The Unbelievers

Chapter 22

Eunseong grabbed his bag and headed to the front door. Director Nam, who had been waiting for Eunseong, opened an umbrella. He walked over to Eunseong, held the umbrella high, and guided him from the entrance to where the car was parked, ensuring he didn’t get wet in the rain.

This kind of natural consideration had become so familiar that it felt like a right. Eunseong waited until Director Nam entered under the roof before taking a step. As Eunseong sat in the back seat of the car, he realized he hadn’t gotten wet at all, despite the downpour that warranted a heavy rain warning. Director Nam shook the rain-soaked umbrella vigorously before getting into the driver’s seat. He looked at Eunseong through the rearview mirror. Their eyes met in the mirror.

“What’s wrong?”

“You have milk on your face.”

“What? Milk?”

Eunseong quickly touched his lips and the area around them. There was milk foam on his philtrum. As he wiped it off, he remembered how Siwoon had been touching his own lips earlier while looking at him. He was the type of person who was too reticent to even mention when someone had something on their face.

“Hey, Director.”

“Yes.”

“Ahjussi. Uncle ahjussi.”

“Yes.”

“Doesn’t uncle ahjussi have a girlfriend?”

“We’ll be departing now. You have a test today, right?”

“Ahjussi, do you have a girlfriend or not?”

“We’ll finish earlier than usual today.”

“You’re 33 years old, not married, no girlfriend… Isn’t that too much work?”

“…”

Director Nam never talked about Siwoon. The only things he ever said about Siwoon were: he’ll be late today, he’ll be late tomorrow, he’s busy, he has a lot of work, if you have something to say I’ll pass it on. That was about it.

This time too, Director Nam acted as if he hadn’t heard Eunseong’s words and started the car without responding.

Eunseong gave up trying to talk to him and sank back into the soft rear seat.

Maybe it was because of the test day, or because it had been raining non-stop for days, but he definitely wasn’t feeling his best. The gloomy feeling intensified as he got into the car. Eunseong closed his eyes and seriously pondered why his handsome cousin uncle, at 33 years old, didn’t have a girlfriend.

Still, unlike before when he didn’t study at all, this time he had solved more problems on his own than just guessing. He was even trying to restart math, which he had completely given up on since middle school. He wanted to go to a university in Seoul, even if he couldn’t match Siwoon’s Cornell.

Eunseong returned home early due to the test and sat at his desk to start studying. He wanted to repay Siwoon’s kindness with improved grades. He felt he would have something to say to him if his grades improved even a little.

Although he started with the intention of working hard, the habit of sitting at a desk couldn’t develop overnight. Still, just as Eunseong thought he was studying quite persistently, he ended up twisting his body this way and that before suddenly standing up.

Somehow, he felt he might concentrate better if he changed locations. He packed up his books, pad, and workbooks and headed to Siwoon’s study. It seemed like the ideal place to focus on studying. He remembered it was surrounded by books, almost like a library, and there was a heavy desk that gave the impression that just sitting there would make you study automatically.

Eunseong sneaked into the study, spread his books on the large desk, and instead of studying, sat in front of the telescope he had been curious about all along. He fiddled with the telescope fixed on a tripod, but he couldn’t figure out how to use it. The telescope was larger than Eunseong’s upper body, making it difficult to move. When he moved the round, heavy thing attached to the side of the tripod, the telescope suddenly started to fall sideways. Startled, Eunseong quickly grabbed it.

“…Oh no, this is bad. What should I do? Ah, I shouldn’t have touched it.”

Afraid it would fall if he let go, he couldn’t release his hands, nor could he move. Just then, he heard the sound of the door, and Siwoon appeared. It was an early return, which happened maybe once a week. He usually came home after Eunseong had fallen asleep, so Eunseong naturally assumed he would be late today as well.

“…”

As if expecting someone to be inside, Siwoon discovered Eunseong awkwardly holding the telescope tube without saying a word.

Thinking he would be scolded this time for entering someone’s room without permission, Eunseong was surprised when Siwoon didn’t say anything. He just looked at Eunseong with questioning eyes, wondering what he was doing.

“…Aren’t you going to help me?”

“Do you need help?”

“Can’t you see? I’m in a situation where I desperately need help.”

“You can just let it go.”

“No, I can’t. It suddenly tilted, I’m telling you.”

“The center of gravity shifted. It won’t fall over, so you can just let go.”

“I told you, I can’t. It feels like it’s going to fall sideways.”

As if trying not to come closer, Siwoon just kept saying it was okay and to let go. When Director Nam was around, Siwoon didn’t keep his distance from Eunseong like this. His obsessive-compulsive behavior only applied to himself. Even in this dangerous moment, he wouldn’t come closer.

Eunseong couldn’t let go of the tube. He was anxious that if he released it, the telescope would fall sideways.

“Please help me.”

Eunseong urged him to help instead of just watching. Even he thought it was unconscionable. He had entered someone else’s room without permission, carelessly touched their belongings, and was about to break them. Still, Siwoon didn’t scold him. He didn’t say anything unpleasant or sigh as if finding the situation tiresome.

He approached and adjusted the counterweight on the tripod and the center of gravity of the tube. The telescope, which had been unstably sliding, became fixed as if by magic.

“Ah, saved. I thought it was broken.”

“…”

Even though Siwoon had fixed it, Eunseong slowly and carefully removed his hands.

“When I was young, I really wanted one of these and begged my dad to buy it for me… I just wanted to take a look at it.”

Although Siwoon wasn’t asking why he had entered his study without permission, Eunseong made excuses. Siwoon neither asked for reasons nor lectured him. He just looked at Eunseong silently for a moment before trying to leave.

“How do you use it? I tried to look, but I could only see blackness.”

Siwoon, who was loosening his tie as he was leaving the study, turned back to look at Eunseong. Eunseong was still sitting in front of the telescope with a face full of lingering desire.

Siwoon felt pity and regret for Eunseong, who had likely lived his life unable to properly express his desires, only internalizing them and eventually giving up and resigning himself. If it had been him, he would have spared no expense to give Eunseong whatever he wanted.

Siwoon felt a slight aversion towards Seo Jeong-gi, who had neither raised Eunseong properly nor taken care of him adequately, nor fulfilled his wishes. Even the fact that Eunseong still dreamed of things suitable for him made Siwoon uncomfortable.

“Want to come and see?”

Siwoon approached the telescope and gestured for Eunseong to come over. As Eunseong got up from the blanket and stepped back, Siwoon knelt on it with one knee, put his eye to the eyepiece, and adjusted the tube to be parallel.

“If you loosen this holder, the tube moves. This weight balances it. You can move it back and forth to level it, and then it won’t feel like it’s falling sideways like before.”

“Ah, I see. So leveling is important.”

He explained calmly. Eunseong’s eyes sparkled with interest in the situation.

“Lower the weight all the way down and stand the tube up like this. This… I had aligned the polar axis before.”

Siwoon continued speaking slowly while checking the polar scope on the mount. He meant that the polar alignment he had set up had been messed up when Eunseong touched it carelessly, but there was no irritation or anger in his voice.

Eunseong stared at him as he spoke softly, resetting the telescope from the beginning. His handsome profile was carefully tightening and loosening the screws of the telescope, aligning something. It was an experience Eunseong had never had in his life.

He wondered if this was how it would have felt if his father had treated him well. He was just now learning how heart-fluttering it could be when an adult treats you kindly as an adult.

“When the position changes, you need to realign it.”

“How do you do that?”

“This is called a polar scope. You need to align it with the celestial north pole for easier observation. Like constellations.”

“The North Star?”

“The celestial north pole isn’t the North Star, it’s a bit further from there.”

“How do you find it?”

“First, you find the Big Dipper.”

“Can I take a look?”

He took his eye off the lens. He moved aside and instructed Eunseong to put his eye to the polar scope.

As he did so, he stepped back. From about two steps away, he gestured for Eunseong to go ahead and look through the eyepiece.

Eunseong found it ridiculous that he was keeping his distance even in this situation, but for now, he did as told and put his eye to the lens, looking for the Big Dipper.

“It’s about 50 arc-minutes away from the direction of the last star of the Big Dipper. That’s the celestial north pole.”

“Oh… is this it?”

Eunseong claimed to have found it and waved his hand for Siwoon to come and take a look. Siwoon hesitated for a moment without approaching.

“…Could you step back?”

“What?”

“I need you to move so I can look.”

“I have moved.”

“A bit further back…”

He meant for Eunseong to step back far enough that they wouldn’t touch, where their scents or body heat couldn’t reach each other.