The Broken Prince's Love

Lucille's heart broke when Cedar saw whatever was in that box.

For a moment, his expression lacked the usual smile, and he was honest for once. There was so much pain on his face. Pain, grief, fury and much more. The complexity of that emotion had to be similar to how confusing what he felt for his mother was

Lucille just wanted to jump up to run into his arms. But then she saw how his rage took over. She had actually thought that he would hurt the man that Camille had sent, and she wouldn't have blamed him.

But Cedar calmed down again. His smile was brighter than the sun, but he composed himself enough to walk away without breaking someone's neck. He just positioned himself in the corner and stared at a window.

Lucille could only watch how the other people left the room quickly after that. She had caught one glimpse of the item within the box, and she wished that she hadn't. She wasn't sure what this thing was. But if something like a metal skewer was here while Cedar mentioned his mother not knowing how it felt, it had probably been more painful than anything she had ever experienced.

Seconds after the guards were gone, the emperor also prepared to leave. He made eye contact with Lucille before doing that. “Lady Valerian. We will leave you alone now, and it would be good if you can offer him some company.”

Lucille hurriedly nodded while waiting for the others to go. As soon as they were alone in the room, she walked closer to him. She was hesitant and didn't know how to approach him. He faced the wall, so he probably didn't want her to see his face. Did he want to be alone too? She couldn't be sure and asking might be unfavorable. So, she slowly moved to him.

Cedar was always on edge and ready to defend himself, right? Then he would certainly hear her coming too. If he wanted her to stay away, he would probably give her a sign.

So, she got closer and always waited for a few seconds to make sure that she could listen to him if he spoke. But he didn't say anything until she reached him. She stopped right behind him. For a moment, she tried to hold back but quickly noticed that she wouldn't be able to do so.

Lucille put her arms around him and slowly squeezed him while leaning against his back. It was completely silent for a while. Only her own heartbeat sounded in her ears. She felt Cedar's warmth and hoped that she could give him some of the comfort he offered to her often. She remained in that position. She was sure that several minutes passed until Cedar spoke up in a whisper.

“Again? Aren't you dealing with me being overemotional too often lately? I barely consoled you in the past few weeks and seem to ask for far more of your time in return.” That wasn't true. He had always been there when she had felt unwell.

It was only natural that Lucille would return that favor. She whispered her response in the softest tone she could muster. “Isn't it good if I'm not upset too often? You have a much harder life than I do, so...it's fine for you to vent sometimes. I care about you, so let me help you.”

Cedar let out a little huff. “I vent by training. That is the easiest option. I lose my energy like this and clear my mind. I don't know why hugging you helps though. And apparently, just you hugging me is fine too. Maybe you are a mage.” He was trying to sound calm again, and anyone who didn't know him would believe him.

But Lucille wouldn't be fooled. She knew that he wasn't in a good mood. Cedar was probably beyond terrified by whatever he had seen, but he wouldn't admit it. So, she would have to find a way to calm him. She wasn't sure how to do that, but she did her best. Her voice was quiet when she hesitantly spoke up. “Do you think talking about it might help you?”

Cedar chuckled this time, but it was the most bitter chuckle she had ever heard. “I never talk about things like this. There isn't much you can do even if you know that a lot went wrong in my childhood. Besides, I don't care anymore. The past is in the past. There is no need to hold on to that.”

Lucille slowly shook her head before pressing her forehead against his back again. “That's not true. The past influences everything in the present. You can move past something, but it won't be erased. And you know that what happened still bothers you. I won't force you to do anything. You can do whatever you think will help you the most. If you want to say it, open up without being worried about whether I would judge you because I won't. If you don't want to tell me, I'll do my best to help you in other ways.”

But in all honesty, she wanted to know. She wanted to know what Cedar had gone through, and she wanted to help him. She truly doubted that he would tell her everything, but maybe she would learn about bits and pieces of his past.

Cedar was quiet for so long that she wasn't sure whether he thought about her offer or whether he was annoyed. But when he spoke up, his voice lacked any anger that it could have had. “I overreacted because of that box. You don't need to worry. This is nothing that can hurt me now. I was just surprised by that. That was why I lost my composure for a moment. It won't happen again. I apologize for that. It's discourteous to raise your voice in front of others.” Why was he worrying about that?

Lucille turned her head to the side to be able to speak without slurring her words. “That doesn't matter, Cedar. We all saw that that was because of whatever she sent you. Why would she do that? She is a terrible person, and she is at fault for purposefully showing you something that would upset you. You never lose your composure, and even now, you didn't. You didn't yell at all, and you also didn't attack anyone. So, please don't tell me that you overreacted. You have the right to show your emotions when you are upset. Especially when someone scared you on purpose. And I can't just not worry when people are trying to hurt you like that.”

The seconds after that passed in silence again.

Cedar slowly moved a bit. He put his arm onto Lucille's, which still rested around his body, and continued to stare straight ahead as if he wasn't affected. But when he spoke up, he sounded like he was defeated. “She was trying to hurt me with this, wasn't she? How ironic. She always claims to love me but coincidentally forgets about it whenever she needs to be cruel for a while. And then a moment later, she hugs me again. It's ridiculous how quickly she switches. Sometimes, it feels like she has a split personality.”

Lucille tensed when she heard that. He was opening up to her. He certainly wouldn't say everything, but he had begun to voice what he was thinking. This was wonderful. She stayed quiet and gave her best to suck in every word so that she could console him when he was done, but nothing had prepared her for the heartbreaking things Cedar said.

He spoke in a whisper and probably held back as much as he revealed, but he told Lucille about what he was feeling. “I lived for Mother. I did whatever she told me to do. I did everything to get praised by her, and when she was discontent, I would apologize until she forgave me. Didn't I do everything right? I can't remember that I ever did something she truly disliked. But that didn't make her nicer. So, I allowed myself to be a bit more selfish. I sometimes played with Theodore when we were children because Althea brought us together. When Mother found out about that, she almost broke my bones by holding me in a hug until I swore that I wouldn't do it anymore. Later, I sneaked out into the city, and when I came back, a nightmare waited for me. But I endured all of that until the very end. I even sat with her in confinement for six years. When we got out again, I continued to listen to her because she wanted nothing more than to make me emperor.”

There was both rage and sadness in his tone. But more than that, frustration outweighed everything.

Cedar was quiet after that.

For a moment, it seemed like he would quickly shut the doors he had opened again, but he continued once more. “And at that point, I started refuting what she said. I became more and more independent and did what I wanted. Then I completely refused to follow her orders when she wanted me to do something disgusting. Now I ran away. But those cases weigh much less than two decades of absolute obedience, right? I only found the strength to refuse because doing what she wanted never helped me. So, why does she still act like I never did anything for her? I always wanted to make her proud. And what does she do when I have enough and run away? She doesn't shower me with real affection. She reminds me of how she hurt me.”

That wasn't anything new. And while he always pretended to be so strong, this left its mark on him too.

Cedar let out a shaky breath. “Does she really not feel even a bit of remorse? I hate hurting her. I hate it when she looks at me with despair in her gaze. Even now, I almost can't bear pushing her aside.” He let out a chuckle that was dripping with bitterness. “Isn't that normal when you care for someone? Then why doesn't she care for me even a single bit? If I'm happy, she is discontent just because I like talking to another person and tries to kill them. And then she sends me something to remind me of the worst times in my life. Something that could trigger me if I didn't control myself. Does she hate me that much? If so, what did I do wrong? Wasn't following her every whim enough? Was wanting even a little freedom not alright? Was that too selfish?” His voice got weaker with every word, and in the end, he just barely whispered the last sentence. He had to be in so much pain, and his words underlined all of that.

And even though he had suffered, Lucille felt like she was hurting as much as he was at that moment. Just hearing how he blamed himself for his mother's insanity broke her heart. She tightened her hold on him and shook her head before pressing out what she needed to say. “Don't say that!” She dug her fingers into his arms and almost shook him a little while telling him what she deemed to be the most important thing. “None of this is your fault. There is no need for you to do anything to please her. You don't have to obey, and you don't owe her anything. She was the one that didn't give you what you deserve. A mother should always give her child love and not manipulate you into doing what she wants. Now that you're grown up, you can finally cut all ties to her. If she can't grasp her own happiness, that's not your problem. You are a wonderful person, and everyone spending time with you will notice. Don't blame yourself for what she did.”

And she had said something wrong again. She should have known that this small moment of weakness would be covered up quickly. Reminding Cedar that he wasn't at fault was the easiest way to do it.

Cedar was quiet for a moment. Then he laughed again, and it was obvious that his fake, bright smile was gracing his face again. “You keep saying that I'm a good person. I think only you share that opinion. You don't know what I'm capable of.” He slowly grabbed her hand and tried to push her away.

Normally, one should immediately let go if the other person told you to stop, but Lucille couldn't bring herself to do that at this moment. She only used more force to hold onto him, even if she suspected that Cedar would have been able to get rid of her in a single motion if he wanted to. “That's not true. Even if you did bad things, that was all because of your mother. If you know what you did wrong, you won't do it again. That means that you aren't a bad person. And others know that as well. His and Her Majesty think that too, or they wouldn't let you live here.”

Cedar let out a snort. “Sure. Theodore and Blanche are the two people who adore me most in the whole world. They may act kind now, but I can assure you that they are only worried about what I might do.”

Lucille hurried to shake her head again. “Don't say things like that. They really do care. You might not notice it, but they show it often enough in their actions. They do everything they can to help you. They care, and they like you. And there are many other people that think you're wonderful too.”

Cedar didn't try to wench away her arm, for which she was thankful, but he still didn't listen to a word of what she said. “Like who? Name a single person here who is as naive as you are.” It was obvious what he was doing. He noticed that he had allowed her to get too close, and now he wanted to push her away to make up for it.

Lucille wouldn't let him do that. “I'm naive, I know that. But I'm right about believing in you, and I'm not alone. Most don't know how great you are because you let no one close, but everyone who spent more time with you knows. Althea knew too, right? Otherwise, she wouldn't have been so kind to you and wouldn't have allowed you to play with your brother. And others as well. Harris is your friend too, right? That servant you always talk to when you meet.”

Cedar chuckled again. He kept his head turned forward and stared at the wall while talking. “You don't really know much about that. Do you want to hear about how Harris and I met? I blackmailed him into doing what I wanted. He would give me information from the palace and stir up some trouble. In return, I would refrain from harming his beloved. Does that sound like a nice deal someone would offer?” Of course, it didn't.

But Lucille knew that there was more to it. She would have believed in Cedar anyway, but in this case, she even had evidence. “Her Majesty said that you never actually hurt anyone even when Harris didn't listen. Your mother was the one who ended up using poison. So, you didn't do anything bad here either.”

Cedar stayed quiet for a moment before replying with an undefinable tone in his voice. “Her Majesty talks a lot about me. Did she tell you my whole life story? I remember her complaining about me because I was too chatty for her. How odd.”

Lucille quickly corrected that statement. Blanche had been very open about wanting to help them, and there was no need to hide that. “Her Majesty wants me to know as much as possible about you so that I don't misunderstand. Because she knows that misunderstandings are the worst. But I wouldn't even need to know that to be sure that you are a good person because I met you often enough. We spent so much time together that I know better than anyone else.” Maybe that was exaggerated, but she needed to make him understand now.

The prince was silent for a bit too long. He would do his best to put up some new defenses now, that was obvious. So, it wasn't surprising when his voice suddenly sounded chipper. “What if that was all an act?”

Lucille almost didn't want to ask. “What?”

“What if I just spent time with you to gain your trust? So that I could act like I cared about someone and make Theodore believe that I changed. Just so that he would be careless around me and I could kill him in the end. I purposefully influenced you from the very moment that we met. I know a little about your family situation. Coming to the conclusion that you would have sympathy for me was easy. I could just have put on an act to make you think that I was weak and vulnerable. And you are trying to console me now. What if you caring for me was just a plot from my side and I don't actually feel anything I told you about?” He was saying strange things again. He truly did his best to push her away.

Lucille pressed her lips into a line before turning her head to the side. She leaned her head against Cedar's back and forced herself to speak steadily when she gave her reply. “I wouldn't be happy about that. But there is no need to talk about ‘what if’. Because you didn't lie to me. I would know. I saw how you interact with people in public. There is a great difference between how you act when you want to gain someone's trust and when you end up being honest. The fact that I'm still here hugging you proves that you like me at least a tiny bit. Otherwise, you would never have allowed me to stay here.” She was quiet for a few seconds before adding the next part in a whisper. “You also wouldn't have told me about what was going on inside your head.”

Cedar relaxed a little in her arms. Still, he stayed somewhat tense and didn't give up yet. “Maybe that was all part of some elaborate scheme. Maybe I'm just acting vulnerable around you so that my mother seems like the bad one while I am able to roam around freely. I could easily wait for her to kill my brother while I am being seen as Theodore's ally and can take the throne without anyone complaining. Doesn't that sound more logical than me, the psychopathic prince, suddenly gaining self-awareness? Maybe this plan is just working so well that you can't even see that you are being manipulated.”

Lucille would have liked to say that she could be certain that this wasn't it, but she had no guarantee. She could only rely on her feelings, and they clearly told her that what happened between her and Cedar was real. “Are you acting?” Her voice sounded too uncertain for her liking, but it was enough.

Silence followed.

If Cedar had been acting and wanted to tell her that, he would have done it now. But he didn't speak. He hadn't acted. He just didn't want to admit it.

Lucille allowed herself to loosen her hold on him a little so that she wasn't crushing his torso anymore, even if she doubted that she had really hurt him. “See? You hate being vulnerable. I could imagine you opening up about how you dislike your brother to gain some sympathy, but I doubt that you would even want to do that unless you were forced to. After all, you hate being pitied. No matter what, you would never tell others what you told me now. You can be certain that I won't tell anyone else either. Because I'm on your side. You can stop trying to push me away like this.” Her voice had been weaker than intended. To be honest, she was emotionally strained as well, and that didn't make convincing another person that everything was alright easier.

Cedar remained quiet again. Then he relaxed even more. “You are awfully clever for someone so naive. I wouldn't have trusted myself.”

Lucille wasn't sure why, but she hated that he said something like this. Maybe because he hinted that he didn't believe that anyone could think that he was a good person and that he himself still doubted that. She stayed quiet for a few seconds before she whispered to him. “Cedar. Turn around please.” She almost didn't expect him to listen.

But Cedar did turn around and forced her to withdraw her arms for the moment. He was smiling as radiantly as the sun, much like before. His glassy eyes were enough to come to the conclusion that he was once again fooling himself. He had been crying. He hadn't even let out a single sob, and it seemed like he had been holding back his tears so much that only one or two had come out.

But that was enough to make Lucille's heart clench in pain. She could barely make eye contact with him without beginning to cry herself. She slowly moved closer to him and wrapped her arms around his body again.

This time, Cedar returned the embrace immediately.

Lucille watched him for a moment before whispering again. “Let's go to my room to sleep. Is that fine?” He looked so exhausted that she didn't want to force him to stay awake for much longer.

He nodded while barely moving his head.

So, they tried their best to move over to Lucille's room. They ignored the stares of the guards they got for holding hands while walking through the hallways and reached their destination quickly. They entered her room without much further ado.

Lucille wasn't sure about whether asking Cedar to sleep in her bed would be problematic, but they had slept together on the sofa and in the bed in the doctor's office, so it should be fine. She brought him to the bed and let him lie down soon. It felt a bit strange to climb inside next to him. It felt even stranger to cuddle against a man while his arms were wrapped around her.

But at the same time, it felt good. Cedar being next to her always made her happy. She would have been happier if he wasn't in such a bad state, but still, it was pleasant to lie in his arms.

None of them said anything for the next few minutes, and the sun slowly began to set. It wasn't even completely dark yet when Cedar's breathing slowed down and became more rhythmic. It seemed like he had fallen asleep.

Then it was time for Lucille to cry now. She had held back the whole time and couldn't do it anymore. She didn't sob or wail, but a few tears ran down her cheeks. She wasn't certain whether those were shed out of grief or anger though.

On the one hand, she was devastated. Hearing how vulnerable Cedar was because of his horrible past broke her heart. Why had he been forced to go through such awful things?

And then she thought about the answer, and her grief turned to nothing but pure wrath.

The dowager empress wasn't just a woman with psychological issues and an inferiority complex. She was a monster. A monster that had no qualms about harming her own child, just so that she had someone with even greater scars cling to her to satisfy her need for attention.

There had been many people Lucille disliked. But for the first time in her life, she actually wished someone death.