Stalking Diary

Chapter 6

I, who had committed many wrongs, decided to run away first. As I was about to turn around quietly on my tiptoes, the convenience store plastic bag I was gripping tightly made an untimely rustling sound.

“You lost your notebook, right?”

And Joo Kwon-oh’s voice, having heard that sound and discovered me, stopped me in my tracks.

Since I’d been caught, running away openly would look a bit strange. Besides, we’d have to meet again in the liberal arts class anyway.

“Y-yeah.”

In the few seconds it took to approach him, all sorts of thoughts crossed my mind. It felt like my complicated mind was about to explode like fireworks.

I was even more distressed by this situation because I didn’t expect Joo Kwon-oh to bring up the notebook so openly.

“When did you start drawing?”

“F-from the first year of middle school…”

I barely managed to answer in a choked voice.

“No wonder you draw so well.”

Is he being sarcastic? Or sincere?

I, who had been staring intently at the toe of my shoe, finally lifted my head to look up at Joo Kwon-oh at those words.

He was staring down at me intently.

“…”

“…”

The art college building was generally gloomy and quiet, imbued with the souls of students worn out from late-night work. If it had been another department, at least one student who recognized Joo Kwon-oh would have approached to greet him, but now it was just quiet, with even Bae Yu-rim absent.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“…”

“Huh? What are you sorry for?”

It seemed Joo Kwon-oh wanted me to confess my sins in detail with my own mouth.

I bit my lower lip hard and ground my teeth. Even if I wanted to apologize more properly, my voice wouldn’t come out anymore.

“Shit, do you like men?”

“…”

“Are you gay?”

As expected. He must have seen all the contents and drawings in the notebook.

I clenched my hands tightly. If I didn’t, my hands would shake so much that I might drop the bag.

Although only Joo Kwon-oh and I were in the hallway, I felt like I was standing naked in the center of the campus.

“…Yes, I’m gay.”

After a long while, I finally confessed the truth in a shrinking voice.

“You drew the picture that was uploaded on Yu-rim’s Instagram, right?”

“Ah.”

“Is it me?”

“…”

“Or am I being too self-conscious?”

“It is you… But, I don’t draw that anymore.”

I felt the end of my voice trembling helplessly.

As the tension and fear surpassed their limits, my ears became muffled as the blood in my body flowed too quickly. My vision seemed to blur as well.

“If it makes you uncomfortable, I’ll throw it away. Even I… if it were me, I would have been angry too.”

“Huh, this is fucking ridiculous.”

Joo Kwon-oh muttered briefly.

I thought he would raise his voice and get angry right away, but he didn’t say anything after that. That made me even more anxious.

After a long silence, I finally had to speak first again.

“Did you… come to ask about that? About me being g-g-gay…”

“Oh, among other things.”

“Among other things… meaning?”

Not understanding what he meant, I asked back. Joo Kwon-oh crossed his arms, looked down at me for a few seconds, then began to speak.

“How’s the research going?”

“Huh?”

“You were supposed to make the table of contents for our liberal arts assignment, remember?”

“Oh, that.”

It was a completely unexpected topic. Because of this, I could only catch up with Joo Kwon-oh’s rapidly spoken words one beat behind.

“Thinking about it, I feel like I was a bit harsh.”

“…”

“Honestly, I thought dumping the task of selecting topics and making the table of contents on you was too much.”

I never imagined he would come looking for me because of that. Even though there was a lot to do, I wasn’t in a position to complain.

“No, no. I can handle it alone.”

“Really? Well, if you say so…”

“Ryu Jeong-ha! Didn’t you say you were going to the convenience store? What did you buy?”

Just as Joo Kwon-oh was about to say something more, a classmate’s voice interrupted.

I turned around, startled like someone caught doing something wrong.

“Oh, were you with a friend?”

“We had something to discuss about the liberal arts class…”

“Earlier, some people were looking for you to ask you to buy milk.”

“I got the message and bought it. I’ll be right in.”

After hurriedly explaining to my classmate, I turned my head back, but Joo Kwon-oh was already turning away and leaving the hallway.

Left alone in the hallway, I blankly stared at his retreating figure.

Is this… really all?

*

Even after returning to my studio apartment, I remained in a daze, lost in thought for a long time.

Honestly, based on the Joo Kwon-oh I had observed from afar for a short period, I expected him to subtly show his disgust for gays and minimize our interactions until the semester ended. Or maybe I’d be outed in a big way.

I never assumed he would come looking for me directly like today.

Should I not have told the truth about being gay? Should I have made up a plausible excuse when I received that question?

A small regret belatedly washed over me.

[Yu-rim: Jeong-ha, Jeong-ha. What are you doing?]

What woke me from my reverie was a KakaoTalk message from Bae Yu-rim.

[Me: Just lying down]

[Yu-rim: We’re all breaking our heads working late]

[Yu-rim: Did you leave by yourself?]

[Me: I was tired ㅠ]

[Me: Why?]

[Yu-rim: Is something going on these days? You look down ㅇㅅㅇ]

[Me: Just worrying about the practical assignment..ㅠ]

[Yu-rim: Me too]

[Yu-rim: I’m going crazy because I can’t decide on that]

I could almost hear Bae Yu-rim’s dejected voice through the text saying she was going crazy. I understood how she felt, as she hadn’t even started a simple sketch for the new assignment yet.

There’s probably no one who could empathize with that feeling as much as I, who wanted to draw someone like Bae Yu-rim.

[Yu-rim: So, what are you doing on Saturday?]

[Me: Probably working on the practical assignment?]

[Yu-rim: So you don’t have any specific plans, right? ㅇㅅㅇ]

[Yu-rim: Then let’s go to a brunch cafe in Bucheon together ㅋㅋ]

[Me: All the way to Bucheon for a cafe?]

[Yu-rim: To fish for a model ㄱㄱ]

[Me: A model for the assignment?]

It seemed Bae Yu-rim still wanted to do a portrait for the practical assignment.

[Yu-rim: Of course ^^]

Bucheon wasn’t too far, but it would be troublesome to actually go there.

Honestly, it’s annoying. Should I refuse?

I pondered for a few minutes, holding off on replying.

But I thought that at times like this when I’m feeling down, it would be better to go out and get some fresh air rather than agonizing over things that aren’t working out.

I was also curious about who the new model Bae Yu-rim, who had similar aesthetic sensibilities to me, would want.

[Me: Okay ㅎ]

So I accepted the proposal, despite the inconvenience.

That’s how desperate I was to escape this depression and anxiety that had come crashing down on me. Even if just for a moment.

*

“The model you’re trying to fish for… is that him?”

“Yeah.”

Saturday afternoon. As soon as Bae Yu-rim and I entered a cafe in Bucheon, I was seized by the urge to leave again.

Because I saw Joo Kwon-oh walking around the hall wearing an apron with the cafe logo on it.

“D-didn’t Joo Kwon-oh refuse? Hadn’t you given up?”

I hurriedly whispered to Bae Yu-rim.

Bae Yu-rim, oblivious to my burning insides, calmly walked into the store and sat down at the only remaining window seat.

“It’s a shame to give up after just one try.”

“…”

“He might have been playing hard to get.”

I don’t think that’s the case.

“Jeong-ha. By the way, do you know Kwon-oh? You talk as if you know him well.”

“No, I’ve just heard his name…”

“Anyway, don’t just stand there, sit down quickly.”

I sat down, hiding my troubled expression. Bae Yu-rim doesn’t know about me being caught stalking Joo Kwon-oh, so it would be strange if I suddenly said I wanted to leave.

By the way, did Joo Kwon-oh have a part-time job? Why is he working at a brunch cafe in Bucheon?

“Isn’t it quite far from school to work part-time here?”

“Oh, he doesn’t usually work here, he’s filling in for a friend today.”

“How did you know that?”

“I have my ways, Jeong-ha.”

Bae Yu-rim shrugged and opened the menu. I vaguely heard her asking what I wanted to eat, but there was no way such words could properly reach my ears right now.

Is this what it feels like to sit on pins and needles? Already branded as a gay stalker, now I’ve even tracked down the brunch cafe where Joo Kwon-oh is temporarily working. My heart was pounding wildly, afraid he might curse me as a crazy bastard as soon as he discovers me.

Should I say I’m leaving now?

While I was experiencing serious inner conflict, Joo Kwon-oh, who was serving, finally noticed our table. He was walking over with a water bottle and cups in a familiar motion when our eyes met.

“…”

I lowered my head as if I’d been burned.

As Joo Kwon-oh’s footsteps got closer and closer, my heart beat faster and louder.

“Oh, Kwon-oh. Hi!”

“What brings you here?”

Unlike me, Bae Yu-rim greeted Joo Kwon-oh cheerfully as soon as their eyes met. I, like a criminal, couldn’t find a place to look and anxiously picked at my nails.

“I heard you were doing a one-day part-time job here, so I came to see. You won’t kick us out, right?”