Synth

After swimming with Lendulin most of the day, Constance was happy to have a sleepover with her and a few of the more aquatic kids. She was used to having sleepovers with other kids from the Outer Ring since most of the 'homes' there were a single room with no privacy, and most parents would be more than happy for a night to themselves. The kids all understood that often their parents needed 'adult time' and during this time the kids would spend a night with a relative, or a trusted friend. In fact, TO learned that most of the parents in the Outer Ring had created a group of trusted parents with a planned schedule of sleepover parties each weekend. This was a setup that seemed exceedingly clever to TO, and they hoped there was something similar on Apoikia. Of course, they'd rather use that time for 'fun' instead of potentially worrisome or awkward conversations.

After a quick supper and an excited 'see you tomorrow' from Constance, TO and DH made their way back to their room in silence. When they finally go there, TO sat down heavily on the nearest chair, grateful for the moment to rest and take the pressure off their new leg. It didn't hurt as much as it had, but after a long day, their muscles still ached as their body adjusted to the prosthetic.

DH let the door close behind them, pressing the button to put it into privacy mode and lock it. "So." DH's ears still held a slightly blue tinge to them. "What brought this up?"

TO took a deep, steadying breath before they spoke, talking first about how well their work had been going with their training, and how they flew well earlier. They talked about their progress, and carefully shifted into the comment Pulsar made about needing a break soon.

"They just assumed that we had already done that." TO muttered, one half of them just glad to talk about it, the other half wishing they could disappear into a black hole and never come back. "And they seemed surprised when- " They paused, "I mean, I didn't tell them anything, but when I wasn't sure what they were talking about-"

"That's the least of my worries." DH came towards TO, pulling a chair up and sitting close to them. "It's... well, it's awkward to talk about. But as for them knowing if we've-"

"They just say 'cycle.'" TO said, "Pulsar and Runala were really casual about it."

"Cycle, then." DH said, "I'm not worried if they know if we've cycled or if we've done anything. I'd rather them not know details-"

"I would never!" TO's ears burned just at the thought of it.

"But I'm not worried about that." DH leaned forward and took TO's hand. "Does it bother you?"

"If I told them about anything we did!?"

"No, that we've not 'cycled' yet."

"Well, apparently we should have!" TO said, their ears flicking down as their eyes widened, "What does it mean that we haven't? What if-"

"I didn't ask if we should have or not. I asked if it bothered you that we haven't. "

TO clutched DH's hand, their thumb stroking the back of it. DH's hands seemed slightly darker, TO noticed. Was that good? Bad? Did it matter?"

"We should have, I think." TO finally said. "It bothers me that we haven't."

"And it only bothers you because apparently it's normal." DH bent their head down to catch TO's eye. "Right?"

"Right." TO said after a long pause. "What does it mean for us that we haven't?"

"... You want my honest opinion?" DH put their other hand over TO's and gave a gentle squeeze.

"Of course I do." TO's heart dropped even as they said it. Yes, they wanted DH's opinion, and they were terrified of what their opinion might mean.

"I think it means that we've had a really hard time so far." DH leaned in. "It means that since we met, it's been one thing after another. We've been worried about just surviving. We've been in high-stress situations this whole time. You've been sick. You've been injured. I got kidnapped. We were held captive by people who - for all we knew- were vicious insurgents waiting for just the right time to torture us or kill us. And after that, we were trying to escape Arkane before the Synth army came and blew it up!"

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"I don't know what that has to do with this," they muttered. "Maybe when I was sick, and injured, but-"

"When I did my placement in the med bay back in training, one of the things that the Medical Officer always checked on was stress levels." DH put their hand over TO's. "Stress was one of the most common things they treated! Like with Avery, when they weren't able to keep food down. That was common." They shook their head, "But, high stress? It can affect everything."

"I didn't it affecting other synths in training." TO said, a frown crossing their face as they thought back to their experiences. "I mean, there were issues from stress, but not medical issues-"

"Because if they got bad enough, they didn't receive treatment." DH's ears flicked back, and their grip on TO's hand tightened. They didn't have to say anything more to tell TO what happened to trainees who suffered that level of stress - they knew.

"So, if that's the case, how do you know what more stress can do-"

"Older synths would receive treatment, depending on their position. Officers, normally. A lot of it presented in joint pain, headaches, stomach issues, sleeping problems. So long as they could handle the issue with the right medication, it was fine-"

"Like with Avery."

DH nodded, "Like with Avery. Thankfully, that was mild, and they thought it was acute. Avery had also just passed their examination, so they were given a bit of medicine to keep their stomach calm."

"At the cost of food."

"At the cost of some of their food." DH agreed. "Better than the alternative. But stress influences everything. Civilian species often suffer lower birth rates in times of high stress-"

"But that's not an issue for us," TO said, "We can't reproduce like that. We can't have babies!" In truth, that was something TO was grateful for. Some species seemed to have no issues with giving birth, but for others, giving birth was a massive, risky endeavor accompanied by body horror that made TO's blood go cold and made them question why anyone would ever want to experience such a thing.

From what they had read, the Chilacian birthing process fell on the latter part of that scale.

"We can't, but high stress can mess with every single element of an individual's body - that stuff included. It wouldn't surprise me if the ability to cycle shuts down in high stress environments. I mean, in truth, we do already know that when a mated pair is separated, they won't-"

"But GiDi and Pearla-"

"Pearla went into the center there just before they would have 'cycled' from what I understand." DH said, "What I mean is that we already know that can be shut off in long term, high-stress situations. So, no, I'm not worried that it hasn't happened to us."

TO fell silent, staring at DH's hands over their own as they considered what DH said. Alright, DH wasn't worried that it hadn't happened, but slowly they realized that they had another worry beyond that. "Are you disappointed that it hasn't?"

DH shook their head, "I'm not." They said. "I mean, if and when it happens..." their ears flushed, "Well, ah, I imagine it'll be embarrassing, honestly. Especially since.. well, everyone will know, won't they? We'll have to ask someone to take care of Constance and all-"

TO's own ears flushed as well "Yes... It will be."

"But that aside, I don't know. I've not experienced it before, obviously, so I don't know. I imagine, from what I've read, that if we go through it, it'll help me not think about it so much, not worry so much and just..." They sighed. "It's hard to explain. I guess I get anxious when we're doing stuff. Maybe if we 'cycle' I won't be anxious?" they shook their head, "But, either way, that doesn't mean I'm not content with how things are now." They leaned in, resting their forehead against TO's. "If it happens, great. If it doesn't, that's fine too."

TO leaned into DH, their wings spreading and encircling their mate. It had been a while since they've done that; recently DH has been the one who would hold them and wrap their wings around TO. While that was nice, they missed feeling DH under their wings, missed creating a small bubble of warmth around them both.

"You never answered my question from before, though. Are *you* disappointed that it hasn't happened yet?" DH asked after several moments of comfortable quiet. They chuckled quietly as they nuzzled into the side of TO's head, "Or were you just worried that it's apparently 'supposed' to happen, and hasn't yet?"

TO's already flushed ears burned, and they gave an awkward laugh, "You know me that well, do you?"

"Of course I do." DH said as they encircled TO's waist with their arms, "And I know that if you don't have something to worry about, you'll find something. I really don't think this is something to worry about, even if that never happens."

They realized it would almost be a relief if it didn't happen. They wouldn't have to worry about the embarrassing ordeal of it, of finding someone to watch Constance, and the knowledge that everyone would know what they were doing while hiding in their room.

"Sorry for being so worried about it." TO said, sighing as they leaned against DH.

"Don't be sorry. Worrying is what you do. I'd almost be more concerned if you didn't worry!"

TO huffed, but didn't argue. It wasn't as though they could probe DH wrong in this. DH just grinned and kissed the corner of TO's mouth as they reached up to caress their ear. "And besides that," they murmured, "We don't have to 'cycle' to enjoy each other."

TO smiled and turned their head to give DH greater access to their ear. That was very true, and they had an entire night with the room to themselves.