The 'Smart'phone Saga: A Distracted Journey of Spells and Signals

It could be said that among the busiest times of the year, largely containing those days which sane people stay at home during, places get packed. Filled to bursting like an Asian train, primed with people excited for the special day. Yet in places that are not designed to handle the number of customers they routinely get…well it gets bad on the weekends. A ten percent increase from 100% capacity is startingly similar to an 80% off electronics and jewelry for the next hour sale.

So it was that, on a rather normal Saturday morning, off-work men found their way to the guild for something to do. They came for cash or a simple hobby, like the men who go fishing on weekends. These weekend warriors crammed themselves into two thousand square feet of Guild and approximately twenty more feet out the door. And Jasson was late.

“Woah…” Jasson couldn’t bring himself to approach the entrance, especially since said entrance lay behind twenty feet of puttering flesh.

“Didn’t you promise that you’d find a quest?” Harriet said, “I can give you a boost. You can try to run on their shoulders.”

As if. Jasson thought. Is she mocking me?

Jasson eyed the grumpy, hungover, and bleary-eyed men. He doubted that he’d be able to keep his balance on top of the crowd, and knew for a fact that a friendly kick or two would be aimed his way if he tried. It’s one thing to squeeze through, it’s another to walk on people.

“I guess I’m just gonna have to wait in line,” Jasson said, “There’s bound to be an insane amount of quests for the day.”

“You’ll just get stuck with the leftovers,” Harriett said, “Picking flowers, killing rats. That sort of thing. I thought that you’d be above that, serving such powerful people as the Twins.”

“You’d be surprised,” Jasson said, “I could take up another extermination quest. It’s not like Punching John stopped working, but…”

It's not enough, Jasson thought.

“Better work your way in there,” Harriett said, “How do you usually do it?”

“I learned to launch myself right above the beer gut,” Jasson said, motioning like he was diving into a pool, “This gives me a lot of structure and an area to squeeze between. But last time it was maybe seven feet deep, not…this.”

“Oooh,” Harriett said, “I want to try that! Sounds a lot harder than my idea.”

“Absolutely not,” Jasson said, “You are under direct orders not to squeeze yourself in there by trying to swim between the chests of sweaty men.”

“Aww,” Harriett said, “Why? You did it.”

“For one, it’s not right.” Jasson eyed Harriet’s hitbox and then said, “And for two, I don’t think that you’d fit. Too big of a horizontal cross-section.”

“Hey,” Harriett produced a notebook and scribbled, “Don’t call me fat!”

Jasson gaped then said “I didn’t- well technically it is fat but the problem is mostly the bone- what are you writing down? What is that book?”

“A ledger of insults,” Harriet said, snapping the book shut, “I’m afraid that I’ll get them confused and think that I haven’t heard one before. Besides, it’s like a scorebook. I want to gather the breadth of insults. ‘Cross-section’ was a unique variation on ‘girth’ or ‘width’ and highly educated at that. And since this is the first time I have received a fat insult besides my siblings, I am excited to have a fresh version as the first entry of this type. Thank you.”

After a few seconds of his mouth failing to operate, Jasson said “Any time. I can tell you more if you want to-”

“NO!” Harriett said, slapping Jasson harmlessly, “There’s no point if they’re not directed at me. Rehearsed is the worst. Insults should not be said on a command from the recipient! Only give the insults to me when I really deserve them.”

“But I wasn’t trying to insult you,” Jasson said, “I was just stating why my method wouldn’t work for you.”

“Because I’m too fat, I know.” Harriett said, “Stop trying to gaslight me into not having my feelings hurt. I’m treasuring how I have to force myself not to cry.”

“Cry?!” Jasson said, “What-”

Ding-a-ling!

That’s the bell for the employee. Jasson thought as he turned to face the guild. The attendants must be coming out with the quests.

At the bell, there was a collective shift and mumble from the crowd and Jasson watched as the crowd backed out the door by a few feet. Jasson saw people press out against the windows in an ugly fashion, trying to make room without losing their place. The windows bowed and Jasson saw a few window panes crack and break. But as he was looking Jasson saw the windows repair themselves, healing from bottom to top. It reminded Jasson of how Petra fixed the plates Harriett had broken during the morning dishes. A crack that joined with no seam, some of the broken-off chunks even flying back into place.

“So this is what it looks like,” Harriett said, “I can’t believe it. I thought they were exaggerating.”

Jasson turned and couldn’t see Harriett, even after he spun a full 360, and said “Hey, where did you go?”

“Up here,” Harriett said, “I couldn’t get a good view from down there, silly.”

Jasson looked up and was shocked to see Harriett standing on top of him. He didn’t feel a thing!

“Okay, wow.” Jasson said. “That’s amazing. Now get off. It’s rude to step on people.”

“But not to call a woman fat?” Harriett hopped off and said, “See, you didn’t even feel me.”

“I just hope you didn’t step in any dog poop.” Jasson dusted off his shoulder, “This shirt is new. Ish. I just got it the other day.”

“Of course, I didn’t step in dog poop,” Harriett pulled out her notebook, “Now would you say that insult falls under incompetence assertion or vision impairment.”

“It falls under genuine concern,” Jasson said, “I’m not trying to be mean to you-”

Jasson saw Harriett’s eyes fall and backpedaled, saying “Yet. I’m not trying to be mean to you yet. Trust me. If I want to be mean to you…then I’ll give you so many burns your mother won’t recognize you.”

“OOH!” Harriett said, drawing a knife, “I’ll have to kill you first in that case, but thanks for the offer. Torture by fire is a rare and top-of-the-line method of cruelty that-”

“Not like that,” Jasson waved his hands, the threat wiggling down his spine like an ice cube as his stare fixed on the knife, “Where I’m from you ‘burn’ someone when you deal them a severe and clever insult. I was capping, exaggerating. Not a physical threat at all.”

“Okay!” Harriett said, the knife disappearing like it was never there, “That’s good. Shall we resume then? I believe that you were about to dive fruitlessly into the crowd to try and retrieve a quest.”

Jasson eyed the swamp of men, then shook his head and pulled his phone out, saying “I’m gonna wait before I try. Maybe some will give up and go home. How big of a stack did you see them carry out?”

Jasson opened his phone and saw that he had a Phasebook event set for today. Was it someone’s birthday back home? He’d send congratulations and then try- but he couldn’t do that. No messages back to home.

“Tall,” Harriet held her hand as far over her head as she could, “Definitely enough for you to get one after everyone is gone. Are you really gonna wait for the leftovers instead of trying for the prize?”

She’s right. Jasson thought. My word is worth at least one solid attempt.

“$%^&,” Jasson felt his gut shift as he closed his phone, “I can try.”

“Remember,” Harriett said, putting a hand up on Jasson’s shoulder, “They’re counting on us. You have until the attendants go back through the doors. That should give you five minutes or so.”

It took five minutes to get five feet last time. Jasson thought. I’m not gonna make it.

Jasson nodded and pocketed his phone, then said “Don’t do what I’m about to try. It’s-erm… It’s not a method worthy of you.”

“You can say that again,” Harriett said, “Now go get ‘em!”

Jasson nodded and approached the looser sprawled mass outside the door, then said “There’s not any kind of line here, right?”

“Nope,” An older guy said, “I’m just here to help around the community after these younger guys grab all the ambitious ones. There’s always a row of charity quests at the bottom where the kids can grab them. It’s at a nice height for-”

Jasson stopped listening and said “Thanks. Excuse me, I’d like to get deeper.”

Jasson pushed himself deeper into the mass, the temperature rocketing and sending sweat dripping down his armpits. At a certain point the people ahead of him were too tightly wedged, and Jasson took a breath.

Is my word worth it? Jasson thought. Do I really have to give this my best try when it’s clearly impossible for me? Did I join these guys because I had nothing to do or because my honor actually matters to me? Do I want this life?

“I have to try,” Jasson said, “At least once.”

Then he dove into the crowd.

The sticky warm engulfed Jasson, every movement a stiff elbowing of someone who was too stuck to hit Jasson back. Jasson pulled and pushed and used the accumulated sweat to help him slide deeper. His feet stopped dangling after the last person and Jasson felt the difference in the air as he entered the guild itself. He was doing it!

I knew I could do this much, Jasson thought, but I’ve got a long way to go.

Jasson started to feel trapped, unable to move more than the millimeters he needed to go forward. If something went wrong here on the edge there wouldn’t be that much issue getting out. But in there?

I still need to do my best job though. Jasson thought. One try. My best try.

With a heave, Jasson tried to pull himself forward and-

The space above him opened up and cool air swept his skin, then Jasson’s shirt pulled tight as something tried to lift him from the crowd. With a wet pop, Jasson slid out and up to eye level with Grog.

“Nice attempt boy,” Grog said, “But not today. I’m too busy to have you on my plate as well. They already finished putting the quests up. You’ll be crushed the moment the bell rings. Just go home. There’s nothing for you here today. Nothing you can d-”

Grog whipped his head around and said, “Who was that?”

Jasson looked around, not having felt anything, and saw a chandelier swing. Jasson himself swung in Grog’s grasp as the mountain turned to follow something past Jasson’s senses.

“Who are you?” Grog said, “Chandeliers use is for certified member use only.”

Jasson followed Grog’s gaze and saw Harriett with a mask over her face, red hair blowing dramatically in the wind. Grog snatched at her with startling speed, but in a blur of red, she dashed across Grog’s arm. Harriet leaped to Grog’s other hand and stood casually on Jasson’s head.

“Good place to stand,” Harriett said in a pretend deep voice, like a wife imitating her husband.

“How did you do that?” Grog said, moving cautiously, “I’ve enchanted my arms against that kind of stunt.”

“Well I’m standing here,” Harriett motioned to Jasson, “You haven’t done him. And I’m not revealing my secrets just be-”

Ding-a-ling.

The crowd below surged, the sound of broken glass tinkled, and Harriett disappeared in another red blur. A smear of motion, lacking details or cohesion, like a cartoon blushing because they didn’t have enough money to animate Harriett properly.

Grog tossed Jasson out the door as Grog roared for order and started pulling people out of the crowd, setting them on high shelves or the still swinging chandeliers. Jasson rolled as he landed, eyes closed and protecting his head. When he came to a stop Jasson sighed and lay flat.

At least I gave this my best. Jasson thought, looking at the clear blue sky.

“Did you need help?” The older gentleman from before offered Jasson his hand.

“Thanks,” Jasson said, taking the older man’s hand and standing. Jasson dusted himself off and was surprised at how little hurt he was. Not even a scrape.

“I’m surprised you’re so well off.” The old man said. “Grog must like you.”

“Yeah,” Jasson looked himself over, “Nothing hurts.”

“Why would it?” The older man said, “No, I was saying that you’re lucky. One more foot and you’d be in a pile of horse crap.”

Jasson stepped away from the now obvious and crusty pile of poop. There were some sticks in it as if the local kids had been decorating the crap.

“You’re right,” Jasson said, “I am lucky.”

Not lucky enough to get a quest. Jasson thought. I hope Harriett didn’t do anything stupid. Did she manage to grab a quest?

Jasson walked away from the guild, finding some shade in the alley made between the guild tavern and ‘Maverick: Your one-stop shop for adventure’.

A single hair pricked at the back of Jasson’s neck and he said “I know you’re here. Please don’t jump-scare me. I’m not up for that right now.”

Harriett stepped from the shadows grinning, holding up a flyer of pristine paper and a smug expression. Jasson felt a flicker of heat and his mind went blurry.

“You could have said that earlier,” Jasson said, “That you were just gonna stroll in and grab it. Communicate. $^%&, you don’t even have a drop of %&*^% sweat on you. Did you enjoy me struggling? I bet you did. Then you just swooped in and grabbed it once I was tossed to the road. Rubbing in how useless I am? Is that part of your complex, to prove that you’re better than me?!”

Jasson huffed, out of breath. He tried to look Harriett in the eyes as she reacted but couldn’t bring himself to do it. Jasson stormed out of the alley.

“Hey,” Harriett said, “Where are you going?”

“To the morning meet-up,” Jasson said, “I usually just report that I got nothing, but now that you’re here we can get an early start. Another quest before the day’s out. We might be home in time to go to sleep tonight!”

“What?” Harriett said, following Jasson, “Like, now? We’re gonna leave now?”

“Is there any reason to stay?” Jasson said, “I bet you that’s what Petra’s gonna say.”

“Oh,” Harriet skipped beside Jasson and did a twirl, saying “That’s awesome! I can’t believe that I didn’t have to wait for my first trial! It's a bit easy but more deadly than anything else-”

“What?” Jasson pulled Harriett to a stop, “Show me that quest!”

“Sure,” Harriett grinned and handed the flyer over, “It’s awesome.”

Jasson took the flyer and took a picture, then input the photo into TrainSlate. It loaded for a few seconds and spat out a text and robotic voice proclamation of doom.

“In the A`hk`aka Mountains, the town of Smill requests aid in fending off a Wyvern attack and exterminating the source. At least fifty have been sighted. Two gold per Wyvern killed, present cores as evidence. Food, supplies, and lodging will be provided for the extent of your stay.”

Jasson looked to the quest, then looked to the entrance to the adventurer’s guild which lay behind twenty feet of men. Then back to the quest.

“Oh %*&^ great pick,” Jasson said, “We can’t put this back now that you left with it. You grabbed this on purpose!”

“Of course I grabbed it on purpose,” Harriett said, “It’s the best of the ones marked with red stamps. The red stamps mean highly dangerous and unmanaged by the guild. There were only a dozen of these, so it didn’t take me long to find the best one. It’s either this or go fight a tribe of orcs laying siege to a small fishing village.”

“Tell me you didn’t grab that one as well,” Jasson said.

“I know the rules,” Harriett said, “Besides, this should be more than enough.”

“I’ll say,” Jasson said, “I don’t even know what wyverns are though. Let me look it up.”

****

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE’RE GONNA DO IT?!” Jasson screamed, “THESE ARE &%^*%$ *&$&^% WYVRENS!”

“I know,” Petra said, “They’re fine once you know how to deal with them and they don’t even breathe fire. Good job grabbing this Harriett. You even managed to not turn the flyer into a crumpled ball, unlike someone I know.”

“Thank you miss!” Harriett bubbled while doing a full military salute, “Glad I could be helpful.”

Jasson looked between the three girls, stunned and scared. According to the internet, Wyverns were one step down from a full dragon. And this quest said there were fifty of them? They must be different than the ones in pop fiction.

Clara stood and flagged down the waiter, then said “Let’s have a nice celebration dish then. They serve an excellent scoop here.”

“Hold on,” Petra turned, “That’s expensive-”

“No it’s not,” Clara said, “It’s one silver a person. That’s a single gold coin for all of us. Surely that’s worth spending to celebrate a quest well completed. And we’ll buy Harriett one because she landed us another fantastic quest.”

“The gold’s not really enough,” Petra said, “I’m mostly taking the quest for the free food, supplies, and lodging. The A`hk`aka Mountains are known to hold several Natural Crystal mines, and I wanted to find some good ones before we leave. So no, I’m not-”

“Oh shove off,” Clara said, “I’m paying from my portion. I got fifty goblins, that’s more than enough to cover a quick treat.”

“I really am okay being the person without,” Harriett said, “I haven’t done anything to deserve this!”

“I’ll be spending it anyway,” Clara said, “You too Petra. Pick what you want.”

Harriett’s eyes dimmed and she became listless again.

Jasson thought for a second then said “You better guard your bowl carefully. I’m in a sour mood so I might steal it unjustly from you.”

“Really?” Harriett perked up, then turned to the waiter and said “I want a triple scoop Monster with extra guts and glory on the side.”

The waiter nodded and turned to Jasson who said “Wait, what are we ordering?”

“Ice cream!” Clara said, “Wow, you know your stuff Harriett! That’s a bit pricy though, so take off the glory side. As for me…hmm… triple scoop chocolate please! With whipped topping!”

“A dark chocolate mint for me,” Petra said, “One scoop.”

“Oh boo,” Clara turned to Jasson, “What do you want Jasson?”

“Umm,” Jasson said, “Do you have vanilla?”

Everyone laughed and Jasson smiled, but he didn’t know why. What was the joke?

“That’s funny,” Petra said, “How do you even know about vanilla? It’s dang rare.”

“Um,” Jasson said, “Where I’m from we make it artificially. So it’s cheap.”

Petra froze and said “That’s absurd. We’ve been trying to mimic vanilla for decades. Where are you from?”

“Oh,” Jasson said, thinking quickly, “I’ll just have three scoops of something fruity. Will that be okay?”

“Of course, sir.”

The waiter bustled off and Jasson shifted beneath Petra’s glare, then said “Look, I don’t know how to get back home. Okay? But I can look up how it’s done on my crystal, although I doubt that you’d be able to reproduce the process. It doesn’t use any magic at all.”

“I will take you up on that,” Petra said, “And here is our order.”

The waiter put the orders down, and Harriett pointedly looked away from Jasson with a look of excitement on her face. Jasson looked to Petra who rolled her eyes and nodded.

“Give me that!” Jasson said, grabbing Harriett’s bowl, “I went through twice the danger as all of you, so I should get twice the reward. You’ll get your own when you actually do something besides walk on people’s heads to grab a piece of paper.”

“Oh no!” Harriett turned, “How dare you! I am going to the bathroom to cry!”

Harriett dashed off after her unconvincing performance.

Jasson shook his head and said “You guys want some? I’m planning on leaving her a bit, that way she can ‘cry’ over only half a scoop left for her. But I don't want the whole thing. Have you seen how much caramel is in here?”

“It looks tasty,” Clara said, “Give me one of the scoops. Do you want any Pet- of course not. You went for bitter chocolate.”

Petra hesitated, then said, “Give half with a bunch of caramel.”

The ice cream was delicious, Jasson getting some kind of green apple sherbert and Harriett’s ‘monster’ turning into a chocolate ice cream with peanut brittle. It was wonderfully whole cream, and Jasson savored the flavor.

Then his phone dinged.

Jasson checked it and saw a second notification from Phasebook. Jasson double-tapped and saw a message that sent his heart plummeting.

Event Reminder: June 29th, 2024, 11:00am. Funeral for Jasson Boar. Video call link Below.