The Girl Wants to Be M*rdered

When I first saw the woman sitting across, I intuitively knew.

No, I couldn’t help but know.

Black hair.
Black eyes.
Brown skin.

—Everything about her was completely out of place in this world.

And more than her appearance, what caught my attention was the sense of transience that seemed like she had no attachments to this world at all.

A pitiful sight, unable to find any meaning in her life.

I thought.

Ah, this person is just like me.

“…..Hehe.”

How many times has this unnie been?

It must be really fun.

Whoosh, a slightly chilly, refreshing wind blew in,

As the squirrel gathered fruits, preparing for the end of the year,

In such a time, a new relationship blossomed in autumn.

I had met a kindred spirit.

Oh my, crawling on all fours in front of a child a few years younger?

Wasn’t that person over 30?

No way, such a person couldn’t possibly be patted on the head by a girl twenty years younger!

Hahaha! Right? That can’t happen!

Hohoho! Exactly!

…

Ah, seriously.

“Uh? Unnie, what’s wrong?”

“…..Nothing. Just, wanting to die.”

“Eh!?”

I felt like burying my head in a mouse hole and just wanting to end it all.

I couldn’t tell if the small hole in front of me was dug by a mouse, but I buried my head deep in it.

Poof.

The soft black soil was colder than I expected.

They say even a mouse hole gets sunlight sometimes, but at this moment, I just wished everything—sun and wind—would turn off.

In such a disgraceful manner, right in front of the child, I hoped for my memory to disappear while my face was buried in the mound of dirt.

Disappear…

Disappear…

But closing my eyes was like poison.

The darkened sight vividly brought back the recent memories, and I kicked the fallen leaves, flailing both legs.

Waaaaah!!!!

—Cough, cough.

“Bunny~ Bunny~ Are you alive or dead?”

“The bunny is dead… so please go away…”

“You’re alive!”

It’s a suicidal wish bunny.

Please don’t show interest carelessly.

However, despite my small wish whispered inside, “Please don’t touch me,” the child just poked me joyfully, as if amused.

Pokey poke.

A gentle smile escaped me at the child’s innocence, but the haunting trauma from earlier loomed over me, making me unable to help but feel gloomy again.

I want to die….

Ten methods for ending my life without pain popped into my head.

But I couldn’t solve anything by burying my head like this forever.

I had no choice but to lift my head, feeling the dirt prick my eyes.

Drip drop,

the oily dirt clung to my hair as it fell away.

Ah, it even got in my mouth.

“—Ptooey… ugh, so bitter…”

“Wow! You’re awake, unnie!”

Like a drenched puppy shaking itself dry, I shook my head back and forth, getting rid of the remaining dirt.

The child squealed, dodging the shower of dirt I was flinging, seemingly enjoying it.

Just a moment of play.

That definitely helped clear my mind a lot.

Thanks to that, I was able to capture in my refreshed sight the image of the child smiling brightly before me.

“Hehehe!”

“…….”

A face I had never seen before in the neighborhood.

If such a child existed, wouldn’t rumors spread beyond the village to the whole country?

The thought alone made the child overwhelming.

Had they traveled from somewhere?

Wearing an oversized white outfit that looked like it was borrowed from an adult,

The sleeves were long enough to cover the child’s hands, fluttering in the wind.

To be honest, it was an outfit that didn’t suit the age.

However, one hand clutching a protruding flower from that fluttering fabric brought an unintentional cuteness that transcended that awkwardness.

Yeah.

Truly, everything felt beautifully dreamlike.

A child with such an appearance was right in front of me, arms wide, spinning around.

And not showing any disdain or fear towards me, just playfully teasing, directing sparkling gazes my way— all of that felt…

“……”

Like a lie.

It was fundamental that most people in this world despised me.

Either because of my unusual hair or the ominous hues I bore, or even the prejudices of people in this world.

Of course. It’s a world where natural phenomena are considered divine, and monsters fit for children’s fairy tales are believed to exist.

To reject what is different and incomprehensible is human nature.

What would happen if a child without any of their ancestor’s colors, with dark hair and eyes, was born?

—Barely able to walk after being born, I was abandoned by the roadside.

Perhaps because I left my parents’ care at a young age, or maybe because I carried no memories of affection, I lived day by day in a haze, forgetting even the faces of my biological parents.

If I were a normal child, my heart would’ve surely folded in that situation.

Or perhaps they had hoped for that from the beginning.

That I would lose all hope in life and wander outside the village to be devoured by wild beasts, hoping for that, maybe?

Though it did not turn out that way, their efforts certainly had a significant impact on me.

Every day felt like one I wanted to die.

But whether it was good fortune or misfortune, I already had the essence of a typical high school student within me.

Was it out of pity, or perhaps a desire not to create a mere corpse, or did they not want to face the truth of killing someone themselves?

I don’t know the truth behind it, but I managed to get by while borrowing the meals they occasionally tossed my way in exchange for helping out.

But even so.

The hateful gazes directed at me.

The town’s people’s indifference that didn’t even engage in regular daily conversations.

Even the few who did speak to me, my weakness was not wanting to inconvenience them.

All of that slowly cornered me.

“—You don’t dislike me.”

“…Huh?”

It was a small statement I had never intended to let out.

That it escaped my mouth was perhaps inevitable.

The child was left dumbfounded by my sudden words. But once the dam broke, my mouth would not close again.

All the built-up resentment, grievances, unfairness surged forth like a flood.

The verbal daggers that had stabbed me were now being spat out from my own mouth.

“Everyone hates me. They say I’m filthy, dirty, and monstrous.”

“….Wow?”

“A monster, don’t you think so too?”

To clarify, those were not words meant for a child.

Just a simple venting of frustration towards an innocent child who knew nothing, rather than aiming at the one who had been showing me kindness.

It was nothing more than an ugly adult’s flailing, no more, no less.

However, as I looked at the child who seemed to be happy every day, smiling brightly, something within me bubbled up—a rage I knew didn’t suit me.

Or perhaps it was jealousy.

I wasn’t reborn by choice.

This color wasn’t something I asked for.

They didn’t understand that color is just color, and it was their error.

Having received this second life, a chance too good for me,

I had never even thought about a happy life.

But at the very least— I wanted to live like a human.

“—Child whose name I don’t know. You don’t dislike me either, right?”

I didn’t expect an answer.

I didn’t wish for anything.

Except for that brief moment when I was born anew in this world, I had never expected anything, as I always felt betrayed by everything.

If that expectation was betrayed, I wouldn’t have the strength to endure any longer.

“……..”

“……..”

The child, understandably, did not respond.

Just with a blank expression, they gazed at me.

I couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of self-loathing looking at that face.

What was I even doing to a passing child?

I really am trash.

I thought I should go back to the village and take a nap to sort myself out.

“I’m sorry, unnie. I think I might have been too troubled.”

“…….”

“So… really, I’m sorry… I’m sorry…”

I bowed my head.

A small apology.

With that, I slowly turned away.

I didn’t ask for a name or leave any feelings behind.

I probably wouldn’t meet again.
If I did, considering how I was treated in the village, the child would surely stay away from me.
Even the people I considered close, even Rumi, were silent in front of others.

So, this was just unavoidable.

Unavoidable.

—Thinking that, I couldn’t accept the fact that the child had grabbed me.

“……!!”

Little hands tightly grasped my clothes.

The strength in that hand was so weak, yet strangely, I couldn’t shake off that touch.

“……..”

“Why….?”

Was it to escape the child’s grip or to ask the reason behind that action?

Having stopped biting my lips, I questioned the child in a trembling voice.

After brushing me off so coldly, why…

Why are you holding onto me?

I wanted to ask.

But the words that came out were too pathetic and short, making me shut my mouth again.

Instead, it was the child who spoke up.

“—You’ve been through a lot.”

“…..!!”

“You’re hurt… umm… you’re really, really in pain.”

Swish, as the hair swayed, I turned with a shocked expression towards the child.

In my realization, the little hand that had grabbed my clothes was already long gone.

Yet my feet showed no signs of moving from their place.

I stood there, merely staring at the child in a daze, unable to process what they had just said.

Just like before, a complete opposite situation.

Pink lips formed a long arc.

“I’ll always be here for you, unnie.”

“……!!”

“So if you’re hurting, come to me.”

I’ll be there with you.

With that last word, the child disappeared into the deep, dark woods.

Where the child had been, a mysterious white flower now bloomed.

As if to proclaim I was not dreaming.

It was flaunting its existence to me.

“….What even is this.”

I stood there, holding the flower in my hand, confused.

For a while, until the sun sank lower.

Stretch.

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