NOVEL NEXT 156: Everything I Loved
SHAH
"We're only two days out from Shurwinn, Daddy," I said into my video screen. It had been a long, long trip from Earth. We'd had two breaks on vacation spheres to keep us from going insane, but all of us were ready to get home. And my parents were meeting us there.
Why? Because Ronnie had invited them. Of course he had. He wanted to introduce them to Cyn. And my nonverbal brother and his nonverbal girlfriend expected to sit down and have a lovely non-chat with our parents. I pulled myself together and returned my attention to my dad, pretending I wanted to know the answer to the question I asked next.
"How are things going on the Five Spheres project?"
He smothered a knowing smile. "Fine, honey. Did you see the video of Uno city?"
I nodded. It was the first major city my dad had grown out of the ground on the first sphere he developed. The name "Uno" had been Peydran's suggestion. It meant "One" in an Earth language. And that was because it was the first sphere to be developed, and a metaphor for what my parents wanted to accomplish: a place where people who were different could congregate and feel safe and unified as one.
The city was beyond anything I could've ever imagined. Of course it was. It was grown out of the ground by my dad, but it was imagined by Ronnie, the most gifted artist in the Known Cosmos. Watching the video of it had felt like seeing something impossible come to life right in front of my eyes, and Ronnie and Cyn had nearly glowed with joy as they beheld it.
My twin was keeping a lot from me these days, but I'd seen the edge of something in his mind the last time he'd allowed me close. Yeah, it made me feel nauseous to be that close to Ronnie's mind, but I was trying to tolerate it more and more so I could understand him better. Try to see what he saw in the world that I didn't.
A lot. That's what Ronnie saw that I didn't: a lot.
Internal sigh.
"Of course, Dad. The video was amazing. You're amazing."
He laughed. "Why thanks, Shah. Just what I needed to hear. Do you want to go visit Uno with Mom and me?"
A rare slip. I forgot to keep my face neutral.
"Honey? It scares you?" My Dad seemed genuinely surprised. Crap! I'd let too much show on my face. Dammit.
I rubbed my face with my hand, trying to figure out a way to backpedal. I'd gotten too comfortable. All this time with Euri. Not pretending. Not lying. Just being my real self. It wasn't good for my public face.
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"I—." Did I want to keep lying to my Dad? Who had always been supportive? Who had never asked me to be anything other than who I was?
I couldn't do it. I couldn't do any of this. My heart started racing, and I broke out in a cold sweat, my breaths coming too fast.
"Okay, Portia. Let's drop that conversation. Tell me how Frank is doing. What did she eat for breakfast this morning?"
I blinked and blinked and reminded myself to breathe. I felt Euri's mental presence. He was down the hall, in Ronnie's studio looking through illustrations. I held onto his strength.
"Daddy, thank you. Thank you for always telling me and Ronnie to be ourselves. You and Mom are so amazing. I'm so lucky to be your daughter. I want to change some things about myself. I'm trying. I'm different now— with Euri. I'm not the same as I was, but I still have a lot to figure out. So, I'm gonna try, okay?"
"I don't know about Uno yet. I don't know if I'm ready for it. But, I think I need to make some changes. I don't even know how. The thought of it makes my heart go kaboom, and it's not easy. But, if you can be patient with me, I'm going to try to be different, okay? Is that enough for today?"
"Portia, you are always enough. Just exactly as you are. You are enough, and I love you."
The tears flooded my eyes and ran down my cheeks. "Thank you, Daddy. I love you too. Is Mom there?"
"No, honey. She's at an event tonight. You want to call her?"
I shook my head. "Just tell her I love her when she gets home. I'll see you soon. Two days in Shurwinn, right?"
"Yes. We'll see you there."
"I love you, Dad."
"I love you too, Shah."
I closed the video, and put my face in my hands, and let the tears fall. I felt Euri coming down the hall, and then his arms were around me. I didn't even really know why I was crying.
Poor Euri. First his brother had a melt down, now me. His love wrapped around me. He didn't care at all. He was perfectly fine to hold me and let me melt down. So I did.
I remembered that thing I'd seen in Ronnie's mind. I'd been pushing it away because I hadn't wanted to see it. I hadn't told Euri about it. I'd been trying to forget it for three days, but it surfaced as I cried.
Ronnie's mind wasn't like anything I'd ever seen from anyone else's, and Euri knew about it, so he was curious. I thought back. Well, at least I wasn't nauseated when it was just a memory. I focused on three days ago.
I'd been just waking up from a deep sleep, and Ronnie and I had connected. He'd shown me a vast river of green light. It had tributaries. Millions of them. Streams all coalescing. And Five Spheres. And Dad. And Cyn.
Ronnie's heart had been full of love and freedom when he'd shown me that river, and I hadn't been able to tell him that all it did was terrify me because his happiness had overflowed and infected me.
But once Ronnie was gone, I was left with my own feelings about Five Spheres. And a future where people like Ronnie and Cyn were going to go to Uno to live.
They would be targets.
That was the only thing I could think. So, with Euri wrapped around me, and inside my mind, I let him see what I was most afraid of. I didn't wail out loud, but in my mind and my soul, my whole being screamed in agony. Everything I loved would be a target for those who would abuse them.
My brother. My Mom. My Dad. Cyn.
None of us would ever be safe. There was no such thing as safety in the Known Cosmos.
Euri let me weep and wail, and all my terror went crashing out of me. He met it with love and acceptance, and I finally went quiet inside.
"Euri?" I whispered.
"Mmm?"
"Am I wrong?"
"We won't know until we try."
