The Lesbian Demon Lord Conquers the World!

When Fangs originally agreed to turn her headquarters into a secret base for the demons, she was acting purely out of greed. And indeed, while the demons had been generous with their coin, she didn’t realize she was also agreeing to the installation of homing teleportation circles. Now her precious headquarters more resembled a transit station, with all manner of demons departing and arriving at every conceivable hour. The noise was driving her crazy.

“What now?!” she grumbled as one of the circles in her lobby started to glow yet again. Thunder, lightning and spacetime parted to reveal a group of six… one baphomet, one lamia, one foxkin and three humans. What did they want?

“Metokai, Nyze,” growled Fangs. “I trust you have a good reason for teleporting here?”

Metokai shook her head to clear out her ears. “Yes. We just killed approximately one hundred of the city guard and need to lay low for a while.”

Fangs gasped. “Oh. Nice.”

The youngest of the humans, a wide-eyed teenage boy, regarded Fangs’ muscular bulk with awe. “Wow! Are you a demon too?”

“No,” she responded tersely. “You know, when I agreed to this whole demon alliance, I wasn’t aware I’d be turning my headquarters into a bed-and-breakfast for the damned. This is going to seriously impact my crime empire.”

Metokai shrugged. “Talk to Valedor about it. He’s the one responsible for the Whisperers.”

“I have, but that elf is… infuriating,” Fangs’ grumbled. “Every time I see that smug face of his, I just want to punch it.”

“So why don’t you?” Metokai asked, genuinely confused.

“Why don’t I what?”

“Punch him,” Metokai explained. “I doubt he’d take it personally. We demons almost always settle our disputes with physical combat.”

Fangs’ eyes widened, and her serrated grin grew wide. “Seriously?”

“Yup. If anything, he may come to respect you more afterwards.”

“Ehehehehehe…” Fangs was giggling, but the perverse noise made the innocent-sounding phrase ‘giggle’ seem somehow inappropriate. “Is that so? I’m going to go challenge him right now!”

Metokai watched her storm off and groaned, turning to the rest of her party. “My apologies, Vynn and Var. We’re still in the process of establishing our spy headquarters in Arcryid. Clearly we still have some wrinkles to iron out.”

“I’m just glad to be away from those guards,” Vynn said with palpable relief.

“Are you sure she’s not a demon?” a confused Var asked. “I didn’t realize they made humans that muscular… or with shark teeth.”

“Quite so,” Metokai replied with a faint smile. “While we are safe for the moment in this hideout, don’t get too comfortable. With as much chaos as we just caused, it won’t be safe for any of us to show our faces in Arcryid. Once we rendezvous with Psytalla we’ll have to teleport to the Demon Realm immediately.”

Nyze groaned. “When Valedor finds out about the mess we caused, he’s gonna kill us.”

Metokai laughed humorlessly. “He just might. Hopefully Fangs will soften him up first, though.”

******

The blue glow faded from Psytalla’s eyes, and she turned to Diane. “We have to go. Apparently, Nyze has caused quite a ruckus.”

“R-Right…” Diane muttered.

Psytalla sensed the apprehension in her voice. “Fear not. So long as you remain by my side, you are under my protection.”

“What an odd concept,” Diane mused with grim humor. “The Demon Lord protecting the Hero.”

Psytalla turned to Tessaria. “You sure you won’t reconsider?”

“Yup,” Tess said firmly. “I’ve built a nice life for myself here. I’m not leaving.”

Psytalla sighed. “That will no doubt upset Rixu. He’s worried for your safety.”

Tess snorted. “No doubt. Psy, you have this place crawling with elvish secret agents. If the Supreme Breeder so much as breathes wrong, they’ll have me and Velour evacuated to the Demon Realm quick as a snap. Just promise to keep us little people in mind when you conquer Arcryid with your armies, okie?”

Psytalla nodded resolutely. “I promise. Won’t you at least come with us as far as the Whisperer base to say goodbye?”

“That I can manage,” Tess said with a grin.

“Very well. Diane, please go grab your things… only what you can stow in hammerspace… and meet me back here in ten minutes. Tess, could you go fetch Velour for me?”

“Aye-aye!” she said with a mock salute and bounded out of the room.

******

Metokai took a sip of her coffee and smacked her lips. “Not bad, serpent, but I still prefer the demonic variant. This one’s too acidic.”

Nyze laughed. “I’ll add some salt to the grounds next time to take the edge off. I’ve got enough stored in hammerspace to keep me caffeinated for months.”

“What a dreadful thought,” Metokai mused. She held out the pot, offering it to Vynn. “You sure you won’t have any?”

“Bleh, no thanks. I’m more of a tea drinker,” Vynn scoffed. “Caffeine dulls my edge.”

“Suit yourself,” Metokai said, clapping her cheeks with her paws to focus. “Now that Nyze and I are properly wired, please explain why you’re so valuable that the Breeders would send hundreds of guards to retrieve you.”

Rixu was curious as well. “I’ve served in the city guard many times, and I’ve never seen a mobilization that large for anything other than a parade.”

“I can’t imagine that mess was a simple response to a feud with Qoithe…” Valex mused, sipping on her own hot cocoa.

Vynn shrank in on herself a bit, suddenly self-conscious. “Honestly, I have no idea. Despite him leveraging my bluewrit for a promotion, there’s no way Qoithe was that well connected.”

One of Metokai’s eyebrows rose. “Bluewrit?”

Vynn pulled her copy of A Complete Bluewrit of the Arkaelian Thinking Machine out of hammerspace and handed it to Metokai. The baphomet, catching sight of the byline, frowned.

“I’m the one who wrote it, but my boss claimed credit,” Vynn explained.

“Ah. You should have him killed,” Metokai responded matter-of-factly.

“So everyone keeps telling me,” Vynn replied with a dark chuckle.

Metokai paged open the writ and began to skim, her eyes growing wider and wider as she read. After a few minutes, she set down the writ and looked at Vynn in wonderment.

“I think I understand now why the High Breeders were so desperate to seize or silence you. This is the most brilliant magitechnological work I’ve read in years,” she proclaimed. “Your solution to the misalignment problem is especially creative. To think, simply goading the machine into communicating gave you the baseline you needed to extrapolate its entire addressing system… it’s a wonderfully clever solution. Congratulations.”

Now it was Vynn’s turn to be amazed. “Thank you… you… you actually understood my work?”

“Not completely,” Metokai admitted readily. “I’ve only dabbled in magitechnology myself… mostly by reading the theoretical papers published by the research division of the Evil Corps of Engineers. That said, I know enough to realize your work is groundbreaking.”

“Evil Corps of Engineers?”

“The naming scheme is ironic,” Metokai explained. “Since you humans are so determined to paint demonkind as intrinsically evil, we decided to own it.”

“Huh.”

“More to the point, the High Breeders no doubt regard your escape as a breach of national security. Building on that, I would very much like to see you continue this research in safety,” Metokai said eagerly. “If you’re willing to.”

Vynn blinked. “What are you saying?”

Metokai leaned forwards. “Nelvynn of the Human Realm, how would you like a job?”

Vynn sat back in shock. “A job?”

Metokai nodded. “Working for the Corps of Engineers back in the Demon Realm. If you’re interested, I’d like to provide you with a laboratory, resources and research staff so you can continue to research and duplicate the Arkaelian analytical engines.”

“REALLY?!” Vynn gasped.

“Really. The Demon Realm has every bit as much to gain from unlocking the secrets of Arkaelian technology as Saimonica. We would be fools to pass up on this opportunity. And, of course, you could publish your work, publicly, under your own name. We do not tolerate anything so foolish and wasteful as gender discrimination.”

Vynn was completely astounded. “I… this seems too good to be true. You’re offering me everything I ever wanted.”

“Everything you’ve ever deserved,” Valex corrected. “The demons recognize your value and are acting accordingly.”

“You should go for it, Mom!” Var added. “It sounds like your dream job!”

Vynn sat forward and her eyes narrowed. “I don’t have to forfeit my soul or anything, right? Or sign a contract in blood?”

“What?” Metokai said, taken aback by these strange requests. “Whatever would I do with your soul? I have no use for it. And why blood? That seems tremendously unsanitary. Why not simply use ink?”

“Oh…” Vynn muttered, suddenly feeling quite silly. “I suppose you’re right.”

Metokai shook her head in disbelief. “I’ll never understand humans…”

“Hey!” Vynn complained. “Don’t act like I’m the weird one here!”

“I’d never dream of it,” Metokai replied sarcastically. “So, do you want the job?”

Vynn thought it over. Her fear of demonic corruption, long ingrained by a lifetime of religious brainwashing, was inevitably drowned out by the siren song of future scientific progress. In that respect, it wasn’t a hard decision to make.

“I do,” Vynn affirmed. “I accept the offer. If you give me the means, I will gladly build thinking machines for the Demon Realm.”

The jubilant sound of her wife and son cheering reassured her she’d made the right choice.

******

“Hm~ hm~ hmmmm~”

Many hours later, Valex hummed happily to herself as she tidied her small guest room, fluffing up the pillows. An exhausted Vynn entered, unceremoniously careening face-first onto the mattress and heaving a soul-deep sigh of relief.

“That was a hell of a day,” she murmured into the blanket.

“That it was,” Valex agreed. “Is Var finally asleep?”

Vynn nodded. “I knew it was a mistake to let him try Nyze’s coffee.”

“Amen.” There was a pause, and Valex’s gaze grew concerned. “Dear… are you sure you’re fine with all this?”

Vynn rotated her head to the side, meeting Vynn’s gaze. “For the last time, I don’t have any problems with your genderswap. Just looking at how… bubbly you’re acting lately means the change was good for you.”

Although the warm buzz of affirmation threatened to overwhelm Valex yet again, she pushed it down. “I know, it’s just… it feels like I’m forcing a lot of changes on you and Var. Abandoning Arcryid entirely… leaving all our friends behind…”

“Oh please,” Vynn muttered. “I burned my bridges before I even knew about your transformation. And you were always out-of-town too much to develop a social life.”

“True. But it will be hard on Var. Moving is always tough on kids.”

Vynn reluctantly rolled onto her side, facing Valex, and let focus overwhelm her fatigue for a short while. “Good point. His current enthusiasm will fade as soon as he gets homesick. We’ll have to be extra attentive.”

Valex nodded. “After we get back to the Demon Realm, I’m going to take some time off work and spend the next few months with you two. I feel like that’s important to help us all adjust.”

Vynn smiled warmly. “I’d like that. Besides, I still need to learn if those new ears of yours are ticklish.”

“H-Hey!” Valex protested.

“And what other parts are ticklish too…” Vynn teased, causing Valex to flush. “But another night… I’m bone-tired...”

“Me too,” Valex said, swinging into bed beside her wife.

Vynn’s only reply was soft snoring.

******

Psytalla wrinkled her brow. “So Valex’s family are named… Vynn and Var? Three separate names starting with V? That’s confusing.”

“Actually, Vynn is short for Nelvynn and Var is short for Nelvarr,” Nyze unhelpfully explained.

“That’s even worse!” Psytalla protested, throwing her hands up in consternation. “And here I thought elvish names were hard to remember!”

“Human naming schemes can be repetitive,” Metokai observed, “especially among direct family. Let’s just be grateful the kid isn’t named ‘Valex Jr.’”

“And the wife Valexia,” Nyze added coyly.

“Valex, Valexia and Valex Jr. You’re right, that IS worse,” Psytalla snorted as she pulled a large, circular-shaped bed out of hammerspace and plopped it on the empty room’s floor. The thing resembled nothing so much as a giant cat bed, perfect for those species who liked to sleep coiled up.

“Oh my gods,” Nyze gushed as she slithered into the bed and felt her whole body relax. “You’re too kind. I did not realize how ill-suited human beds were to lamia until I undertook this little trip. Ahh, I feel a thousand years younger…”

Psytalla squeezed her way into the bed beside Nyze, nestling in a warm patch at the base of her thigh. “You’re quite welcome. After today’s fiasco, you seem like you could use the rest.”

“Uh, I’m just gonna…” Metokai said sheepishly, backing towards the door.

“Oy, get your skinny baphomet butt in this cuddle pile,” Nyze chastised. “We’re not finished debriefing.”

“Your Demon Lord demands it,” Psytalla added playfully.

Metokai took a deep breath and then jumped, arcing through the air gracefully and alighting atop Nyze’s tail. Despite her feigned impassiveness, the slight pink dusting on her cheeks betrayed her true feelings. “V-Very well. To digress, how badly did Valedor react?”

Psytalla rolled her eyes. “He raged at me for a solid hour, bless his heart. Suffice to say, today’s misadventure is going to set back the whole Arcryid infiltration effort back by months, and may have negative consequences on our other operations in Lyzikanth, Vuzukanth, Mesonida and Aerykanth.”

Metokai groaned. “Not to mention our complete failure to achieve our primary objective by delivering false intel. There’s no way the Supreme Breeder will trust Valex’s faked report now.”

“Actually, I’m not so much worried about that part,” Psytalla said reassuringly. “From their perspective, we responded to an attack on my castle with an even deadlier one on their capital city. They are sure to see this as an escalation. I wouldn’t be surprised if they start marching armies in any day now.”

“True,” Metokai admitted. “Dogmatists are predictable.”

“You know…” Psytalla said, her voice growing quiet. “You were inside their defenses today, Metokai. If you had cast a different five-line spell, you could have ended this entire war before it started with a decapitation strike.”

Metokai shook her head. “I agree with Nyze’s assessment… too many innocent lives would have been extinguished. How we wage this war is every bit as important as why we wage it. You said as much yourself before the Evil Council.”

Nyze was quick to back Metokai. “Yeah! No unnecessary civilian casualties!”

Psytalla smiled, although it was qualified. “You’re both right, of course. We’re very well positioned to win a conventional land war. There’s no need to turn to mass destruction.”

Metokai nodded emphatically. “Agreed. Speaking of, how is the posture of the Armies?”

“Rock solid. Raskivia has defensive armies positioned at all four invasion points, and is keeping the insectkin armies in reserve as rapid response forces due to their force projection capabilities. We’re ready as we’ll ever be.”

“Good to hear,” Metokai said with an air of satisfaction. “I knew I could count upon Raskivia to put together a strong defense. I trust she kept you in line as well, Psytalla?”

Psytalla’s expression soured. “Yes. She’s a bit too by the book, honestly. I missed your gentler touch.”

That earned a laugh from Nyze. “You two are so cute together.”

“I am not cute,” Metokai grumbled. “On to the next topic… what exactly are you planning to do with the Hero?”

“Demonize her, naturally,” Psytalla said casually, surprising Nyze and Metokai.

“What?”

“SERIOUSLY?”

“Seriously. I doubt the Gods would be willing to leave the Hero’s ‘Blessing’ attached to the soul of a demon.”

Metokai’s expression grew cautious. “They also wouldn’t take it lying down. You might be playing with fire here, Psytalla.”

“I agree,” Nyze added. “I actually saw the Nameless God in person during Diane’s coming-of-age ceremony, and he is every bit as arrogant and petty as you might expect.”

“Perhaps, but it’s worth it to help that poor girl,” Psytalla said firmly. “Besides, destroying the Hero has been the sacred duty of the Demon Lord for five thousand years. I am merely fulfilling my purpose in my own way.”

Nyze’s expression grew gloomy as Metokai’s. “It’s going to be tough on her, isn’t it?”

Psytalla nodded. “Even so, I vow I will never allow her to become lost.”

******

“Gods, she looks exhausted,” Rixu mused as he gazed upon a sleeping Diane. “Can’t say I blame her. Demon Lord interrogation sessions are pretty intense.”

Tess shook her head in disbelief. “I really don’t understand why everyone is so afraid of Psy. She’s one of the nicest ladies I’ve ever met.”

“‘Psy?’ Only you could wind up on nickname basis with the friggin’ Demon Lord after a single day,” Rixu muttered. “Are you sure you won’t come back to the Realm with us tomorrow?”

“We’ve been over this, Rixu. I have a home with Vel,” Tess replied, annoyance creeping into her tone. “I have a good life here. Unless you’re making me a better offer, I think I’ll stay.”

Rixu sensed his opportunity. “A better offer?”

Picking up on the heaviness in his tone, Tess grew quiet. Was this lunkhead finally taking the hint? “Yes… better…”

“I think I might have something in mind.” Rixu said. “I’d been planning to do this earlier, but the opportunity never presented itself.”

Tess’ heart began to thump loudly.

Rixu got down on one knee and produced a box from hammerspace, offering it to Tess. The latter took it with fumbling figures and opened it, gasping at the gorgeous tiara within. It was wrought of exquisite silver and inlaid with pink gemstones… a work of finery wrought by gnomish hands. Its meaning was known to demon and human alike.

“Tessaria,” Rixu said, not quite able to meet her gaze from sheer nervousness. “Will you marry me?”

“About time you asked, jerkass,” she responded happily, and leaned down to kiss him.

******

In the dull-white room which crowned the mile-high bulk of the White Tower, Supreme Breeder Aeveena Amon paced back and forth in half-rage, half-panic.

“How bad is it?” he growled.

“Bad,” responded High Militant Frense Angeddo. “We’ve counted 173 dead so far, all guards. If that baphomet caster had used a different spell…”

“We’ll chalk that up to divine providence,” Aeveena spat. “Institute city-wide martial law and clean out the slums. I’m sure the demons are hiding amongst those Godless degenerates.”

“As you command,” Frense responded, his eyes flashing blue as he telepathically relayed the order to his commanders. “Supremacy, I believe we have cause for deep concern. The fact that the demons were able to launch such a precise attack on our capital, spiriting away one of our top magitechnologists while dealing a huge blow to our security forces, means that their espionage and projection capabilities are an order of magnitude larger than our wildest predictions. Worse, it seems the Hero’s attack has done nothing to diminish their strength. We may need to reconsider our crusade.”

Aeveena’s face twisted into a fury-laced scowl. “Reconsider?”

Frense stepped back a bit. “I’m simply pointing out that all our intel is wrong, Supremacy. Prudence dictates we re-assess the situation before acting rashly.”

“They attack our capital city, and you propose we do nothing?”

“N-Not nothing, Supremacy. I merely advise caution.”

Silently, Aeveena stalked towards Frense, the latter shrinking back in fear. The Supreme Breeder looked on with amusement at his trembling subordinate, relishing the power he wielded over this wretch of lesser faith, then patted him gently on the shoulder.

“Be at peace, High Militant. I know you speak only out of concern for our great nation. Even so, the Nameless God has demanded the total eradication of the demons. To tarry any further would be tempting His wrath, and we don’t want that, now do we?”

Frense shook his head silently.

“I’m glad to see you agree. I’d hate to have my finest military officer crucified for heresy. I hear the carrion birds picking at your scabs is the worst part.”

“Th-Thank you, S-Supremacy…” Frense replied as sweat poured down his face.

Aeveena removed his hand from Frense’s shoulder and turned, stalking away. “Alert your Militants. We’re launching the invasion immediately. I will see the Demon Lord pay for this attack before the year is out.”

“B-By your command,” Frense said with a quick salute. “The zombie armies will begin marching on the Demon Realm at White Moonrise.”

Aeveena’s face stretched into a stretched, hawkish smile. “Good. It’s time we finally purged their filth from Goezia. Dismissed, High Militant.”

As the terrified Frense scrambled from the room, the Supreme Breeder clutched his star-medallion and silently thanked the Nameless God. His patience and faith were about to be rewarded.

The 117th Demonic Crusade had finally begun.