To Own The Libs

 

As I concluded my tale and finished describing everything I’d done over the previous seven months, starting from when I’d met Anna and Elanor at the Theta Omega Tau party and ending with Vicky’s disciplinary hearing, the bedroom was eerily quiet. Neither Nora nor I spoke for a long time: I could barely hear us breathing.

I wiped the tears from my eyes, very likely smudging my make-up in the process, but I honestly didn’t care. I looked around the room and was surprised to see that, while the curtains were drawn, some light was filtering through them. A glance at Nora’s bedside clock told me it was a few minutes past five in the morning: nearly dawn. I’d talked for so long, without stopping, that the night was almost over.

As was my friendship with Anna, Elanor, and Vicky. As was my relationship with Nora. After all, considering everything I’d done, there was absolutely no way they’d want anything to do with me after today. They’d drop me like a hot coal. I’d be shunned, and left alone.

All I had to do was wait for Nora to speak up. To say the words that would condemn me. To utter my sentence.

It was still several long minutes before she made a sound, and when she did it was a deep intake of breath, and then a long, drawn-out sigh.

“Oh, you complete dumbass.”

I blinked.

What?

There were lots of things I’d expected Nora to call me, but ‘complete dumbass’ was certainly not among them.

“What?” I asked, somehow managing to find my voice.

“I can’t believe you’ve been through so much, and never thought to open up to me. Or anyone else, for that matter,” Nora said. “You’ve been suffering alone, on your own, for so long, and I never even noticed. I’m so sorry, Lily.”

I stared at Nora. Why was she treating me like this? After all, I was a liar. A deceiver. A terrible person. I didn’t deserve to be treated well by anyone. I didn’t deserve to be loved, not even by my girlfriend.

Wait, was she even my girlfriend at that point? After all, she was sure to break up with me after all this, wasn’t she? Even if she somehow – how??? – managed to find in her heart to forgive me for all the lies I’d told her, in the end she was a lesbian, and I wasn’t a girl.

“Nora, I–” I began.

“Lily,” she cut me off. “This changes nothing. You… you’ve made a mistake,” she said, her voice somewhat doubting, as if she didn’t really believe the words that had just come out of her mouth. As if she didn’t really believe the fact that everything I’d done had been a mistake. “But in the end, you’re a good person. This doesn’t change how I feel about you. And I doubt it will change how anyone feels about you. Anyone whose opinion is worth listening to, anyway.”

My mouth fell open. What? How? Why? Nora didn’t…

“No!” I exclaimed. “Nora, no. Please. I…” I drew in a breath. “I’ve done so much. Don’t lie to me. You hate me!”

“No, I don’t,” she replied calmly.

“Yes, you do! I deserve it! Hate me! I need you to hate me!”

Nora tilted her head to the side, and looked at me. “Why?”

“Because! I’ve been lying to you! I’ve been deceiving you! This…” I gestured down at myself. “This isn’t really me! I’m not the person you think I am!”

“You lied to me… how?” she asked. Her tone of voice was almost maddening: even, calm, it sounded like she was genuinely curious, it sounded like she wasn’t judging me at all.

But she must have been, right?

“Well, for starters, I’m not a girl,” I said.

Nora snorted; she turned her head to the side, and covered her mouth with her hand – but I could see she was grinning widely in amusement. “Seriously, Lily? Have you taken a good look in the mirror lately? I mean, I know you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but when I look at you – not just at how you dress, but at how you move, at how you behave – the word that comes to mind isn’t ‘man.’”

I flinched as if I’d been slapped.

Man.

Yes.

Because, in the end, that’s what I was, wasn’t it?

And if so, why did that word feel so bad, coming out of Nora’s lips and spoken about me, though indirectly?

“But…” I began. I grit my teeth, squeezed my eyes shut. Powered through, despite feeling physically sick. “But I must be. I must be a man. Because I’m not a girl.”

Nora looked at me for a moment, then waved her hand. “Okay. Then, leaving the question of your gender aside–”

“That’s quite an important question!” I protested.

“Leaving the question of your gender aside,” she repeated, more forcefully, “what else have you been lying to me about?”

“I…” I began, and then stopped. My thoughts fumbled about, searching for an answer. Because that was what was important, wasn’t it? I’d been lying. Constantly. Since the beginning. Since I decided to come out to Anna – to pretend to come out to Anna. Because I hadn’t really come out to her, hadn’t I?

Had I?

But then, if I’d been lying to everyone, about everything, why was it so hard to think of a single lie I’d told? There were thousands of them, surely. Then why couldn’t I come up with one? One would suffice. But I just couldn’t.

“I…” I repeated. I looked pleadingly at Nora. “Don’t do this to me.”

“I mean, were you lying when you told me you liked the dress I picked out for you? Were you pretending a few months ago, on Valentine’s Day, when you said you enjoyed the time we spent together?” she asked, and then her eyes turned hard. “Were you lying when you told me you loved me?”

“No!” I answered quickly. “God, no! Nora! No! Please, if you don’t believe me about anything else, believe me on this. I’ve never lied to you about that. Not ever!”

“But you just told me you’d been lying to me. ‘About everything,’ you said. So.” She paused. “Have you been lying to me?”

“Never about my love for you. Never,” I replied. “Never, Nora. I could never lie about that.”

“What else, then?” she insisted. “You said you’ve been lying, so what have you been lying about? I mean, we’ve established that you think you’re not a girl–”

“That’s exactly it! Don’t you get it, Nora?” I shouted. “That’s what I’ve been lying to you about! To you, and to everyone else!” I looked down, and punched the mattress in frustration. “God, it’s like you’re not listening to me. I’m not a girl! My name isn’t even Lily, it’s–”

“No,” Nora said sharply, and my head snapped up in surprise, my eyes meeting hers. “I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to know it. Whatever you were called before, that doesn’t matter. You’re Lily. That’s who you are.”

“No,” I whispered. “No, I’m not. I’m not. I can’t. I…” I sobbed. “I can’t be Lily.”

Nora bit her lip, and looked at me for a moment. “Do you want to be?” she asked quietly.

Do I want to be?

“I−” I began, and then gulped. My mind started racing. My breathing started getting faster. I twitched around, my head spinning and turning – physically spinning and turning, looking desperately for a way out. I started to get up from the bed–

“Hey, no,” Nora said, grabbing my arm to prevent me from fleeing. “Lily–”

“Don’t call me that!” I shouted. “I’m… I’m not…”

My breathing started getting faster still; by that point, I was hyperventilating. My own heartbeat pounded heavily in my ears. I desperately tried to pull my arm away, trying to free myself from Nora’s grasp, but she was holding on tight, as if she was gripping a life preserver.

Then she reached out with her other hand, grabbed my shoulder, and turned my body with all her strength, to face her again. She looked deep into my eyes; tears started welling up into them once again.

“Nora…”

“Tell me five things you can see.”

My mind responded almost automatically. I blinked, and my eyes darted around: the light coming from the window was brighter now, bathing the whole room in a dim penumbra.

“Uh…” I said. “Curtain. Clock. Bed.” I hesitated. “Me. You.”

Nora nodded. “Now tell me four things you can hear.”

I strained my ears. “The birds outside. The bed squeaking.” I took a deep breath. Slow, deliberate. Focused. “Me. You.”

“Now tell me three things you can touch,” she said with a kind smile.

“The bed. Me. You.”

“And now, two things you can smell.”

I breathed in deeply: Nora’s scent – her perfume, her sweat, her everything – was almost overpowering, overflowing, coming in waves, mixing together with mine. The whole room was filled with us.

“You and me.”

Nora smiled, leaned in, and kissed me. “And one thing you can taste,” she said, once she’d leaned back.

I licked my lips. “You.”

Her smile became wider. “Good. Welcome back, my girl.”

Girl.

I gulped.

“Nora… Nora, no. No. I…” I sighed deeply. “I’m not. I’m not a girl. I’m not a girl.”

Nora looked at me for several long seconds, her stare clearly bewildered and disbelieving. “Okay,” she said after a while, letting go of me and raising her hands in mock surrender. “I get it. Alright, no problem. It’s entirely fine. You can just… stop. You can just stop taking hormones, switch up your clothes and presentation, give up on voice training, change your name again, and you can go back to being that guy.”

A shock ran through my body. I felt my stomach twist; I had to hold myself back to avoid retching, then and there. I realised that, at that moment, I knew exactly what Vicky felt when she thought about having to go back to being her old self.

“No,” I replied sharply. “No, I don’t want to be that guy any more.”

“Hm. Understandable,” Nora mused. “From what you’ve told me, from what Anna said, that guy was kind of a jerk, actually. I mean, being friends with Joe? Agreeing with him? Going along with what he said? What even the hell? Who’d want to be that guy?”

Somehow, I almost felt the need to speak up. To defend myself. To defend him. But when I tried to think of what to say, I came up empty.

“Alright,” Nora continued. “But again, that’s no problem at all, really. You don’t have to be that guy, you can just be a guy. You know, a completely normal, run-of-the mill dude. You just have to–”

“No!” I shouted, without even wanting to.

Nora stopped talking. She tilted her head to the side, and looked at me curiously. “No?”

“No,” I repeated, quieter that time, and I lowered my eyes. “No. I…”

I gulped.

“I don’t want to be a guy.”

There was a moment of silence, as Nora and I both thought over what I’d just said.

“Lily. Lily, look at me.”

Reluctantly, I tore my eyes from the bedsheets, and looked up, deep into Nora’s eyes once more.

“I get the feeling you’ve been walking on eggshells all your life,” Nora said, smiling warmly at me, and placing a hand on my arm. “These past few months especially. Don’t you think it’s time to stop doing that, and just… stomp down? Stop pretending, and crush those eggshells entirely?”

I frowned. “Stop pretending? What do you mean?”

Nora sighed deeply. “I mean admitting that you’re a girl, Lily. Admitting it to yourself.”

I looked at her for a moment, then shook my head. “I’m not a girl.”

“Why not?”

“Because… Because. You can’t just say you’re a girl. You can’t just be a girl,” I protested. “That’s not how it works.”

Nora’s hand moved, lightning-quick, and slapped me lightly on the top of my head. “That’s exactly how it works, you dumbass. You’ve been around queer people long enough to know that. And besides, after all you’ve done, after all you’ve been through, after all you’ve just said to me, are you really going to go ‘still cis tho?’ Seriously? Come on.”

“But…” I said, and then stopped. What was I even going to say?

“But?” she asked gently.

“But… I don’t feel like I’ve earned it.”

“Okay, first of all: it’s your gender, you don’t have to earn it. It’s already yours. And second…” Nora paused dramatically, and smirked. “Facts don’t care about your feelings.”

I blinked. Once, then twice. I looked at Nora: she was still smirking.

“Nora, did… did you just…?”

“Shh,” she replied, putting a finger to my lips. “I’m going to ask you a question, Lily, and I want you to answer honestly.”

I nodded.

Nora nodded back.

“Who are you?”

“I’m Lily.”

Nora shook her head. “You know that was not what I was asking. Who are you?”

I hesitated, then gulped. The answer was there, on the tip of my tongue, but somehow it refused to come out.

I looked at Nora. At my girlfriend. She was looking at me, smiling expectantly.

And I found I couldn’t just let her down. I couldn’t let myself down. Not any more.

“I’m a girl,” I said.

Nora’s smile widened. “And I’m so proud of you,” she replied, wrapping me in a hug.

And I cried.

The floodgates opened, and I just bawled my heart out. Everything I’d been through since my decision, seven months before – everything I’d ever been through in my whole life – came pouring through. I cried, and cried, and cried, seemingly endlessly. Basking in my girlfriend’s arms, safe in her embrace, I cried. And she cried along with me.

Until finally, after what felt like hours, I stopped. We stayed there for a few more minutes, without speaking, just feeling each other’s breathing. Each other’s warmth.

Then we separated. Nora grasped my hands and looked at me, tears in her eyes, a wide smile on her lips.

“Are you okay, Lily?” she asked.

Lily. Yes, that was my name, wasn’t it? And I realised that ever since I’d first heard it – after Joe, ironically, had first suggested it to me – it had felt natural. Without even realising it, I’d soon started thinking of it as my real name.

Because that’s what it was.

I was Lily, and I was a girl.

God, it was so simple. So clear. So self-evident. How did I not see it before?

I took a deep breath. “I think I am. No, sorry, I don’t think I am. I am. Really.”

Nora nodded. “I’m so glad. When you started talking, when you told me everything, I… I was afraid I would lose you. I was afraid I would do something wrong, and push you away.”

“No. No, Nora,” I said. “You could never push me away. No matter how much you try. And I realise that it’s useless for me to push you away, either.” I smiled. “After all, I tried to do so right now. I really tried. But you refused to let go.”

“And I never will,” she answered. “I’ll never let go of you, Lily.”

I smiled at her, and leaned in. We kissed. Deeply.

“And I’m really glad you’ve decided to come clean,” Nora said, once we’d come up for air. “I’m willing to bet that if you hadn’t, it would’ve kept eating you inside. It’s good to let it all out.”

I nodded. “And now I have to come clean to everyone,” I said. “I’m really not looking forward to it.”

Nora put her finger to her chin. “Well, not everyone. After all, there aren’t that many people who interacted with you directly, day in and day out. There aren’t that many people who need to know. For all they care, you found out you were trans in November, and decided to transition.” She smirked. “No need to mention that you were only doing it to try and own the libs.”

“But what about our friends?” I asked. “What about Vicky and Elanor? What about Anna? I have to tell them. They deserve to know.” I gulped. “I’m afraid of how they’ll react.”

“Psh, they're fine,” Nora replied, waving her hand dismissively. “I think you've built enough trust and goodwill that they won't mind that much. We'll tell them you were both an egg and an idiot, and they'll understand.”

“Are you sure?”

Nora nodded. “I’m sure.”

I took a deep breath. “Okay then.” I flopped down in bed, and stared at the ceiling. “Man, this night has been a night. It took a lot out of me. Both physically and emotionally.” I yawned widely.

“So what I’m hearing is, you don’t want to pick up from where we left?” Nora said; I turned my head to look at her, and she pouted. “As I remember, we were just about to–”

She was cut off by a pillow smacking her in the face. “No,” I said with a laugh. “No, not right now. I’m… more than a bit tired. Too tired for that.” I paused. “Besides, there will be more chances.”

“Oh, there will?” Nora replied with a smirk.

For once, I didn’t let her fluster me. “Yes, there will. I don’t intend to let you off the hook that easily, Nora.”

She laughed. “I look forward to it.”

“You do that,” I smiled. “But you know, for the time being, we can cuddle. If you want.”

“I do,” she replied. “God, I do, Lily. I love you.”

“And I love you.”

We kissed one more time, then we took off our clothes, and changed into our sleepwear, with me borrowing some PJs from Nora: the legs and arms were a bit too long, but in the end it really didn’t matter. Then we slipped back into bed, under the covers, and started spooning: I thoroughly enjoyed the feeling of Nora’s warmth on my back, her breath on my neck, and her arm draped right over me.

It wasn’t long until I fell asleep, a content smile on my lips.