Sweet Sugar Candyman

#13

My face flushed even more with embarrassment due to the friendly tone mixed with laughter. I felt like all my attempts to subtly test the waters had been laid bare. No, it seemed that they had indeed been exposed. My awkward hand pushed away the hat that was tightly held on my knee by hyung.

“…I’m sorry….”

An apology I couldn’t explain slipped out. Saheon, who had picked up the hat that had almost come to my chest, let out a small laugh. Every sound that came from hyung made my ears burn sensitively.

“Why? What are you sorry for? If you want to do it, then do it. If not, then don’t.”

Saheon placed the hat he received from me on the dashboard. My restless hand searched for something else to hold onto. The destination was the wide strap of my bag. Rubbing my thumb against the fabric at the back of the strap, I felt a rough texture.

“Did you want to go on a meeting?”

Having only looked at one person since childhood, I had no experience even close to dating, and just because I had become an adult didn’t mean my thoughts would change. But I also knew that if I spoke honestly, something I couldn’t handle would happen.

I tried to respond normally while rubbing the bag strap. Even when I tried to manage my expression, my gloomy face couldn’t be hidden well.

“Um, just….”

My vague answer clearly sounded positive to Saheon. Hyung continued speaking with a charming smile, still lifting one corner of his mouth.

“When you’re twenty, it’s the time for meetings, group dates, and introductions. If you get a chance, give it a try.”

My eyelids, unsure of where to focus, gradually drooped lower. I looked down at my knees and nodded slightly, as if I were about to disappear. I felt as if the cold and sorrowful wind of that day brushed against my ears.

In an instant, my mood turned gloomy. I realized the gap between Saheon and me. There was no awkwardness with hyung, whom I hadn’t seen in three years, due to a hasty confession and rejection, but if that reason wasn’t a big deal for Saheon, then…

I should be grateful that I could face him without feeling awkward, but my heart was cunningly not so.

Even if I could brush it off when I was a minor, looking so young, wouldn’t the situation be completely different now that I was an adult? Was it possible that the reason hyung allowed me to live with him was that he had organized the situation and memories to the point where he wouldn’t care about what had happened before?

It felt like I was still tied to the same spot. Saheon’s words, which I had simply thought were embarrassing because he had seen through my true feelings, were interpreted differently.

‘Are you going to keep doing that?’

A few more negative words were attached, clearly different from what hyung had said. Even though I knew it wasn’t true, Saheon’s words were already being interpreted negatively in my mind. Was he telling me to stop thinking about my feelings since I was aware of them? Suddenly, a vivid scene from yesterday’s confession flashed in my mind.

Having grown up together since childhood, I thought it was nice to feel like family, emotions are fleeting, and when someone who loves and cherishes you appears, you’ll realize it’s different, you’re too precious for me to like you, Cheongmyeong…

But whether in the past or now, Saheon was wrong. With my gloomy expression still evident, I rubbed the black bag strap aimlessly.

“I should go now.”

Saheon’s large hand settled on top of my head. Perhaps aware that we had to leave soon, his tousling touch was gentle. I nodded vaguely and said my goodbyes.

“Hyung, have a good trip.”

“Yeah.”

Saheon’s eyes curved. The tension had long since disappeared due to my gloomy feelings. I carefully got out of the car. The door closed with a bang.

As I briefly looked at the rearview mirror, I was about to enter the campus, but just a few steps later, a honking sound caught my attention. Turning around, I saw hyung in the driver’s seat gesturing for me to come over. I approached Saheon.

“Why?”

“Cheongmyeong.”

“…Yes?”

The passenger window was half-open. I bent down to look at Saheon inside the car. Hyung was leaning toward the side where I had just come out. It was a strange situation for hyung to be looking up at me.

“Ah….”

Hyung let out a low sigh and leaned back against the seat. Saheon, with blue veins bulging on the back of his hand gripping the steering wheel, looked like someone who was struggling to hold back something.

“You can go on a meeting,”

Being perceptive, I realized that Saheon’s words were connected to our previous conversation. My sulky heart made me nod as if to let things be. An aggressive movement slightly obscured my view with my hair.

A small laugh was heard. As I instinctively pressed down on my eyes, trying to suppress the urge to smile, a soothing, gentle voice followed.

“Cheongmyeong is smart, so you know that you shouldn’t do something like CC, right?”

Saheon’s lips formed a refreshing line. At his words, which sounded like a warning, a small gap appeared between my previously sulky lips.

“If you have a moment during a quick turn, I’ll buy you some Vietnamese snacks. Ah, it’s almost five minutes. Go in, see you tomorrow.”

Having finished what he wanted to say, Saheon quickly grabbed the steering wheel. As he hurried away, he waved his hand toward the open car window, leaving only lingering words behind. I stared blankly at the back of hyung’s car as it drove away.

When I regained my senses due to the cold, I could clearly feel that the weight that had been pressing down on my heart had been lifted by about half. Unbeknownst to me, my heart was beating a little faster.

I pressed down on my solar plexus. With every word hyung said, I felt like I was going back and forth between heaven and hell. Why was it that the former felt sad while the latter felt happy, even though they were the same request? I had tightly gripped the bag strap to the point of distortion and sealed my lips by pressing my upper lip against my lower lip to suppress the urge to smile.

***

To find the building announced in the group chat, I had to look at the map next to the main gate. If I had come for the freshman welcome or orientation, I would have found my way up without any trouble, but that didn’t apply to me.

The campus, resembling a low hill, looked sloped even from below. Holding tightly onto the bag strap while searching for the building on the guide, I found the name of the building I wanted.

Go up the path like a hiking trail, and at the first fork on the left, go inside. I stored the map in my mind with sharp eyes as if entering a route. After confirming one last time, my steps moved without any hindrance.

The campus in March was tinged with green. Contrary to what was visible, the weather was still winter, and the long padding I was wearing brushed against my knees repeatedly.

There was no one to talk to, and due to the cold, I found myself moving in quick steps, and before I knew it, I had arrived in front of the building. As I exhaled a slightly labored breath, white steam rose.

Confirming the name ‘Cheolmaegwan’ written above the main entrance on the first floor, I checked the room number that had been posted in the group chat. Room 305 on the third floor.

“305…. Room 305….”

The hallway was filled with the winter chill, and every time I muttered, white steam puffed out. I shoved my hands deep into my pockets and climbed the stairs. The musty smell unique to old buildings mixed with the winter wind.

Room 305 was at the end of the hallway. Among the empty classrooms, only the room at the very end felt bustling with people. Clenching my cold hands, I approached quickly.

The clock visible through the small window in the door indicated ten minutes before class started. As I peered inside, taking a deep breath, I carefully opened the door.

The gazes of people who had been chatting turned toward me. Some looked surprised, their eyes wide open at the appearance of a new person. I couldn’t erase my awkwardness as I scanned the room for a place to sit.

Suddenly, as many eyes focused on me, my shoulders stiffened with tension. The seats were already filled, neither too far nor too close. As I looked around for an empty spot, I suddenly realized a certain fact.

There were only girls. The sound of a fanfare announcing my confirmed ticket to outsider status echoed in my ears.

Having been worried all weekend due to Saheon’s warnings, I felt dizzy at the reality that had struck me again. Perhaps the others were just as flustered, as some of them looked at me directly, covering their mouths and whispering to the person next to them.

My throat trembled with tension. I suddenly wondered if I had come to the wrong classroom, but having checked the building name and room number, the possibility seemed very low.

With my head slightly bowed, I quickly searched for an empty seat and confirmed that there was one at the back corner. Just as I was about to move my feet, a voice called out to me.

“Are you in the French Language and Literature department too…?”

The classmate who had asked in informal speech seemed to realize that I might be a repeat student or a transfer student, as they awkwardly added polite speech. I answered in a small voice.

“Yes.”

“Is your name…?”

“I’m Lee Cheongmyeong….”

It seemed that the classmate was some sort of temporary class representative, as they raised their eyebrows upon confirming my name in the attendance sheet that was spread out. Having heard my major, it seemed I had indeed come to the right place.

“Ah, Lee Cheongmyeong!”

The classmate clapped her hands in delight, then chuckled, perhaps feeling awkward about her reaction. The classmates sitting around her giggled and playfully nudged her arm.

“Are you twenty years old?”

“Yes.”

“Then we’re the same age? Let’s speak casually. You’re Cheongmyeong, right? I didn’t recognize you since you didn’t come to the freshman welcome and orientation.”

The atmosphere was friendlier than I had expected. She continued to chatter away, not hiding her excitement.

“There are only girls here, and I thought you were a girl because of your long name, but there’s one more male classmate. Oh, I’m Shin Jiyu.”

Amid the whirlwind of information, the only thing I caught was that there was one more male classmate. When I glanced around, it seemed like everyone was a girl, but perhaps I had just missed it, and my gaze was about to shift naturally when the sound of the door opening from behind stopped me.

A loud, ragged breathing sound mixed in. Turning my head to look back, I saw a guy with his head bowed so low that only the light brown of his bleached hair was visible.

“Ah, huff, huff, safe. Ah, that was tough.”

The guy leaned back, panting heavily. Despite the cold weather, beads of sweat were forming on his forehead as if he had just sprinted.

His hair was a bright brown that looked a bit frizzy from bleaching, with two piercings in his left earlobe, and although he was covered by a black long padding, his light blue ripped pants were visible below.

Overall, he gave off a delinquent… no, a playful impression. I briefly scolded myself for thinking of him as a delinquent in front of someone and withdrew my searching gaze. Shin Jiyu spoke.

“The professor hasn’t arrived yet.”

“Ah, that’s a relief.”

The ‘another male classmate’ that Shin Jiyu mentioned seemed to be this delinquent right in front of me. I bit my tongue, feeling guilty about my unconscious choice of words.

“Choi Hyun-oh. You avoided the outsider path. Cheongmyeong was here too.”

Unlike Shin Jiyu’s choice of words, the two seemed very close. Even the classmates near her raised their hands with familiar faces, indicating that they had already become friends during the two previous meetings. Choi Hyun-oh, who was staring at me with wide eyes, asked.

“Cheongmyeong? Oh, are you in the French department too?”

“Yes.”

Seeing Shin Jiyu speaking comfortably with him, it seemed that Choi Hyun-oh was also the same age. The delinquent in front of me was acting friendly as if he were an old friend I hadn’t seen in years.

“Why didn’t you come to the orientation? I thought I was the only guy and got scared.”

“I had some circumstances.”

I mumbled evasively. However, it seemed that circumstances weren’t important to Choi Hyun-oh, as he lightly tapped my back without hurting me.

“Ah, I’m tired. Let’s sit down, let’s sit down. Shin Jiyu, move over a bit.”

The corner seat I had my eye on was quickly taken away. With Choi Hyun-oh on my left and Shin Jiyu on my right, I blinked blankly. Something was rushing in like a whirlwind.

“Cheongmyeong? What classes are you taking?”

“…I’ve registered for all the required courses for first-year, and for electives, I’m taking the online course and intermediate English, and Cats and Physics.”

“Uh? It’s me. Are you taking that cat? Your schedules must overlap a lot. So, I guess this will be the end for today?”

“Yeah.”

Choi Hyun-ho seemed like someone who had never known awkwardness since the day he was born. With a playful smile that was different from Saheon’s, he asked without hesitation.

“Then, after this, do you want to go have a drink with me?”