The Impeccable Adventure of the Reluctant Dungeon

“Oh shit! Oh crap! Oh shit! Oh crap!” Theo kept repeating, moving the furniture about his entrance hall with every word. His minion, in contrast, didn’t seem to be in the least bit worried. In any case, the skeleton’s only concern was not to fall off the chair he was snoozing in, while the dungeon moved it about. “What the heck would a legendary hero be doing here?!”

Triple hero, the spirit guide corrected. There’s no way of knowing now, but I would assume that most likely it was an end-life crisis.

“What the heck is an end-life crisis?!” Theo shouted, lifting all furniture—Cmyk included— in the air for several minutes

It’s all part of a hero’s life, especially the famous ones. The older heroes get, the more they yearn for their glory days. Most often, this doesn’t go beyond writing memoirs and constantly telling tales of adventures to bards, friends, family members, and everyone else who would listen. Sometimes, though, they decide to go on an adventure to prove to the world that they still have the heroic spirit.

“Just great…”

I must admit it was impressive that he managed to come here. The valley is rather isolated. If you hadn’t chased away the cicada squirrels, he probably wouldn’t have made it here at all.

Theo opened and slammed the entrance door several times, but said nothing. As someone who’d endured the world of game development, he knew to stick to the golden principle: when at fault, say nothing.

“So, when will they be back?”

Umm… The guide hesitated. In its mind, it had explained very clearly and repeatedly that the squirrels had left the forest for good. In fact, the guide was certain it had done so multiple times. Faced with the impossible dilemma of explaining something that wouldn’t be heard, it took a different approach. Possibly in seven years, is said, skirting the truth quite a bit.

“Seven years?!”

Possibly fourteen. Maybe twenty-one at the most.

“Twenty-one years?! Are you kidding me?”

All the furniture moved to a corner to the room where it remained still for several minutes. Theo was considering this. The more he thought about it, however, the more upset he became. Of all the dungeons in the world, why did a legendary hero have to pick him? Still, this was no time to get into a panic. He had survived over a decade in the game industry in his former life. There was no reason he couldn’t deal with a trivial matter as the occasional aging adventurer. Surely it was pure luck that one managed to make it so far, nothing but a coincidence.

“Twenty-one years?” Theo asked. His tone was much more relaxed this time. “That doesn’t sound too bad.”

During that time, heroes throughout the land will attempt to gain riches and glory by finding you and claiming your core.

“What? Why would they want that?”

Since Lord Ezier died within you, all his Experience Points—and the possessions he had on him—were transformed into Core Points and given to you. At present, you are the third most powerful dungeon on the continent. Every hero or champion willing to make a name for themselves will be running to be the ones to claim the bounty.

The light dimmed in the room, as Theo listened on to the explanation. This was beyond not good, it was a complete disaster.

Traditionally, family members have priority, but in today’s day and age, things are a bit more cutthroat among heroes, especially when dealing with such a potential bounty. Of course, it’s possible that several heroes pool their resources in order to—

“Thank you, guide!” Theo said abruptly, not too keen to hear the rest. The initial shock gone, his anger and fear slowly subsided, leaving him with a perfectly analytical mind.

If all the hero’s experience had been converted to Core Points, making Theo the third most powerful dungeon in the land, he could use that power to summon some creatures, cast some spells, and maybe build an additional defense room or two.

“Guide, you can grant me abilities, right?”

No, the guide sighed. Core Points allow you to learn abilities. I merely offer you to activate them, since as a newly created dungeon, the information might be too overwhelming. If you would like, I could let you explore the—

“Do I know any hero repelling abilities?” Theo interrupted. His mind raced through all the most powerful abilities he has seen in games—such as meteor, or tidal wave, or mountain golem—but none of them were a permanent solution. From what little Theo knew about the world he was in, he knew that adventurers, and heroes especially, were persistent creatures. A meteor or two weren’t going to be enough.

There is a vast array of spells and abilities that could be good for hero dissuasion, the guide said. Given your strength, a dragon nest would be quite sufficient. At least for anyone but dragon slayers. Lava moats with magma elementals are also a good deterrent.

“No, no, no.” Theo swung all doors in his dungeon about, as if shaking a finger. “I need something better. Something that would permanently stop heroes searching for me…”

Something better than a dragon nest? The guide asked, surprised. Right now, even it had trouble picturing what that might be.

“These Core Points, would they allow me to modify objects?”

Transfiguration is possible, of course. A lot of ancient dungeons use it to hide a few cracks and present a younger appearance to the world. It’s mostly a vanity thing.

“And do they allow me to change location?”

Change location?

If the guide had the physical ability to blink, it would have. As far as it was aware, no dungeon had made such a request before.

The option exists, the spirit guide said hesitantly. However, it would require nine-hundred million Core Points to obtain. Furthermore, to use it, you’ll need vast amounts of energy, potentially disabling you for... to be honest, I don’t know for how long. No dungeon has ever done this before.

“Perfect!” Theo said, full of enthusiasm. “Teach me.”

Spatial Displacement

Convert 1000 energy to change location. Depending on the destination, you would be readjusted so as to avoid any harm or damages.

“Alright, now teach me… actually teach me everything!”

That might prove a bit difficult now that you’re used up ninety percent of your Core Points. There are still a lot of abilities for seventy-eight million points, but not enough for everything.

“In that case, teach me to shapeshift.”

Transfiguration

Convert 1000 points to change your appearance into something of your choice.

I’ll probably regret asking this, but what exactly do you plan on doing?

“You said that heroes will keep coming at me until one of them destroys me, right?” There was a grin to be heard in Theo’s voice. “Well, where’s the last place they’d look?”

At the bottom of the ocean?

“In the middle of a city!” Theo said proudly.

The spirit found itself speechless. Even Cmyk woke up from his snooze and tilted his head in outright concern of his master’s thought process. Dungeons never wanted to be anywhere near a city. Having a hamlet three hills away was considered bad enough. To be near a city—or worse, be in the city itself—was the least dungeony thing that a dungeon could do. At this point, the guide wanted to cry. It had been a few months since its creation and already it regretted its job. There were reasons why non-dungeons weren’t supposed to be reincarnated as dungeons. They messed up everything with the ease of a drunken goblin.

“Just think about it!” Theo continued with just as much enthusiasm. “Where better to hide a tree than in the forest? In my case, where better to hide than as a house in a city? No hero would ever think of searching for me there!”

Having witnessed the absurdity of the argument, Cmyk went back to dozing. The spirit guide, though, didn’t have that luxury. Despite everything, its duty remained to try and preserve the dungeon as much as possible, and that included pointing out the obvious.

I suspect that someone might notice a whole building suddenly appearing.

“Magic,” Theo said dismissively. “Don’t buildings pop up just like that?”

Not usually, no…

“Then I’ll transform into a magic building. Those exist, right?”

Well, yes, there are buildings owned by mages and those sometimes have unusual properties…

“There you go. All I need to do is move to a city and change into a nice small magic house and the problem will be solved.”

Maybe, but the cities are noisy places. There are lots of people and—

“Teach me a silence spell! Now that I have the Core Points for it, it shouldn’t be a problem.”

The guide knew he was defeated. All reasonable objections were parried with reasonable solutions. It was perfectly possible for Theo to surround himself in a shroud of silence, just as he could make himself fire proof, rot proof, and rodent repellent. If he wanted, he could even cast a spell that would ensure that his surface never got dirty.

Aware of all this, the spirit guide announced his surrender. The only small concession he managed to win was to convince Theo to move to a medium-sized town, rather than a kingdom capital. The discussion over, the plan was quickly put to action.

Combining both spells, Theo disappeared from the small isolated valley in which he had been reincarnated… and reappeared in the bustling town of Rosewind. The town was by no means remarkable. Located in a fertile area within a minor kingdom, it had pretty much what one would expect a medieval fantasy town to have: buildings, taverns, marketplaces, workshops, a palace, a temple, and a few rivaling adventure guilds. As far as the spirit guide was aware, the last dungeon in the general area of the city had been destroyed two generations ago, officially making it dungeon free.

The change was sudden and confusing. The closest thing Theo could compare it to jumping in a pool with a new, tightly fitting set of clothes.

The first sensation he felt was utter and complete numbness and exhaustion. Combining two powerful spells had left him too weak to even open a window or move a piece of furniture. Things were so bad that Theo was faced with the prospect of asking Cmyk for assistance. Knowing how disinclined the skeletal minion was to work, the dungeon preferred to quietly wait until part of his energy was restored. The following two hours of outside noise were almost intolerable. The first thing that Theo did, upon regaining a bit of energy, was to cast a silence spell around himself so he could hear himself think. Then, and only then, did the dungeon get back to the basic activity of exploring himself and his surroundings.

Despite its disapproval, the spirit guide had done quite a good job of assisting Theo in transforming into something more than adequate. The dungeon’s new appearance was that of a quaint, but stylish three-story house—attic separate—with one basement level. In his previous life, Theo would have called it a dream mansion that he could never afford… that is, if he had bothered with details such as interior decoration. As things stood, he had no more furniture than in his original form. All effort was on the outside, creating a fake face of three empty floors. Even the staircase was skipped altogether. Theo didn’t seem to particularly mind. After all, it wasn’t like he would be having any guests.

The neighborhood seemed rather fine. Judging by nearby houses, the people were comfortable, if not well off, the streets were maintained, and there didn’t appear to be too many animals. The single annoying aspect was that Theo was tightly fitted between a tavern on one side, and a barber shop on the other. On the bright side, since none of the buildings were residential, he wouldn’t have to come up with excuses why the house was empty.

Is everything to your satisfaction? the spirit guide asked. As far as it was concerned, moving here successfully was a miracle in itself.

“As long as I get away from those pesky heroes,” Theo replied. “You’re sure that there’s no way of tracking me down?”

With the amount of magic, not to mention innate abilities, arcane items, and beings with mystical powers, there’s never a hundred percent guarantee. However, I would say that the chances are exceedingly low.

“Exceedingly low,” Theo repeated. He didn’t like those at all. From his experience, that usually meant that the odds were fifty-fifty. Still, it was better than remaining in the valley, where he would certainly be found. “How long will it take for me to acquire enough energy to teleport again?”

If you mean “change location,” I estimate around thirty years, provided you don’t engage in any arduous activities.

Thirty years sounded quite reasonable. Given the location and nature of the town, it was unlikely that Rosewind would get involved in any wars by then. That meant that once the heat had died down, Theo could move back to his old location to enjoy his idle rest. Given the powers he was granted by the legendary hero’s unfortunate accident, he would have no trouble dealing with cicada squirrels or any other creatures in the area.

Knock! Knock! Knock!

Just as Theo was about to get back to snoozing, there was yet another interruption at the door. In his previous state, he would have had to open the door a crack to see what was going on outside. Having transformed into a fancy house, he cracked open one of his windows instead.

“Why is there a fat man in funny clothes at the door?” Theo asked.

This is a town, the spirit guide said in a told-you-so intonation. I warned you several times that houses don’t just appear overnight. And while you have arguably a good explanation for that, someone must actually tell it to the people who ask.

That minor detail had eluded Theo. The dungeon had been so focused on his brilliant idea of blending in—as well as the basking in his own genius—to consider the obvious. Now, there was someone at the door, and the dungeon had absolutely no plan of action.

“Maybe they’ll just go away when I don’t open?” Theo asked.

That would be quite likely. Of course, they would later return with the city guard who will break the door down.

The knocking continued. Thankfully, the person outside was quite persistent. Having set his eyes on the house, he seemed determined to get to the bottom of this and had no intention of leaving before he did. That gave Theo time. Scrambling for solutions, and with an extremely limited number of options, he did the first thing that came to mind… which was to grant Cmyk flesh, hair, and a set of clothes. Since he was under pressure, the final appearance of the minion was a concoction made from different thoughts and notions stirring in Theo’s mind.

The new and improved Cmyk was six feet and a half, muscular, with the physique of a bodybuilder—a mix between He-Man and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Conan—with neck length straight blond hair. The outfit was composed of lime green bard trousers, soft brown leather boots, a green shirt—barely able to fit because of Cmyk’s muscles—and a butler’s vest. To top it all, the minion had a white ruff collar.

“Open the door!” Theo ordered.

Granted, with the ability to form expressions, the minion winced, then stood up with a sigh that sounded like a draft within the empty building.

“Go on, answer the door!” Theo shouted, then hastily removed the external silence spell. The sounds of the city invaded the calm once more. In an exceedingly slow fashion Cmyk stood up, made his way to the door, and creaked it open.

Outside the man was just about to knock again, when he suddenly paused. Seeing the door handle, and then the door, move. Slowly, but steadily, the crack grew. The man remained still, hand still in the air, waiting. After a few seconds, he was able to see a sliver of the person behind the door. Ten seconds more and half of Cmyk’s face was well in view. At that stage, the minion’s intimidation effect had started to affect anyone who could see. As far as the man outside was concerned, he appeared to have woken up an extremely strong and egocentric character, and judging by the facial expression that character was far from pleased.

“Err, good day,” the man said with a slight bow. “Apologies for waking you up so early in the afternoon. It’s just that I’m one of the earl’s tax collectors.”

Eyes focused on the man, Cmyk blinked.

“Well, right.” The tax collector straightened up. As any person who felt intimidated, he was determined to do something unreasonable to prove that he wasn’t. “I’m here to ask for your building license. As you know, by order of the earl, all buildings need a permit. And clearly being a magical structure, there’s the matter of tax.” There was a slight hesitation. “You don’t come from a notable line of heroes, mages, or nobility, do you?”

Cmyk blinked again, then shook his head.

“Ah, perfect.” The tax collector let out a sigh of relief. “In that case, I’m afraid you’re subject to magic tax, which could be waived if you have the appropriate magic license, of course.”

The minion kept staring blankly forward and slightly down.

“Ah, well… Can you provide any of those scrolls?”

Slowly, Cmyk shook his head. This posed a slight dilemma for the tax collector. On the one hand he was in his right to demand that Cmyk pay up—along with any additional fines the tax collector saw fit. However, all such demands had the risk of being followed by a fist in the face or stomach, and given the size of Cmyk’s muscles, that was something the tax collection thought he could do without.

“This is your house, right?”

There was a long moment of stillness, after which Cmyk shook his head.

“Oh?” Sweat covered the taxman’s face.

This was rather unusual. It wasn’t the first time he’d had a mage or wizard pop-up in town. So far most of them belonged to a guild or council of some sort. They were extravagant and extremely forgetful, but they had their documents in order. This was the first time that a magic user sent his house and butler ahead to prepare things.

“So you’re only here to set things up for your employer?” the tax collector asked.

Uncertain how to respond, the minion nodded.

“Ah, wonderful.” The tax collector was overjoyed. This meant that he could delay this extremely uncomfortable conversation for later. “Quite commendable. Just be sure to pass by the tax collection office in the palace with the land deed, building license, magic license, and a copy of your employer’s family tree. Someone will be there to add you to Rosewind’s resident’s registry.”

Cmyk nodded again.

“Splendid.” The tax collector took a step back. “Was wonderful talking to you. Take care, now, and see you in a week once your employer arrives.”

Not waiting for the minion to respond, the tax collector turned around and rushed along the street. Cmyk remained motionless for a few seconds, blankly staring forward, then slowly started closing the door. He never got the chance to finish it, for Theo slammed it shut for him.

“Thanks for nothing, Cmyk!” the dungeon shouted to the minion.

Paying no notice, Cmyk went back to the nearest chair and sat down. It felt less comfortable since he had been given a new body, but not to the point that it would keep him from snoozing off. Meanwhile, Theo was in a state of quiet panic. Deadlines and bureaucracy had always been two of the most hated things in his life. What was worse, his magnificent plan could end up undone by a sniveling tax collector, all because of a few useless licenses.

“Are there any spells to summon those licenses through magic?” Theo asked.

Unfortunately, no. All licenses are made in a specific fashion that prevents magic duplicated. There was an explosion of magic forgeries a few centuries ago as a result of a poorly organized Mage Tower. Since then, it’s been the law of the land, that all licenses must be magic-free and sealed by a temple in order to be considered valid.

“I’m doomed…”

Actually, it’s not all lost. You’ll be given a week or two to get your things in order. Since you’re considered a mage, it’s more than likely you’ll receive an extension and a few warnings, increasing the time period to a month.

“Oh, that’s good,” Theo said, his words drenched with sarcasm. “So, I have a whole month to find a bunch of licenses in order to get another license. Please enlighten me, how exactly is that done?”

There is a spell for transforming hay into gold, the spirit guide said. Normally, I wouldn’t suggest it, since it’s extremely cost inefficient, but given that you are scarce of options…

“Are you suggesting that I go on a bribing spree?”

I wouldn’t recommend it, given that this remains a town frequented by heroes. However, gold can also be used to purchase and expedite licenses. All you need is the correct amount, an adequate explanation, and a trusted minion to go do it.