The Isekai App

HusbandMandy: You saved the City of Trees with a cow kaiju?

OwenBeta_StillBuggy: A bull! A RED bull! THEEEE Red Bull!

"You'd think this guy would get it," Lir grumped. "You'd think ANYONE on this board would get it. Are we a group of morons, Mateo?"

007: I swear, Molly tried so hard to make a cool thing and you guys think she wanted to look like a dairy cow, have you no shame

HusbandMandy: Just bustin your balls. We all knew who it was instantly. It was really cool. Glad you guys are cosa nostra

I felt grudging satisfaction over that.

THE MIGHTYUNDINE!!!: Hey is this Team Cow? I love your cow assault on the flames and your cow!

007: Not a cow not a cow

THEMIGHTYUNDINE!!!: Cow cow cow cowity cow Knock knock who's there the interrupting cow the size of a shopping mall!

HumanRightsNow: are you under the impression this was the only attack we have planned?

A pause.

007: How'd you get on this board, Michelle?

Because I could feel her seeping up through my fingertips as I typed. It was Dr. Michelle, talking shit on the internet.

HusbandMandy: It's not her.

007: It is. She must have tortured the passwords out of one of us.

HumanRightsNow: Nonsense. Also unnecessary. You think your ridiculous security can withstand us? This board is so old even I can hack it, and I'm OLD as hell

007: What are you doing next, then? Put your money where your mouth is, you withered old nightmare

HusbandMandy: That's not someone named Michelle, according to my touchy feelies. It's the President of the US, forgetting his place again

HumanRightsNow: My place is guiding Humanity to its rightful destiny, Owen. And we're getting closer and closer.

007: HusbandMandy what's going on with this person, she's been burning things and it makes me feel like murderin

HumanRightsNow: So scary! Listen to the little whiny idiot, kicked out of Caravan after a blubbering apology! Booo hoooo, I'm sorry I let a real patriot live among you

HusbandMandy: There's a time limit to your activities, Jeff.

HumanRightsNow: I'm shaking. Why haven't you come taken care of me yourself, instead of making your gang of knockoff copies handle it for you? Busy with something?

HusbandMandy: saving your worthless ass. And knockoff copies? Whose fault is that?

HumanRightsNow: Well, okay, that's my bad. I keep making you over and over. And I really appreciate you saving my worthless ass; it's mighty White of you, if I can coin an outdated phrase. But that's always the problem, isn't it? You never want to shoot the hostage. Even when the hostage hates you

The two of them sparred. HusbandMandy was unimpressed, disgusted, actually, but clearly unable to deal directly with HumanRightsNow in the real world. And HumanRightsNow was gleeful, gloating, taunting.

"What is this?" Lir said. "What's going on, any ideas?"

"It''s Michelle, but HusbandMandy says it's the US President. What's his name again?"

"Jeffrey Harrigan. He's unpopular to say the least."

"As I understand it, if you get a soul and you have a lot of people counting on you, it makes you feel their suffering. I haven't really had it happen yet, have you? What makes the misery work? Is it your face?"

If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.

Lir's ears went up. "Your body, actually, but I don't know for sure."

"And if you switched bodies? Disappeared, pretended to be nothing, maybe left a…I don't know, a seeming in your place?"

"That's gotta be it. The President switched bodies so he doesn't have to take his medicine."

007: The President is masquerading as a person named Dr. Michelle. Hides in that identity. Clever, really.

HumanRightsNow: You think so? Thank you, Mateo. Ya know, you're a lot smarter than the other ones. What if I told you that it was cruel and unusual punishment? Constant torture for me to hear the whining of people all the damn time. Oooh, Mr. President we're unhappy, oh sir please save us from all the Unclean aliens. And I felt it, felt everything. I couldn't eat or sleep. I tried all sorts of fixes. Morphine. Tylenol. Hallmark movies.

007: So you're here to get our sympathy, is that why

HumanRightsNow: To warn you to stay away. I have a huge nuke. Keep away from DC, or I swear I'll use it. I'll take out the entire eastern seaboard

007: Oh, you don't have a nuke. You'd have used it already. Like Todd. Your threats aren't negotiation points, they're just announcements of what you really, really want to do and hope it comes together

HumanRightsNow: You guys piss me off. So sanctimonious. You destroyed six thousand years of intricate Human civilization because you couldn't hack it. And we had only the SMOOTHEST of jazz! The most CLASSIC of rock! The SLOPPIEST of joes!

None of the Walshes said anything. We were feeling for Michelle, or the President, whoever this person was. Trying to find the mind behind it.

THEMIGHTYUNDINE!!!: I owe you. I owe-ski, Jeff.

HumanRightsNow: Oh, is that Mandy Nakahara? You know, you almost cheated on your hubby there, kind of. You held hands with Mateo and were even gonna let him kiss you and cop a feel. Of course it was me, just PRETENDING to be you, but I thought I'd mention it because I've decided to be so open and vulnerable with the Walshes today

Lir laughed. "What an asshole!"

One of the Queen's children landed on the table near us. A frisbee-sized wasp, glittering and streamlined. "I want to contribute."

I stroked the bug's head between the L-shaped antennae, offered a cheez-it. "What's up, Wasp Mom?"

The insect grabbed the cheez-it and started devouring. "It's a question of frequency. When those of the Fortress were more interested in tools, we had electromagnetic means of communication, radio and so forth. Are you with me? There are frequencies found in other kinds of broadcasts as well. Ask HusbandMandy and Mandy why they aren't here."

I did; I broke out another chat window away from the blustering Michelle/President, who seemed to enjoy having an audience.

THEMIGHTYUNDINE!!!: We're fighting the Silent Choir. They've taken so many. They want Earth and we don't know why

"The Choir," said Wasp Mom thoughtfully. "They like pain, so many of the larger Powers do. They're being drawn here to it but their senses are dull. It takes real effort to get their attention. I suggest that this Human is narrowcasting right at the Choir."

I put that into text. A pause. Lir laughed again, outraged at something Michelle had said.

HusbandMandy: Radio?

GreenRadioOntheAIR: Formal greetings to the Magnificavespa Ceremonialis Imperatrix Pugnax LXII, Queen in Exile. Your Queendom was the apex of your civilization. Please recite that, Mateo. Get it right or she'll hurt you.

I recited.

"Is that the Observatory Voice? I wouldn't hurt you, Mateo; you give my children cheez-its. The Observatory Voice has power but never uses it properly! Please tell it to scan the frequency of psychic energy used during the The War of the Seven Spires by the House of Fists."

I did.

GreenRadioOntheAIR: Oh. Found it.

HusbandMandy: Holy crap dude. You and your guys. You and your guys!

THEMIGHTYUNDINE!!!: It's not cheating if it's a threesome!!!

HusbandMandy: lol down girl

THEMIGHTYUNDINE!!!: DM me Mateo ;) ;)

HusbandMandy: You see what I have to put up with

GreenRadioOntheAIR: Owen knew that Mandy had eyes only for him and his delicious collarbones

We closed the separate chat. Lir was drawing Michelle out, getting spectacular villain rants.

"This person, whoever it is? Lonely," Lir said. "This is really sad, you know? I don't understand half of the pop-culture references but … it's just sad."

HumanRightsNow: You guys want to do trivia? I'll mop the floor with you

007: no

HumanRightsNow: How about Mario Kart, does that still exist? I got a blue shell for all you bitches!!

007: Ever wish you were someone else, Michelle? Not just switching bodies. Someone else.

A long pause. It stretched and stretched. Then an image posted by HumanRightsNow:

A decades-old meme. Red cartoon lizard in a forest. It was gesturing angrily. Text beneath it:

Dishonor on YOU! Dishonor on your COW!

HumanRightsNow left the chat.