Sweet Sugar Candyman

#27

Saheon hyung didn’t return all weekend. Judging by the exotic Thai scenery he sent me via messenger chat, along with a suggestion to visit there together sometime, he must have truly gone for work. However, even that made me feel guilty.

Hyung looked really cool in the selfie-like photo he sent. Even though the picture was 90% scenery and only 10% his face peeking out, my gaze was drawn to his face rather than the landscape.

In the slightly blurry photo, perhaps taken while talking with colleagues, hyung’s eyes were pleasantly creased. It was the smile I liked best, with his eyes gently curved and slight lines at the corners.

Not seeing Saheon hyung over the weekend was both fortunate and unfortunate. Thinking rationally while based on feelings of guilt, I spent the entire weekend pondering my relationship with Saheon hyung.

Me, unable to control my momentary impulses towards Saheon hyung. Hyung, who already knows my feelings but dismisses them as a passing phase.

Me, not viewing him simply as the neighbor’s older brother. Me, getting excited by hyung’s small actions that others wouldn’t notice.

And Saheon hyung, who might have a girlfriend he’s promised to marry or is planning to, and me, just the next-door dongsaeng he’s known for a long time. No matter how positively I tried to think, I couldn’t see an answer.

Throughout the weekend, I looked at the scenery photos Saheon hyung sent, thinking and thinking again. I traced his small profile in the picture with my fingertip, then lowered my hand with a heavy heart.

Seeing that I had read but not replied to his messages, Saheon hyung sent a message full of crying emoticons, asking if I was still mad at him and pleading to see him since he had bought so many gifts. That action only fueled my sense of guilt for committing a sin against the innocent hyung who knew nothing.

The last message from Saheon hyung in Bangkok said he was returning to Korea at 1 AM as Sunday turned to Monday. Once again, I read the content but didn’t reply, and searched for flight times from Bangkok to Korea.

It was a 6-hour journey, short or long depending on how you look at it. Since he sent the message at 1 AM, if he arrived in Korea on time, it would be 7 AM. Allowing a generous 30 minutes to disembark and exit the plane, and an hour from Incheon Airport to hyung’s house, Saheon hyung would likely arrive around 8:30 AM.

I spent the night almost entirely awake. The quiet stillness evoked various thoughts, mostly memories of times with Saheon hyung from childhood until now.

No matter how much I tossed and turned, my eyes refused to close. Around dawn, when the sky outside was dimly visible through the window that still lacked curtains, I gave up trying to sleep and prepared to go out.

There was no hesitation in carrying out what I had been contemplating for two days. Perhaps because I had simulated it in my head several times, my hands moved unhesitatingly as I tidied up the room. Due to lack of sleep, all actions seemed to occur without passing through conscious thought. I moved silently, lips tightly pressed, as if performing a necessary task.

I changed clothes and packed the remaining items into my suitcase. After adding the clothes I had washed over the weekend, the suitcase was packed to bursting. I put my laptop and charger and other miscellaneous items into the bag I usually carry to school, completely finishing my preparations.

I neatly folded the rumpled bedding and placed it on the bed. I also emptied the trash can and even mopped a sticky spot on the floor that looked like spilled orange juice. The room felt very empty with my belongings removed, though I hadn’t brought much to begin with.

It didn’t seem like I had moved much, but all traces of my having lived here were erased as if they had never existed. Of course, it was Saheon hyung’s house, but somehow a lump rose in my throat.

Although classes didn’t start until 10, it was only 7 when I finished all the preparations. I decided to leave the house earlier than planned. If Saheon hyung was returning around 8:30 anyway, it seemed better to avoid any chance of running into him.

The rolling sound of the suitcase mixed like a dissonant note in the quiet house. I took my shoes from the shoe rack and put them on. As I glanced towards the inside with lingering eyes, I found myself straightening Saheon hyung’s shoes that were scattered near the entrance.

Hyung has big feet too, I thought meaninglessly. Feeling something hot rising up, I had to struggle not to fall into self-pity.

Anyway, we had barely been in contact for nearly three years after hyung rejected me once. Even before, we didn’t talk every day, but after my confession, I had already grown accustomed to parting with hyung while feeling awkward on my own.

I gripped the suitcase handle tightly and steeled myself. No matter how I thought about it, this seemed right. If one harbors impure sexual desires towards someone, it’s right for the person with those impure feelings to leave.

I left the house, not hiding my gloomy expression. The cold air permeating the corridor was chilly. As I went down to the parking lot, the frigid temperature increased. Though it was March, the cold wind cutting my cheeks seemed to somewhat awaken my foggy mind from lack of sleep.

I walked down the street that had become familiar in that short time and headed for the bus stop. The bus to school arrived quickly, but being a commuter bus overlapping with rush hour, it was packed with people.

I had plenty of time. I let the usual red bus I took for commuting pass and chose a village bus instead. Although it would take about 30 minutes longer going around, it seemed better than inconveniencing others by bringing a large suitcase onto a crowded bus.

Despite trying hard to kill time on the street, I arrived at school an hour early. People’s gazes were drawn to me because of the suitcase I was pulling. I tried to keep my eyes on the ground as I climbed the gentle hill.

When I reached the building with the lecture halls, I suddenly remembered that on the first day of the semester, I had gone up and down the stairs without an elevator. Staring blankly at the stairs that looked as old as the building itself, I picked up my suitcase and started climbing one step at a time.

Fortunately, since it only contained clothes, it wasn’t too heavy. After huffing and puffing to bring the suitcase up to the third floor, I shook off the heat building up inside my padded jacket and walked down the empty corridor.

With an hour left until class started, the lecture room was empty. I roughly took a seat where I had sat with Choi Hyun-oh last time, and pushed my suitcase against the wall.

I could hear the ticking of the clock in the classroom. Looking ahead with a dazed face from lack of sleep, I took out my phone. 9 AM. I had thought Saheon hyung would arrive around 8:30, but there was still no contact from him.

Anxiety welled up suddenly. How would hyung react if he discovered traces of my disappearance? Would he be angry? He probably would be. But maybe Saheon hyung would actually be relieved if the next-door dongsaeng harboring impure thoughts towards him disappeared.

Feeling nauseous from anxiety, I bit my lip hard. The negative thoughts that had dug deep soon reached their starting point again. It was the same thought I had been having all weekend while thinking of Saheon hyung.

I turned off my phone. I was anxious about when Saheon hyung might contact me, but if he didn’t, that would hurt in its own way. With complicated feelings I couldn’t quite understand myself, I laid my head down on the classroom desk.

The cold temperature crept up my cheek. Now that I had a place to rest, forgotten drowsiness rushed in. The cold wood gradually warmed from my body heat. I decided to get a bit of sleep before the lecture started.

“Hey, what do we do? Lee Cheongmyeong is dead!”

I had only meant to close my eyes for a moment, but I had to open them at Choi Hyun-oh’s shrill cry. My vision was blurry. Having opened my eyes suddenly, I was a bit dazed and furrowed my brow as I sat up. My neck was stiff from sleeping hunched over.

I looked up at Choi Hyun-oh with bleary eyes while massaging the back of my neck. Shin Jiyu, standing next to Hyun-oh, was cackling and slapping his shoulder repeatedly. Despite being pushed sideways by the rough handling, Hyun-oh’s face remained worried.

“Why do you sleep so still, not even moving? You weren’t even breathing while sleeping!”

Hyun-oh crawled to my side as if trying to escape Jiyu’s fierce hands. I moved over a bit to let him sit comfortably.

Today, Hyun-oh had his brightly bleached bangs slicked back with wax. When Saheon hyung styled his hair with pomade, it gave him a professional look, but when Hyun-oh did it, it only emphasized his unrefined impression.

“But whose suitcase is this? Is someone going on a trip today?” Jiyu asked, pointing at my suitcase as she was about to sit down. I had put it to the side trying not to block the way, but now that people were crowding in, the aisle looked even narrower.

“Ah… sorry. It’s mine. I’ll move it to the back.”

“No, it’s fine. I just asked because I was curious. Everyone who’s coming is already here, so what does it matter? Just leave it.”

Jiyu spoke dismissively as she sat down, but Hyun-oh was staring at me with wide eyes. His raised eyebrows were clearly visible because of his neatly slicked-back hair. Hyun-oh asked in a whisper:

“Are you going on a trip?”

“No.”

I moved over a bit more as Jiyu and Kim Seo-hee came in, and answered. At the front, the major professor, who had come in at some point without my noticing, was preparing for class. Hyun-oh lowered his voice even more, adjusting it so the two sitting next to us couldn’t hear.

“Did you run away from home?”

I was at a loss for words at Hyun-oh’s blunt question. Since I left of my own will, it could be called running away, but Saheon hyung was more like a housemate, so I wasn’t sure if it was exactly the right term.

But while I hesitated for a moment, Hyun-oh seemed to have already drawn his conclusion. As soon as it turned 10 o’clock, the professor started calling attendance. As the classroom suddenly fell silent, Hyun-oh began writing in the empty corner of his textbook.

‘How did this happen?’

But soon Hyun-oh scribbled over his own writing with black ink. The faint sound of scratching could be heard. Just then, as the professor called my name, I answered “Here” and watched Hyun-oh write.

‘Where are you planning to sleep?’

I took the pen from Hyun-oh. Since it was someone else’s book, I wrote in the smallest handwriting possible, which naturally made my shoulders hunch. Hyun-oh moved a little closer to me.

“Choi Hyun-oh? Student Choi Hyun-oh?”

“…Yes! I’m here!”

Hyun-oh, belatedly realizing his name had been called, raised his hand high to answer. During the weekend, I had thought about what to do going forward in my own way. In that time, I had written my full answer.

‘I’m thinking of staying at a jjimjilbang for now.’

As laughter erupted around us, Hyun-oh gave an embarrassed smile before lowering his head again to read what I had written. With his forehead fully exposed, I could clearly see his brow furrowing slightly. He mouthed the words I had written, then moved his hand to the blank space above.

‘What are you talking about? Jjimjilbangs are so dangerous. Come to my place.’

I opened my eyes wide and mouthed ‘Is that okay?’ Belatedly realizing I should have written it down, I saw that Hyun-oh seemed to have understood what I wanted to say anyway. Hyun-oh, holding the pen, wrote on the remaining white paper.

‘Yes, of course.’

‘Why do you startle so easily like a rabbit?’

‘Is it because you look like one?’

Hyun-oh filled all the remaining blank space with meaningless scribbles like ‘rabbit rabbbbit rabbbbbbit trotrabbbit,’ even drawing a picture of a rabbit singing trot music enthusiastically. Then he put down his pen.

Thanks to catching some sleep before class, or perhaps because Hyun-oh had readily offered his home, I thought I would be able to focus on the lecture with ease, but that wasn’t the case.

Although I knew all the alphabets, when the pronunciation differed, my fully grown brain refused to understand. With about a million question marks floating in my head as I listened to the lecture, I couldn’t bear the boredom anymore when we reached some pronunciation that sounded like “double v” or “Monopoly,” and habitually reached for my phone.

Only after turning it on did I remember why I had turned off my phone, but before I could react, I was startled by the missed call notifications that popped up.

The notification window that appeared with a buzzing vibration was full of missed call records and messages from Saheon hyung. My heart sank, and I couldn’t even read the contents. I inhaled sharply, eyes wide open, and when a call came in from Saheon hyung, I was so surprised that I dropped my phone.

There was a quite loud and unsettling cracking sound as the phone hit the hard cement floor. The briefly focused gazes of everyone scattered back to the front. I pressed down on my thumping chest and bent down to pick up the phone.

The phone had a large crack and was shattered, probably from landing on its corner. It was a devastating sight. I brought my hand to my mouth, covering my gaping mouth.

By then, the call had ended. I kept mouthing “What should I do, what should I do” while bringing my finger to the home button. But the screen, full of large cracks and fissures, remained completely black.

After pressing the home button several times and then holding down the power button, I covered my mouth with both hands when the screen remained unchanged. A chill ran down my spine as I realized something. The call hadn’t ended; the phone’s power had completely shut off.