To Own The Libs

“This is it,” my Uber driver said as he pulled over in front of the mall.

I nodded in response. “Thank you,” I said, as I opened the door and stepped out of the car. “Have a nice day.”

“You do the same, man,” he replied.

I frowned slightly at his words – who the hell calls their client man? – but I closed the door and he drove off. I tapped a couple times on my phone to leave him a tip, and then looked up at the mall itself: that was where Nora had told me to meet her. Which made sense, since I’d told her I had to buy a bra.

Truth to be told, I was a bit nervous: after all, this would be my first real date with Nora, and also my first date in a few years – even though we’d officially started dating a little more than two weeks before, we’d never met up on our own, just the two of us. Someone from our small friend group had always been with us. Not today, though.

I’m here, I tapped into my phone. Just arrived.

It took only a few moments for my girlfriend (God, I actually had a girlfriend: the thought made me a bit giddy) to respond: Good timing, I’ve just arrived too. Let’s meet at the food court.

I locked my phone, slipped it into my purse, and took a deep breath. Alright, Lily, let’s do this thing.

The food court was easy to find, at least: smack dab in the centre of the mall, just keep walking in a straight line from the entrance, can’t miss it. There weren’t that many people around – it wasn’t the weekend – so I had no trouble spotting Nora, and when I did I felt my eyebrows rise in surprise.

Nora was wearing a dress.

It was the first time I’d ever seen her wear something that didn’t include pants, be it a jumpsuit or a complete outfit. It was the first time I’d ever seen her wear a skirt.

And she looked amazing in it. Considerably less butch than she usually was, of course, but it actually made me a bit jealous that she could pull off both looks – butch and femme (or femme-y, actually, since she was wearing sneakers and a backpack along with her dress) – seemingly effortlessly.

Nora spotted me at the same time I did: she started waving me over excitedly, and then walked over to meet me halfway.

“Hi, Lily!” she exclaimed, and she leaned over to give me a peck on the cheek. “Happy Valentine’s Day!”

“Happy Valentine’s,” I replied with a smile. “You look really good.”

“Don’t I?” she said, twirling in place. “It’s not what I would usually wear, but considering what day today is, I borrowed this thing from one of my room-mates.” She gave me a smirk. “Thought I’d impress you a bit.”

“Consider me impressed,” I said. Compared to my girlfriend I felt seriously underdressed, even though I’d worn one of my best outfits; it was nothing, though, compared to a nice dress.

“So, what do you say we head over to the lingerie store? It’s just over there,” Nora said, pointing.

I nodded. “Yeah, just a moment before we go,” I said. I rooted inside my purse for a bit, and pulled out a box, which I handed to Nora. “Happy Valentine’s Day,” I said again.

Her face brightened into a wide smile. “You’ve bought me a present?” she asked. “Aw, Lily, you shouldn’t have.”

“I did, actually,” I replied, as she opened the box of chocolates – they were the nicest I could find on short notice. “After all, you’re my girlfriend. And this is Valentine’s.”

“Thank you,” Nora said, popping a chocolate into her mouth. “You know, I actually have a present for you, too.”

“You do?” I asked, with a small frown; usually it was the girl in a relationship who received a present, wasn’t it?

As soon as that thought ran through my brain, though, another thought followed it: of course she bought you a present, you idiot. She thinks you’re a girl. Her girlfriend, to be precise.

My frown deepened as I felt a pang of guilt, but Nora just said, “Why the frown? Of course I have. Why wouldn’t I?” Then, after a moment, she continued, “But if you don’t mind, I’m going to wait until a bit later to give it to you.”

“Huh,” I replied, shaking my head to chase away the bad thoughts. “Alright then. When you’re ready.” I motioned toward the lingerie store. “Shall we?”

Nora nodded. “Let’s.”

We joined hands – this was a nice perk of having a girlfriend; it had been years since I’d last walked hand-in-hand with someone, and it felt really nice – and made our way to the store; then we stopped on the threshold, looking inside.

I hesitated. The thought of stepping foot inside a lingerie store made me quite a bit nervous: this felt almost like a point of no return, like an event horizon – it felt like there would be no coming back from this.

Nora sensed my hesitation, and turned to look at me. “Do you want me to handle this?” she asked, with a kind smile; I wordlessly nodded, grateful she was taking charge.

Still holding my hand, my girlfriend gently guided me inside the store – it was quite big, I didn’t expect there to be so many choices of bras and other lingerie – until she spotted a shop assistant, and walked over to her.

“Good afternoon,” the assistant said with a professional smile. “May I help you?”

“Yes, I think you can, actually,” Nora said; she leaned forward and lowered her voice. “You see, my girlfriend

,” she continued, nodding her head towards me, “is looking for her first bra. We need some help with sizing, and in figuring out what works best.”

The shop assistant’s eyes flickered towards me, widening in surprise for a brief moment; but then she smiled and nodded. “Of course, that’s no problem at all. I’m Astrid, and I’ll be glad to help you.”

“Thank you, Astrid,” Nora said, and I felt her squeeze my hand in reassurance.

“Let’s just go to the back, away from any prying eyes,” Astrid continued. “This way we’ll have a bit more privacy.”

Following Astrid, we made our way towards the back of the store: the changing rooms were located there – which made sense, this way they weren’t visible looking into the shop from the mall, and the privacy and modesty of any women trying out lingerie was safe.

Well, women and cis men pretending to be women, I reminded myself, and even though I was very nervous, I found myself giggling a bit at the thought: it may have been weird, but I was sort of looking forward to the experience of being fitted with a bra.

“Alright,” Astrid said, stopping in front of one of the changing rooms. “Do you know what size you are?”

“No, I don’t,” I replied, shaking my head.

“Alright,” she repeated. “We’ll have to get you measured then.” She paused. “Uh… You have to strip to do that, though. Show me your bare chest. Are you comfortable with that?”

I felt my cheeks go slightly pink. “Uh… Um,” I mumbled. “Can’t we do it over my clothes?”

“We could,” she replied. “But this way we probably won’t get the correct size, and it’ll be difficult to find the right bra. But if you want to…”

She let the sentence hang in the air, and I looked at her, and then at Nora, who was beaming a reassuring smile at me. “Don’t worry, Lily,” Nora said. “We’re all girls here, after all. Nothing to be ashamed of.”

She was right, wasn’t she? We really were all girls there. As far as she knew, at least. And it wasn’t like I was going to see her naked chest. And, what the hell! I was a man! There was no shame in showing someone my naked chest! I just had to bear it, and let two people stare at my skin for a while: a shop assistant and…

And my girlfriend.

I gulped.

“I don’t want you to see,” I said.

Nora blinked in surprise. “Wait, what?” she asked.

“I’m okay with her seeing,” I continued, nodding towards Astrid. “But not you.” I paused, looked away, and added, in a small voice, “You’re my girlfriend. It’s embarrassing.”

There was a moment of silence, then Nora giggled softly. “Oh my God, Lily, you’re so precious,” she said. “I love you so much.”

I looked up at her in surprise: wait, what? I was almost expecting her to be angry at me for refusing to show her my boobs, but she wasn’t? Instead, she seemed… amused.

“Don’t worry, I won’t look,” she continued, giving me a peck on the cheek. “You two go in there and do your thing, I’ll stay out here and wait. Shoo, shoo.” She motioned me and Astrid towards the changing room: the two of us went in, and drew the curtain closed behind us.

“It’s a bit of a shame, though,” Nora added. “I was looking forward to it. Ah well, I’ll have to be satisfied with my imagination.”

I blinked. “No, wait, hold on, what are you imagining?”

“Oh, you know… things,” Nora replied, and I swear I could hear her smirk.

I blushed furiously. “Oh, go away, you!” I said. “Go browse in the store or something! We’ll call you when we’re done!”

“Okaaaaaaaay!” she called back. “See you later!”

I heard her step away from the changing room; after a few moments Astrid said, “She seems like a really nice girl.”

“She is,” I smiled. “I don’t know what I did to deserve her.”

“Well, you clearly must have done something right. I can tell she cares about you very much,” she said. Then, after a moment, she added, “Now, let’s get to it. Strip, please.”

I nodded, and quickly removed my coat and top, which I hung on the hook in the changing room.

“Camisole too,” Astrid said; I looked at her for a moment and then, with a bit of trepidation, also took off my cami.

Astrid was extremely professional: she didn’t comment on what I looked like at all, she just made me turn around, back towards her, and got to work, placing a tape measure snug across my chest, just under my breasts.

“Thirty-six…” she said. “Alright, this might be a bit uncomfortable, but bear with it for a moment.”

She moved the tape so it ran right over my nipples, and pulled it taut: I shivered a bit.

“Thirty-six A,” Astrid said. “Just barely. Okay, I’ll be right back.”

She left the changing room, and was back in short order with a half-dozen different types and shapes of bras. “You could probably make do with a training bra for a couple months, but I’ll give you a proper one instead,” she said. “This way you’ll have room to grow.”

She had me try each bra on in turn, until I found the one which fit me best – a simple, skin-tone bra which cupped my budding breasts very well. It felt a bit tight across my chest, but I was sure I would soon get used to it.

I turned towards the mirror and looked at my reflection, giving it a good once-over. I looked…

Well, I looked like myself.

Wearing a bra.

I actually looked quite nice, if I had to say so. I was satisfied with what I saw in the mirror: if I turned this way and that, I could see the bra supported my boobs, and made them stick out a bit from my body – I was sure they’d be noticeable even under my clothes, unless I went back to wearing my baggy hoodies, which I really didn’t want to do.

“I’ll take this,” I said. “And… Do you have, like, a sports bra? Or something that can flatten my breasts and not make them show as much?”

“We do,” Astrid nodded. “But why? You look very nice in that. You should be proud.”

I blushed a bit yet again. “Well, you see, I’m not out, except to a small number of friends. And if someone figures me out, there could be issues. So I have to hide these,” I motioned to my boobs, “for the time being.”

Astrid nodded again. “Alright, hold on a second.”

Once again, she left, and was back in short order with some sports bras – a smaller selection this time, only two of them. I tried them both on, and picked the one that fit best.

“Do be careful, though,” Astrid warned me. “Don’t wear this too much. You’re still growing, and if you’re too constricted, it could cause damage.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I replied with a nod; I took off the sports bra, and then hesitated a bit, looking at the other bra I’d picked. The cute one.

What would be the harm in wearing it a bit more? Just for today, around the mall? After all, I could always duck into the bathroom before leaving to go back home and take it off. Yeah, I could do that. And this way, I would get more experience in how being a trans girl is like, experience which I could use for the article I was planning to write.

Excellent idea, Lily.

Fumbling a bit, I put the bra on – Astrid had helped me before, but I insisted on doing it myself: after all, I had to learn how to put it on on my own, there’d be no one to help me wear it and take it off. Then, once again, I looked at myself in the mirror.

Yeah. Cute.

“I’ll bring the sports bra to the register,” Astrid said. “You take your time.”

I nodded and, as she left, reached for my clothes.

“I guess you’re done in there?” Nora called from outside. “It’s getting a bit late, and we have an appointment after this.”

An appointment?

“Yeah, I’m done,” I called back.

There was a moment’s pause, then Nora said, “Can I see?”

I couldn’t help but smile. “Not right now, but I’ll show you eventually. Let me just get dressed, and I’ll be right out,” I replied.

“No, hold on a bit,” my girlfriend continued. “Here.”

The changing room’s curtain slid back a couple inches, and Nora’s hand poked through, holding a dress. The dress, actually, the one she’d picked out for me when we went out shopping for clothes, and which she’d kept in her room for me after I bought it.

I hesitated. “Uh… Nora? What’s this?”

“It’s your dress, of course,” she replied, matter-of-factly.

“And you want me to wear it?” I asked.

“Of course. That’s why I brought it in the first place.”

I bit my lip, looking at the dress. It looked really nice. And I really wanted to wear it, just to see what it looked like on me again. After all, I’d only worn it once, back when I’d bought it. Still…

“I can’t wear it, Nora,” I said. “What if someone sees me?”

“What if someone sees you, Lily?” my girlfriend said. “They will think you’re cute.”

“No, I mean,” I replied, and then took a deep breath. “I’m not out yet.”

“Ah, no one gives a crap. It’s a liberal college town, trans and gender non-conforming people are a dime a dozen here. No one will look at you twice. I promise.”

I nervously bit my lip again. She was right, wasn’t she? A newly-out, just-transitioned trans girl wasn’t an unusual sight. And the chances of someone who I didn’t want to know about me seeing me were near zero – when I’d left my dorm room, Joe was studying intently, trying to catch up with everything he’d missed while he was on his short stint in jail.

“I haven’t shaved my legs,” I protested weakly.

“I brought tights,” Nora said. “So, are you going to wear the dress or not?”

I gulped. “I’m going to wear the dress.”

Nora chuckled. “Good girl. Take your time, but not too much.”

“Yeah, we have an appointment, you said?” I answered, as I slipped the dress on and grabbed the tights. “What’s that for?”

“It’s my Valentine’s present for you.”

I slid the tights up my legs. “Oh, right, you’d mentioned that. What is it?”

“You’ll see.”

“Okay, I’m ready,” I said, sliding the curtain open: Nora stared at me, for a moment, and then smiled.

“What do you think?” I asked, spinning around in place and making the skirt flare out a bit.

“Cute,” my girlfriend said, nodding approvingly.

The top of my ears started to feel warm, but luckily they were hidden beneath my hair. “Thank you,” I said. “What should we do with my other clothes?”

“I’ll put them in my backpack.”

I nodded in agreement, and together we made our way to the register. “Oh, you’ve changed,” Astrid said when she saw me. “You look really nice.”

Nora put an arm around my shoulders and pulled me close to her. “Doesn’t she? My girlfriend is the cutest.”

I giggled, and disentangled myself from Nora’s embrace. After I paid for the bras – “Thank you, and come back any time,” Astrid said with a smile – we left the lingerie store.

“Okay, that’s one thing done,” Nora said, turning towards me. “Now it’s time for your present.”

She offered me her hand, which I took. “Lead the way.”