The First Hellhound

I lay down on my bear rug, struggling to fall asleep. I constantly roll around, unable to find a comfortable position. There’s always something that agitates me propping after a few moments. Finally, I give up and stop all attempts. It seems I’m not sleeping tonight, so I look back at the day that passed.

I feel that I’ve spent the time well, all things considered. While my training ended in a fiasco – maybe even embarrassment – the girl talk with Pola and Olka was very informative. And while I benefited the most, Lynxgirl also craved the knowledge – especially how one changes when reaching adulthood. Not surprising since she is going through puberty, which is, apparently, often quite drastic for Beastkin. And young Risitha seems to be a person who prefers to not only be prepared for things, she wants to understand them too. Honestly, as a modern person, it feels truly comforting to have someone with a familiar, rational mode of thinking; someone who embraces empiricism as well – not to mention colse in age. I’m overjoyed over prospect of our continuous friendship in the future.

I’m also overjoyed that I was able to help prepare the Moonberries – despite having my period; in my past life I would’ve been incapacitated – now it’s just an inconvenience. For a moment, I wonder whether Alchemist could’ve just got rid of it completely – but then I remember how the whole thing works. Yep, I don’t think it can be changed so much as to remove it completely, or else my Creator would have done that already. Especially considering they want me to propagate.

I shake that line of thought away and look to the side, where blocks of jelly we made are gathered. They are one of products we made from the berries earlier. That one is made from the flesh of the fruits, scooped out, mashed and cooked, then formed into bricks. It can then be used to make various potions. The skin, on the other hand, is dried and crushed into powder, used primarily as a spice – but it apparently also has some slight medicinal properties, being good for burns or frostbites. Interestingly, if you put the two together, their effects will be stronger than when eating fresh berries. So strong it’s very, very easy to overdose and have a bad trip, or even die.

Anyway, as I lie there and recall the events of today, I suddenly start hearing a quiet sobs. Agitated, I look around. The sound grows stronger and I soon find the source. To my surprise, it comes from… Olka. I walk up to her and indeed – she’s crying in her sleep. I hesitate for a moment, then gently caress her shoulder. “It’s alright” I lean in and whisper to her ear. “It’s just a dream. You are safe and not alone; I am here for you,”

That wakes her up, despite my attempts at being gentle. “Wha…!?” She sits up, slightly confused, staring into my eyes. Then she realises the situation we are in and turns away from me, flustered. “K-Kora! D-don’t look!” She appears to be ashamed of her tears, so I sit next to her and hug her, reassuringly.

“It’s okay to cry. If you let it all out you will feel better” I hold her tightly, calmingly. At first she is struggling weakly, muttering that she doesn’t need consoling etc., but over time, she slowly relaxes and finally leans on me, still quietly weeping, still trying to maintain a strong facade. “See? There’s nothing wrong with feeling those emotions. Let them all out. I am here for you” I encourage her softly. She hesitates initially, but slowly starts talking. She recalls the attack of the dragon, how she hurried to help her family – and how she saw her mother and most of her siblings and friends die. All of it makes the mask young Lynxgirl tried to hide behind crack and crumble, revealing who really has been there all this time: a scared, traumatised young girl, desperately trying to appear strong, independent and collected to the outside world. Soon, she is bawling into my shoulder, overwhelmed by her emotions completely. I pat her back encouragingly – and she continues talking in-between sobs.

“I just… I just cannot stop thinking” she says. “If only I was faster… If only I didn’t hesitate… My mom…” Her voice constantly cracks, until it finally gives away. I cuddle her tighter.

“Shhh…” I coo at her to comfort her and to soothe her pain. I’m not exactly sure what to say to the person clearly suffering from trauma, but… I feel that with her personality and beliefs, speaking plainly, straightforwardly and logically might actually work in this case. And I know I have to say something. “It’s all right now. It’s not your fault. And at the end of a day, you are still just a kid” she tries to meekly protest to that I don’t let her. “Yes, you are not an adult yet. And even if you were – that would change nothing

. There are situation even adults cannot help with” I go back to the memories of my past life, remembering my own struggle and trying to emulate my parents’ feelings in my head; I realise I understand helplessness to the core of my being – and I understand what Olka has been going through. I finally know what to say.

“You are very brave and caring. And you did everything you could do. It’s just that sometimes even our best efforts are not enough” melancholy seeps into every word I say. “There is no god who is a rightful judge, the one who rewards good and punishes evil in the world. And you know it” I take a deep breath, as Risitha looks at me in complete silence. It’s as if entire world stopped existing for a moment, waiting for my next words along with her. I close my eyes for a moment and look down. Our eyes meet. “I get what you are going through. I would like to talk to my mom once more, too” a tear falls on Olka’s face – and I notice I’m crying as well, as a realisation strikes me. “I miss my parents too. I miss my friends. But life’s not fair. It’s not logical. There is nothing guiding our fate. But it’s not a bad thing!” I close my eyes and take a deep breath; I feel it’s not only Lynxgirl who needs to hear it – I need to say it out loud as well. “No one can change the past, the future is unknown, and the present can be overwhelming – but we don’t need to deal with all of that alone. There are always people you can confide with. People who will listen. People, who will help you. Keeping the facade of strength will only make problems worse, when emotions you lock in finally spill and destroy you. So let it all out. There are no negative emotions – they are there for a reason. So let them out” I look her deeply in the eyes. “Let it all out and be free of your burdens – to grasp a better future, for it is up to us what it will look like!”

They say that eyes are mirrors of the soul – I think I get it now, as I stare deeply into Olka’s. A plethora of emotions rushes through them. They all merge together – and I can feel them too. We both start crying out our fears, our pain, our grief; I didn’t consider how stressful death and rebirth in another world really are. I focused so much on the thrill of surviving and the joy of getting to know this place and it’s inhabitants, that the pain and shock I experienced and the reality of my situation eluded me.

Until tonight. Tonight it all hit me and I let it all out – along my friend, who let all of her pain out too. There is no need for words between us, for the bond we share makes physical closeness the only thing we need. We stay connected like that for an unknown time. Finally, Olka falls asleep on my lap; tears still flow from beyond her eyelids, but at least there is a faint outline of a smile on her face. As I coddle her head, I notice another presence watching – so I turn to the side.

Obscured by darkness – but still somewhat visible to my eyes – is Nugund, standing by the entrance to the chamber, watching us quietly. His face presents a mesh of complex feelings I cannot recognise from the distance in this twilight – I wonder how much of my speech did he hear? I get a feeling that probably most of it. I remind myself of his loss – even greater than Risitha’s. And yet… I can see a connection between him and me; a connection that was always there, but neither of us could truly comprehend. Until now.

“You possess great wisdom, Kora of the Wilds, uncanny for someone so young” he finally breaks the silence for a moment. He’s clearly searching for right words, so I give him time. "I want… I need to talk to you. Would you… would you follow me?” There’s a tension and uncertainty in his voice, as well as a degree of vulnerability I was not expecting. I gently put Olka down, tug her in and caress her head, careful not to wake her.

“Lead the way” I say quietly and softly as I stand up. Volkhlun nods and moves as soon as I’m ready. I follow him through the caverns, as he goes to the parts I haven’t fully explored; I quickly realise that we are going to one of the exits I’ve noticed earlier, but did not go to yet – to be fair, I’ve only been to two (or three, if you count the secret passage) of them. Soon we reach the outside – and a view, picturesque even in the darkness of the night, enters my eyes. A small, yet surprisingly spacious cliff and a few small springs – hot springs – with a small patches of bushes bearing red, dimly glowing fruits around them, with a background of mountain vista, looks extremely atmospheric and beautiful, even romantic; I did not expect the grizzled hunter to be so tender and dainty.

Speaking of, I notice him sitting down, hanging his legs over the ledge. He then turns to me and invites me beside him with a gesture – and I accept. Soon I am beside him, our legs dangling over the precipice. We stay silent – he, looking for the right words, and me, giving him enough time to find them. There is a reason he wanted to show me this awe-inspiring scenery. I wait, listening to the sounds of the nature – the sounds of the mountains. I feel humbled in the face of their eternal serenity; it’s not a bad feeling, and it reminds me of fragility of my existence: even my apparent lifespan of two thousand years will pass – but the peaks I see now will prevail.

I’m grateful for my second life.

“I have to thank you, Kora of the Wilds” Wolfman finally breaks the silence and my ruminations. I look to the side and meet his eyes. For the first time I see a spark of life in them – as if Nugund was dead inside all this time, only now returning to the world of the living; then he looks up. “You remind me so much of everyone I loved in my life… and you remind me why they would be disappointed if they saw me even a few days ago” he takes a deep breath and chuckles, melancholically. “What you said about the past, present and future… it was something I needed to hear. It is what tipped the scales for me – what allowed me to move forward” he pauses for a moment and looks at me again; his eyes swirl with emotions. “It started soon after we met, after Olka and you broke down the… mystique of our quest” he smiles wryly. “I didn’t want to believe, but… one can escape reality only for so long. Deep down I knew the truth – but I just couldn’t accept it. That’s because” he takes the biggest breath yet. “I didn’t want to live

.”

I grab his hand and he smiles to that; it is clear this confession cost him a lot. But he’s not finished yet. “Then our training happened… or rather it ended... and you did it, which finally pushed me beyond the cage I put myself in. That’s why I went scouting – I needed time and solitude to think all of that through” he nods – then smiles at me, charmingly. “And I did. I finally sorted out my feelings” he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath; there’s tension in the air – a tension of expectations. Finally he faces me, with a serious expression. “Kora of the Wilds – I want to be with you.”