THE VOICE OF NOTHINGNESS

Was the weather still sunny, or was it just my imagination? Why is it so hot in June anyway? If only it rained now, and I got soaked. And as the rain gently touched the ground, it would cleanse my entire being. Would raindrops be enough for my ruined life? Could they wash away my tainted past? Would they bring back my parents or at least take their pain with them to the earth? Turns out, I was asking a lot from the rain.

"Merve, come on, get up. You're going to be late." Büşra's voice snapped me out of my thoughts. The smell of delicious food filled my nostrils.

"I'm up; I'll be at the table in two minutes."

Still groggy from sleep, I pulled a grumpy face. I had almost forgotten about today's exam. I dragged myself out of bed. Of course, Lady Merve can't get out of bed without an incident. Clumsy as ever, I tripped with the blanket and fell to the floor. Struggling to free myself from the fabric, I finally stood up. Getting out of my silk-covered bed felt like torture this early in the morning. I shuffled across my plush carpet, feeling its texture beneath my feet, and headed to the bathroom. After freshening up, I looked in the mirror and sighed. My jet-black hair, reaching down to my waist, was tangled; the sparkle in my green eyes had almost disappeared. My dad used to call me "my green-eyed girl," and my mom would stroke my hair, calling me "my golden-haired girl." She never wanted me to cut it, so it had always been long. I grabbed my comb and let the waves cascade over my shoulders. Lost in my thoughts, I splashed water on my face to bring myself back. If I dawdled any longer, I'd have to leave without breakfast. Hurrying, I made my way to the kitchen. My dear friend had prepared breakfast again. Büşra was my only anchor in this life—my childhood friend and next-door neighbor. I had convinced her to stay over last night; staying alone in this big house wasn't easy, especially after that dreadful day.

"Merve! Oh, Merve! If we're late to school, Hasan Hoca won't let us take the exam this time, you know."

I could see her love and concern for me in her eyes. Her care made me smile even more. I shrugged as I pulled out my chair and sat down.

"Oh, Büşra, if he doesn't let me take it, so be it. As if I'll actually get into university."

I was the one who turned the affection in her eyes into sudden frustration. She gripped her fork tightly and pointed its sharp end at me.

"What nonsense are you talking about? Of course, you'll get in!"

I turned to my plate, took a bite of cheese, and sipped my tea slowly, uninterested in the conversation.

"I don't want to talk about this."

Büşra, seemingly exhausted from trying, let out a deep sigh, stabbed her fork into a pastry, and took a huge bite.

"Fine, we'll talk about it later. Just eat your breakfast."

Her full mouth and the cheese spilling out of the pastry made her look even more endearing. I couldn't resist pinching her cheeks. We cleaned up the table with laughter and then headed upstairs to my room to get ready. I lived in a modest two-story villa. Though "modest" and "villa" might seem odd together, the simple furniture and the family portraits on the walls kept it humble. My mom never wanted to disrupt our cozy little home, standing firm against the grandiose villas nearby. My dad never interfered with the house's decor, leaving everything to my mom except for his corner with medals and awards.

I put on my abaya and a burgundy jersey scarf, checking myself in the mirror one last time. Covering up always made me feel a little like my mom. While my green eyes, inherited from my grandfather, were a contrast to her pitch-black ones, I cherished any small resemblance to her. Once Büşra was ready, we slipped on our shoes at the veranda and set off. After my family's death, I had taken a three-year break from school. I was taking final exams through exemption programs, with just one exam left. While the diploma itself didn't mean much to me, I wanted my parents to be proud of me wherever they were. I had dreamed of becoming a doctor. I say "dreamed" because I no longer intended to pursue it. I didn't want to cause harm or take away someone's loved ones. If only we hadn't left the house that day, they'd still be with me now, sharing this excitement. My dad would stroke my hair and plant a gentle kiss on my forehead. That painful day… Oh, that painful day. The agony of being utterly alone in this vast world. Trembling, I tried to shake off the heavy burden of those memories. My mind raced with a thousand chaotic thoughts. My breaths grew shallow and uneven, prompting me to press my hand to my chest.

A sudden pull on my arm and the sound of a blaring car horn snapped me out of my thoughts. The noise echoed in my ears, exploding in my mind like a volcano. No one and nothing could compensate for what had happened to me. The sound of the horn triggered my trauma, and I fell to the ground, covering my ears and crying uncontrollably. Büşra rushed to my side and embraced me.

"Shh, it's okay. I'm here," she whispered. Despite the storm of anger and sorrow inside me, I clung to her.

"BUT THEY'RE NOT HERE, DO YOU UNDERSTAND? THEY'RE GONE!" I screamed those words at the top of my lungs until my voice gave out, just before my eyes closed.

…

"I think she's waking up." The voice reached my ears as I opened my eyes reluctantly. I scanned the room—a silver rail holding white curtains and a distinct smell told me I was in a hospital.

"What happened to me?" My voice was so faint even I could barely hear it.

"Don't strain yourself, sweetie. You had a breakdown and fainted. We're at the hospital now, but thank goodness you're okay."

By now, fainting episodes had become normal to me. Whenever thoughts of my family surfaced or something triggered my trauma, I'd black out. A knock on the door interrupted us, and the doctor entered, glancing at the papers in his hand before checking my IV. Adjusting his glasses with his finger, he smiled softly.

"Our patient is finally awake. Everything looks fine. How are you feeling?"

How was I, really? Was I okay? I had forgotten what it felt like to be okay. I gave a perfunctory reply.

"I'm better, thank you."

The doctor adjusted his tone.

"You've overexerted yourself, Merve Hanım. You need to be more careful. You're very weak and should pay attention to your diet."

Before he could continue, Büşra interrupted, ignoring his advice.

"When can she be discharged?" Her question was for my sake. Knowing how much I hated hospitals, her urgency was understandable.

"Your IV is finished, and there are no complications. You can leave as long as the patient feels ready."

The doctor left, and the nurse removed my IV. With Büşra's help, I got up. A sudden thought made me turn to her.

"What time is it, Büşra?"

Glancing at her watch, she replied, "12:30."

Damn it. "Oh no! The exam!"

Sensing my panic, Büşra gently grabbed my arm, turning me toward her.

"Don't worry. I called Hasan Hoca and explained everything. He was understanding and said he'd reschedule the exam for tomorrow."

Relieved, I let out a deep breath. Another crisis averted.

…

When we got home, even though Büşra insisted, I didn't allow her to stay. Even though I wanted her to, it wouldn't have been possible; I was afraid her parents wouldn't allow it in a more difficult time. I thought if I went to sleep immediately, there wouldn't be any problems. As I climbed the stairs to my room, I slowly made my way up, my shoulders sagging under the weight of the emotional burden. I started to feel the sting on my lips from stressing and biting them, thinking that physical pain might help me forget the ache in my soul. When I opened the door and entered, I collapsed from exhaustion, having no strength left to reach my bed, which was just a few steps away. When I looked at the clock, it was three in the afternoon. Despite it being early, I wanted to sleep as soon as possible. Dragging my feet, I pulled myself into bed and pulled the silk duvet over my head. When I woke up, I felt well-rested, and when I glanced at the clock on the wall, it was ten. This wasn't good. How would I fall asleep again? The light was off, and the darkness was overwhelming. In this house, where I had to live alone, the darkness made me uneasy. Knowing I wouldn't be able to fall asleep again on my own, I took a sleeping pill from my drawer and swallowed it. As I got up to go to the bathroom, I heard some faint noises, and I shivered from head to toe. I hesitated about whether to leave my room or not, but staying in one place didn't seem wise, so I slowly headed for the door. I tried to step lightly on the wooden floor, making as little sound as possible. The noise seemed to be coming from the study. The chances of it being a burglar were high because I was sure I had heard footsteps. As I slowly opened the door, the creak made me pause, my hands trembling. The noises stopped. Damn it. They must have heard me. I stopped thinking and started running down the stairs. My chest heaving as I rushed down three or five steps at a time, I found it hard to breathe, but I knew I had to push myself to the limit. I had always struggled to run, but I knew I had to stay calm and push myself now. When the thought of asking Büşra's father for help crossed my mind, I headed that way, but when I saw the man coming toward me with a gun in hand, I turned and ran in the opposite direction. There wasn't a sound on the streets I passed, and my fear of being completely alone only intensified. I struggled to control my breathing, terrified that my feet might trip. I kept running without looking back, fearing that hearing the footsteps too close would make me slow down. The thought that I had taken a sleeping pill earlier made my fear even worse. I knew it would start affecting me in five to ten minutes, and running wouldn't be enough. I needed to hide somewhere. I came across a mosque and sought refuge there without thinking. When I entered, I saw only one person praying. From behind, he looked like a young man. I could ask him for help. I walked up to him and tried to stay calm despite my trembling knees. I didn't know what to do after everything that had happened. I wanted to distract myself by looking at the man who had risen from ruku and was now in sujood. It was clear that he was praying with devotion. As my sleeping pills slowly began to take effect, I could feel the weight of exhaustion settling on me. It wasn't long before my eyes closed on their own.