Synth

Avery was reading on the couch in the observation deck when TO finally got there. They glanced up and gave TO a quick smile before flicking their eyes back to their book. The seemingly cold greeting was nothing personal; it was just how Avery was. Since Avery had been spending more time with them in the last few cycles, TO had gotten used to their more detached mannerisms. They understood now how they had failed to see that Avery was strange until so late; Avery was quiet, and subtle in how they expressed their emotions. The only time they seemed to get excitable was in rare bouts of irritation or anger. Still, even if Avery kept quiet and only greeted TO with a brief flicker of a smile, the slight lift to their ears showed that they were happy to see them.

“How was your meeting?”

“Good, I think.” TO said as they sat down on the other end of the couch.

“I guess that means you’ll be sent out with DH?” they said, their ears drooping only slightly as they spoke.

TO’s ears flicked down, “I did try to make the argument for three synths to go!” TO protested, “I really did, and my Overseer even said-”

“It’s fine.” Avery said, looking up from their file once more, “Honestly, It’s fine. I didn’t think that you’d be able to convince them to send three synths out together.”

“But that means you’ll-”

“I’ll be sent out with some synth who is at about my skill level, or maybe higher. ” Avery said as though it just didn’t matter, “I’ll go out, do my training, and come back. I’ll be left to my own devices half the time, and have plenty of opportunity to read.”

“Won’t you be lonely?” TO asked.

“... I’m sure there will be times when I’ll wish I was around someone more like me, or someone who understood me better. I’m sure I’ll miss you and DH.” they frowned, “But I know I’m not alone. I know you’re out there, and I’ll be able to send missives to you anytime.”

TO felt their ears sink, “It won’t be the same though.” They said.

“I’ll be fine.” Avery said. They closed their book and turned to TO seriously, an action which took TO by surprise. There was very little that often drew Avery’s full attention.

“More importantly,” Avery said, “How sure are you that you’ll be going with DH?”

“Fairly positive.” TO said, “The Overseer was rather transparent…”

“And you’re still determined to wait until AFTER you’re sent off to tell DH how you feel?”

TO felt their ears burn as they looked away. “Yes.” they muttered, “Where is DH anyway?” They glanced at the door, worried that DH might come in any second.

“They were called away not too long ago for their armor fitting.” Avery said, “So they won’t be back here for a bit.”

TO frowned, and was unable to keep their ears from twitching back in disappointment “Well, Yes, I do still intend to wait.” they said, “That’s the safest solution. C12 said-”

“I know, I know.” Avery said as their ears flattened out in irritation, “Wait until you’re out of the center. I know. But still, if something happens-”

“I’ll have my official assignment at least a day or so before we leave. Maybe sooner. If things change, Then I’ll reconsider-”

“No, let me finish.” Avery snapped, “Look, I don’t know you as well as DH does, but I’ve noticed a pattern over the last couple of cycles.”

“Have you now.” TO muttered.

“Yes, I have!” Avery said, “Some days you wake up, and you look so happy because you had a good day with DH the day before, and you get all excited, and then you end up telling me that you don’t think you can wait until you’re gone on assignment to tell DH how you actually feel.”

“I do feel the need to point out that despite that excitement, I do manage to contain myself.” TO said as they resisted the urge to cover their blue, burning ears. They also regretted allowing themself to share their occasional excitement with Avery. Still, there were times when they felt so overwhelmed with what they were feeling that couldn’t keep it in, and TO was grateful to have Avery around during those times. Over the last little while Avery had patiently listened as TO raved about how caring DH was when they were doing their first aid, how excited they could be to learn new things, how adorable they looked when they got frustrated with something and inadvertently pouted as their ears flattened out.

They had admitted only once to wanting to rub DH’s ears. Confused, Avery had simply asked why, and TO had dropped it quickly.

“You’re really good at doing things safely; that’s the problem.” Avery sighed, “You get excited, you say you’re going to tell DH, and then you don’t! You decide at the very last minute that you’re not going to tell them, then you get sad until you see them again. Everything is normal for a few days at the most before it happens all over again!” Avery was getting more animated now, with their hands waving about as they spoke.

“I… I’m sorry if I’m bothering you about it.” TO said as their ears flicked back, “I’ll stop if that’s better.”

“No, that’s not the issue. I don’t mind you talking about DH. I just think that if you don’t tell them sooner than later you’re going to drive yourself to madness, and you might just take me with you!”

“But I have to wait!” TO protested, “Because C12 said-”

“Yes yes, C12 is your excuse now!” Avery said as they cut TO off, “But when you leave? What’s the excuse going to be then? Maybe you’ll think you need a few days to get used to things in the ship. Then maybe there’s too much study to do before you land, and you won’t be able to distract-”

“The studying won’t be as bad as we worried, because we’re being sent to Arkane. DH and I have been studying that place since-” they felt their ears droop, “Since GiDi was taken away.”

“Because you think they’re there.”

“We hope.”

“Well, that’s the other problem.” Avery said, “I have a few concerns about that. Say GiDi is there; What are you going to do? Bring them back?”

“If we did that, then they’d be corrected.” TO said softly, “No, we just want to know that they’re ok.”

“But… if they are ok, then shouldn’t you bring them back? I don’t want them corrected either, but-”

“I’m hoping we’ll have more important things to do. Hunting down synths that have ended up outside the service of King Decon won’t be a direct order.”

“Right. What I’m saying though is that you will have a lot to do there, and you’ll be very busy, and-” they pointed their finger at TO, nearly touching the tip of their snout as they did, “You’ll come up with some other excuse, and put it off until your placement is over! Then you’ll be separated, and you’ll never tell DH!”

TO wanted to tell DH. TO didn’t want to tell DH. The same levels of hope and dread were still in them. Even if DH didn’t hate them for it, even if they weren’t disgusted, admitting how they felt would change everything. If DH felt the same way, then everything would change because then they’d be...mates? The idea made TO’s ears burn, even if it made their chest feel like it might explode with joy.

Of course, there was the chance that they didn’t feel the same way. If DH didn’t feel the same, then that still changed everything. Maybe DH would still be more careful around TO. Maybe they wouldn’t want to share a pod anymore.

Even if they didn’t hate TO, being rejected would hurt.

Avery gave a deep sigh. “Really, I should tell them myself-”

TO felt their ears fall back in panic as they flushed bright blue, “Don’t you dare!”

“Why not!? You think DH can’t keep a secret?”

“I just don’t want to risk anything before we get sent off.”

“And how lucky for you that I won’t be able to tell them after you’re sent off.”

“Just… just promise me that you won’t tell them.”

“Why should I?” Avery asked, “I mean, you’re clearly not going to tell them-”

“I will!” TO said, panic forcing words out of their mouth, “I will, I promise, I just-”

“You promise?”

Another moment of horror flashed through them, and TO fell silent. “Y-yes… Yes, I promise I’ll tell them.”

“When?”

“After we get assigned-”

“That covers a lot of time.” Avery said, their eyes narrowed, “Once you're on the ship-”

“That’s too soon! And we’ll be all messed up and getting organized in the ship, and-”

“See, this is what I meant with excuses.”

“Before we land!” TO said without thinking about what they were saying, “I’ll tell them before we land!”

“Promise?”

Before they landed. If they did end up going to Arkane, then that would be maybe two cycles of travel time.

Two cycles.

Avery sighed, “Don’t you want to tell them?” They asked.

“I do! I just…” they trailed off, “You wouldn’t understand.”

“No, I wouldn’t. I haven’t had romantic feelings for any synth, and honestly watching you being an idiot over it is making me very grateful for that.” Avery snapped.

“Just… please don’t tell them.” TO said, their voice shaking. They felt their wings wrap around themself, “Please.”

“DH wouldn’t hate you.” Avery said, “Even if they didn’t feel the same way. Besides that, the two of you are so close-”

“Just… Please. I need more time before I tell them.”

After a long pause, Avery finally cursed and brought up the file they had been reading, “You look so scared.” they sighed, “I can’t do it to you. I should, but I can’t.”

“Thank you.” TO said, already feeling their wings loosen around them, “Thank you.”

“For the record, you’re still an idiot, and I think you should tell them as soon as possible, but-” they shook their head, “Even if you say you will, but you don’t, I won’t be able to tell them myself once you’re sent off. Maybe they won’t be carefully watching us anymore, but any higher ups can see messages we send to one another.”

“They can.”

“So when you do tell them.” Avery snapped, “Send me a message saying that you… I don’t know, You ‘finished your research’ or something. Find a way to tell me how it goes.”

“I will.” TO said, “I can promise that.”

“Moron.” Avery said again as they went to their reading. They glanced up once more, “Now I know why GiDi used to rant about the two of you. You’re a moron for not telling DH, and if DH knows, then they’re a moron for not saying something.”

Despite themself, TO felt a smile cross over their lips. It was rare that Avery got so animated about anything, but lately this issue had been something that always got them riled up. Even though Avery didn’t feel romantic feelings themself, TO felt like they were almost rooting for them, hoping that it worked out in the end.

TO wanted it to work out. They wanted to tell DH. They didn’t want to tell DH. They sighed, and opened up the news logs to start catching up on recent local news on Arkane.

Love is hard. They thought as they scanned over the news. Still, they didn't think they could give up this feeling in their chest for anything in the galaxy.