They Wanted a Healer, I Gave Them Trauma

"EAT! EAT! EAT! EAT!"

The whole restaurant was chanting, mugs slamming, feet stomping, while Ahrie and Min fought for their lives against their food.

"ARGHH! FUCKKK!"

Ahrie slammed the knife into the table, breath heaving, face twitching with rage.

He grabbed the roast chicken by its greasy little torso.

"You're not escaping this time!" he snarled and bit down hard.

Crunch.

He froze.

"...Was that—bone?"

Before he could react, the damn thing kicked him—

its bony leg snapping forward like a professional martial artist.

Ahrie flew backward, crashed into a nearby table, and sent mugs flying.

"WHOOOOOO!"

The crowd erupted, raising their drinks and cheering as if they were watching a wrestling match.

The roast chicken strutted proudly across the table before hopping off and running away outside.

The laughter grew louder. Beer spilled everywhere.

It was chaos.

Meanwhile—

Min was on the other side of the table, cornered by his romantically aggressive octopus.

It had wrapped its tentacles around the chair legs, batting its eyes—

or, well, eye spots.

"N-no, I'm good, I'm full—seriously!" Min said, sweating.

The octopus raised a tentacle and pointed to itself, as if asking, You sure?

"I SAID NO!"

Finally, Min waved down the waiter.

"Hey! I—I don't want this dish anymore!"

The waiter nodded calmly.

Then, without saying a word, went to the back—

came back out wearing a full hazmat suit.

The crowd went silent for a second.

He grabbed the octopus by the plate, grunting as it tried to cling to the table,

and slowly dragged it away—

leaving behind a slimy trail and the faintest, most heartbroken squeak.

"Ekk… what's with the super cautious outfit shiiit…" Min muttered, still staring at the waiter dragging away the octopus like it was a live bomb.

The villager sitting at the next table leaned over, mug in hand. "That's because that strange octopus is highly poisonous, lad. One bite and you're dead before you can even chew."

Min froze mid-blink.

His jaw dropped.

Then why the hell is it on the menu, he thought, eyes darting to the list of dishes.

"How 'bout that chicken then?" he asked

The villager chuckled, wiping foam off his beard. "Ahh, that one? Don't know too much 'bout 'em, but they say those birds train in martial arts or somethin'."

Min's expression is flatlined. "…What."

"Yup. Adult ones can grow as big as a man. They're strong, too—stronger than some Seekers I've seen," the villager continued casually.

"But their minds are weak, especially the young ones. That's how they manage to capture and cook 'em here."

Min slowly turned to look at Ahrie.

Ahrie is still searching where that bastard goes…

On the Ent's freaking office—

Ahrie's Ent was munching again, eyes glued to his screen, crumbs all over the desk.

"Eughh… what the fuck kinda food was that…" he groaned, still traumatized by the meal replaying in his head.

Six sprouts were watching his live.

Sprout #02 – Linnene: Lol

Sprout #01 – Hypergyphon: wut da helly

Sprout #03 – Essos: Eat one!

Ahrie's Ent blinked, looking at the chat.

He froze.

"…Ehh? Hell nah, bud. Hell nah—"

CLIIING!

A sharp notification echoed through the office. His room suddenly glowed red.

Sprout #03 sent a gift!

All the other Ents nearby turned toward his door.

And there—appearing out of thin air on his desk—

was a Xor'thuun Ssyrrak's Eightfold Feast.

The tentacles twitched.

Then began to crawl… toward him.

Ahrie's Ent backed up, banging on the door.

"NOOOO—PLEASE! NOOOOO!"

From outside, the other Ents were laughing, locking his door shut.

The dish lunged, tentacles wrapping his face, forcing its way in.

GULP!

Ahrie's Ent fell to the ground twitching, bubbles frothing from his mouth.

The entire Ent office burst into applause and laughter.

Sprout #02: lololol

Sprout #03: rip bro…

Sprout #01: ALL HAIL ESSOS!

Back at the restaurant—

Both Ahrie and Min froze, eyes dull, brains syncing on the same regret.

Why… are we eating here again?

They sighed in unison.

BLUG!

A mug slammed onto their table—beer sloshing over the rim.

The Glimmerfen Seekers from the next table surrounded them, all drunk and rowdy.

"COME ON! DRINK! DRINK!"

The crowd roared.

Min smirked, grabbed the mug, and downed it all in one go.

GULP.

The Seekers burst into cheers.

"Hik!" Min hiccuped, swaying.

His body tilted, ready to fall—

"Eh?" Ahrie reached to catch him.

But Min's foot stomped the floor hard—his body straightened like a coiled spring.

His left hand was about to grab Ahrie's arm.

Then—

Sikee… he fake grabbed it.

His right hand flashed.

The knife spun through his fingers, flipping, twirling, then landing perfectly in his grip.

He ducked low, spinning under Ahrie's arm like he was training with it.

The blade came up—pointed straight for Ahrie's neck.

CLANG!

Ahrie's rapier blocked the strike with pinpoint precision.

He didn't flinch.

But his grin widened, impressed.

"Ohoh… look at this bastard," Ahrie said.

"You weren't this fast before."

BAAM!

A monster the size of a small child burst through the restaurant entrance—

wood splintered, tables rattled, and beer sloshed across the floor.

The crowd froze, eyes locked on the creature.

Min, drunk out of his mind, stared at it.

Then—he dropped his knife.

Then his tiny shield.

And posed.

Like some legendary drunken martial arts master.

The crowd erupted—cheers, laughter, clinking mugs.

Some drank, others kept eating.

Free entertainment, apparently.

Ahrie just sighed, stood up, and walked toward the counter.

"Do you guys have normal fucking food or something?" he muttered.

The waiter smiled nervously.

"Sorry, sir… our restaurant's policy has always been—you need to hunt it… to eat it."

Ahrie just stared at him.

"…Unbelievable."

He cracked his neck.

"Fine. Give me another one of that chicken."

He drew his rapier, gave it a few clean swings through the air—

warming up.

The crowd roared again as another creature's screech echoed through the doorway.

The monster and Min locked eyes—

like two gunslingers about to duel in some dusty western town.

Wehuwehuweeew… Neeew neew neeeeew…

Classic Wild West tune playing in everyone's head.

The air got heavy.

The crowd went silent.

Gulp.

Someone swallowed hard.

Then—

the monster lunged.

Min didn't flinch.

He just leaned back—slowly—

so low his back nearly brushed the floor, eyes closed, perfectly calm.

The monster froze mid-charge, tilting its head, confused.

Then Min… just kept going.

Gently lowering himself… until he was lying flat on the ground.

"Eh?"

The entire crowd reacted at once.

Min covered his face with both hands.

"Night night…" he mumbled.

Then—he cracked one eye open, winked at the monster.

The crowd exploded.

"OOHHH DAAAAMN—he's mocking it!"

"Look at that bastard!"

The monster whipped its head around, trying to figure out where the insults were coming from.

"Oii, mate! He thinks you're boring!"

"He doesn't even wanna fight you, dawgg!"

Laughter erupted, mugs slammed, people howled, until the monster's patience snapped.

It screeched—high, sharp, furious—

a sound that silenced the entire restaurant.

Then—STOMP!

The monster's massive foot came crashing down.

Min rolled aside just in time, the floorboards cracking where he'd been a second ago.

It roared, frustrated.

Min rolled again—left, right, like a drunken log escaping doom—

Each movement is sloppy but somehow perfectly timed.

The crowd went wild.

"ROLL, BROTHER, ROLL!"

"YEAHHHH THAT'S IT MAN!"

Coins started flying.

"100 bronze on the kid!"

"50 for the tiny drunk bastard!"

At the counter, Ahrie raised an eyebrow.

"Tch."

He tossed his pouch down.

"300 on the monster."

While bets were being made, the monster kept going berserk… swiping, kicking, even using its tail to whip low across the ground.

Min, barely standing straight—stumbled up just enough to dodge,

the attack whooshing inches from his face.

Every movement looked accidental…

but somehow, the bastard made it look like art.

Everything was going perfect—

until—

CRACK!

His lower back hit the sharp edge of a table.

"Ouff…"

He crumpled to the ground.

"SEE! HAH! WHAT DID I TELL YOU!"

Ahrie shouted, grinning ear to ear as he reached for the pile of coins.

The whole restaurant went quiet.

Only the sound of hikk… hikk… drunk hiccups echoed.

Then… someone slammed a mug down.

The crowd turned on the monster.

"You wasted my goddamn coins!"

"You think you're tough, huh you ugly-freaking shit?!"

The monster panicked, waving its arms like,

"Wait wait! I didn't do anything!"

Too late.

The mob of drunk Glimmerfen Seekers surrounded it—

and beat it senseless until it cried like a toddler.

Then—

THUG!

A thunderous noise shook the walls from outside.

The cheering stopped.

Every head turned toward the broken door.

WHAAAM!

The entire restaurant shook—roof flying clean off like a tin lid.

Dust rained down. Plates clattered.

And from the hole above—

Ahrie looked at the night starry sky…

THUD!

A Relatively Large Monster landed in the middle.

The same kind as the one they are currently beating up.

This one is much larger, more refined and seems more sturdy.

It turned.

Its beady eyes locked onto the monster laying on the ground, crying.

A pause.

Then—recognition.

Its entire body stiffened.

That small-ass monster… was family.

It puffed its chest, trembling with fury.

The restaurant went dead silent.

But then—

That monster saw the crowd.

Dozens of red-eyed, drunk Glimmerfen Seekers…

Every one of them, pissed off, slowly drew their weapons.

The air turned heavy.

Even Ahrie could feel the weight of it—like the whole room wanted blood.

The monster twitched.

A bead of sweat rolled down its neck.

"Uh oh…"

The crowd snapped.

Knives. Swords. Forks. Even mugs.

Everyone pulled out something deadly.

The monster's eyes went wide—

and it bolted.

"GET THAT FUCKER!"

The crowd howled,

chasing it out the door in a drunken, chaotic stampede—

tables flipping, chairs flying—

the entire restaurant emptying out into the night.

Only Ahrie and Min remained, staring blankly at the destruction.

"…When's that roast chicken coming?"

Ahrie muttered.

The waiter looked at him deadpan… "are you serious?"