Tuya of the Hollows

This was a special night. Tuya lay in a bed of dried foliage layered on a thick branch just beyond the waterfall cave. Through Batu's clearing, she saw stars and the big blue crescent moon. Even with the clearing, most nights the sky was dark as it rained far more often in this land than in the Hollows. On those rainy nights, the warm drizzle seemed to trap heat in the forest. But not tonight.

Tuya's feathers didn't cling to her as they often did. She could, for once, be comfortable without feeling exposed. Nor had she strained herself too much or too little this day. Tuya was one who needed to move to feel alive, but not one who wanted to spend her whole life running. This day had struck the balance, not only physically but also mentally. She'd brought an Atmana back to life. She'd given hope to Dancing and Brave that she could do the same for their parent. She'd stood her ground against one that tried to oppress her. And she'd lived as one with Celegana as she listened to the wild and found what she'd needed. If this was life, life could be good.

Cozy, a great view, well-fed even though the boar she'd killed was gone when she returned to fetch her bow. Whether Hungry Hill Boar had eaten or buried their boar friend, Tuya didn't know. Perhaps any of the millions of critters in the forest had picked it clean, not even leaving behind the bones. Either way, Tuya had made use of her bow and her wilding to find herself a tasty meal that didn't leave much time to mourn the loss.

But what made it best of all wasn't what she could see or feel now. It was what she dreamt of feeling and seeing soon. Despite her satiated stomach, Tuya felt hungry for something no food could ever satisfy. Much of the evening had been spent in daydream, and the time to live out those dreams approached fast. Tuya hoped.

She knew she wasn't supposed to think of Brave Wolf as a man, but her mind still interpreted what her eyes saw, and they saw the second most handsome man she'd ever seen. She was done lying to herself about that. They looked good to her. More so than even Darrakh had. And, unlike Darrakh, and especially unlike Gurg, Brave was pure of spirit. Compassionate. Courageous. Steadfast. Brave was what Tuya thought a man should be.

But she had also thought Darrakh was the kind of man she wanted to be with. The only thing that had ever held her back was his refusal to link minds with her. She wondered if Brave would be too afraid to meld their consciousnesses. How would she handle it if another refused to give her all the truth? Then again, she believed that Wolf would live up to their name and be a better man than Darrakh had been all those nights in their cave.

It was a blessing that Batu was asleep, his mind entirely quiet and dreamless for now. The worst part of her evening had been his steady disagreement. The great eagle was a flying mass of contradictions. He had wanted her to find people to care about and now he wanted her to let them go. Why couldn't he just be steady, consistent?

Alas, Tuya knew that she couldn't say that without looking at her own reflection. They'd both changed their minds. Batu had wanted Tuya to find people to care about but he didn't want to stay anymore and be with them while they had so much left to do. She could understand that. Perhaps she could even understand that he was right. But the future where Brave came with her was too tempting to let go of.

It took many more breaths until Tuya sensed that Running Bear had finally fallen asleep. The whole time she could sense Brave Wolf's anticipation, even greater than her own. It wasn't long after Running's emotions went quiet that she sensed Brave coming for her. She never heard them. Silent stalker that they were. But she'd learned to trust her mind and her eyes more than her ears.

Feeling playful, Tuya lurked atop her branch, waiting to spring down on Wolf when they got beneath her. Alas, Brave's ability to see in the night seemed nearly as good as Tuya's. They glanced up the moment she moved for the vine, waving as she swung down to meet them, their tail wagging behind them as they remained mostly in human form.

Howler swung past them, then shifting her weight, she returned. That playful part of her that had been stifled almost all her life, surviving like a flower in the dark, bloomed. She flipped off the vine, spinning in the air, landing right into water form and flowing smoothly in front of Brave Wolf.

Their wide eyes were more beautiful than any shining moon ever could be to Tuya. But, faced with that sweet face, her heart beat more for fear than excitement. The playful piece of her went back into the dark as her worries claimed the night.

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Run, Tuya thought. Before you get this good soul hurt. Before you have to live without them.

Tuya hesitated, unable to leap off this cliff into currents that might make her wish she'd leapt all those seasons ago. But she wasn't given the chance to flee. Not when the other person here was too brave to run.

Brave's rough hands held hers softly. Their strength, their adoration, and the kindness in those brown eyes grounded Tuya, silencing the urge to run. Without hands, Brave Wolf spoke the only word they knew. "Tuya."

"Wolf."

She squeezed their hands. Many, many nights spent in a dark cave without glowing mushrooms echoed like voices in the dark, warning her not to fall in love again. A sky full of one tamer's consciousness. Blood on the spear. How long until this happened again? Did she truly believe that Gurg would never find her? She couldn't love again while Gurgaldai ezen Celegan lived.

Little drops of pain fell from stars on a perfect night in a flawed world. Tuya looked down, unable to gaze into such kind, loving eyes that she would someday watch fade away if she followed her heart's path.

Wolf's tongue cleaned the tears away. Tuya recoiled at the first lick, but felt their tongue washing away more than tears. The part of her that wanted to live and not just be alive wouldn't let her pull away. But neither could she lean in or lick Wolf's face.

Wolf leaned in, still licking after her tears had dried. Small laughs escaped their prison inside her soul. Tuya lifted her arms unsure whether to push them away or pull them in closer. The choice felt irreversible. So, she didn't choose. Her arms fell to her side, limp, as the not-boy she adored licked her face and made her feel warm within.

Brave Wolf came closer, their arms cradling Tuya's back. She didn't push them away. Perhaps that was a choice, but she refused to acknowledge it. She wanted more, the hairs on her body standing, her heart racing as if her life were on the line. Then Brave's breeder poked into her thigh, echoing the hundreds of nights spent in the cave with Darrakh. Silver eyes shining bright with light fading forever. Blood on the spear. A broken heart. Hundreds of nights dreaming of this for one night acting on it until it was the end.

Tuya pulled away, turning her back to Wolf. She couldn't. Never again would she let herself be that vulnerable. She had to stop this before she lost control. Before wanting something now overcame doing what made pain smaller later. Going further could only end in heartbreak. Blood on the spear. Brown eyes fading forever.

Wolf whined. It would've been easier if they understood or if they'd been angry with her. She wished she didn't have to hurt them. But this was better, even if it felt like denying a piece of your spirit. She hated Gurg, but he was right. She'd never truly be free of him until one of them was dead. She couldn't live while he was alive.

Tuya needed to leave this place before she did something she regretted. Breathing, as Zaya taught her so long ago, she faced Brave. Seeing her, their eyes instantly widened and the whining stopped.

"How will I find Loving?" she signed.

Brave signed, "Become one."

"One what?"

They touched their head and their heart, then signed, "If we become one, like you did with the lost Atmana, I can show you Loving."

Tuya sighed at the irony. Something that couldn't decide whether it was a laugh or a sob forced itself through her lips. After all the hundreds of nights with Darrakh trying to convince him to link with her, Brave was asking her after only their first evening. This was a lover who would never hide anything from her. Instead, she had to hide herself so her love didn't get them killed.

She pretended ignorance. "Which way is Loving?"

Brave shook their head. "I don't know. We lost them long ago. They could be anywhere."

Tuya swallowed, acknowledging how hopeless her quest seemed now. She could spend a lifetime searching and never find them or she could find them and not even know if it was them. Unless she could sense Loving's mind from afar. But the only way that would be possible is if she knew Loving well enough to distinguish them from the millions of millions of life forms in the Great Atmana Forest.

Or if she experienced memories of them through the mind of someone who did know Loving well. Running would know them best, but the old bear would never share their mind. Tuya could link with Dancing Tsonggo, but if she didn't link now, it was possible Running might force her to leave. If she shared her mind with Brave, they'd know how she really felt. Which was worse, letting the person you dreamt of having a future with know that you wanted but couldn't be theirs or giving up on helping them save the missing piece of their family?

Make pain smaller, Tuya thought, clutching the pearl necklace. She would pay the price of a broken heart to get her mother back.

"You need to let me in," she signed.