Vaudevillain

Dextra Black leaned back in their customized aircraft as it intimidatingly maneuvered toward Cowabunga’s last known location. Thomas figured the overpowered villain would be the perfect counterpart for his character. A classic strength versus wits matchup.

One that Dextra wasn’t about to lose.

After all, this time the player had done his research. Cowabunga’s power worked in a strange way. Anything surfs basically worked like a frictionless shield. Whatever the hero targeted with his power would ‘surf’ over everything else. Meaning that when the hero targeted himself, everything that hit him would act as if he was untouchable. And from there, Cowabunga could target the deflected attacks and ‘surf’ them back toward his opponents.

Which meant Cowabunga’s weakness was in his targeting. If he couldn’t see an attack he couldn’t target it. However, he’d mitigated that weakness with a power that gave him a spherical bubble of awareness around him.

A crafty solution for sure, but Dextra still had a plan to win.

At it’s core, the plan was simple. Overwhelm the hero’s ability to select a target.

Of course, that was decidedly easier said than done. People had rather quick reaction times, on average around two hundred and fifty milliseconds. With the circular bubble of awareness, Dextra would have to use an inordinate number of attacks for even one to hit Cowabunga.

And so, Dextra decided that they would just cheat.

“We’re approaching the hero now, Ms. Black,” a subordinate said.

“Everyone is at their stations.”

Dextra nodded before turning and marching toward the hangar bay. Her NPC minions fell in after her, marching in a perfect order. The ragtag teams of villains joined in curiously, excited mutters echoing across the halls.

Once they reached the hanger, Dextra turned and clapped to get everyone’s attention. The chatter settled.

“I’m certain you’re all wondering what the upcoming plan is,” Dextra started. “Cowabunga is likely our strongest opponent, but he is no match for my genius intellect. I’ve already determined his weakness and devised a countermeasure.”

The NPCs stepped forward with briefcases in hand. They all snapped open in one smooth motion, revealing sleek golden guns.

“These weapons are for each of you,” Dextra said. “They contain six shots filled with a powerful paralyzing agent. Our goal is simple, overwhelm Cowabunga with a bevy of attacks.”

The villains nodded.

“This is, of course, more difficult than it appears,” Dextra said. “In addition to his ability, Cowabunga seems to have an innate awareness around himself, the radius of which not even I know.”

They did, but just handing the answer over would make for poor entertainment.

“As such, our first goal is to determine how far out Cowabunga’s radius extends. To do so, I will need all of you with ranged attacks to report to me. Everyone else, your goal is to attempt to contain Cowabunga in one place. Build a dome over him, sink him, I don’t care. Just make sure it is done. Understood?”

“You got it!” “Yeah let’s get him!” “For Dr. Zlo!”

“Excellent,” Dextra clapped. “Now, once we’ve determined his range, everyone with a gun is going to fire on my command. The goal is to overwhelm him. One attack will get through and from there we shall take his paralyzed body and deposit it into Dr. Zlo’s machine, thus turning their strongest combatant to our side. And then with our genius and his strength, nothing will stop us from taking over.”

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“Yeah!” the villains cheered.

“Thirty seconds to landing,” announced an NPC.

“Alright, places everyone,” Dextra said.

The group ran to the hangar doors, eager to start the assault against their enemy.

Dextra maneuvered toward the morality machine, ready and waiting. No doubt some sneaky heroes would attempt to move in while the plan was in motion. After all, it’s what a good mastermind would do.

A klaxon blared and the pneumatic pumps hissed as they pushed open the doors leading outside. Villains charged forward, leaping onto roofs and sliding down walls to reach the chaos involving Cowabunga. Once the last villain stepped out, Dextra closed the doors and made their way back to the command center.

“Status.”

Sure enough, a number of heroes had broken off from the fighting and were looking to attack. They flew into the air with powers or various devices.

“Unleash the swarm,” Dextra said.

The minions obliged, and Dextra watched as the sides of their airship opened up to reveal a number of drone sized mechanical constructs. Each one was equipped with a laser, knockout gas, and an explosive kill switch.

A face of static manifested on a nearby screen. “Drones one hundred percent operational.”

“Excellent. Commence the assault.” Dextra nonchalantly accepted a cup of tea.

The heroes instantly reacted, many firing into the drones as soon as the cloud erupted from the airship. But the controlling AI easily avoided the blasts. Then, as one, the swarm rushed forward. Soon, bright red lasers shot with pinpoint accuracy against heroes in power armor, while others fell from the sky as knockout gas temporarily dropped them. Others found themselves the victim of an explosive assault, their various protections failing to the bombardment.

All the while, Dextra watched and waited, ready to move forward.

Cowabunga looked up from his fight on the ground. “Woah, that’s a lot of villains, bro.”

More than he’d expected Dextra to send. From what he remembered, his friend enjoyed testing the waters before going all in. Which likely meant that this was testing the waters.

Though, maybe it was just a precaution. Cowabunga had effectively stolen the Morality Machine and had used it to some effect. Five villains had been ‘rehabilitated’ and were now on the side of the good guys. However, the fell almost instantly to combined fire from the squad holding him down. They worked well together for a makeshift team.

The monster summoner held him one place with a frankly absurd amount of summons while the DJ villain kept them up and running with his musical buffs. Finally, the last villain kept finding ways to send Cowabunga flying back into the fray whenever he tried to escape. But, they were still a makeshift party, which was why he’d gotten a few of the surrounding villains into the Morality Machine.

“Well, I guess I’ll just have to rise above the waves.” The hero chuckled to himself, glad that no one else could hear him actually enjoying the puns. Merla would never let him hear the end of it if she found out.

“Right, bros!” He shouted to the attacking villains. “As fun as this is, I’m going to have to put you in time-out before your reinforcements get here.”

“As if,” The monster summoner retorted. “You’re locked down.”

“Ah, but bros,” Cowabunga said with a laugh. “Don’t you know that all the good surfers love riding through the tube.”

With those words, the hero leaped forward, flickering his power to slide him across the ground. Sure enough, the villain that redirected him moved to intercept. Cowabunga shot back, his momentum flipped.

This time, however, the hero was ready. He used his power and ‘surfed’ once more, which sent him shooting up to the sky.

“Bring him down!” someone yelled.

But Cowabunga had predicted this. Whatever the villain’s power was, it only seemed to flip his momentum. Therefore, if Cowabunga surfed in the opposite direction he’d continue on his trajectory. Which is exactly what he did.

The villains watched in annoyance as the hero popped out of their trap like a cork out of a champagne bottle.

“Catch you later bros!” Cowabunga laughed. “I’ve got another date!”

He surfed up toward Dextra’s awaiting airship. Let’s see how they dealt with a frontal assault.

Dr. Zlo cackled as he watched Cowabunga shoot to the sky and fly right at Dextra.

“Uh, boss, isn’t that a bad thing?” Cass asked.

“On the contrary, Cass,” Dr. Zlo said. “Our masterminded friend has just taken one of their strongest pieces off the board while depositing reinforcements. Cowabunga has, in his haste, forgotten about the Art of War!”

“Oh, wow,” Cass said, clearly not understanding.

“Don’t worry about it Cass,” Dr. Zlo said. “Your small brain is better suited to following orders.”

“You got that right, boss,” Cass said.

“Now, come, minion! Let us embark! I believe I’ve caught a whiff of our foe!”

“Oh, I hope he doesn’t stink too much, boss. I’ve never been good with smelly stuff.”

“Cass, you barely have a nose.”

“Which is why I’m not good with smells!”