The Impeccable Adventure of the Reluctant Dungeon

A double-handed sword of red flame emerged in the demon’s hands as it flew to meet the heroine head on. Normally, that would be bad enough. However, just to add a little more boost of vileness, the creature slashed into the air, releasing a wave of flame towards Liandra and Theodor.

Oh crap! The dungeon thought.

Normal flames were annoying enough—Theo still remembered the mess the thieves had caused in their clumsy attempt to rob him. Reinforced demon fire, on the other hand, had the potential of being far, far worse. Without thinking, the dungeon did the only thing he could think of, namely create several massive shelves of books between him and the approaching flames. Rows of wooden furniture came into existence, emerging from the floor, significantly hindering Liandra’s charge.

The woman had proven to be well prepared for anything that the demon might do. However, she didn’t expect any interference from her own ally. The moment a shelf of books suddenly appeared beneath her feet, lifting her without warning in the air, she reacted on the moment by jumping high in the air. That proved rather beneficial, since the wave of flames passed beneath her, burning through the improvised obstacles like a red-hot dagger through a wax candle. Row after row, the shelves of books were transformed into piles of smoldering ash, until they hit Theo’s avatar in the face.

“Dammit!” both Theo and his avatar shouted simultaneously.

Apart from taking a healthy chunk of energy, the flame had also completely burned the clothes he was wearing. Completely naked and with no viable plan of action, Theo did the only thing that anyone in similar circumstances would: create a wardrobe full of clothes in the immediate vicinity to hide himself from view.

“Spok! Quickly teach me a clothes-making ability!” the dungeon shouted back in Rosewind.

Sir, I don’t think that’s a good idea. Maybe—

“Just shut up and do it, damnit!”

LEGENDARY TAILORING

Create and personalize garments to fit anyone’s needs.

Not a moment too soon! Theo thought, then used a bit of transfiguration to create a new set of clothes.

The ability worked without a hitch. Unfortunately, instead of appearing on the avatar’s body, the clothes found themselves on the master bed back in the dungeon’s main self.

“Wha?” Theo opened and closed all shutters of his windows in a surprised blink.

As I tried to explain, sir, your avatar will not be able to use the ability, since it couldn’t learn new abilities from a distance.

“Craaap!” The avatar opened the wardrobe, then frantically put on the first clothes in sight. Just for good measure, he cast swiftness a few times to speed up the process.

Meanwhile, the clash between Liandra and the red armored demon was in full force. Having evaded its flame attack—mostly due to Theo’s interference—the heroine leapt up and forward, landing a vertical strike on the creature. Sparks burst everywhere as the abomination blocked the massive sword with its armored arm. The force—far greater than even magical armor could withstand—thrust the demon down, causing it to hit the ground in an explosion of dust and debris. A massive hole was created in the wall, as if the result of a meteor impact. Unfortunately, even such an attack proved to do little against a creature basking in the light of a demon heart.

“Heroine,” the demon growled. “Lord Mandrake wanted to make good use of you in his experiments. However, I will not grant you such sweet agony.”

The arm that had been crushed and torn off in the attack quickly regrew. Armorless, it reached into the air to drag hold of the hilt of a second sword of flame that emerged from nothing. Before it could do that, a massive wardrobe flew right into the creature, pushing him hundreds of feet back.

“Did I miss much?” Theo’s avatar appeared on the scene with a grin, dressed in a completely new set of mismatched clothes.

“What have you done to yourself?” Liandra asked, unable to look away even with a raging demon nearby. “You look terrible.”

“Magic attire,” Theo’s avatar said with a forced smile. “They provide me different attribute boosts.”

The hesitant nod on the heroine’s part suggested that she was ready to accept the explanation, and also that she sympathized with him.

“So, what’s the new plan?” Theo eagerly changed the topic of conversation. “He seems quite tough.”

“He is. The only chance we have to defeat the demon is to slay the heart. And it won’t let us do that while it’s alive.”

A perfect catch twenty-two. If the dungeon was able to grant new abilities to its avatar, there were a dozen ways he could have dealt with both. However, in the present circumstances, none of those options were possible.

An explosion sounded in the nearby distance as a ball of flame consumed the wardrobe Theo had slammed into the demon. So much for delay tactics.

“I’ll take on the demon,” Liandra said as she rushed in its direction. “You find a way to destroy the heart!”

“But isn’t that a hero’s job?” he shouted behind her. “I can delay the demon while you—”

“You won’t stand a chance against it.”

But I would, I really would! “Don’t you need a heroic trait to cut up that thing? I’m no hero, I’m just a—”

“Think of something!” Liandra thrust forward, striking the demon’s chest with a piercing attack.

The force of the impact was such that it sent the creature dozens of feet back, but it still wasn’t enough to make it fall. Wings of flame flapped, stopping the inertia, then propelling it forward to perform an attack of its own. As things stood, even Theo revised that he had no choice but to do as he was asked.

There was one last moment of hesitation—an instant in which Theo wondered whether it wouldn’t be better to join in the fight and help Liandra finish the demon off. Just because it was immortal didn’t mean he couldn’t trap it in a room of rock. Then again, seeing how it had dealt with the wardrobe, that probably wouldn’t hold it for long.

This is bullshit! Theo turned around and ran in the direction of the demon’s heart. The moment he saw it, though, a new realization hit him: just because the heart didn’t fight back, didn’t make things much easier. After all, how was he supposed to destroy a demonic organ with the intensity of a small sun that even deities weren’t able to harm?

“Spok,” the dungeon said back in his main body. “Any ideas on destroying a demon heart?”

Destroying a demon heart? The spirit guide repeated the question in the hopes that it had misheard.

“Destroying, slaying, making it stop ticking.”

That might be somewhat of an issue, sir. Demon parts are difficult, some might say impossible, to destroy without divine assistance.

“Liandra said that heroes could do it. I have the heroic trait, right?”

That is an interesting interpretation of natural and supernatural law. In theory, it should be possible, but there’s no precedent of anyone—

“Will it work?”

There’s no way to know, Spok admitted reluctantly. Heroes have the power to slay dungeons and demons, but even then, only powerful heroes can slay powerful demons. While you’re quite strong by dungeon standards, you’re an extremely low-level hero. No doubt you could deal a lot of damage to a fiend, but you’re unlikely to kill it.

That wasn’t what Theo wanted to hear. From what it looked like, things were going from bad to worse: all avatar magic was blocked, he couldn’t transfer newly learned dungeon abilities to his avatar, and apart from everything else, he didn’t have the appropriate level to use his heroic trait adequately.

Destruction thundered a slight distance away as both the red-armored demon and Liandra slammed into parts of the hall. The heroine had changed weapons again, taking out a massive war hammer from some dimensional item, no doubt, and slammed her enemy out of the sky. Sadly, the demon had managed to hit her with a torrent of flames on its way down, thrusting her into the ceiling.

This is the last time I set off on noble quests! Theo told himself. Once I get done with this, I’ll tell that fat good for nothing earl that I don’t give a crap about his stupid thieves! I’ll take all the magic items from his treasury, transform them into energy, then move to some other town, where I’ll finally lead a calm and boring life!

It didn’t take long to reach the spot beneath the demon’s heart, thanks to his swiftness ability. At least, the body part didn’t affect his acquired abilities. Attempting to cast an aether shield, though, proved impossible. No sooner had it started forming that the thin layer of light shattered, crumbling to pieces.

From this distance, Theo was clearly able to see that what he thought to be a sun, was in fact a floating beating heart suspended several hundred feet in the air by a pair of rather large metal cables. Whoever had created that appeared to have a quite good understanding of engineering and heat-resistant materials. Even from this distance, the avatar felt as if he was inside a furnace. Of course, being just an avatar, the heat didn’t cause anything other than fear of having his clothes burn up again.

Starting with the tried and true, Theo created a shelter to protect himself from the sun. The room emerged from the ground, looking like a crude bunker. Stepping into the shade, the dungeon avatar then created a ballista. It was amusing how exploitable the ability was. Since his avatar had learned how to create rooms and furniture, Theo could pretty much create any object he wished.

Bet you didn’t see this coming, “Lord” Mandrake, the avatar thought, as he pushed and pulled the ballista out. Initially, he had wanted to grab the weapon as a giant crossbow, but apparently, he didn’t have the strength for that. Thus, it was back to the tried and true methods of using the device as it was intended.

“Spok, how do I gain strength?” the dungeon asked, while its avatar totated the floor beneath the ballista, so as to get it to aim straight up.

You do it by gaining enough avatar core points to reach the next level, the spirit guide replied. Of course, the abilities you use to increase your level need to be related to the strength category.

That made sense and also explained why Theo was constantly getting mind improvements. Clearly, he had taken his role of wizard to heart. Potentially, that was going to change soon. As soon as he destroyed the demon’s heart with the ballista, he was going to get some bonuses on strength.

After checking that the massive iron tipped bolt was aimed straight at the glowing demon heart, Theo’s avatar fired the ballista. The bolt ripped the air with its characteristic sound then… shattered like a stack of straws upon hitting it.

“You must be kidding.” The avatar frowned. It seemed that Spok was right and ordinary weapons had no effect on the heart. The good news was that the bolt didn’t melt, so the target was hittable, but that was the only good news.

Standing there, arms crossed like a person with no understanding of engines next to an opened hood of a car, Theo glanced over his shoulder where the fighting was still going on in full strength. Based on the amount of flames and destruction, it didn’t seem that any of the sides were letting up. It was difficult to tell who was in the lead. The only thing certain was that the chamber was the huge loser, part of its wall, floor, and ceiling covered with holes like meteor impacts.

“Spok, is there a way to bless a weapon or the head of an arrow?” the dungeon asked.

Of course, as long as you’re a cleric. Or possibly a paladin.

“And how do I become one of those?”

That would be class advancement. Heroes and adventurers get to choose, by the blessing of the deities, upon progressing to level ten. That is the point at which they traditionally get to choose a class that would define the sets of abilities they would obtain further in life. In your case, though, that does pose some interesting questions. Being a dungeon avatar, it’s possible that you aren’t given a class, but rather a selection of skills to choose from. As such, it’s quite possible that you obtain a blessing skill the next time your avatar increases level.

Normally, that would have been good news. However, it also presented a new catch twenty-two. In order for Theo’s avatar to learn to bless, he had to level up by consuming a creature’s core. However, in order to destroy the demon heart, he had to be able to bless a weapon. Potentially, he could seek out some evil guard or minion to slay, but all the creatures had thoughtfully remained in the tunnel beyond the vast chamber. In order to reach them, Theo would have to pass through the war zone, and that wasn’t a good idea.

“Damned cowards,” the avatar grumbled. “They’re supposed to charge mindlessly, not hide safely away!”

There is one other possibility, Spok said back in the dungeon’s main body. You could pray to a deity to bless a weapon for you, sir.

“Pray to a goddess? That’s it?” That sounded rather simple, so simple, in fact, that Theo was certain that there’s more to it. “What’s the catch?”

There is no catch, sir. You just need to pray and if the deity finds your cause worthy, they will bless your weapon for a reasonable amount of time.

“You’re telling me that if I fall down on my knees right now and ask Peris to bless my… ballista bolt—” he added hurriedly in a hushed voice “—she’ll do it?”

Naturally. Provided you’re in a temple or holy land, of course.

Theo wanted to scream.

“Spok, what are the chances of finding holy land close to a gigantic demon heart?!”

Well, not too good, the spirit guide admitted. But you can easily do that here.

“I’m not creating another avatar! Being in two places at once is confusing as it is. Having more—”

You don’t need to, sir, Spok interrupted. You can send Cmyk to ask on your behalf. Since he’s your creation, and someone the goddess Peris is familiar with, it would be rather simple.

As good news as this was, it made Theo cringe. Somehow sending a minion for a blessing sounded incredibly corporate and impersonal the same way emails from the CEO congratulating people for their one year on the job were. Still, if it worked, he was going to go ahead with it. Unfortunately, the issue was that Cmyk had left the building. With the dungeon focusing a greater part of its attention on the avatar, the skeletal minion had spent consistently more and more time having fun with his friends in town.

The notion was laughable, almost ludicrous, and yet for some reason the silent, lazy, artificially created entity had become the life of the party. Pretty much everyone in town knew him, and the few that didn’t had definitely heard of him. The local adventurer guilds had made several attempts to recruit him, shopkeepers had started giving him part of their goods for free, all the inns had a table reserved for when he’d show up, even the city guard would pass by the house to have a chat with him now and again. Even more absurd, because of Theo’s orders that Cmyk clean and maintain Paris’ temple, everyone had started considering the minion extremely devout and spiritual.

Both worried and annoyed, the dungeon looked about. Cmyk wasn’t to be seen in the marketplace or in the immediate vicinity. Given that it was afternoon, he was most likely off “drinking” somewhere.

“Spok, go find him and tell him to go to the temple,” Theo muttered.

I cannot leave the building, sir, the spirit guide explained. As much as I’d like to, and I really would, I am bound to you.

“Just great…”

I could teach you to cast a spell to find him, though.

“Do it!”

ROAMING EYES

Spend 50 energy to create a floating eyeball that conveys everything it sees and hears directly to you. The eyeball is extremely vulnerable to damage.

Without waiting, Theo created a dozen roaming eyes and sent them floating about the city. To his fortune, it didn’t take long for one of the eyes to come upon Cmyk. The minion, of course, was sitting in the Silver Mug—“second best tavern in town”—along with three other adventurers and two lady admirers.

I never should have given you skin, Theo said to himself as he moved the eyeball to the table in question.

“Hello, Cmyk,” he said in a polite voice.

Normally, a flying eyeball making its way through a crowded tavern would have caused questions, if not outright panic. However, since Cmyk was mentioned, everyone took it as something normal, or even amusing.

“I’m sorry to bother you, but there’s a rather urgent matter that—”

“Is that your boss?” Ulf asked, poking the eyeball with a finger.

There wasn’t much strength involved; in fact, the tip of the man’s finger barely touched the surface of the eyeball. However, that proved enough to cause the whole thing to pop out of existence like a soap bubble. Apparently, “extremely vulnerable” wasn’t hyperbole. Still, there were eleven more eyeballs in the town, and now that Theo knew the exact location of his minion, he sent them all there.

“As I was saying,” Theo began once another eyeball had reached the table. “I’d like—”

Pop!

Someone else’s finger popped the eyeball. The same thing happened again and again. Apparently, the group was treating eyeball popping as a sort of drinking game. To make matters worse, the rest of the customers had caught on and were attempting to pop the eyeballs even before they reached the table. By the seventh eyeball, Theo had had enough.

“Listen up!” he shouted, the voice shaking the entire tavern. Instantly, everyone froze. “I happen to be in the middle of a very important conversation with my champion! So, if anyone pops another eyeball, I can easily afford to burn the tavern to the ground ten times over and rebuild it if I want to!”

That definitely caught everyone’s attention. Cmyk might have been a lot more well known, but people had also heard of Baron d’Argent as well, especially how he treated thieves and people he didn’t like.

“Thank you,” Theo said in a passively aggressive fashion, then floated the eyeball to Cmyk’s table again. “So, as I was saying…” the eyeball turned around, glancing at everyone in turn, almost daring them to pop it. No one did. “There is an urgent matter you need to deal with. Once that’s done, you’ll be free to come back here and finish your drink.”

Silence reigned supreme. All eyes were on Cmyk. From the point of view of the minion, it simply stood up and left the tavern to get the work over with as fast as possible. What everyone else saw was a brave warrior, stoically standing up, to fulfill his duty to his wizard master.

Whispers quickly spread, ranging from the implausible to the outright impossible. Some claimed that Cmyk—since he had been referred to as a champion—was probably a bodyguard assassin who served royalty. The task, by common consensus, had to involve dispatching an agent of a wizard adversary, or possibly some hush-hush business relating to the earl.

Since Theo was in no mood for gossip, he quickly moved all the floating eyes away from the tavern and towards his minion.

“I want you to go to Peris’ temple and say a prayer for me,” Theo said through an eyeball.

The minion looked at the eyeball with his typical blank expression.

“Look, you don’t have to do anything but be there. I’ll do the talking.” Come to think of it, maybe I don’t need the minion at all?

Intrigued by this possibility, the dungeon directed one of the eyeballs to the temple. The moment it crossed the threshold, the eye disappeared with a loud pop. Apparently, the temple had also invested in anti-spying, anti-scrying magic. The deities definitely valued their privacy, possibly because they had the ability to spy on everyone else.

It took Cmyk the whole of one minute to reach the temple. That was the good news. The bad news was that he had collected a few tag-alongs on the way—the usual combination of young men wanting to become strong and go on adventures, young women in need of “advice.” When it became obvious that they wouldn't leave Cmyk on their own, Theo had to intervene, muttering a few vague threats. Thankfully, they worked.

“Okay,” the dungeon said in front of the temple. “Just go in and ask Paris to bless my weapons. I’ll remain here.”

Cmyk just shrugged and stepped inside.

The temple had changed considerably since the last time Theo was here. It was in pristine condition and even had a new donation box. The minion made its way to the small altar and knelt down. Ten seconds passed, then half a minute. However, nothing seemed to be happening.

“What’s taking so long?” Theo shouted from the entrance. “Are you doing it right?”

The minion didn’t respond.

“Put your back into it! Pray harder!”

That wasn’t a combination of words that Theo thought he’d ever utter, but here he was. The worst of it was that the life of his avatar, and even his very existence as a dungeon, relied on a lazy ass minion praying properly. Maybe it would be a safer bet to find another way of destroying the demon heart.

“Cmyk?” The statue of the goddess Peris came to life. “What exactly are you trying to do?”

Finally! Theo thought. “He’s trying to pray!” he shouted from the entrance.

“Excuse you?” The statue turned in the direction of the entrance. “Theo? Is that you?”

“Who else could it be?” the dungeon, or rather, the eyeball, grumbled. “I’m in need of your help, but since it seems I can’t enter your temple, I have to use Cmyk to grab your attention.”

“You’re really weird, you know that?” The goddess snapped her fingers. “Come along. I prefer not to be seen having a shouting match with an eyeball.”

Cautiously, Theo moved one of his floating eyes into the temple. After confirming that it didn’t pop, the rest of them followed, gathering in a cluster in front of the goddess.

“I need your help.”

“That much I gathered,” Peris smiled. “What mess did you get yourself into?”

“Oh, just the usual… I went on a journey with a heroine, got attacked by a squadron of flying goblins, then went to a village where a fleet of flying dirigibles emerged from a portal in the sky and started snatching houses from the ground.”

The goddess’s eyes widened in utter disbelief.

“Since Liandra wanted to get to the bottom of this, I got us through the portal, where we ended up near the Mandrake Mountains. Apparently, an evil overlord called Lord Mandrake is building an army to take over the world, or something. Oh, and he’s doing it, powered by the heart of a demon lord that has been left here since the battle between demons and deities.”

Theo very much wanted to add a sarcastic comment or ten concerning the deities and the half-assed job they were doing. If his last life was an indication, however, he knew full well that criticizing someone in power, even with valid cause, never ended well, especially since Thro was the one in need of a favor.

“To cut a long story short. I need your blessing to be able to destroy the heart, so now I’m here, via Cmyk, to pray for it.”

There was a long moment of silence. Regaining her composure, the goddess then nodded a few times, as if going through the story once again in her head.

“Let me get this straight,” Peris said. “Your avatar is currently in the Mandrake Mountains, close to a demon lord’s heart you want to destroy. And in order to do so, you’re using your minion as a prayer-proxy in order to get a blessing that would help you do so?”

“Yep.”

“I must admit, that’s quite a sneaky way of asking for a blessing. And it’s perfectly valid from a logical point of view. Sadly, my blessing alone won’t be able to help you.”

“What?!” All the eyeballs vibrated, creating a strong resonance within the temple.

This was the one thing that Theo didn’t want to hear.