Synth

DH wasn’t in the pod when TO returned to the dormitories. GiDi’s pod was empty too, and at first TO thought that maybe DH was with GiDi, but then they instantly remembered that that would be impossible.

GiDi was gone.

They hadn’t forgotten of course; that fact was forefront in their head. Still, they had somehow failed to piece it together right away that it meant that GiDi would never be back in their pod. Wherever DH was, they weren’t with GiDi. TO glanced down the hallway to see if Avery was in their pod, and if maybe DH was there.

They walked forward and saw Avery in their pod, Alone.

TO felt sick to their stomach once more. They quickly scurried back and headed to their own pod. They did want to see Avery, but they didn’t want to talk about what happened. They didn’t want to talk about how GiDi was gone, how DH had disappeared on them, and how miserably and totally they had failed their friends.

They didn’t want to be alone, but being with anyone other than DH right now meant having to explain things.

They climbed up their ladder and into their pod. They didn’t want to eat, but they remembered how their stomach had settled down once they had eaten some of the food that MO-6 had given them. They idly picked up one of the cubes and forced themself to eat.

GiDi would never be in the pod next to them again.

GiDi would never sit and eat with them again.

GiDi would never chide them to eat again.

It was only at that moment that TO remembered that they had had plans to eat their second meal with GiDi. There was a second where they panicked because they had of course missed that meal, but then they realized that GiDi couldn’t have been there.

GiDi was gone.

GiDi had been planning to tell then what had been wrong with DH. TO remembered being so distracted, worried, and even hopeful for whatever GiDi had to tell them. Now of course they’d never find out what it was.

Not unless DH just told them on their own.

“Look, you have to talk to them, ok?

They would. They’d talk to DH. TO shoved another piece of food in their mouth, holding back sobs as tears stung at their eyes. GiDi was gone. GiDi wanted them to take care of one another. DH was all that TO had left. They’d take care of DH. They’d talk to them. They didn’t know what was wrong, but they’d find out and make it better somehow. They just had to wait for DH to come back to their pod. They had to wait for DH to come to them because TO couldn’t find them right now.

Slowly, their stomach started to grow numb once more and their thoughts started to slip. They set the rest of their food aside; they didn’t want to fall asleep again. They figured if they ate slowly then they’d be able to keep their stomach from churning without falling into a deep, drugged sleep. They'd be able to exist in this strange state where their thoughts couldn't seem to stick and where they just felt too numb to cry.

They’d wait. DH could eventually come back to their pod, and they’d talk. TO would stay with DH while they slept.

They’d be less sad if they were together, TO at least knew that much.

======

TO wasn’t asleep. They had their eyes closed and they were listening to the pod below them for any sound. They were in an odd state, one in which they managed to block out all other noise and distractions, one where thoughts came and went almost without notice and the world passed about them without effect. There was only one sound they were looking for, nothing else mattered. Well, save for the carefully portioned out food that TO had to the side. Whenever various thoughts-

-blood. Bones cracking-

Started to linger too much, started to become too much to shake-

-GiDi was gone. They’d never see them again. Were they alright? Were they safe?-

They’d reach out and eat one of the small cubes. It didn’t take long after that for the thoughts to start to slip away.

It was just before TO was about to take another bite of their food when they finally heard the sound they had been waiting for; They heard DH climb into the pod below them. TO opened their eyes and leaned over to see their friend, but the barrier to DH’s pod closed right away.

TO simply stared at the closed barrier for several long minutes, confused. After a moment they knocked. Maybe DH thought that they had been asleep; though their pod hadn’t been sealed their eyes had been closed and that could make it seem like they were sleeping.

Silence. TO knocked again. Silence.

‘Look, you have to talk to them, ok? I’m not going to be here anymore to tell you that you’re being idiots’

Were they really being idiots? Was DH being an idiot right now? TO leaned over so they could put more force behind their hand, and kept knocking. They had to talk to DH, they had to make things right!

The barrier opened. DH was laying with their back to TO, their blanket wrapped around them and over their head.

“DH.” TO said softly. They wanted to talk to them, but suddenly they felt at a loss for what to say. They wanted to tell them that they knew it was a simulation, and that was the only reason why they attacked. They wanted to say they were sorry they were so vicious but they were so scared that DH wouldn’t attack them.

They wanted to say that they missed GiDi. That everytime they thought about their small friend it felt like something was being torn apart inside.

TO shifted towards the ladder. They wouldn’t say anything right now, They’d just crawl in and be close to DH. They’d wrap their wings around them and sleep. They’d hold DH tightly.

That was all they wanted to do right now.

“What do you want.” DH finally said, their voice low and raspy.

TO’s ears flicked forward in confusion, “I… I want to talk to you.” they said after a moment, “I want to be around you.

There was a gasping breath from DH as they stifled a sob. TO continued towards the ladder.

“I don’t want to talk to you.” DH said.

“That’s fine.” TO whispered, “I’ll just… I’ll just stay with you for now. We can talk-”

“No.” DH said again. They took a deep breath and said far more firmly, “I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want to be around you.”

TO froze. They couldn’t have heard right. Or, if they did then they must have misunderstood something.

“... What do you mean?” TO finally asked after a long silence.

“What I said.” came back DH’s raspy voice, “I don’t want to see you. I don't want to speak to you. I don’t want to spend time with you.”

There were no tears– TO was far too shocked for that. After everything that had happened they felt like something deep inside had been struck and had shattered into pieces.

“Why.” was all TO could ask. They felt their wings wrap around themself as though trying to protect them. “DH… is it because of the examination? Is it…” They remembered how horrified and shocked DH had been when TO shot them in the simulation. They remembered how they had recoiled away from TO in horror when they were talking to the Overseers and the Commander. “If it’s about the simulation, I only-”

“Yes.” DH said, “Yes. Yes, it’s because of that. Don’t talk to me anymore. Leave me alone.”

Their voice cracked on the last word, and they reached out and closed the barrier before TO could say anything else.

TO was frozen in place, their mind trying to go over what had just happened, over what DH had said.

‘Don’t talk to me anymore. Leave me alone.’

No… No there had to be something else. There had to be some other reason for what they said. TO knocked on the barrier again and again, harder and harder.

There had to be a reason. DH was being an idiot. Something had happened-

‘I don’t hate you. Why would I hate you?’

They beat their fist against the barrier. DH hadn’t been lying back then when they said that. Had that changed? Did they hate TO now?

Tears stung at their eyes, they kept pounding at the barrier until they hit the barrier so hard with the edge of their hand that pain ran through the side and up their two last fingers. They cried out in anguish, pulled their hand back from the barrier, and held it tightly to their chest.

They hurt. It was hard to focus. Why was DH doing this? Was it really because of what had happened in the simulation? Their hand hurt. Their stomach churned. Withheld sobs made their throat burn.

They scrambled up and climbed into their own pod. They reached out with their good hand, flailing as they closed the barrier.

The moment it was closed, TO let out a ragged, primitive mix of a cry and a scream as they clutched their hand. They fell to their side, sobbing so hard their body hurt from it. They cried until exhaustion finally stilled their sobs. As they tried desperately to regain their breath, they looked down and saw the bits of food near them. They had upset the plate at some point and the perfect little cubes now lay strewn about their thin pillow.

Without sitting up, TO grabbed at the cubes and started shoving what was left in their mouth. They hardly chewed as they ate, hardly breathed. When the cubes were finally gone they flopped down on their pillow. They started to sob again, but far more quietly this time. As the medication in the food took effect the sobs grew quieter and quieter until the quiet whimpers were the only sound that the sleeping TO made.