The Detective is Already Dead

Chapter 51: Chapter 2.1

Hmm. So you're my producer, are you?

"I smell another woman."

Out of the frying pan, into the fire. We'd solved one case, but that didn't mean all the trouble was over. Right after Natsunagi and Hel had resolved their business, Yui Saikawa the super idol had turned up on my doorstep with a new problem.

This sort of thing had happened before, hadn't it? Not only that, but due to a certain situation, she'd appointed me her producer.

"Saikawa, don't go around sniffing my apartment."

Saikawa was making snuffling noises like a puppy, and I gave her a disapproving look. We'd just been talking about a serious issue, and now this? Maybe I shouldn't have let her in?

"Hm. I'm picking up a suspicious scent from this direction." "I told you, knock it off."

Saikawa was just about to open the door to my bedroom, and I gave her a little shove.

"Ow! Kimizuka, you're the only person anywhere who'd hit the world's most adorable super idol." Tears beaded in her eyes as she pressed a hand to her head.

"Adorably irritating" is a more accurate descriptor than "adorable," I thought as I told her off. "That's my bedroom. No trespassing."

"It's fine. I took a shower before I came." "I don't get why that would make it okay."

Besides, more importantly... "Natsunagi's sleeping in there. Don't disturb her."

Sharing her memories with Hel had been a stressful experience, and she still hadn't woken up.

"Oh-ho? Kimizuka, have you finally become a man?"

"What is wrong with you? It's a complicated situation, all right?" I wanted to fill her in on stuff, that situation included, so I wished she'd hurry up and

get back to her seat.

"I'm sorry to keep you waiting."

Just then, SIESTA emerged from the kitchen, carrying a tray with tea for three on it. Even though I knew she wasn't the real one, the sight of Siesta in a maid outfit serving us from my kitchen was certainly a thing.

"Unpleasant gaze detected. I will eliminate the source immediately." "Don't go full android on me. Put that gun down right now."

"Hmm. Your couples' comedy routine is alive and well, I see. You're making me a little jealous over here."

"It's not a competition, Saikawa. Let's get back on topic." As we drank our tea, I shifted the conversation back to what we'd originally been talking about. "So, is it true? Your parents are suspected of fraudulent accounting?"

That was what Saikawa had told me ten minutes earlier, when she'd stopped by out of the blue.

Saikawa's wealthy parents were suspected of having conducted some sort of illegal accounting. It was just now coming to light.

"...Yes. Well, I don't know the whole truth yet, but the news will probably be on TV and online tomorrow. The media are already swarming my house." Saikawa took a sip of her tea. She looked a little discouraged.

"I see... And so you escaped over here in the middle of the night?" That had been Ms. Fuubi's second piece of bad news.

Bat's jailbreak, and the scandal involving Saikawa's parents: Both were problems I couldn't afford to ignore.

"Yes. I'm looking for a place that will shelter me for a little while."

I see. So this was a request from a client. But... "Wouldn't it be better to ask Natsunagi about that?" If she was going to be a freeloader, staying with Natsunagi would be a more convenient option than staying with a guy. Besides, at this point, she'd gladly lend Saikawa a hand as a detective.

"Yes, you're right. And so what I want you to do, Kimizuka, is be my producer," she said, finally getting back to the initial subject. "It's going to be hard to go home or visit my agency for a while. I thought it might be faster to have you take over as producer."

"Saikawa, are you trying to fob off an insane odd job on me?" I mean, I wasn't trying to belittle the production industry by calling it an odd job, but come on.

"Congratulations, Kimizuka. Starting today, you are both the ace

detective's assistant and an idol singer's producer."

"Yeah, I sure feel like a winner..." I slumped back in my chair, sighing. "I guess I could do it, though."

"...Huh? You will? You stopped fighting that really fast."

Yeah, because pacing is important with stuff like this. That was something Siesta had told me to "work on improving" multiple times way back when.

"If I'm going to be your producer, then I'll have to stick close to you, right? The security at this place isn't good enough to really protect you, though."

After all, this building was thirty years old. It didn't have automatic locks, and the toilets didn't even come with the standard bidet function. My apartment was a cheap one-bedroom; the rent was only 36,000 yen.

"In that case, you're welcome to use my house," SIESTA offered. "It has a decent number of rooms, plus a stock of groceries and daily necessities. The security is stricter than a downtown high-rise apartment building. It's entirely underground, and I lived there in secret for close to a year without being detected."

"I see. The room where you had us locked up, huh?"

In terms of space and safety, that place did sound as if it would fit the bill. Besides, there was one other thing I needed to be concerned about right now: Bat.

Natsunagi and I were his enemies. Now that he'd broken out of jail, we should probably lie low until we knew what he was planning... I'd also just been thinking it would be nice to get a break from my summer classes, so this was perfect.

"I see. So we'll be cohabiting?" Saikawa murmured, putting a fingertip to her chin.

Cohabiting—Siesta had joked about that with me lots of times. For three whole years, it had been just the two of us on that dizzying journey with no clear destination. It was true that we'd spent several nights under one roof. She always got such a kick out of that. She'd smiled at me and called it "cohabiting." But I'd always responded the same way.

"We're just strategic roommates."

"I heard everything!" Just then, with a click, the door behind us opened. "...Natsunagi, don't interrupt me when I'm sounding cool."

We'd been right in the middle of the scene where my melancholy,

sentimental profile stole the spotlight.

"I heard 'cohabitation,' and it just happened. It's a fun word." Natsunagi joined us at the kitchen table.

...Geez, she's always like this. She didn't seem tense at all. "Is everything okay now?" I asked casually. I meant her health and the past she'd just learned about, plus her resolution to become the ace detective.

"Yeah. It's okay."

It was just a brief exchange. However, from Natsunagi's clear, determined profile, I could tell she wasn't lying.

She'd shouldered Siesta's will...and probably Alicia's as well. In front of that mirror, she'd settled accounts with her past.

"Now then, to recap—for now, we'll shelter Saikawa and move into SIESTA's hideout. Any objections?" Attempting to wrap up the discussion, I checked with SIESTA, Natsunagi, and Saikawa.

"Except for the fact that you're taking charge of a discussion regarding the use of my house, I have no complaints."

"As long as I ignore the fact that you're acting like the protagonist even though I'm the detective, no objections here."

"If I said I wasn't afraid to live under the same roof as Kimizuka, I'd be lying, but I'll put up with it!"

"...Great. So we're all agreed."

And that's how the four of us began strategically rooming together.

"No, I have—!!!"

A sullen-looking blond agent burst in immediately afterward, but that's another story.

Use proper Japanese

The next morning.

"—! I'm terribly sorry... I would— Yes, I'd like to refrain from giving an official response regarding that matter... Yes, if you'll excuse me."

The producer's lackluster apology echoed in an underground room.

The only thing I could really do was keep telling the unseen people on the other end of the line that I was sorry. I didn't know if there was actually any point to this; I was acting on my employer's orders... Seems like I've always

been somebody's employee.

So, yesterday evening, I'd moved to SIESTA's hideout. Early in the morning, after a nap, I'd started doing the work Saikawa had assigned to me. Every few minutes, somebody called the cell phone she'd given me with questions about the scandal or messages about jobs.

As an aside, SIESTA, the master of this house, had been gone since last night. She'd said she was concerned about Bat's movements. I'd offered to help her, but she'd told me to "just concentrate on being Yui Saikawa's producer," and so here I was.

" 'Labor is evil,' huh..." Finally managing to hang up, I sighed, gazing at the cell phone.

There was no way I could have successfully learned how to be an idol singer's producer in a day. Without the magic words "my supervisor is currently absent," I would've snapped under the stress and smashed the phone on the floor by now.

"...Man, this is ugly." I shot a sidelong glance at the variety show on the living room TV.

As Saikawa had predicted yesterday, they were discussing her parents' scandal. A commentator who wasn't any sort of expert was throwing out all sorts of wild guesses and insisting that Saikawa herself had an obligation to explain.

"Oh, shut up, dude. Don't you talk about Saikawa." My irritation got the better of me; I yanked the cord out of the wall, and the TV went dark.

"...Haaah. I guess I'd better go wake them up."

When I looked at the clock, it was almost noon, but there was still no sign of the other three. For starters, I headed for the room where Natsunagi and Saikawa were sleeping.

"Heeey, it's almost...noon...?"

The first thing I saw when I stepped inside was two girls lying in bed. The covers had slipped off just a bit to reveal Natsunagi hugging Saikawa to her like a stuffed animal. Both girls were in their pajamas. They were breathing peacefully, and their tranquil faces were so sacred I wanted to gaze at them forever—but that wasn't why I was here.

"C'mon. I'll make breakfast for you, so get up already." They were both out cold, but I shook them awake.

"Mm... Breeeakfast? I want Schau Essen sausageees..." Natsunagi finally

made it back from dreamland, rubbing her eyes.

"We don't have Schau Essen, but we've got regular wieners, so hurry and wake up."

"Yaaawn... Mm, I want to eat thaaat... Kimizuka's wieneeer..." "Natsunagi, go wash your face already. I'll pretend I didn't hear that." "Nooo, no, Natsunagiii... Kimizuka's Kimizuka is more a fiiish sausage

than a wieneeer..."

"Saikawa, you can't say stuff like that just because you're half asleep, all right? Wait, this means you even make fun of me subconsciously."

I yanked the covers off them, then turned the thermostat down to eighteen degrees Celsius and left the room.

Charlie was next.

Since there were only two bedrooms, we'd played rock-paper-scissors to decide who'd sleep where last night. Unfortunately, I'd ended up sharing with Charlie. She slept way rougher than I'd thought, and she'd kept waking me up. But now she was trying to sleep.

As I was plotting the best way to get my revenge, I opened the bedroom door and saw—

"Charlie, what the heck are you doing?"

Charlie had her face buried in a pillow and was sniffing it loudly. "That's the pillow I was using..."

"K-Kimizuka?! Oh— Th-this isn't what it looks like! You've got it all wrong!"

"...Uh. Well, you know. Different people have different, uh, preferences, so, yeah..."

"Hey, don't take this so seriously! At least get mad! Hey! Look at me! Stop acting so uncomfortable!" Sweating bullets, Charlie desperately struggled to explain herself. "That wasn't it! I thought I caught Ma'am's scent on this pillow! That's the only reason I was smelling it!"

"...I think that might also be a problem."

"—! That does it! I'll have to steal your memories!" With a wild gleam in her eyes, Charlie tried to shove me down onto the bed. "Sorry to do this when you just got your memories back, but I'm taking eighteen years' worth of knowledge and experience!"

"That's too much! Are you planning to turn me into an adult-size baby?" "Don't worry. I don't know about Nagisa, but that'll probably suit Yui's

tastes nicely."

"Hey, what sort of tastes are you assigning your friends?"

Charlie roughly pushed me down onto the bed. "Just give up." She leaned over me, her face red with anger and agitation, and just then—

"What are you two doing?"

The door stood open. Saikawa was watching us coldly. "Are you one of those 'frenemy couples'?"

" "No!" "

We accidentally spoke in unison. We couldn't afford to match up on anything else.

"Saikawa, that's not it. You've got it all wrong!"

Then, as I was trying to fumble my way through an excuse... "—Double. Kill."

Natsunagi looked down on us with eyes so frigid it made the air- conditioning seem lukewarm. Then she walked out, slamming the door behind her.

"Th-this isn't that, Nagisa! It was an assident!" "You mean 'accident'!!!"

Later on, the assistant ate and enjoyed it

After the "rise and shine" mess was over... "I see it now."

Natsunagi was standing in the kitchen wearing an apron. She was holding a ladle like a professional baseball player predicting her home run, and her eyes were narrowed keenly. When I'd started getting ready to make breakfast after that earlier trouble, she'd insisted on taking over for me.

She hadn't been the only one.

"Can you even cook, Nagisa?" Charlie goaded her, also wearing an apron. "Charlie...I'd never lose to you!"

"Huh. Then should we settle our score here and now?"

The two of them glared daggers at each other in front of the sink.

"Those two never seem to get along, do they?" Behind them, Saikawa murmured. She had her elbows propped on the table, with her chin resting in her hands. Natsunagi and Charlie had met about a week ago on that cruise and quarreled over Siesta.

"Having a cooking showdown as a proxy battle seems like a weird idea, but..."

I was at the table with Saikawa, watching the other two with a distant look in my eyes. They'd appointed us as judges for their contest... If their relationship had progressed to the fighting stage, though, this couldn't be all bad. It seemed a lot healthier than feeling awkward about things that had happened a year ago, anyway.

"Well, I can't imagine I'd lose to a girl like you, Nagisa." Charlie combed her fingers through the blond hair she was so proud of.

"—! I'm the one who's going to capture Kimizuka's heart through his stomach!" Natsunagi retorted impulsively, but...

"...? Huh? What kind of contest was this again?"

"I was joking," she muttered quickly, then turned to face forward. "Kimizuka, can we get a quote about how incredibly cute Nagisa just

was?"

"I didn't hear it. I couldn't hear a thing." Instead, I turned to Natsunagi. "By the way, what are you making?"

"A sauté of blue Breton lobster and seasonal vegetables with mousseline sauce, maybe?"

"Are you planning to turn this into a cooking battle manga?"

Ignoring me, Natsunagi got a red lobster out of the fridge. Wait, she's actually got the ingredients for that? Siesta eats way too well.

"...Um, so. Get good and hungry while you wait."

Turning back around, Natsunagi winked and pointed the ladle at me.

"That's weird."

More than half an hour later, Natsunagi was floundering in the kitchen. She was watching the microwave. Inside it, something that used to be food was writhing like a black monster, apparently trying to burst out through the door. It was a disaster.

"But as long as I don't open this door, we can't say for sure that I messed it up, can we?"

"This isn't Schr?dinger's cat. You've gotta open it sometime."

Is she planning to make it so we can never use the microwave again?

"Ngh, I always make my own lunches, even..." Natsunagi's shoulders slumped with dejection.

"Honestly! If you hadn't tried to get so fancy out of nowhere, this wouldn't have happened." Charlie gave a disgusted snort at the mess. "I'll make you some regular fried rice, so just sit tight."

She pointed the frying pan at us as if it were a gun, then twirled back to the stove.

"That's weird." Charlie stood in front of the stove, racking her brains.

It had been another thirty minutes, and—I can't say I was surprised—there was a mound of scorched black stuff in the frying pan.

"Maybe it's one of those things that looks unfortunate but tastes surprisingly good?"

"If you really think that, eat it yourself. Don't keep glancing at me."

Sorry, but I'm completely sick of those two-panel, instant punchline comics.

"...I'm always busy, so I can't cook for myself."

Maybe living that way was part of being an agent. Charlie fidgeted with her hair, making excuses.

"Geez. This is going nowhere." Just then, our savior arrived.

"It's lunchtime already. I'll do it!" Rising from her judge's chair, Saikawa tied on an apron and headed for the kitchen. "I'd like to have something ready to eat on hand too, so I'll make curry. Nagisa, you cut up the meat. Charlie, steam another batch of rice, please." Saikawa began dicing vegetables with a practiced hand.

"O-okay..." "Um, sure..."

Shoulders hunched in embarrassment, Natsunagi and Charlie accepted Saikawa's orders.

"Why is it that Saikawa always ends up being the most reliable one?" She was the only middle schooler in this group, too...

Saikawa overheard my mutter. "Heh-heh! I've been through quite a lot, you know." She glanced at me over her shoulder, smiling wryly, and kept right on cutting vegetables as she did it.

Saikawa had lost her parents three years ago. I wondered suddenly if that was when she'd started cooking for herself.

"So I'm two steps ahead of both of you—younger and better at

housekeeping."

However, that glimpse of what she'd been through only lasted a moment before Saikawa began taunting the older girls... I don't even have to tell you what the results were.

"Yui?"

"Uh, Yui?"

She was between two pairs of eyes glaring daggers that could have killed a wild animal.

"...K-Kimizuka. They're scaring me..." "Yeah, that's one hundred percent your fault."

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