NOVEL NEXT Living with guilt
A sharp pain stabs the middle of my throat. My joints lock up, trapping me in place. The purple-haired girl examines Jed’s posture. He’s ready for the both of us, handling his spear with a single hand, as usual. His eyes dart between me and the other girl.
All I got for a weapon was this wooden bow slung on my back. Bows are effective when fighting with the element of surprise and as a backup. But I count on that, and I’m fighting this bastard!
Blood trickles down Nunnalé’s leg. I don’t know how she’s still standing with that wound.
Jed sways back and forth, flicking his spear, the thin metal piece of his weapon loose. Tiny jaw-like blades, each one rotating around the thin strip. A single touch of those razor-sharp talons, and we’re dead. The purple-haired girl stabs a sword - she got out of nowhere - into the ground. The chain wraps around it. She immediately rushes forward.
Jed recalls the chain from his weapon, flinging the girl’s sword from the ground. It spins at the girl, threatening to pierce her back. She struts her hand out, summoning it to her side.
Jed takes the first step forward, keeping his spear behind him. He’s agile in how he swings his weapon, shifting his body around to gain momentum behind his attacks and to throw his opponent off track. Nunnalé, however, parries each blow he makes.
I take off the bow on my back and knock back an arrow. My other was better than this piece of crap, far better. Maybe…No, that doesn’t matter right now. And even if I could remake it, I never will, not as long as I live.
The string of my bow rubber bands when I let go of the arrow. The wind is calm, my aim’s good, and Jed isn’t moving too fast; it should hit!
He kicks away at Nunnalé, spinning himself out of the arrow’s path. I knock back two arrows and then release them. Jed swipes them out of the way effortlessly.
Normal arrows won’t cut it. Good thing I’m not a one-trick pony!
Jed rushes forward right when I reach for THAT arrow. There’s a black bag tied to the front of the arrowhead. He’s spinning around for another attack. From the sides, or a thrust, either way, it’s going to kill me if it hits. Wedge’s dismembered arm flashes in my mind.
“Puck!”
Shit! Now isn’t the time for that! In a second, those rotating blades are going to grind through my chest. Adrenaline flows through my body, pumping it full of energy. I take a risk and jump over his blades. Landing on the shaft, I punt his head with all the strength I got. His body falls backward. Forget about the special arrow, a normal arrow will finish this!
Nunnalé charges in, the same time I slip an arrow on the string… Something is wrong! Why is his body falling to the ground? I hit him, but not hard enough to knock him down!
“Get back!”
She stops dead in her tracks, but it’s already too late. A brief moment passes, and we watch him fall to the ground with his weapon in hand. My eyes hone in on his limp body, almost about to hit the ground. Right then, he flashes me a smile teeming with menacing delight. His body spins around uncontrollably when his back grazed the ground.
“Oh, shit!”
A hurricane of pure killing intent runs wild. Thin silver flashes leave gigantic gashes all over, cutting out chunks from the already messed up buildings around us. The support beams for the building Proxy and his group were camping in begin to give way.
“Wedge!”
Crap, crap, crap, crap! He was aiming for all of us at the same time, and I didn’t even see it coming! I race through the collapsing building, dodging the falling rubble. Wedge’s body lies motionless on the ground. The roof is about to give way.
“Come! We need to…go!”
It’s no use! He’s too heavy for me to lift out of here. We’ll get crushed before we can make it out! This isn’t the end. There’s no way this is it…!
…/Marie
It never ends. The horrible memories I buried long ago keep playing inside my head, on repeat, without pause. Over, and over, and over, fire consumes my home, my father, and mother. Looking away does nothing, plugging my ears means little; the events play inside my head, and the sounds of crackling fire echo inside my head.
Worse of all, their voices keep growing louder, booming inside of my head, blaming me, cursing me all the while
I deserve it, all of this… I killed them all with my own hands. Their blood soaked into my skin as their bodies lay lifeless on the ground, mangled, disfigured, punctured, riddled with spears and lances, absorbing their blood into their blades.
“You should have died.” A small girl, wearing a neat, shimmering white dress. Her hair is kept in a small bun. Her beady little eyes gaze at mine, digging deep into my soul. “You should have died.”
That’s all she says. All I could do was scream and yell. I even tried to choke her to death. Now, all I can do is just lifelessly watch her, telling me I deserve to die… She’s right, I deserve to. Why did I live? Why did I think my life was more important? I should just die…
“You should have died.”
I know…
“That fire should have killed me too… The outside should have killed me. I should have killed myself…”
Please, just let it end… I’m just tired.
“...Marie, I don’t blame you for what happened, but I get you blame yourself…” A boy, towering over the little girl, says, wearing a warm smile. His words are genuine, striking a cord inside me. “I’ll never forget your kindness when you gave me and Richard a place to stay. No matter what, I’ll always be grateful to you.”
Shut up, that isn’t true!
Then, another person appears, standing next to him with a determined, yet kind smile. “...I promised I would always protect you, but I had failed to save you myself. In that, I pushed myself away from you…” Self-loathing carries within every word he uttered, biting back the pain that comes with it. “I was a fool! A fool who was too damn proud to face you out of the shame of his failure!”
“You’re wrong, it’s my fault!”
“...That is why I will not run from you, or my failings! You are my sister, and I could have not been any prouder of you! So when we return, I will face you!”
No, no, no, no! I jump up to my feet, burning with anger, not at them, but at myself.
“Proud! How can you be proud!? I killed people! Just for myself! I used anyone I could just to survive! You should both hate me, loath me, despise me! I almost…I almost killed you all…” My body goes limp, losing the burst of energy that it had. “...What I did can’t be forgiven, no matter what I do… I should just disappear.”
“But then we would miss you.”
Richard’s voice joins the figures haunting me with their kind words.
“You shouldn’t. I’ll only hurt you. A horrid person like me will–”
“Stop sayin’ all that garbage!” Elizabeth swings her arms around Proxy and Alexander. “Kinda weird hearin’ you speak like that just bums me out. Wanna get hammered and take off the edge?”
I can’t take this anymore! Don’t they get it? Are they just tormenting me? They should just stop it already!
“Marie…” Nunnalé, standing next to Richard, her hair shorter and messier than usual. “...Even if you are not my master, I wish to defend you.”
Damnit…damnit! I can’t take it anymore. Just leave me alone already!
“Why do you all want me? I…I’m a murderer. Stop trying to make me feel better… I know, you all know it too; that I should die.”
“You should have died,” the little girl, standing in front of the crowd, repeats. “...You keep begging everyone to say it, but you’re the only one who wants that.” What the… Did she actually say something else? “You’re the only one who wants you to die. No one here has ever wished for you to die, let alone suffer. So why don’t you go play with everyone.”
“You wouldn’t understand. You’re–”
“Dummy! I do! I’m you, Marie.” She edges closer to me, beaming at me with a cute smile. “You didn’t mean to hurt everyone, so it’s fine, right?”
“But what about the other people I killed!?” I roared, fed up with this brat. “I killed them, I did that! Innocent people who didn’t do anything to me! All just to save my worthless skin! So what about that, huh!? Do I have the right to keep living after that!? Don’t give me that crap!”
She turns around, humming to herself while tapping her tiny feet. “...Then we should take responsibility.”
“Take responsibility?”
“You’re here because you want to run away. You want to die because it’s easier than living with this guilt.” A hard lump in my throat prevents me from speaking. What she’s saying cuts deep at my heart, and her being a kid isn’t making this any better. “But even if we die, they won’t come back, and you would only be hurting those around you if you did die.”
“Still…”
“Death will bring an end to your pain, but bring more pain to others. Is that what you want?”
“No! Of course not! But how am I supposed to take responsibility!? Tell me!”
“By living.” A simple clear-cut answer that didn’t need any more thought behind it. But that alone baffled the shit out of me. “...Living is the only way to make up for the pain we cause, and stopping the Fire Wraiths is the only way.”
She offers her hand. “Let’s go. Back to where we belong.”
A pleasant aura wraps around the small girl. Her hands are soft, not a single callous on her palm. Despite her size, she pulls me forward toward everybody else.
“You can’t redeem yourself.”
My younger self hides behind my legs. A faceless figure, drenched in a black, murky substance stands across from me.
“No matter what you do, your crimes will stay with you. The blood on your hands will forever stain you.”
I figured as much, but…I guess that’s something I’m gonna have to accept. No matter what I do, there’s no bringing those people back; their blood is on my hands. Even so…
“I…don’t want to waste their lives. Even if I have no right to live, I don’t… I won’t let the lives I took be for nothing!”
What’s right, what’s wrong, what I should be doing, and what I shouldn’t, all of these damn hard to answer. Maybe this isn’t what my victims want, but I want to make their lives mean something. Most of all, I want to be with everybody!
“Then you’ll live with this guilt?”
“Yeah, I will.”
The dark figure sways a little, like a flame dancing in the wind. As intimidating as it looks, it isn’t hostile, or at least I don’t feel that it is. “Fine, but you better not moan and groan, or even come back here saying you regret your decision.”
“Don’t worry, I’m sure of this.”
“Then you won’t mind if we walk side by side now, right?”
“Not one bit.”
It wouldn’t be right if I didn’t. After all, it’s also me. Whether I want it to or not, I’ll have to take that part of me with me; all of my negative and repressed emotions are a part of me.
“Me too,” the younger version of me cheers. “I wanna go to.”
I chuckle and brush her hair. “Course you can.”
I take her warm, tiny hands, guiding her back to the others. Those deaths, their cries of anguish, and their hatred for me will never go away, and I’ll always feel it, engraved deep into my soul. Perhaps I have no right to feel happiness or to even live, but I’m going to anyway. Not just for myself, but for those who are still alive, and to make things right.
When I wake up, I want to talk to everyone, and tell them everything, including who I actually am…
Laguna - Anti-bandit army camp
Rubble rains around Puck and Wedge, one of whom is unconscious, and the other struggles to relocate themselves to safety. Impeded by the falling debris and the added weight of Wedge, Puck won’t make it to the end of the other end. She and Wedge will be crushed under the rubble, Jed will achieve his goal, and Cade will lose himself…
“Come on, move it!”
Puck is pushed toward the exit of the collapsing building. And not a second later, the building gives way. The crumbling bricks cascade on each other, smashing them to dust. A large dust cloud blows past the people who witnessed its collapse. Nunnalé had run inside to get Marie…
“So, you’re the only survivors? How ironic. But, it would be inhumane for human beings to suffer such deaths. At least by my hands, it will be quick.”
“Like I’d let you! A freak like you is far from human! The way you act, talk, and even look. You’re subhuman.”
Jed fazed by her comment, scratches his head. Not that it bothers him, he’s more or less confused. “How so? Is an animal a human the moment it speaks our language?”
“What?”
“Is it?”
“No, dumbass!”
He snaps his finger, pointing his finger at Puck. “Exactly.” Puck is taken aback, beyond bewildered at this point. “...It would still be an animal. If a human does it, then that means it falls within human nature. My nature as a person is to follow my gut and achieve my life’s goals. All men, women, and children have this drive. Just look at Cade. He’s completely thrown caution to the wind to eliminate the bandits.”
“Shut it! You’re the piece of shit who pushed him that far! It’s your fault!”
“Fault? As if it were a mistake? But this was always meant to happen. All I did was expedite the process. In the end, this is who he was meant to be.”
She gnashes her teeth, burning with the urge to snap his neck. But she knows better than anyone that she’d just be cut to ribbons if she makes a move.
“Hm?”
A rock shuffles from onto the pile of rubble behind Puck for a split second. It was inconsequential, but he knows better than to think of it like that. If Nunnalé had survived the collapse of the building, she’d still be a problem.
He targeted her first to keep her from overtaking him with her superhuman strength. If she returns to the fight at full strength, he’s guaranteed to lose this fight. However, the cut she suffered was deep. Even with her healing factor, she would not be able to operate at her strongest for the rest of the night. Jed’s chances of winning are still high, and Nunnalé’s current state won’t change that… So what if a third person is thrown into the pot?
A large rock rockets into the sky. Jed’s attention switched to the rock in the air on instinct. But he quickly realized that something made it launch like that from the rubble. His eyes came back down only for the tip of a blade to be seconds away from piercing his neck.
He barely dodges it by the skin of his teeth. A second later, he would’ve had a hole poked through his throat. It's followed up by another swift strike from his current assailant. Their relentless push keeps him on guard, forcing him to move back until he can make a clean break. The opportunity presents itself when he ducks under their sword.
Someone else intercepts him. Their eyes meet. Bewilderment in Jed’s eyes meets a sharply focused set of black eyes. For a moment, he let his guard down, enough to let the surprise sink in for a minute. A boot smashes into his pretty face before he can collect his thoughts. Oddly enough, the dirty strike set his thoughts aside and put him back into the fight.
Both opponents bolt after him from different sides. He wastes no time analyzing the situation as he grabs his weapon with both hands. Like this, he can take on two opponents at once, and with his keen sight.
A flurry of strikes resound within the area. The three combatants fight without holding back an inch. Although rare, whenever Jed uses two hands for his weapon, it means he’s focusing on defense, parrying and opening for a counter. This countermeasure is useful for taking on multiple enemies. Combining this with the nature of his weapon, he’s almost untouchable.
Unfortunately, he’s not fighting average people. They keep testing his defense, pushing him further into a corner. Cracks in his defense start to give way trying to keep up with them. He undoes the loop of his chainsaw to make a clean break. He goes for their legs, making his enemies back off.
“This is quite unfair. Two ladies ganging up on me. But tell me, why have I never seen you before, ms?”
One of the ladies brushes aside her long, unkept, shoulder-length hair. She scoffs. “Funny, seeing how you’re the one picking on people. Why don’t you try fighting someone you’re own size, you weird son of a bitch!”
Her face, although seemingly worn out, beams with confidence as she sports a cocky grin. She had finally awoken from her mental slumber, returning to the place she belongs. Marie has returned to the battlefield.