THE WARD

I dash out of the kitchen as Enid begins to remind me which bathroom is the closest to the kitchen like I'm some senile octogenarian who can't remember if they peed or not. I just need a moment to adjust to his presence, to gather myself, or something of the sort. I wasn't expecting him to be home. I wasn't expecting him to look at me as he was ready to devour me whole. Once again I'm conflicted. I can't decide whether to smother him in his sleep or kiss him senselessly. There is a thought, how can you hate someone and love them at the same time with so much intensity? I'll have to admit it's mind-boggling but I guess that's something I'll have to figure out eventually, don't I?

I stop in the bathroom of my old bedroom. There is nowhere else to go other than outside in the garden and I find with utter exasperation that I don't want to leave.

One, two, three. I count in my head as I draw deep breaths in to reign in the roiling emotions stoking inside me. I'm caught in the fast winds of a tornado and I need to step in the eye of the storm. There it is peaceful. It's not an assumption, I know so. There I can take a moment to just breathe in and let it wash away. After a few seconds, I find my centre. And the thunder and lightning recede to a comforting rumbling.

And so does his arms around my waist, and so do his lips on my skin, and the soft warm brush of his breath on my cheek. For a moment I'm inclined to think I'm hallucinating. That my mind is finally rebelling against me, making me feel and hear things that aren't truly there. I've been there before, so technically it would be old news.

"Breath, Lily." He whispers in my ear, and I'm not surprised when my body involuntarily follows the softly whispered command.

" Good. Now open your eyes," When I do our eyes meet in the mirror and I'm having trouble grasping whether this is real or imagining it.

Gently, he presses a thumb on my wrist and begins massaging it, in slow soothing circles. The queasyness that often lingers for far too long for my liking, slowly begins to recede.

" All better?" He asks and slowly lets go of me, taking a few steps back.

I nod and clasp my wrist, trying to hold on to the warmth of his touch a little longer before letting it go.

" How are you doing?" His gaze roves over my face and I finally see a deep-seated sadness in his eyes.

" Good," I rasp and turn to look around the bathroom. Nothing has changed.

The dust has settled over the surfaces of the bathroom furniture, indicating the lack of use and so has the dust fogged up window with a visible hand print on the outside. My hand print. He preserved this place like a shrine, and I can't help when a wave of unnamed and unwanted emotions begins to bloom in my chest.

I doubt that he lacked the money to pay Harriet to clean that room. My eyes fall on the bed sheets and I notice that they are the same rumpled sheets where we spent our last night together. The same bed sheets that we had made love in. No, he kept everything intact on purpose.

He waits for me to finish my inspection. While I study the room he studies me with an intensity that makes my skin alight.

I turn my gaze towards him," You haven't cleaned the room," I say quietly, my gaze finding its way to his.

" No," He says softly," Why would I?" He throws back the question and I have no answer for it. I have a vague idea why but the man lied to my face on several occasions, and proposed to another woman. A woman who is now pregnant and he may or may not be the father. So, what do I know?

As it turns out, I know nothing.

" Lily," He takes a step forward and I find myself taking a step back. We can't dance this dance anymore. For starters, I suck at it and so does he. And you know the rest.

" Mason." It's a warning, for him and myself.

" Why?" It comes out in one breath. A question for the ages. It's a question with multiple answers and he understands that. At least I think he does, because he takes a deep breath in preparation. Softly gazing at me, taking in every distraught inch on display, he reaches with his hand, but when I shy away he drops it back to his side.

"Because it was for the best if you didn't know all the gritty details. I told you in very few words that I might do things that you won't agree with," He licks his lips," That was one of them. I needed your unwavering trust for what I had planned to work. I didn't know who might be listening, so I chose to carry that secret alone for your sake. For our sake," He takes a deep breath, and I'm all but a pile of mush on the floor. He sounds sincere, he looks as innocent as a baby but I know better than to trust his expressions or his words. Or babies.

" For once in your life tell me the truth. I need to know. Is it yours?" I ask the question that has been nagging at me since that day when I came back from Tith.

" She says is mine but it is hard to impregnate someone without sleeping with them. And I never touched Ava," So, Riley was right. At this point, I'd rather trust Riley than him, even though she mainly relies on gossip.

" Come home," He says before I have a chance to ask any more questions. I want to laugh but unfortunately, I don't have it in me, because I want to more than anything. But what's the point? What would we do? How could I share a roof with someone I don't even trust?

Instead, I remain silent and just stare at him like he has lost his marbles. He acts as if nothing happened. As if what happened in the temple was nothing more than a childish squabble. From where I stand, it wasn't. It shook me to my core, and all I want is to forget it ever happened. Forget we ever happened.

" No," That is all I have to say. And I'll die on that hill, even if it's the last thing I do.

Brushing the apple of my cheek with the back of his hand " No?" He parrots as he lowers his hand to his side and takes a step back, looking down at me with furrowed brows.