The 'Smart'phone Saga: A Distracted Journey of Spells and Signals

Night, the second one since this quest had started, brought the dazzling lights of Stalt down to the Adventuring guild as the carriage pulled to a stop. Jasson didn’t notice due to already being asleep, but Clara managed to wake him up as she slung Jasson over her shoulder.

Once Clara stepped onto the street Jasson groggily said, “You can carry me for as long…as you want. I’m gonna go back to sleep.”

“Sure,” Clara said, “Although…I’m kinda…you know.,.”

Jasson snapped awake as Clara swayed and dropped him.

“Ow,” Jasson rolled over, “That hu- oof!”

Clara fell on top of Jasson, and not in the fun way.

“cl..c..br” Jasson gaped, struggling for air. He couldn’t breathe!

Jasson tapped frantically on Clara’s back and tried to push her off, but she was lying directly across his stomach. Searching wildly, Jasson saw Petra talking with Master Baldric and tried to flag them down, mouthing the words he could not shout.

Calm down, Jasson thought, You just had the air knocked out of you. Breathe.

Air rushed back into Jasson’s lungs and he bucked, pushing Clara off his diaphragm to breathe freely.

“Oh thank goodness,” Jasson sighed, “That was freaky.”

Jasson wriggled out from beneath Clara and stood, stretching. The world swam in a sea of sleep deprivation and Jasson felt like he would float away if he leaned at the right angle. Master Baldric had left at some point, and Jasson stumbled towards Petra. Then Jasson stopped and checked Clara. Just sleeping.

“What’s going on?” Jasson said, teetering up to Petra’s side. “Are we getting paid?”

“I already did,” Petra said, turning to Jasson, “They had the three leaders step out to receive payment. We’ll divvy it up when we get home and- what?”

“Your eyes,” Jasson said, “are you a vampire?”

“What?” Petra said, stepping back, “No. You’re super sleep-deprived if you’re this far off.”

“But your eyes are super red,” Jasson said, “Like a vampire’s.”

“Idiot,” Petra said, “It’s called having bloodshot eyes. A lot of people get bloodshot eyes when they’re really tired and talking to an idiot.”

Jasson considered this, then said “Right. I forgot about that. But that doesn’t make me an idiot though, just half asleep.”

“Well you must be whole asleep the half time,” Petra said, “Now on. We gotta home.”

“What?” Jasson said, trying to process what Petra had said with the equivalent of a Windows Vista computer.

Petra didn’t respond and walked over to Clara who was snoring loudly. Off to one side Calista and a healthy Evan waved goodbye. Petra squatted down to shake Clara’s shoulder.

“Come on,” Petra said, pinching her sister’s cheek, “We gotta home lil’ sis.”

“Nooo,” Clara said, “Let’s get a hotel and order dinner. We don’t even have much food at home.”

“It’s too expensive…” Petra said. “Let’s go shopping tomorrow. We got enough home.”

“Come on,” Jasson said, “How much could it be?”

“Depends,” Petra said, “You wanna be safe or broke?”

“What?” Jasson said and then fell quiet for a few seconds as the next thought loaded.

“I’m going back,” Petra said, “Coming Clara? Or staying on the street with Jasson?”

“I never said-”

Clara sighed and stood up while saying, “I’m coming. And Jasson’s coming too. Petra’s right. We can’t afford a room.”

“I never said that I was gonna stay,” Jasson said, “Now let’s get home before we sleep on out street- on our feet I mean.”

The journey back to their half-tent not-ruins home was not so far as to require a travel montage, but it was outside of the city. And any protagonist traveling through the wilderness has a 0.3 percent chance of an [accosted by bandits] encounter. This goes up to an 80% chance when the protagonist is exceptionally tired.

“Look,” Jasson mumbled as he stumbled into Clara for the tenth time, “You don’t have to be so…angry. They wou-wou-”

“They’re robbers,” Petra said, pulling Jasson off of Clara, “They threatened us. I’m too tired to think clever.”

“Look,” Jasson stumbled into Petra for the seventh time, “they didn’t know they were up against a couple of sixers- sixty eight- no. Eighty-sixers like you two. I do- I don’t think some of them will ever walk again. Or have kids. Or breathe.”

“I didn’t ki-” Petra started to say but Clara stumbled into the both of them and nearly knocked them all off their feet. Yet, as drunks frequently do, they managed to find two balancing legs between the three of them and press on.

“A fitting punishment for those who defile the world such.” Clara said with more of a giddy weariness, “They chose their path, and it was to assault three women staggering drunkenly into the night.”

“Oi,” Jasson said, “I’m not a- not a- whadjasay? Right. I’m not a woman. I’m a man of woe.”

“The only woah you know,” Petra said, “Is the girls telling you to stop. You horse.”

“Hey,” Jasson said, “that’s not nice. I think. Is horse an insult?”

“I don’t know,” Clara said, “But I think this is our turn.”

They trampled a path through the burs and climbed halfway up the mountain before Petra said, “I hope this is the right mountain.”

****

It disturbed Jasson that, although he had not drunk any alcohol the previous night, he still woke up with a hangover. So it was that (with eyes that could only be considered clear by the measure of a drunken grandmother) Jasson sat up and made his way outside. Nature called, and the summer night did not forbid him to leave. The sun itself was only putting in partial effort this morning, and after a long release on an unlucky tree, Jasson went back to bed.

This was as much a choice for Jasson as it was a law, pulling him like gravity to his rest. Jasson walked in and squinted in the dark, trying to make out the location of his mattress. It sat on the other side of the room from the girls, separated by a distinctly magical line of sand on the flagstone floor. Jasson didn’t want to know what would happen if he crossed that line.

Jasson looked at the sleeping girls and thought, That’s strange. Why would two girls need three beds?

Jasson shrugged and found his way back between his blankets. He drifted and even fell asleep at points, but something kept him from relaxing fully. The room didn’t feel right. Jasson’s gut said that the world was off, so he sat up and looked over blearily.

The stove isn’t on. No spiders that I can see. Everyone is here. Petra, Clara, me. Jasson thought, then looked at the three mattresses on the girls' side. One, two, three. One, two, three. Yup. Three mattresses, blankets, and people. That checks out.

Jasson stopped resisting the pull and laid back down, closed his eyes, and counted again from memory. With him there were three people. He had looked over and seen three people. What could be wrong?

One, two, three. Petra, Clara…

Finally, the rusted gearbox that was his mind got a good dose of WD-40 and a thump to the side. Both the gears and his mouth squealed as Jasson shot up in alarm. Four. There were four!

“Who are you!?” Jasson shouted in a morning gravel voice, “How did you get here?”

Both Petra and Clara sprung up, battle reflexes practically levitating their tired bones out of bed as they scanned the room for threats. Petra locked eyes with Jasson.

“You better not have had a nightmare,” Petra said, “is there actually an intruder? My spells should have gone off if there was.”

“Uhh,” Jasson pointed towards the extra mattress, sheet, and huddled form.

Petra looked for a few seconds, counting with her eyes, then said “All right. Fair. I’m…yeah.”

With a twitch of Petra’s hand the blanket was blown away, revealing the sleeping form of a girl. She was maybe five feet tall on a good day, with chubby cheeks and short red hair. She was clutching an insanely tiny purse to her chest, about the size of one hand. She shivered and reached sleepily for the blanket. Not finding it, she looked up with bleary eyes and saw the three of them standing over her with weapons drawn.

“Good morning,” the girl smiled like a half-asleep puppy,, “I suppose it’s bad manners if I don’t introduce myself.”

She yawned and said, “What a bother.”

“No,” Jasson said, “That’s the bare minimum.”

“Is it?” the girl looked around like a drowsy kitten smelling an elusive treat, “Where’d my blanket go? Are you sure that I need to introduce myself right now? I just woke up.”

“So did we,” Petra said, growling, “Now who are you.”

“Just a woman who needed somewhere to stay,” the woman said, “I’m not gonna hurt anyone. Just five more minutes.”

The woman felt around, sleep-glazed eyes failing to catch that her blanket was plastered against an opposing wall. Instead, she reached over and took Clara’s blanket, rolling over and sighing. A puppy in a blanket.

“All right,” Clara said, “Sleep well. Let’s get breakfast ready then, shall we?”

Jasson and Petra looked at each other, then Jasson shrugged and said “I think she’s harmless. She could have killed us if she wanted. Or me at least.”

“I’m too tired for this.” Petra groaned, then walked over and kicked the woman’s bed, “If you’re not awake by the time we’re done making breakfast then I’m gonna feed you your food in reverse. Gotcha?”

The woman mumbled something and Jasson thought he heard her say something like “Perfect. Threaten me more. Disregard m…”

Well okay then, Jasson thought, this should prove…interesting.

Jasson set the table as Clara helped Petra prepare a breakfast of toast and bacon. Occasionally glancing over, Jasson saw a wild juggle of ingredients and a frying pan which occasionally caught on fire. At one point Jasson saw Petra take a knife and cut the cured bacon slab into a dozen pieces with one slice. So it was that, as jasson placed the last silverware on the table, Petra flipped the food cleanly onto the four plates.

Dang Jasson thought, I really don’t think that cooking is supposed to be this fast.

“We don’t quite have enough for four,” Clara said happily, “But we’ll make do for our guest. Jasson, could you wake her?”

Jasson looked at the mountain of food on each plate and had to agree. This was substantially less than what they had been feeding him for the past few days. Only four eggs each. What a hardship.

Jasson was tempted to kick their guest’s bed like Petra did, but ended up crouching beside her and gently shaking her shoulder.

“Hey,” Jasson said, “Time to eat. I know Petra wasn’t serious about that threat, but she really will do something to you if you don’t get up now.”

The girl grumbled and pulled her blanket down, sticking one leg out and rolling over. Jasson sighed, knowing full well that she was trying to show progress without actually getting out of bed. He did it all the time.

“Hey,” Petra called from the sink, hands full of frying pans, “Are you a child or an adult? You can’t be under fifteen with that figure, but you can’t be over ten with that attitude. You’re an uninvited guest in our home and we’re sharing our limited supply of food with you. Get your lazy #^$% up before I tan your hide like the child you are.”

The girl shot up and slapped Jasson, saying “I’m not a child!”

The slap lacked any kind of real force, a kitten showing her claws, but Jasson fell back in shock. The girl- or rather the woman was wide awake now, bristling at Jasson.

“I didn’t call you one,” Jasson said, pointing to Petra, who was smirking, “sh-”

“Yes you did!” the woman said, “I heard you! You heard him too, right Petra?”

Petra raised her eyebrows and said, “Yeah. Sure did. That was very rude and weirdly eloquent of you Jasson.”

“What?” Jasson looked between the two, “How is this my fault?”

“Thank you for getting up,” Clara said, “Although I must say. Slapping Jasson for calling you childish is a childish thing to do. You should really apologize to him for that before having breakfast with us.”

The woman said “But-”

“Miss,” Clara said, “I don’t even know your name. But Jasson has been living here for almost a week, and just a couple nights ago we fought together and cemented our friendship. I don’t care if he’s insulted your mother, you assaulted my friend. Please apologize or leave here immediately.”

The woman’s face fell like a scolded dog before an enormous smile filled her face as she said “AWESOME!”

“What?” Clara said.

“Thank you,” the woman turned to Jasson and gave a curtsy, saying “I’m sorry for slapping you Jasson. Although your words were hurtful and uncalled for, I overreacted in a moment of passion.”

“It’s okay,” Jasson said reflexively, “Although I didn’t say- What’s with THAT expression?!”

Rather than relief, the woman’s face expressed deep disappointment in Jasson’s response. She huffed and sighed, then turned to Clara.

“I don’t see any chairs,” the woman said, “will we be standing to eat then?”

“Yeah,” Clara said, “We haven’t been able to get any yet. Sorry.”

The twinkle reentered the woman’s eyes and she said “That’s fantastic!”

“Okay,” Petra said, “well you should enjoy the food miss sleeping-in. I might not have a bunch of spices right now, but I’m a good enough cook that that shouldn’t- what’s with that expression?!”

The woman’s eyes had turned listless as she traced the grains of the table as she said “It looks really tasty. You did an amazing job with what you have. I really love bacon for breakfast. Wooow. There is truly not a single thing wrong with it.”

****

Oddly enough, Harriett seemed to be telling the truth about how much she loved breakfast. After the first bite, the woman perked up considerably, then finished off her food rapidly.

“Amazing!” the woman said, mewling over her food, “It tastes as good as I thought it would, yet it’s more satisfying because I haven’t eaten since luncheon yesterday. So this is what going almost a whole day without food is like!”

“That’s quite the contradictory statement,” Petra said, “You come from a wealthy family then? Did something happen to them?”

“If you think that only a twenty-four-hour fast meal is good,” Clara said, “You should try over three days. The very smell of the food is more delicious than any other meal in your life. Except for the times you go longer.”

“Really?!” the woman’s eyes sparkled, “Tell me more! How did you end up like that?!”

“I think that it’s time for introductions,” Petra interrupted, “You obviously know our names, which leaves us at a disadvantage. What is your name?”

“Oh,” The woman chewed and swallowed her food, then reached for a non-existent napkin. She hesitated, then grinned and wiped her mouth with the back of her sleeve.

“My name is Harriett,” Harriett said, “I followed you home last night, which was fairly rude on my part. But you three looked so tired, I didn’t want to force you through introductions and convincing you to let me sleep over. Better to ask for forgiveness than permission, right?”

“Pretty sure that that’s good way to die,” Jasson said, “Why did you need to sleep over?”

“It is?” Harriett said, “Fantastic. I will add this to my list, although I believe that there are more details needed to die in this way. As to why I needed to sleep over, you looked friendly enough and weren’t sleeping in the city. I’m not fond of cities. Too convenient.”

“How did you get up the mountain though?” Petra said, “I have earth magic traps all over the place.”

Harriett hesitated and said “I tailed you guys pretty closely, so I guess I never noticed them. What would have happened if I had stepped in one?”

“They’re not lethal these days,” Petra said, “but you would have probably lost a leg in the worst ones. I guess we were tired en- why are you smiling at that?”

“Nothing,” Harriett said, “Umm…how good are you at magic? Specifically for these traps?”

“Umm,” Petra said, “I don’t really know. Traps aren’t my forte, but they’re pretty easy. About a twelve out of twenty max? You must have been tailing us pretty precisely to slip through the deactivation times from our presence.”

“Sweet,” Harriett bounced on her feet, “That’s really cool. So it’s considered hard then?”

Petra shrugged and said “Not the worst, but I’ve been laying them for three weeks now. There’s quite a few out there, so if you get past one then you’ll probably hit a different one. I usually set a few up with my evening stroll. That’s why it’s a five rather than a three.”

“Perfect,” Harriet said, “That makes me really happy.”

“What?” Jasson said, trying to tease her, “That you almost got maimed?”

“Yes,” Harriett said with a dreamy look in her eyes, “Mmm…blood loss.”

The others at the table, in that instant, all decided to have an extremely short bout of amnesia.

“So…” Jasson said, “You’re…short? Sorry, petite.”

Harriett rounded on him and Petra rolled her eyes, but then Clara said “YES! Isn’t she just the cutest?! So short and round, thanks for breaking that ice Jasson.”

Clara bounded around the table, wiping her hands off on her clothes before clasping her hands around Harriett’s face. Turning her head this way and that, Clara giggled over Harriet.

Peta hesitated then stepped toward Clara and said “Sis, we don-”

“These are just the most perfect chubby cheeks,” Clara turned to Jasson, “Don’t you think so?”

“Yeah,” Jasson said, backing away, “Sure. Very…round.”

“Right?!” Clara said, ignoring Harriett’s protesting flails, “And her skin’s so smooth! Her endowment is perfectly cute with her short height, like a little teapot! Or maybe a stubby hourglass. What are you, five feet tall?”

“Five foot and one-half inch,” Harriett said, stretching taller, “Now unhand me before I skewer your eyes above an open flame.”

“Aww!” Clara lifted Harriett bodily and swung her around, “Perfectly feisty to go with her red hair! I just love her. I always wanted a little sister.”

Jasson stepped further back as Clara twirled around the room with Harriett dangling like kitten from its mother’s mouth. Every so often Petra would try to interrupt, but Clara would spin away giggling about having such an adorable sister.

Why is she hesitating so much? Jasson thought. This isn’t like Petra. She should be raging mad or something.

“I’m not a child!” Harriett protested, “I’m the eldest of- I’m seventeen!”

“No!” Clara set Harriett down and put her hands on Harriett’s shoulders. “What month?”

“April,” Harriett said, dusting herself off like an indignant kitten, “The seventh.”

“We were born in March,” Clara bounced, “You are the little sister!”

“What?” Harriett pulled away, “No, it’s only a month.”

“Less than a month,” Petra smirked, “But you see, Clara is my little sister. And we’re separated by five minutes. So your little three weeks still makes you our younger sister.”

Wait, sister? Jasson thought. Clara I get, but how did Petra make it to this point? Is there some sort of enchantment? If so, then I should have been the first to be bewitched.

Harriett rounded on Jasson and said “How about you. What month were you born?”

“Woah woah woah,” Jasson said, “How did we get to this point? Petra, are you really okay with her being here?”

Petra sighed and said “Oh I don’t trust her yet, but Clara has made it clear that she likes Harriett. And Clara consists of half the vote. Besides, how am I supposed to find out Harriet’s secrets if I kick her out?”

“Ooh!” Harriett grinned, “That makes sense. Now, Jasson. What month were you born?

“Hold on!” Jasson said, “Clara is half of the vote? Really? I don’t get any say about this?”

“No,” Petra said, “Not until you have something worth saying. This isn’t a democracy. Clara made her decision. Although, I will be relying on you to help keep an eye on Harriett for today. And don’t mistake me, this is a temporary arrangement.”

Jasson glared and felt his (metaphorical) hackles rise, but Petra’s returning iron gaze wilted his opposition. And, when all was said and done, Jasson kinda liked Harriett. She was enthusiastic and cute, like a tiny angry Clara, and anyone not Petra would be a relief in day to day life.

“Fine,” Jasson said, turning to Harriett and deciding to smile, “Welcome for now I guess.”

“Perfect,” Harriett said, “what month were you born? I bet I’m older than you.”

“You said that you just had your seventeenth birthday earlier this year?” Jasson said, holding back a grin, “I have my birthday coming up in a couple months. September first.”

“See!” Harriett grinned like a cat, “He’s the younger sibling, not me.”

“Eh?” Clara turned to Jasson, evil in her eye, “Are you now? September? That’s soo young.”

“It is,” Petra smiled, joining in, “a whole half a year. You’re a w’ittle ba-”

“I’m turning eighteen this fall,” Jasson said, breaking into a wide grin, “so shut it. I’m older than all of you.”

“EEH?!” The three girls echoed.

“Next month?” Harriett said.

“You’re a year older than us?!” Clara said.

“You little prick,” Petra said, “Why didn’t you say so earlier?!”

Jasson smirked, saying “I thought I’d let you w’ittle babies keep dreaming.”