Synth

Halfway through once more recounting the events of that day, TO began to worry that Tham would find the events just as horrible as TO feared. At a time when they really had to be making things better, making people’s view of them more positive, TO knew that relating this story was perhaps a bad idea. Still, if anyone would be in the least sympathetic to them, they knew it would be Tham. They continued, told the story, and fell silent as they waited for Tham to comment, to offer judgement or sympathy.

At first, Tham offered neither. He remained silent for the longest time anxd when TO looked up at him, they saw that his expression was not one of judgment or disdain, but of expectation. The silence drew out for a moment later before Tham finally spoke and said, “Ok. What then?”

TO blinked, looking at Tham as their ears quirked out in confusion. “What do you mean, ‘What then?’” They asked.

“Well, you kind of hyped this up as though you had dome something awful, so I’m waiting for the awful part.” They said, “I mean, what, are you upset that Kei got away, or-“

“Mark.” TO said, their ears flicking back slightly, “I feel bad because of Mark-“

Tham sighed and shifted. “I mean, I get that, but that wasn’t your fault. You’re not the one who shot him.” He shrugged, “I mean, I understand maybe the feeling of ‘I could have done better’ or something like that. You know, ‘if I had worked harder or faster, I could have stopped them.’ But that’s not really helpful. Also, given everything, I think it’s impressive that you managed to stay alive and fuck over Kei’s plans there.”

“But I shouted at Mark.” TO said, “And I didn’t even bother to try to help him when Kei was gone.”

Tham was silent for another moment as they gawked at TO, their confusion clear on their face for long moments before it shifted to something like amusement. “That’s it?” They said.

TO’s ears lowered, “Isn’t that enough?!” they said, a tone of panic in their voice, “I mean-”

Tham held up a hand to silence TO, “hold up, let me get this right.” They said, “I’m certain I have to be misunderstanding something.”

“Ok.”

“So, to confirm.” Tham said, “You’ve been beating yourself up this entire time because while you were injured, in incredible amounts of pain, and fighting someone who intended to kill you and everyone you loved, you shouted at a man?”

“I-it’s not that simple!” TO said, their ears warming up at the glib way Tham put that, “A man died-“

“Yes, I know,” Tham said, “But you didn’t kill him.”

“I yelled at him-“

“Look.” Tham’s amusement drained as he looked at TO seriously, “Do you really think that’s the absolute worst thing you could do?” He shook his head, “I mean, think about all the adrenaline - or. Wait. Shit. I don’t know if Chilacians have adrenaline. Whatever. You were fighting, injured, and threatened. That doesn’t put people in a state to think clearly, or act in the calmest and most understanding of ways.” He scoffed, “I don’t know how many times I’ve shouted at people I’ve been fighting alongside.”

“I’ve never done something like that before.” TO said, “I’ve been in all kinds of combat simulations, and-“

“There we go.” Tham said as he cut TO off, “Simulations. Situations where you knew at least that in that moment, nobody was actually going to die. Even if you were in pain, you would have known it wasn’t a life-or-death situation.” He shrugged. “You wouldn’t have had the same reaction. Also, I very much doubt you lot had any training on how to keep your cool in those kinds of situations since they thought they zapped out the feeling parts of your brain.” He paused as he considered this. “Huh. Maybe that’s another reason why they did that shit. Easier to have psychopaths in your army than have to train up a bunch of people with feelings.”

“We were trained!” TO said, their ears pinning back as indignation hit them. They didn’t know why, but the idea that perhaps they hadn’t been properly trained bothered them. “They put us though torture simulations and taught us exactly how to -“

“That’s still not the same.” Tham said, “I mean, it sucks, and I’m sure they ‘trained you’ but like… Why teach a fish how to swim, you know?”

The phrase rolled around in TO’s head, and TO could only struggle to make sense of it until they finally said, “I’m not a fish.”

“Well, obviously.” Tham sighed. “I mean, why would you teach a fish to swim? It’s something they just do. So, why would they put you through the training that would teach you to keep yourself cool-headed in combat situations when you shouldn’t feel any kind of stress from that, anyway?”

“I don’t think that’s-“

“From what you told me, it sounds like you got high on adrenaline. Or, yeah, whatever you have for that.” He leaned back. “And honestly? I’d have done the same. Shit, I might have crawled after Kei if he threatened Ja-… if he threatened anyone I cared about. Nah, I think your response was fairly calm, given everything.”

“But I yelled at Mark!” They protested, “Just before he died! The last thing he heard was-“

“In these situations, people die hearing awful things all the time.” Tham said. “Enemies cursing at you, other people around you shouting… I worked with this kid once. He was nice, but kind of stupid. He got caught, and the authorities smashed his head against the pavement once they caught him. Basically died hearing this cop berating him.” He shrugged, “You shouting to stop someone going off to murder your friends and family-“

“But Kei was trying to get away.”

“You didn’t know that! And stopping them would have been the best outcome, anyway. Because he got away, we had to deal with that situation the other day, and we have to be on guard because they could be following us or trying to catch up to us at ScrapRock.” He paused, and gave TO a hard look, “That doesn’t mean you should be beating yourself up now for not killing Kei. You were lucky to get away alive.”

“But I could have helped Mark after that!” TO said, “I could have gone to him, and-“

“Was there any chance that he could have been saved?” Tham asked.

“…Not according to DH.” TO said as their ears dipped, “Because he was already sick, the injury-”

“And when you weren’t in danger anymore, what was the first thing you did?”

“I passed out.” TO said as their ears burned, “I should have-“

“You ’should have‘ my ass,” Tham scoffed. “That’s what happens when you got enough adrenaline pumping through you to literally ignore both pain from a bullet wound, and your own—from what I understand rather intense—phobia of blood!” He looked over TO for several long minutes. “Here’s an analogy you might understand. You had your spaceship running at full speed for an entire day. The engine overheated, and you had to shut it off to let it cool down. That’s basically what happened to you.”

“Other synths don’t-“

“You’re not a synth.” Tham said as he put his attention back to the game, “You keep saying that yourself, and so do Flit and Snout. You’re not a synth; you’re Chilacian.”

“Well…” TO crossed their arms, “I was trained like-“

“But you’re not one.” Tham said again, “You’re Chilacian, and from what I’ve seen, that’s pretty normal for a Chilacian.”

“How Would you know?”

At this, Tham laughed, “What, you mean, aside from seeing how Flit, Snout, and GiDi act in these kinds of situations? You think GiDi hasn’t been in a fight like that? You think GiDi’s not killed anyone?”

TO’s ears dropped, their grip on their arms loosening. “They did?”

“Oh, yeah.” Tham said, “And they’d do it again with a smile on their face, I’m sure.”

“They wouldn’t.” TO said as though they were simply stating a simple, well known fact.

“They did.” Tham said, “Well, before you showed up, a cop followed Pearla and GiDi into the sewers.” They frowned. “This was before we found out they had been a synth. Apparently this cop was doing some kind of investigation, and followed Pearla. When they realized that he was there, they got into a fight. The shark tased Pearla, and GiDi ripped his throat out with their claws.“

It took TO a moment to remember hearing the phrase ‘shark’ used to refer to the local authorities, but once it did, the situation that played in their mind was almost incomprehensible to them. “Wait, what?” As much as TO’s mind tried to create what that might have looked like in their head, they couldn’t. The thought of GiDi being that violent simply did not fit with the GiDi they knew!

“Yeah, and nobody blamed them for it, and afterwards. Pearla was still recovering from getting tased, and she’s the one who dragged GiDi to safety because GiDi passed the fuck out when it was all over.”

“… They never told me that.”

“Well, they don’t like to talk about it.” Tham said. “Probably like you don’t like talking about what happened with Kei. So look, despite everything, I think that’s one of the things that GiDi is least likely to judge you for.”

“…DH said that it changes how they think about me,” TO said, their wings tightening around their arms once more.

“Well, does what you just learned about GiDi change how you think about GiDi?”

“…Yes.” TO said as their ears lifted in surprise. “It does.”

“Because it’s not something you thought about before, right?”

“Right.” TO said. Even now, they still couldn’t wrap their head around their small friend being able to do something like what Tham had described, but apparently they had done that. And yes, it changed how they thought of GiDi now, added something to what they knew about them.

Something they never considered GiDi was capable of.

“So yeah, I think you’re good.” Tham said, “And honestly, if DH gets judgemental over it… Well, they’re lucky that they never got thrown into that situation.”

Tham was right. Well, he was making some major assumptions, but knowing that GiDi had done something similar helped more than TO thought it would. Still, GiDi wasn’t the Ankrya. Avery was the Ankrya and the decision there depended on them. At least now, TO felt that their actions with Mark wouldn’t be a breaking point. If that on its own was enough for Avery to kick them out, then they’d have to kick GiDi out as well.

It was one less thing to worry about.