NOVEL NEXT Chapter 57 - Worries
People often say that eyes are the windows to the soul.
When I heard that saying before, I didn’t think much of it.
Eyes are just eyes, windows my ass.
I thought about it so simply, but now my thoughts have changed a bit.
It’s hot.
Did my question light a fire in Lark’s heart?
Even a fool would clearly understand the meaning conveyed silently if they saw such eyes directly.
This is troublesome.
It’s like I received a completely unexpected confession.
I glanced around discreetly, and since the cam screen was positioned behind Lark, it seemed we hadn’t been caught yet.
Thinking I should salvage the situation first, I put on a stern expression and said:
“This instructor warned earlier to answer promptly. Trainee, prepare for PT exercise #8. Begin!”
-Ah, this is boring. Are they going to skip over this? They should at least set up a forced We Got Married situation with Mia before enlisting.
-I’m disappointed in Lark. His sense has really died. He should have countered with a brilliant ad-lib.
-I’ve already fully invested in Lark-Mia coins. I’ll hold my breath until it skyrockets, inhale!
-Think about it ㅋ Would Mia date a soon-to-be soldier enlisting in November?
-Yeah, hello Mia’s room simp!
Fortunately, I was able to salvage the situation before the cam screen showed Lark’s face directly.
Lark made a bitter expression for a moment before quickly taking the position for PT exercise #8 as instructed.
Although I didn’t have any responsibility to reciprocate his feelings, I couldn’t help feeling sorry since we were friends.
“Huff, huff! 7 reps… done. Even though I couldn’t carry, you’ll still come visit me, right?”
“5 more reps!”
“Ugh!”
Wagyu was struck by a bolt from the blue due to his lack of tact.
The broadcast ended successfully.
It was natural for it to succeed since we captured freshness with a topic not easily seen and humor with various comedic elements.
However, even while accepting such good results, there was a bitter aftertaste.
“Since when?”
“I don’t know.”
Wagyu and Wang-gae-mi made some excuses and left first.
In the space with just the two of us.
Lark’s deflated voice is heard weakly.
“I’m sorry, but I’ve never had romantic feelings for you.”
“… That’s cruel. But thanks. For cutting it off clearly so I don’t have lingering attachments.”
Lark’s head droops endlessly, as even the slight hope he might have had crumbles.
Seeing his dejected appearance, I’m reminded of the many things we’ve done together with Lark until now.
Of course, Mia was always involved too, but Lark always remained a good friend and connection.
“Aigo…”
This is an action I would never have taken if I were a man.
Rather, I would have scolded him.
Telling him not to be so down as a man.
But is this also because my body has changed to a woman’s?
Feeling sorry for Lark, I unconsciously approached and hugged his lowered head to my chest.
“…!”
Lark is startled by the soft sensation against his head and tries to raise it.
I yelled at him to stay still as he squirmed, and stroked his back with my hand.
“This noona gave you some special service today. So stop it! Men shouldn’t cry.”
“I wasn’t crying!”
Lark laughed in bewilderment at my brazen comment.
Was it out of emptiness?
Anyway, that laugh contained many emotions.
After stroking his back a few more times, I patted his back with a “smack” sound.
“Ow!”
“That’s to bring you to your senses.”
I push Lark away from my embrace as he raises his head.
“How was it? Felt good, right?”
“… Ha! Let’s not talk about it. My eyes must have been crooked. You’re completely tomboyish, but I misunderstood.”
I know and he knows too.
How clumsy a lie it is, and that he somehow needs to make that lie the truth.
So I didn’t even think of giving forced comfort.
“Serve well in the military.”
“I still have over two months left!”
“I’ll come visit.”
“… Make sure you do.”
There’s no point in exchanging more words; it would just be empty cries.
As we’re making awkward expressions at each other, my phone starts vibrating loudly.
Thinking inwardly that it’s nice timing, I check my phone, but the two characters that appear on the screen make me hesitate.
[Mia]
“……”
An unidentifiable chill runs down my spine.
The entire way home, I was harassed by Mia.
As soon as I answered the call, Mia started whimpering about how I could do this, and I had no choice but to keep apologizing like a man comforting his girlfriend, saying it was all my fault.
After about 20 minutes of throwing out all sorts of apologetic phrases like “I really did wrong”, “I committed a mortal sin”, “I’ll make sure this never happens again”, etc., Mia calmed down a bit and told me why she was upset.
“How could you do this, unnie? It’s been so long since I asked to meet face to face, but you left me out and met some weird high school kid and Lark oppa… I’m really hurt!”
“I-I’m sorry. But I didn’t take off my mask. Lark and I haven’t even shown our faces to each other yet.”
“… Really?”
“Of course! Check the broadcast. I’ll show my face to you first.”
“Tch! I’ll let it slide just this once.”
It’s close to sophistry, but I managed to pacify Mia well, so that’s enough.
“Yawn! I’m dead tired.”
I arrived home.
After pushing away Lark’s feelings and comforting Mia, my fatigue is no joke.
I roughly washed up, shed my clothes like a molted skin, and dove straight onto the bed.
“Haah…”
[Do you feel sorry?]
“Not really!”
I think I did as much as I could.
It’s not like I can date a man anyway, right?
[Is there a reason you can’t date? It’s natural for a woman to date a man.]
“I’m a man! Are you going to keep talking nonsense?”
The helper silently changes the chat window to transparent, reflecting me like a mirror.
Though the disharmony in the face area is bothersome, it was clearly a woman to anyone who looked.
I was momentarily speechless, but gritted my teeth and answered.
“But my mind is…”
[You might claim to be a man, but does that have any meaning in the current situation? You’re even in a state where pregnancy is possible.]
“Eat shit.”
I turned my back on the helper and closed my eyes.
I’m already mentally exhausted, and I don’t know why it’s saying such things.
I’m tired.
I closed my eyes just like that.
“Hey hey, why are you trying to rush from the start, lightweight?”
“I’m doing it because I want to eat, why!”
It’s a gathering with friends.
My mood was uneasy all day.
It’s partly because it’s that day, but Lark’s confession yesterday had that big of an impact on me.
That impact doesn’t refer to the issue of emotions between men and women.
It was the issue of my self that I had been trying hard to ignore.
“Fuck! I’m… a man. That’s right, but why am I a woman?”
“You’re already drunk. Yeah, you’re a man alright. Totally tomboyish. Kekeke.”
“Should I record a video and upload it to the group chat? It’ll remain as a lifelong black history.”
“Are you trying to take hidden camera footage in front of the police?”
It’s annoying and noisy.
Let me continue my thoughts.
The fact that I didn’t feel much resistance to Lark’s confession, and the action of hugging his head to comfort him, are all things the previous me would never have even thought of doing.
I was gradually changing.
Different from my original self.
At first, I wouldn’t even touch skirts, stockings, or underwear, but now wearing them has become natural, and my behavior and way of thinking were changing unconsciously.
Lark’s confession was the trigger that made me realize these changes that I had been trying hard to ignore.
It’s scary.
I feel like I might lose all of my original self at this rate.
If everything has already become feminized when my sex returns to male in the future, what should I do?
My head hurts and I’m confused.
I shake off my friends’ restraining hands and down another drink.
The world spins.
In that dizziness, I could forget all the worries that were plaguing my mind.
“Hey, get a hold of yourself.”
“Uh… huh?”
I came to my senses at the cold sensation brushing my nape.
I opened my eyes with difficulty to see Myunghoon holding a hangover drink and pressing it against various parts of my body.
The cold sensation driving away the haziness.
I snatch it and gulp it down in one go while looking around.
It was a bench in the park located between the bus stop and my house.
“When did you come?”
“What do you mean when? I thought I was going to die moving your drunk ass, but you still haven’t come to your senses.”
It seems he brought me here while I was drunk.
As expected of a fitness trainer!
Those muscles weren’t for nothing.
“Where are the others?”
“They’ve already left. I’m suffering like this because I live nearby.”
He shrugs his shoulders as if fishing for praise.
Cute guy.
I reached out and gently stroked Myunghoon’s head, which was higher than my eye level.
“What are you doing?”
“Hm? I’m praising you for being cute.”
“Keep messing around and you’ll die.”
“What? Are you trying to get scolded by noona?”
I press down hard on his head with the hand that was stroking it.
Myunghoon whined and giggled pretending to be in pain, then casually said:
“Are you having a hard time?”
“……”
I was momentarily speechless.
A moment of silence.
Myunghoon speaks again.
“Can you endure it?”
“… Yeah.”
“Then that’s good.”
There wasn’t much content.
He just added, as if throwing it out, “The other guys were worried too.”
But why does that comment feel so comforting?
As I waved to Myunghoon heading to his house saying it was late, I thought:
That no matter how I change, my friends will still remain my friends.
I felt like my fear of the future of my changing self was diminishing a little.
Maybe because the effects of alcohol were still lingering, I felt a warmth in my chest.
And the next morning, a video was uploaded to the group chat.
[Fuck! I’m… a man. That’s right, but why am I a woman?]
-Yoonjin: I heard this person is a famous female streamer these days, but she’s completely wasted?
-Myunghoon: ㅋ
-Byeonghan: No;; I told you not to record.
-Hani: You’re dead, where are you now? I’m coming to your company. Just wait!
Friends my ass.
I will settle this matter of life and death with that bastard enemy today.