System Lost: My Own Best Friend

I'm so confused. Is this some kind of test? Did I make a mistake by saving this body I'm trapped in? Why did the guardian allow it? Why did the goddess? A convergence point. Did the ones who killed me take me there? Or was my soul set adrift and captured in a convergence by random chance?

I want to scream or cry. Shout a warning to these brave rangers not to trust me. But I only wake when the body sleeps. Their actions are like a dream to me, and I know that I'll return to it soon. What's the point of it all? I've only traded one nightmare for another. I pray to the Goddess and her World Engine, but there's no answer. Why do they deny me their blessings, when even the monsters I'm trapped with have their favor?

It's almost a cruelty, these fleeting moments of consciousness in the liminal moments between sleep and waking. And yet, I'm still here. I'm still me. I'm alive—or something like it. I must believe that the Goddess yet still has a purpose for me.

When the time comes, I will be here to fulfill it.

* * *

When Talla nudges me awake, I'm not sure how long it's been. I'm still a bit groggy, despite how restful the nap was. Getting a bit of proper sleep has only served to remind me just how badly we've been missing it. One nap can't fix all that.

Talla says something to me in her language, and I blink at her in mute incomprehension while my sleep-addled mind desperately tries to spin back up.

"M-Maggie?" I mumble semi-coherently. "I think the spell stopped."

There's no response from either of my headmates, unfortunately. Which means it's going to be just me for a while. That's inconvenient when they've learned to expect me to just understand them.

I rub my eyes and replace my glasses, looking up at the rangers. They're all geared up and ready to go, with Talla even packing up her bedroll. I guess she must have convinced them to let me get a few more minutes.

She says something and extends a hand, helping me up to my feet. I furrow my brow, trying to match up what I'm hearing with what we've learned so far, but I'm coming up completely blank. Actually, wait a second...

[Violet: Tier 1 Human]

Oh. I guess that explains it. Allie was the one focusing on language. I was too busy keeping an eye on our captors.

Talla cocks her head and repeats what I think might have been a question? Allie taught her some of our language too, right? Maybe I can make this work.

"Skill," I say flatly, then shake my head and point at my ear.

Talla's eyes widen with understanding and she says something. Then she furrows her brows and asks another question.

All I can do is shrug helplessly. She sighs and shakes her head, then turns to address her companions, holding her hand out for something. After a brief argument with the bigger of the two men, he reluctantly hands over a knife—my knife, I realize. Talla then turns and offers it to me, handle first.

I don't understand what she says, but I accept the blade tentatively. "Thank you."

Her response is a happy sounding bleat and a gesture I don't recognize, but take to be positive—with her hands sideways in front of her, palms touching. I replace the knife in my belt, feeling a bit less naked, and draw the cloak around my shoulders.

After another brief exchange, in which the leader sounds a bit impatient, the three set off towards the dark tunnel leading to the river. Talla casts her light spell, then beckons me to follow, so after carefully nudging Nipper awake and dodging his customary snapping, I do.

At first I just follow closely behind Talla, one hand on my knife, but the smaller of the two men snaps at me and pulls me forward to stand in front of her instead. He shares a brief exchange with Talla, who rolls her eyes, but I take it to mean that they don't want me at their backs.

Fair enough.

"I really wish I had that spell right now..." I mutter.

"I'm up!" Maggie suddenly shouts, causing me to jump and drawing curious looks from the others. "What'd I miss?!"

I blush and lower my head, trying to mumble as quietly as I can in response. "Nothing. I think we're scouting the cave, but I can't understand them."

"Huh?!" she says, still strangely loud in my head. "Why not?"

"You...stopped casting it?" I hedge.

"Oh!" she giggles. "Right! Right!"

"Are you okay, Maggie? You're acting..." I search for the right word. "Drunk."

"What? No! I'm fine!" she says, still giggling. "Better than ever, even. That nap was amazing! Here, I'll do the spell again."

"I'm not actually sure if that's—ah!" I wince at the sudden feeling of a railroad spike driving itself between my eyes.

"Oops!" Maggie chuckles. "A bit too much juice! It's fine—we'll be fine. I can do this all day. All year, even! We should teach Talla how to do it, I bet she'll love it! She seems to be really into magic."

"[Allie, are you okay?]" Talla asks, each word pounding its way into my skull painfully.

I pinch the bridge of my nose and nod. "I'll be fine—sorry."

"[There's that word again—I think I know that one,]" she responds. "[You're casting the spell again, aren't you?]"

Despite my throbbing headache, I don't miss the fact that she says "spell" instead of "skill." I know that there's a difference, even if we haven't figured out what it is yet.

"Yes."

"[Be careful with sustained effects like that,]" she warns. "[The magical strain can sneak up on you. We've got one more of Kiera's tinctures left, but I don't know if they're compatible with your particular expression—or uh, biology. Plus there's no way Draga would approve giving it to you.]"

I nod gratefully. "I'll bear that in mind, thank you."

"[You're welcome!]" she answers proudly, giving me that strange gesture again.

Oh, that's what she said earlier, isn't it? She's learned to recognize "thank you."

"Strain?" Maggie scoffs. "What strain? A little headache never stopped us before, and I feel great!"

Hmm. Something about what Talla said is bothering me, and I really wish Allie was here to help me ask about it. It takes me until we get to the river to fumble my way awkwardly through the weird, guttural language and unfamiliar syntax before I finally land on something that Talla actually manages to understand.

"[Is...what...expression?]" I know I botched the pronunciation, since it hurts my throat to even try, but Talla doesn't seem to mind...much.

"[Blood and acid, Allie, your pronunciation and grammar are even worse somehow,]" she huffs. "[Are you trying to ask about the different expressions of magical strain?]"

"Yes!" I say, sighing with relief. "That!"

As she thinks about it, the other two rangers casually hop across the entire river, then turn to wait for us. Talla puts her hands on her hips and sighs.

"[You jerks!]" she snaps. "[We don't all have two hundred Power!]"

Two hundred?! Talla turns to me as though she hasn't just dropped a giant bombshell. "[How much Power do you have?]"

I meekly hold up two fingers and she sighs. "[Yeah, I'm not much better to be honest, but I don't want to get wet just so that they can spend the rest of the afternoon making fun of us.]"

"Use [Strong Arm]!" Maggie suggests excitedly. "It worked for me!"

"Yeah, but after you did that you got...all...loopy." I frown as several pieces start to click into place.

"[I'm not sure what you're mumbling about this time, but I think I've got us, hold on...]" Talla says.

She reaches up to touch the floating ball of light, and it pulses gently, suffusing me with a strange warmth.

The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

"[Aura of Haste]" Talla explains. "[It's like the one I showed you earlier, but has a wider effect. I can't hold it for very long, though, so let's hurry.]"

That said, she takes a running start and leaps across the river, her body moving with supernatural alacrity. Even supported by the spell, she doesn't make it look nearly as effortless as the other two did.

Figuring it can't hurt, I temporarily switch [The Beaten Path] to copy [Strong Arm] and reluctantly let Nipper slither up onto my shoulders. Doing my best to envision the jump as "throwing" myself across the river, I take a running leap. Thanks to my earlier parkour practice, I'm able to control my stride so that I leap right at the edge without losing any momentum. It's a good thing too, because Maggie's skill doesn't do a thing.

I barely make the jump, teetering dangerously on the edge before Talla catches my hand and pulls me ashore. She smiles at me as she cancels her spell.

"[Not bad for two Power! That was pretty good form, right?]" she turns to the other two, who begrudgingly shrug and nod. I think they were hoping one of us would make a splash, but at least there's no exchange of coins this time.

"[The river probably leads down the mountain, so we'll leave that way for now,]" the leader says, moving on. "[Talla, Saban, stay here until I return or give the signal. I'm going to sweep this tunnel for potential threats and report back. If I don't return within thirty minutes, Talla's in charge and your standing order is to come after me.]"

The other two rangers acknowledge their orders, and the leader disappears silently down the dark tunnel, apparently unconcerned by the lack of illumination.

"[So...]" Talla says, turning back to me. "[You wanted to know about magical strain, right?]"

I nod.

"[Right, well, you've probably felt its effects already,]" she begins. "[Headaches are a common symptom, and usually the first sign—especially if your Awareness outpaces Will.]"

She casts a pointed look at the man keeping watch nearby, who grumbles irritably. "[Yeah, yeah—I'm not a mage. Give it a rest, already,]" he complains, spitting to the side.

"[Skills can cause magical strain just as easily as spells,]" Talla says, as much for his benefit as for mine. "[In fact, even the voice of the Goddess, spoken through a simple [Message] can cause magical strain. The divine mechanism grants us small portions of her strength, but it's not a perfect machine—there's only so much it can do to protect us from ourselves.]"

"Ooo!" Allison's voice cuts in. "Did I wake up just in time for a theology lesson?"

"I think the theology part might be incidental," I hedge.

"Forget about all that, where's the juicy arcane knowledge?!" Maggie demands.

Talla pauses to give me a polite smile.

"Oh heck," Allie curses. "I know that look. That's the classic 'are you done?' smile of a college professor whose lecture just got interrupted. We better sit back and listen."

Fair enough. I duck my head apologetically, and let Talla continue.

"[The Goddess is vast and infinite,]" Talla explains. "[Even the tiny fraction of her power shared with us through her divine mechanism places a burden on our souls. Usually, this is offset or even completely managed by the empowerment provided at higher levels—after all, the mechanism was designed to support us, not hurt us. But there are exceptions.]"

With a movement of her hand, she plays with the floating orb of light, letting it dance around our heads.

"[The most common is simple overuse. Basic skills can be used repeatedly or indefinitely without causing any harm, but particularly powerful ones will cause a slow but steady buildup of strain. I've got enough Will to keep this light going forever as long as I don't try to get too fancy with it, but moving it around takes a bit more effort.]"

The orb suddenly grows almost painfully bright, and I have to shield my eyes. The other ranger curses and turns away entirely.

"[Blood and acid, Talla!]" he snaps. "[A little warning?!]"

She ignores him and gives me a sly smirk while he's not looking before dimming it again.

"[You can also overuse a skill by putting too much strength into it—which is mostly a risk for those with very high Ego, especially in excess of their Will,]" she goes on. "[As you might have guessed, the Will attribute helps to resist the effects of magical strain, but only to a point.]

"[The next most common source of magical strain is the Goddess' voice, which is also why we rangers try to avoid using it when we can. That, and because it's bad for operational security,]" she adds.

"[You're bad for operational security,]" her companion grumbles, still rubbing his eyes.

"[Deal with it, Saban,]" she says flatly. "[Allie doesn't mean us any harm, and these are important things for a child to learn.]"

I'd almost forgotten that they think we're a child. It's a little awkward to be patronized, but we don't have the vocabulary to correct her misunderstanding.

"[Anyway, if too much information is communicated at once through the Goddess, it can cause acute magical strain,]" Talla explains. "[Some clever demons and monsters have even learned to twist and weaponize the Goddess' gifts against us, like sirens and mimics. Ranger doctrine is to never expand an unauthorized [Message] and some even train themselves not to perceive so much as the title, since it can contain psychic imprints—like your powerful apology earlier.]"

I suppose that makes sense. I can still remember the constant headaches from back when we were trying to make sense of the mechanism behind this world. Maggie's attempts at communication must have spooked the first group into thinking we were one of those monsters. That's...a pretty tragic miscommunication, but there's no sense beating ourselves up about it now. I wonder just how much we owe our lives to Talla being so well-informed.

"[I probably should have mentioned this earlier, but your translation spell almost certainly renders you especially vulnerable to that kind of attack,]" Talla adds. "[I haven't tried to fully analyze its structure yet, but I'm guessing that you're essentially inverting the process of assigning meaning to words through the voice of the Goddess. Plucking the intentions from our speech and then converting them to words you can understand.]"

"Damn she's good!" Maggie exclaims. "Never mind teaching her, she's already figured it out for herself."

Her companion stiffens up and glares suspiciously at us. "[Wait, Talla—isn't that chaos magic?]" he asks quietly.

She waves her hand at him dismissively, never breaking eye contact with us. "[Of course not, Saban, it's just a clever application of a leadership skill.]" Her flippant words belie the stern gaze she levels us with. "[But it probably creates a lot of strain, and that's a good segue into the last major cause.]"

Talla puts her hands on her hips and sighs. "[I'm not sure I should even talk about this, but since Saban already mentioned it—chaos magic,]" she sighs, smiling awkwardly. "[No demonstration this time, for obvious reasons. It is technically possible, with high enough Ego, Awareness, and Will, to create novel thaumaturgical effects, entirely without the mechanism's support.]"

"[Yeah, if you're a bleedin' heretic,]" the other ranger interjects, spitting with contempt.

"[Indeed,]" Talla nods. "[It's highly illegal to perform—not to mention stupid.]" She glares pointedly at us.

"Uh...guys?" Allison mutters worriedly. "I think she might be on to us."

"[Chaos magic exposes you directly to the Goddess' presence without anything to guide you,]" Talla explains. "[Everything I just told you about the causes of magical strain? They are nothing compared to chaos magic. Chaos mages—no matter how careful or well-intentioned, no matter how many tinctures they consume, without exception—all become gibbering lunatics. The strain is simply far too much to bear. Some forces just aren't meant for mortal minds.]"

She stares at us for a moment, letting her words sink in.

"Shit!" Maggie swears angrily. "Fuck! That's gonna make it so much harder to get her on board with our plans to perfect chaos magic and overthrow the church together!"

Our what, now?

"Maggie, I don't think that's the right takeaway," Allison deadpans.

No, hold on, can we go back to what Maggie just said?

Completely ignorant of my internal plight, Talla continues her lecture. "[Which finally brings me to the answer to your actual question.]" She coughs awkwardly. "[Sorry for taking such a roundabout route to get here, but context is important.]

"[The symptoms of advanced magical strain are unique to the individual, but can broadly be split into two categories—positive and negative. Negative strain puts a mental burden on your soul. It puts a pall over everything and makes you want to avoid magic, or in the worst cases prevent you from working up the energy to do anything at all. Before the advent of tinctures, the leading cause of death among court mages was suicide.]"

Oh dear. That definitely doesn't sound good.

"That must be why Talla looked so worn out when we met her," Allison comments. "She perked up a bit after taking that potion."

"[Despite the name, positive strain is not better,]" Talla stresses as she continues. "[In fact, it's generally considered to be the far more dangerous category. Positive strain makes you feel energized, as though the Goddess herself is right there with you, guiding your hand. It's an illusion. Mages with positive expressions are rare, but not because positive expression is rare in and of itself.]"

She fidgets nervously, as though unsure whether she should keep talking, but then continues.

"[They just die. Some go out in a huge blaze of glory, but most just burn out from the endless pursuit of greater and greater magical heights. They get stuck in a feedback loop, pushing themselves harder and harder until they just...break. Most chaos mages have positive expressions.]"

"[All mages are lunatics if you ask me,]" Saban interjects. "[Just because the Goddess allows her power to create things doesn't mean it's proper for mere mortals to wield it so.]"

"[That is...one interpretation,]" she responds stiffly. "[But the church invented the art of thaumaturgy, and thanks to the alchemist inventing—among his many advancements—tinctures, magic is much more accessible to those outside the clergy.]"

"Alright, I can't stand it anymore, I've gotta ask," Maggie interjects. "Who the fuck is the alchemist?!"

I'd like to know that myself. Talla picks up on my confused expression, but her next words do little to help clarify things.

"[Tinctures are special magical and chemical admixtures that help to offset the effects of magical strain. They aren't a replacement for proper discipline or a healthy Will attribute, but they help. The only trouble is that they aren't universal. Positive and negative expressions require different kinds of tinctures and not everybody responds well to them, even if their expression matches.]"

"Pfft! I don't need any tinctures, I'll be fine," Maggie insists. "I'm just built different."

I suppose that if I'm going to take anything away from this conversation, it's the fact that Maggie's magical strain has a positive expression. It's going to be a real chore trying to get her to moderate herself.

Allie, however, takes something else entirely away from all of this.

"Hold on a second..." she wonders. "Are the magic potions in this world just drugs?!"