The 'Smart'phone Saga: A Distracted Journey of Spells and Signals

Dripping with sweat that had nowhere to go, Jasson crawled through hell. Pressed on all sides by heat and rough cloth, Jasson swam through human flesh. The sweat around him had formed a kind of lubricant, and he occasionally dipped down to breathe in the air below. But he couldn’t stop. This was his last chance.

Jasson’s fingers touched the spongy surface of the Quest Board, and Jasson frantically scrambled around. Heart sinking, Jasson realized that he couldn’t feel any papers. Of course, they had already-

The edge of a paper was squished behind a muscular body to his left, and Jasson seized on the edge. Screaming, Jasson pulled and he could hear the paper tear off the pin. Praying that it wasn’t another useless quest, Jasson rolled it into his fist and cried victoriously.

“MINE!” Jasson shouted with what little breath he had left. Now all he had to do was wait for the press of people to release and he’d-

Someone gripped Jasson’s hand and started prying his fingers apart. Jasson tried to scream, but a hand snaked around and covered his mouth. It was salty but Jasson held himself back from biting down.

“Just give it to me,” the man hissed, “I missed it earlier, but a little @$#%# like you can’t just sneak in here and take it! It should be mine!”

Then something grabbed the back of Jasson’s shirt, and he was hauled out like a toy that had been stuck between the couch cushions.

Grog’s massive face grinned at Jasson and Grog said “Well done kid! Now that’s commitment! Haha! Go read your prize for a bit.”

Grog set Jasson down on the floor, and Jasson stood and said “Thank you Grog.”

“Don’t mention it,” Grog said, “Now then-”

Like lightning, Grog caught the back of the shirt of the man who had been fleeing. Pinching Jasson’s assualter between two fingers, Grog held the man up.

“Jeffery, Jeffery, Jeffery,” Grog tsked, “I cannot believe that you would try again the very next day. It’s Thursday for crying out loud. I’m afraid that something this blatant deserves… punishment.”

Jeffery paled and said “N-no! I got in front! I was there first! The kid came in and stole it before I could grab it.”

“That’s not how it works Jeffery,” Grog grinned, “And I believe that I made you a promise yesterday. Everyone who wants to, follow me.”

Jasson and about half the crowd followed Grog outside. The giant towered, as tall as some of the buildings around them.

“Listen to me,” Grog said, “As of today, I am offering three options. First, we expunge you from the Adventurer’s Guild. That’s it. Second, I literally kick you so hard that you fly out of the city and land among the trees. You’re allowed to come back in after that, but you won’t sit down for around a month. Third, I get to test out my invention.”

Grog reached to the side and opened a hole in space, then pulled a basket from his Locker. It was like an Easter Basket with a long handle over twice the height of the actual basket, except colored brown rather than a rainbow of pastels. It looked proportionately normal with Grog holding it, but when it was set beside Jeffery the true scale was revealed.

“Now,” Grog said, “I just finished this last night. It’s a magical single-use basket made to handle the extreme heat of atmospheric compression. I wanted to test it out today, but they said that I couldn’t use criminals until my permit processes. Do you remember my threat yesterday? That I would throw you to Mance?”

“Uhh,” Jeffery’s eyes were fixed on the basket like it was waiting below a guillotine, “Yes sir.”

“Fantastic,” Grog stood, “In summary, Option One is to leave here and never come back. Option two is to suffer great bodily injury and be kicked into the nearby forest. Option three, and I really hope you take this one, is to become a test subject. This basket should ensure your safe landing, although it has not been tested. I’ll even give you the coin and paperwork to make it back here. What do you say?”

Jeffery gulped and said “I-ah-umm-”

“Tell you what,” Grog said, “Since you’d be the first to use it, I’ll reward you for returning alive. Let me see that quest Jasson.”

Jasson reflexively handed the quest over and Grog glanced at it, then grinned.

“Pricey,” Grog said, handing the quest back, “Ah well. It’s for progress. As the first conTESTant, You will earn one hundred gold coins when you return here.”

“One hun- yeah! Of course!” Jeffery said, “I’ll do it!”

“Perfect,” Grog reached into a pouch and pulled out a bag, “Fill this out when you land. In you go!”

Jeffery took the bag and stepped in the basket, and Grog said, “Alright. Everyone back up.”

The crowd cleared back and Grog cracked his knuckles. Then Grog muttered something and his body began to glow. The basket started to glow as well, and a hum filled the air. Suddenly Grog seized the top of the basket and whipped it over his head like a sling. Round and round Jeffery’s screams whizzed as Grog took a few aiming steps down the street. Then with a heave-

VOOBOOM!

Everyone ducked as the glass in the area rattled or shattered, and then the screaming Jeffery was gone.

“Swamp it,” Grog sighed, “I’m not sure I put enough into that. I didn’t want to throw him too far inland, but he might land in the channel. I hope he can swim.”

Grog went inside and most of the crowd followed him, but Jasson stayed and looked at his quest. Then looked at the door leading back into the Guild.

Jane’s words echoed from yesterday, saying “The enchantment diminishes the moment it leaves the building”

“Ah shoot,” Jasson sighed and turned around, “Not again. I hope this is worth it.”

Jasson tried to flatten the paper out as best he could, then scanned it with TrainSlate. The app rattled off details as Jasson walked north, going to the meetup. The walk eventually turned into a skip as Jasson realized what he’d grabbed.

It was a quest to exterminate a nest of goblins, with one Electrum piece per head. Since each gold coin was worth two electrum, Jasson guessed that Electrum was worth about ten bucks. Jasson was calculating how many goblins he’d have to kill when he was inturupted by the completion pay being translated, and he skidded to a halt in front of an alley.

“A hundred gold?!” Jasson barely kept himself from screaming, “Wow. Okay. So that’s what Grog was talking about.”

“Hey,” a gruff voice said in an alley to Jasson’s right, “It’s you, isn’t it? The one with the strange crystal.”

Jasson turned, clutching his quest close as he opened Punching John on his phone. Facing Jasson was a tall, scarred man with a cruel twist in his lip and his hands conspicuously placed in his pockets.

“Yeah,” Jasson said, “Is there something I can do for you.”

The man looked around and then nodded his head toward the alley. Jasson looked past him, expecting more goons waiting to beat him up. Instead, there was no one, and Jasson turned back to the man. He must have understood what Jasson was thinking.

“Nothin’ bad,” The man said, evil eye glinting with honesty, “Just gonna make you a deal that I don’t want on the main street.”

“All right,” Jasson said, “But just so you know I have friends waiting.”

“As do I,” The man laughed, then said “But not down this alley. I ain’t no opps*, just a man looking for your services.”

Should I follow? Jasson thought. I’d be starting a fight if I tried to run now. Best see where this is going.

Jasson shrugged and followed him in. They had hardly made it five feet into the alley when the man turned, pulling what he had out of his pockets. Jasson felt his heart leap in shock until he saw that the man was holding a…peach? And a crystal.

“You must understand,” the man said, “I can only offer you a pittance right now. I spent so much to find out what was necessary and even more to find you. Please, will you do it?”

What the heck? Jasson thought. He wants me to Skydrop something?

“Ah…” Jasson said, “Yes. What would you like?”

“Anything,” the man’s eyes became oddly keen, almost desperate, “I’m dyin’ but Mace ain’t givin’ to rivals more than once. Especially since some gang beat him blue the other day.”

“All right,” Jasson said, “so…what kind did you want?”

“There’s more than one?” The man looked overwhelmed, then shook his head and said “Just the cats. I don’t want to get in over my head, but I’ll let the boss know you have more. He didn’t believe that I could do it. You will transfer it, right?”

Cats? Jasson thought. He wants…no…really?

“Skydrop, but yeah. I’ll do it.” Jasson said, “You- erm, You have proved yourself after all. Let me begin.”

Jasson carefully took a bite out of the peach to match it with the logo for his phone, then placed it on the man’s eager outstretched crystal. Jasson selected a video, one of the recent ones he’d downloaded when he had five bars in the guild, and Skydropped it.

“There,” Jasson said, “It should only take a minute. This one is shorter but funnier in my opinion. Don’t- er- don’t take it all at once.”

“Oh thank you,” the man said, watching the bar fill, “My girl doesn’t believe me neither. Says its a trick from the opps*. I say that no rizz* can cap* that #$$%, ya know?”

*(Examples of localized multiversal translation.)

Jasson nodded, on edge. The man was chomping at the bit so Jasson hoped that this was what the guy wanted. But…really? Cat videos? Plus he said that he’d pay…

Maybe Jasson could rent a sword. That would be nice since MADaptation spells took a bunch of charge, and Jasson had just gotten his phone’s battery past forty-five percent.

Doo-doo-doo-doo

“There,” Jasson said, “Done transferring- I mean Skydropping.”

“Thanks,” the man said, then shoved a bag into Jasson’s hands, “I gotta go show my guys. I hope that that’s enough. Bye!”

And just like that he was gone, six feet of menace and muscle practically skipping down the road. Jasson was about to open the coin pouch and investigate when Petra’s lecture ricocheted through his mind.

Don’t count money in public. You won’t just be an idiot, you’ll be an idiot with something to lose.

Jasson winced and tucked it away in his other pocket. He could really use a Locker, but Petra said that they’re pricey. Maybe once he made it to Lead Rank in the Guild.

Jasson made his way across the city, charging his phone as he walked. He never got good signal when he was walking alone, so Jasson had powered off his phone to charge it faster. By the time he arrived at the restaurant where he was to meet Clara and Petra, he’d managed to get it to fifty percent. Nice.

“Hey,” Clara’s voice called almost as soon as Jasson sat down, “Jasson. Did you find one?”

“Yeah!” Jasson said, standing, “Second day and I managed to get a good quest.”

“The third time they brought it out though,” Clara grinned, walking up, “Come on. Petra’s gonna meet us back at our house.”

Groaning, Jasson said “Of course. I was looking forward to waiting for her here.”

They started walking, and once they left the city the now familiar blurring of distance brought them close to the twin peaks. Jasson pushed through the weedy road, several burs catching on the most annoying parts of his clothing. All this to arrive home just as Petra was descending from the sky.

Woah, Jasson thought, so people can fly. That’s so cool.

“I’m headed in!” Clara passed Jasson, “Jasson has something to show you Petra.”

“That’s so not fair,” Jasson said as Clara went into the house, “I want to fly.”

“You can’t even try without a better Crystal,” Petra said, touching down gently, “And you’ll only be jumping with anything short of a thousand gold.”

“That’s so cap,” Jasson said, rolling his eyes, “But I have good news.”

Jasson held out the crumpled flier and Petra smoothed it out, saying “Is there no way for you to actually take care of one of these?”

“Just read it,” Jasson rolled his eyes, “It’s good, right?”

Petra sighed then glanced over it, saying “One hundred gold …goblin nest clearing, pending on an investigation tomorrow afternoon. That’s not the best, but they’ll probably only stiff us ten gold on that. They’re offering Electrum coins per head though, rather than just the extermination… Someone rich wants it done quickly and thoroughly, in less than twenty four hours and it doesn’t even give us a location.”

“It doesn’t?” Jasson said, scrolling on his phone, “Where are we supposed to go?”

“It says that the goblins are near a certain road,” Petra said, “I’d bet there’s some kind of royal hunt going on. They got reports from the preppers, probably of a lot more than this goblin nest if their extermination teams can’t do it. It’s possible that we’re gonna come across other monsters and…well this could get complicated.”

After a minute Petra reached into her Locker and pulled out something that she tossed at Jasson as she said “Catch.”

“Ow,” Jasson flinched away as it slammed into his side, falling to the ground, “A little more warning! That actually hurt. ”

“Not sorry,” Petra said, “I bought that for you today, so you better take care of it.”

“Oh,” Jasson said, unsheathing two feet of simple steel, “You got me a sword!”

Clothes yesterday and a sword today. Jasson thought. My, she does spoil me.

“What?” Petra said, “That’s a knife.”

“Ah,” Jasson looked at the blade, “No. This is a sword. Short, but definitely a sword. It’s even sharp on both sides.”

“That’s not a sword” Clara called and Jasson turned to see Clara reaching into her Locker. “This is a sword!”

From the tear in space Clara pulled a blade that glittered in the golden hour sun. With a fanciful whip above her head, Clara planted the sword at her feet. Clara’s entire body disappeared behind the width of the blade, save for her billowing skirts and shoulders. Jasson looked from his blade to Clara’s and nodded.

“Yup,” Jasson said, “A knife. Just the right size for me too.”

Clara nodded and grabbed the handle of her blade, yanking it out then stowing it away in her personal pocket of space.

“We ready to go?” Clara said, “Do you need to grab anything Jasson?”

“What?” Jasson said, “Go where?”

Petra rolled her eyes and sighed, then said “You’re such an idiot. We’re going to go hunt goblins. That’s the quest you grabbed, remember?”

“Oh,” Jasson said, “Now? I thought we’d leave tomorrow.”

“It’s due tomorrow,” Petra said, “but it will take us about four hours to walk there. Then several more to find the nest in such a large area. The actual clearing shouldn’t take that long, but it’s already late in the day. We’re running out of time.”

“But…dinner?” Jasson said, stomach growling, “We should eat something before we go.”

“We’ll have the jerky and crackers stored in our Lockers,” Petra said, “Lets get going.”

“Can’t we heat something up?” Jasson said, “Something quick?”

“What?” Petra said, “there’s nothing but raw meats in the icebox. Which reminds me, I better freeze them solid before we go. How’s your night vision by the way? Can you see in low light?”

“Maybe?” Jasson said, “I’m normal when it comes to low light. But… sleep? Will we take turns on watch or-”

“Only if we find the nest early,” Petra said, grinning at Jasson’s discomfort, “But I’m afraid it’s going to be an all-nighter. Ready?”

“I am,” Clara stepped up cheerfully, “I just had to grab my pillow. How about you Jasson?”

“Nope,” Jasson said, “Not at all.”

“Perfect,” Petra said, “That makes this more fun. For me anyways. Try not to die.”

****

Sleep depravation makes people jumpy as shadows and trees mix beneath a bright moon. The forest was dense, with a penchant for leafless branches that scratched at the corners of sanity. As Jasson collapsed backwards, he discovered that being jumpy was a good thing. Even though Jasson had stabbed quite a few trees in the past hour, his knife-sword was still sharp enough to kill the goblin sneaking up on him.

The goblin was short, maybe three feet high, and Jasson could only make out a mottled green skin and wide pointed ears. A bone knife dropped from the monster’s fingers as it glared hatefully into Jasson’s eyes. It chittered, what reflection of humanity it possessed shining only hate from it’s dying eyes. The goblin slid off the end of Jasson’s sword and fell to the ground, dead.

After a few moments of stunned silence, Jasson looked up into the eyes of half a dozen other goblins.

“Hey,” Jasson said, trying to scream around the lump in his throat, “I found some!”

Although broadly inaccurate this statement proved effective. Jasson barely managed to scramble to his feet, wildly swinging his sword to keep the monsters away, when the others arrived.

A hail of earthen bullets exploded to Jasson’s left, and an enormous sword skewered two goblins to his right, pinning them against a tree. The two sisters reached Jasson’s side and stepped in front of him protectively.

“You alright Jasson?” Clara said, grabbing her sword and twisting it free, “Get hit?”

“No,” Jasson said, “I actually got one. See?”

“Are you sure?” Petra said, “It could have been one of my bullets.”

“I’m sure,” Jasson said, “Besides, I have the blood on my sword.”

“Great job,” Clara said, thumping Jasson on the back, “Your first Demi-human kill. Sometimes you feel nauseous later, so feel free to throw up.”

Jasson’s stomach clenched protectively around the small ‘dinner’ they’d had. This might have been his first actual kill, and it might have made a disturbing gurgling sound as it died, but Jasson couldn’t ignore his swelling pride. The dream of all boys with sticks lay before him, a foe vanquished by his own bloody blade.

“Does this make me a man?” Jasson said out loud, which he immediately kicked himself for.

“I should hope not,” Petra said, “Otherwise I’m a thousand times more of a man than you are. Now come on, the last two are retreating. We should be able to find their base this way.”

Petra jogged away as Jasson hauled himself after them. Petra obviously didn’t get it. Jasson had held his own in a fight, albeit against a three-foot-tall monster with a bone knife. That had to mean something.

The Twins set a murderous pace, although not as exhuasting as stomping all of those spiders had been. Jasson followed to the best of his ability, keeping his complaints to himself as he followed them. Suddenly they crouched behind a bush, and Petra motioned for Jasson to join them. Panting loudly, Jasson collapsed to his knees between the girls as Petra glarred at Jasson and shushed him.

“Oh, sure,” Jasson whispered, “I just… won’t…breathe.”

Petra rolled her eyes as Clara rubbed Jasson’s back, a useless but appreciated gesture as Jasson wrangled his breathing. After a minute Jasson was finally able to breathe quietly and he crept up to peak through the bush.

“What am I looking at?” Jasson said, “Is the den hidden?”

“Nope,” Petra said, “We’re not even close, I just wanted you to shut up first. We found their main path. You can see how there’s a bunch of tiny bones?”

“No,” Jasson said, “it’s dark.”

“Come on,” Petra said, “Squint. You said you could see in dim lighting.”

“I said I was normal,” Jasson said, “Meaning I can make out rough shapes and movement, not tiny bones.”

“Ah well,” Petra shrugged, “there’s a bunch of them. They’re what makes the trail whiter than the surrounding ground. Can you see that?”

Jasson said “Yeah. That’s a bunch of bones, eh?”

“Bleached by the sun,” Petra thumped Jasson’s shoulder, “About what I expected from you. It’s not so dark that you absolutely need a Lighteyes spell then.”

That took a few seconds to process before Jasson said “A what?”

“A Lighteyes spell,” Petra said, “It lets me easily see in the dark an-”

“You can cast a SPELL to SEE in the DARK,” Jasson said, feeling his neck burn, “and you DIDN’T cast it on ME!?! I have been mostly blind for HOURS! Does Clara have it on?”

“No,” Petra said, and Jasson relaxed. Maybe it was something that Petra could only cast on herself.

“That’s right,” Clara beamed, “I can see in the dark naturally. It’s part of my warrior training. She hasn’t needed to cast it on me in years.”

Jasson rounded on Petra and said “I’ve been bumbling in the dark. You knew that I could barely see this whole time, yet you-”

“Now wait,” Petra said, “I forgot, okay? No point doing it now, so let’s move on-”

No, Jasson thought, I need this spell. I’ve been jumping at shadows this whole time!

“Cast it on me right now,” Jasson said, “or I swear that I’m leaving.”

“You need the money,” Petra said, “you wouldn’t bail before-”

“I have the gold from yesterday,” Jasson said, “Not to mention whatever I got from that guy earlier. Get my money from your Locker and I’ll be gone since I don’t strictly need to be here.”

“The spell takes too long,” Petra said, “we need to move quickly. The sun is almost up and-”

“No it doesn’t,” Clara said, “It takes only a minute. Although, Jasson you can’t force her to cast it on you.”

Jasson took a stabilizing breath and said “I’m not trying to force her to cast it on me. But, come on Petra. You invited me to help you with your dreams, am I not worth a brief spell? I could die out here.”

“You wouldn’t die,” Petra said, “I can get a couple of charges out of the healing crystal. But by all means, go ahead. Leave if you’re so scared of getting hurt.”

Stop being so stubborn, Jasson thought, I know you don’t believe that. Why is this a problem?

“That’s not the point,” Jasson said, “I’m trying to contribute. To be part of this. But Petra, you don’t seem to think that I’m worth it. You won’t even let me see in the dark like you do. It’s not about the spell, it’s about you seeing me as a kind of dog. A dog that can manage on its own, and that you don’t mind staying at your feet. Is that what I am to you?”

Jasson finished and turned away, unable to look Petra in the eyes. He expected her to blow up, like how she had every time he confronted her. Petra was a real #-

“All right,” Petra said, “I’ll do it.”

“You will?” Jasson turned to her, surprised, “Thanks.”

He couldn’t quite see her by the light of the moon shining through the canopy, but she certainly wasn’t smiling. Clara was smiling widely, and Jasson sighed in relief. So Petra wasn’t as bad as he thought.

“Close your eyes,” Petra said, “And don’t you dare mention how I cast this spell to anyone.”

“You’re not going to poke my eyes out are you?” Jasson said, “Is this a common spell?”

“Yes,” Petra said, “but only for people that are exceptionally weak with light magic, like me. It’s like a blessing. Just a blessing. Now stop talking. And hold still. This may surprise you.”

Jasson closed his eyes and said “All right,”

A few seconds passed and Jasson heard shuffling. Then something moist and soft pressed against his left eye, and Jasson had to repress the urge to wipe his eyes. Was that a-

The same gentle dampness pressed against his right eye, and this time Jasson could make out a faint kissing sound. A ‘blessing’. Right.

“All right,” Petra said, “go ahead and open your eyes.”

Jasson did, the world lighting up before him as he fixed his eyes on Petra. Jasson was burning up, but despite his embarrassment, he couldn’t stop his heart from soaring.

I just got kissed by a girl, Jasson thought, and I’m never going to mention this again. For her sake. She looks pretty flushed and…was she crying?

“Thanks,” Jasson said, “it’s perfect. About as bright as sunset, but without the orange.”

Petra snorted and said, “An adequate light mage would make you see like it was noon.”

“That would be awesome,” Jasson said, “but you’re an Earth mage, right? This is enough.”

Petra turned away and Clara said “All right. Everyone ready? Good. Let’s go massacre some evil little buggers.”