only ones who forgot.
***
Attempt #375
There is one life where Zetsu gets to Hashirama first. Infecting him before Madara and the Rinnegan can wake him up.
It takes Madara a few years to realize it, and by then, Hashirama has dethroned his father and turned the Senju into conquerors. He starts with the smaller clans, avoiding the Uchiha, and Madara is frozen in horror for a few months, unable to believe what he's hearing until Hashirama goes after the Nara, and then he starts shoring up supplies and resources to prepare for the inevitable. Zetsu-Hashirama rolls over the Land of Fire, leaving nothing standing until he reaches the gates of the Uchiha Compound.
Tobirama is already dead in this lifetime, at his brother's hand. For all that he's arrogant and cutting and unwilling to love Madara, he didn't blindly follow his brother when he became a monster either.
The Uchiha are the last ones standing in this life, and Madara already knows they won't win, but he leads them into battle anyway.
Zetsu-Hashirama's mokuton tears through most, but this is also the lifetime where Madara learns that mokuton will still burn no matter how big it is.
This is the lifetime where he finds his way to the Godfire, the hottest katon, an exploding star, a wildfire when Izuna and Hikaku and little Kagami are ripped apart by the infected mokuton.
He sets the world on fire.
The Rinnegan pulses, spins, turns back before Madara can see how far his flames reached.
Hundreds of miles in all directions, burning everything in its path.
There's no life left anywhere by the time it burns out.
***
They call him the Great Calamity. Dai saigai, she purrs.
Only the strongest will bear her, and he is the strongest of them all.
***
Attempt #376
The Rinnegan learns its lesson quickly. It never allows Zetsu an opening to get either of them again.
They got distracted. Forgot about the bigger threat. Madara and Hashirama go back over everything they've learned about Zetsu and Kaguya and the miasma.
They spend a few fruitless lives trying to rip the infection out themselves.
Zetsu himself is a challenge, but one that they can overcome with a little effort.
The bigger issue is all his little plans, the infection that he's spread that is impossible to see completely.
They always miss something, and it always brings down the village.
Meanwhile, Hashirama is entranced with the Godfire, and there are a few scattered lifetimes among the next handful, where he sacrifices himself to help Madara bring it out and master it until it comes to Madara's fingertips as easily as a candle flame.
***
Attempt #387
They try warning people.
Tobirama and Izuna never quite believed them, and really, that was a sign they should have paid attention to.
Shockingly, shinobi don't take well to being told there's a weird oil-like being covered in leaves determined to destroy the world by waking an ancient Otsutsuki with a grudge.
That he calls Mother.
It's creepy, is what it is.
A few clans kill them: the Nara, the Hatake, the Hagoromo, and the Shimura.
Even more, just humor them and then share wary whispers behind their backs.
They realize that the more they tell people about Zetsu, the fewer people are willing to listen to them about peace and the village.
There's one very depressing life where they're convinced they can't have both, and they're not sure which one to pick.
This is the one life that Madara seeks Kikyo out. They find her deep in what will later become the Land of Smoke, and Hashirama is fascinated by her but smart enough to be wary and silent as Madara begs her for help.
She refuses.
Kikyo knows what the Rinnegan is doing and has become convinced that it is something Madara and Hashirama have to figure out for themselves.
She does allow them to remain with her for the rest of this lifetime and she spends the years beating them into the ground and mocking them for letting their training fall to the wayside.
She even laughs at the idea that they could take out Zetsu despite their insistence that they have.
Didn't stop him from destroying the village, did it? So, did you really beat him or just win a useless battle?
When the Rinnegan pulses, she tells them not to come back again.
It spins, turns.
***
Attempt #388
They come up with a plan. No one will listen if they spin stories about monsters and a thousand-year-old psycho sealed in the moon. They make more progress when they're vague, Zetsu machinations are moving against shinobi, so there's enough evidence to convince people there is an enemy out there.
They just can't be specific.
That's when they realize their second problem.
Zetsu is a ghost in the machine. An enemy of shinobi for sure, but never THE ENEMY. Never the main attraction. Never the one that requires immediate attention.
He bleeds them from the shadows, and they only ever realize once it's too late.
He is, Madara realizes, not a big enough threat to warrant unification, and then he feels like a fool for taking so long to realize.
Peace is a dream strong enough to create the village, but Zetsu is the enemy that can unite it.
If he's a big enough threat.
They have to make him big enough, but they realize quickly that Zetsu will play the long game as long as he's allowed to, and they have to spend almost twenty lifetimes figuring out what to do to make him attack out in the open.
The first time he does, they're so taken by surprise that he wins, wiping out their village and allies while Madara and Hashirama are visiting the Damiyo to convince him of the threat.
The Rinnegan doesn't bother letting them return to the village before it pulses, spins, turns.
***
Attempt #398
They need more firepower, they realize. Allowing Zetsu to become THE THREAT means they will need more than just the two of them to defeat him, but Madara and Hashirama are leagues beyond even their closest relatives now.
They need more power.
More blades.
More fire.
More weapons.
More teeth and claws and Madara feels like a fool for not realizing it sooner.
Hashirama thinks he's too hard on himself, but Madara was not raised to be a failure, and that's all he seems to do lately.
They need the tailed beasts.
Specifically, they need the Nine-Tails.
Moro agrees to join them on their quest after wheedling a promise of a great forest from a besotted Hashirama, but it still takes a couple lifetimes to track him down and then to corner him.
Moro sits back on her haunches and laughs the first time they fight him, and he rips them to pieces.
***
Attempt #399
No matter how much they beg, Moro will not fight Kurama for them, but eventually, they figure out what they need to say to make him willing to listen.
It turns out there is something on this earth more stubborn than the two of them.
The demon fox.
There's even one life where Hashirama manages to capture and hold him with the mokuton, but he's so angry that he still kills them once they've finished explaining.
***
Attempt #410
Finally, he allows Madara to share the memories through the Rinnegan and, well, he kills them again, once for every time they've sealed him.
Then, he agrees to help.
***
Attempt #411
The next lifetime, Madara wakes up to the Kyuubi waiting outside the Uchiha Compound Gates.
It doesn't go well.
***
Stupid mutt, she mutters.
Shut up bitch, he snaps back.
***
Attempt #420
They go back to planning. The Kyuubi and Moro slowly becoming as invested as Madara and Hashirama.
***
Attempt #434
They have a plan now. They know where to start, and after a few false starts and one embarrassing death by choking that they're never going to speak of again, they finally get there.
***
Attempt #???
Madara wakes up on his sixth birthday, kami knows what lifetime this is, and randomly decides to spend the morning by the river.
His morning katas are interrupted by a bubbly boy with a bowl cut and way too much energy.
***
It begins, she purrs.
***
"It's not that we have to quit

this life one day, but it's how

many things we have to quit

all at once: music, laughter,

the physics of falling leaves,

automobiles, holding hands,

the scent of rain, the concept

of subway trains... if only one

could leave this life slowly!" 

Roman Payne, Rooftop Soliloquy
***
~tbc~