The Simpsons: Bart

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***

- Greetings ladies and gentlemen, wrestling fans, to Avatar Of Chaps. - In a low but richly expressive voice, the announcer began his greeting. - Our main and only event of the show will be the traditional EMLL Battle Royal! And please, let me remind you its rules! Two opponents start the battle and every five minutes one new participant joins the match! And so on until the last one, the tenth! Eliminations can only be made by holding up to three punches, by submission or by knockout!

It might seem strange to an outsider that the time before adding participants is as long as five minutes. As well as the fact that unlike a traditional battle royale, an ejection over the third rope brings nothing. Well, and the main surprise would probably arise at the mention of knockouts.

I'll answer the first one by saying that the match itself will go on for about an hour, maybe more. Because this type of match in EMLL is held only once a year, so the time must be stretched. That's basically why the top rope ejection isn't relevant. As for knockouts, EMLL has a tendency towards pathos and filmic comic book drama. So yes, barring force majeure, knockouts are also included in the match script.

Thinking back to last year's match.... I almost died. I was in the ring for about twenty minutes. And worst of all, I almost killed a couple of people when I left them tired. The difference between wrestling and wrestling is evident even in the generation of strength. If wrestling is a sprint. Wrestling is a marathon.

- Please welcome our first hero of the day, Demon King!

Demon King is a technico, isn't that amazing with a name like that? And considering his outfit is in black and white colours, except for the blood red eyes then, yes, it becomes hard to believe he's a good guy. Even though he debuted, eight years ago, as a jobber, it's revealed in EMLL canon that he's actually an alternate universe version of Guerrero Muerto. Where that one is, naturally, the good guy. And given that Guerrero is the company's main rudo, Demon King immediately rose in the card to almost second technico status in all of EMLL.

- And his first opponent Snake King!

And when you think of the main rudo of the promotion, his main opponent for that status is Snake King. Rudo is wearing a mask looking like the open mouth of a black and red cobra. He's been performing for sixteen years, and eight in EMLL. That is, since the company was founded, and he has played a significant role in it since the early days.

As the music ended and the cloaks were removed, the gong sounded. The two luchadors clung to each other and began to slowly probe the ground. After all, they would be in the ring for another twenty to forty minutes.

As for me, I'll be out in half an hour. I was given number eight, because I'm a technico, so I can't win by going out last. Only Rudo, the bad guy, can do that. And I'm not trusted to officiate matches yet. Which is understandable, looking at my career year.

- Do I even deserve to be here?

It would be a shock for any wrestler to find out that a year from now he's going to win his first title, or a trophy of some sort. As with wrestling, I literally catapult myself to the very top with a catapult throw..... It makes my palms sweat, imagining a possible fall.

- El Barto, you're up! - warned me by one of the replacement wrestlers. That's how I was a year ago.....

- Wait, what?! It's been half an hour already?! - I knew I was a slow learner, but not that slow?!

.....

- Front to the back, to the side if you can, can Whoa! Everybody in the house do the Bartmam~

I literally burst out of the backstage area as soon as the classic I'm going out to was playing.

- Yeah!

As is customary, when a new contestant comes out, it's his job to clear the ring and give moves to everyone in it. In my case, that was five people. Yes, two were eliminated before I arrived by Snake King.

- Yeah!

Someone gets a dropkick to the face. I deadlift someone into a suplex. I dodge a dropkick, dropkick someone else, dropkick them in the back of the loser's head. Backdrop to another and....

- Yeah!

I'm face to face with Snake King. The luchador who's been in the ring for half an hour. Clinch. Since I'm considerably taller than him, I shove the Snake King all the way to the ropes.

- Boo!

Really he slips between the second and third like. Snake. Gives me a ringing slap, from the effects of which I recoil, and....

- Boo!

Jumping onto the third rope, bouncing off it, Snake King delivers a dropkick to my chest. I fly off to the opposite side of the ring and...

.....

The match comes down to the last competitor, which is the fortieth minute. And in the final minutes of the half hour, I...

- YEAH!

I do my signature dropkick powerbomb to Snake King's shoulders. I lift him up by his snake hood and from the spot...

- YEAH!

I toss him up for a second bomb. After which I hold on. And if it's a meaningful hold in the eyes of the fans, it's meaningful in mine because it was at the hands of Snake King that I got knocked out last year. And I got knocked out the traditional Snake King way... By being sealed in a sarcophagus filled with snakes.

Memories of all those snakes crawling all over me still haunt me at night.

- BOOOOOOO!!!

And while I was in the corner hammering the luchador playing the cyclops and indulging in unpleasant memories, a tune familiar to all fans came on, the tune to which Guerrero Muerto comes out.

.....

By one o'clock, Guerrero Muerto had eliminated four more. And after accounting for my elimination of Snake King, his two, there were only three of us left in the ring.

- Boo!

Boriken Love Machin Jr, a luchador wearing a white mask with a gold heart-shaped frame followed by the Puerto Rican flag; lifted me onto the shoulders of Guerrero Muerto, who was sitting on the third rope and....

- BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

Followed by me getting a powerbomb from them. And after both of us writhing in very real pain, Guerrero made an attempt to hold me down.

- Yeah!

And at the 2.9 mark, I ripped my shoulder off, breaking the hold. Muerto is clutching his head, trying to summon Love Machine Jr. for another joint affair, but he...

- One, two...

Keeping himself isolated, Love Machine attempted a roll-up and nearly held down Guerrero Muerto...

- One, two, three!

But almost. Immediately after the takedown, Guerrero Muerto performed his trademark 'graveyard shift' and held off Love Machine Jr.

.....

Ten minutes after my failed attempts to fight back. Guerrero Muerto lifted me up on my arms, in a position where I lay across them. And began backdropping up to the third rope for a final 'graveyard shift' off of it.

- BOOOOOOO!!!

The fans realising the outcome had already started booing their favourite villain, believing that I had no chance of fighting back....

- Whoaawwww!

But it was worth it for Guerrero to bend me over to the ropes when we were at the height of the second turnbuckle, safety pads on the rope crimping, I landed my feet on it and performed a Muerto Spanish Fly.

- YEAH!!!

To the call of the crowd, I rise up on shaky legs. Sprinting into the ropes, and accelerating against them, I leap outside the ring where Guerrero Muerto rolled away.

- YEAH!

Next, I fire up the table and...

- YEAH!

After a struggle from Guerrero Muerto, I break it with another dropkick powerbomb. What happens next...

- And our winner and winner of the Chaos Ring.

The gong sounds. Applause from the audience. The announcer's voice, and, uh.

- EL BARTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

My hand is raised by the ringside referee.

- Yeah!

And just then I, gasping for air after forty minutes in the ring, slip the cartoonishly creepy looking ring on my finger and....

- BOOOOOOO!!!

Before I can speak, I'm attacked from behind and given a 'graveyard shift' by a flame-raised Guerrero Muerto, leaving me already breathless in the centre of the ring.

- ...

To the gasps of the crowd, Guerrero looked across the ring, picking up my dead arm. And threw it into the ring, letting the audience finally catch their breath and question our future confrontation.

.....

- Viva luchaaaaaaaaaaaah!

After the show, El Bandito took everyone in the show to a local bar. Almost a decent bar. Most of the wrestlers were immediately drunk as shit.

- Well done, El Barto, well done.

And Bestia Morada, with her refills, clearly doesn't want me to fall behind.

- Remember, puppy! I'll tear you a feather! - but Guerrero Muerto's already in trouble. - Why are you so tall and heavy?

Guerrero Muerto is about a head shorter than me, like most EMLL wrestlers. So I sometimes have to help them hold me down. And no, balancing is not easy.

- Beat the champ, El Barto, and I'll get you. - as he sipped his tequila, Snake King made his threat.

If anyone has any questions about why we're talking so strangely, and why we keep playing our parts, I'd like to see the look on their faces when they realise we're actually wearing masks.

And because we're in public, we have to play our roles... At least a little bit, because I'm not sure throwing up in a bush fits the Cyclops character.

- Girls, where do you want to go?

After about three hours. Everyone started to leave. Some went home to their families, some went to sleep it off. Some decided to hang out without a mask and went to another bar. And some took pictures of the groupies who came here after the show.

- Hey, El Barto, you want to come? - hugging two girls about ten years younger than him by the shoulders, Bestia turned to me.

- Nah, thanks. - To which I waved my hand.

And after Bestia shrugged and left, somehow I was the last one left. Thinking about my rejection and that I'd never had anyone since Gina, I decided to have a little drink on top as....

- E-I-Isabella? - Noticed a familiar face on the other end of the bar.