Solo For Two

“What’s wrong?”“Why would he tell me not to come?”“Dad?”“Yes.”Looking up from below, I could see Sasha’s chest rising and falling shallowly. This was a bad sign. It was a signal that Sasha was about to do something irrational. If left alone, Sasha might even jump into the fountain.“Sasha?”“Why…? Why?”Sasha seemed to be lost in his thoughts, having forgotten about me.“Sir, breakfast is ready.”“Sasha is….”“He’ll eat when he’s hungry.”I ate breakfast alone.When I washed my face, changed clothes, and came back to the living room, Sasha motioned for me to come over. As I approached, I noticed his eyes were slightly red.A few steps away, I was pulled into Sasha’s embrace. Sasha hugged me tightly, almost suffocating me. Surprised by the sudden hug, I choked but hugged him back.“What if your dad is seeing someone else?”“What?!”I was so startled that I jumped while still in his arms.“Dad is seeing someone else?”“Just if…. It could happen on a business trip. Karel meets a lot of people…. Someone who looks like me but is kinder and gentler, and doesn’t drink….”Sasha was trembling so pitifully that I patted his back. My head spun.Dad seeing someone else.Someone kinder and gentler than Sasha, who doesn’t drink.In that case, we couldn’t stop him.Could they be getting a divorce?Dad would no longer be our dad?What if he leaves us, me and Sasha, for somewhere else…?No way!Dad has always told me, ‘You must protect Sasha when I’m not around,’ drilling it into my head. Back then, I boasted that I could do it, but… to be honest, I’m only eight years old, and it’s impossible when you think about it.Sasha loves me very much, but he’s entirely different from Dad, and I was a bit doubtful if he could raise me well. So now, I would truly become the head of this house.I felt dizzy. I wanted to cry too, but I held back in front of Sasha. If I cried too, how hopeless would Sasha feel?So I secretly left the house alone.I decided to meet Dad and have a talk.＊ ＊ ＊I asked the gardener to take me to the hotel in his tree transport vehicle. I already knew from overhearing Sasha’s call in the morning that Dad was at the Ritz-Carlton. The problem was I didn’t know which floor or room he was in.I figured knocking on every door in the hallway would be rude to the other guests, so I waited in front of the hotel’s huge glass doors. I tried to stand confidently, but after a while, my legs began to ache. I crouched down next to a boy in uniform.“Who are you waiting for?”“Don’t mind me. I’m waiting for my dad to come out.”“Is your father inside?”“Yes, probably….”“Where is your mother?”“She’s crying at home.”The boy looked at me with a pitiful expression and, for some reason, let me inside. He also encouraged me to go bring my father back home. Hearing that made me think I should be more proactive. I went straight to the lobby desk.“Excuse me, is Mr. Karel Clements here…?”“Charles Sedrin?”A young, pretty woman whose face I didn’t remember spoke to me very familiarly.“How many years has it been? It feels like just yesterday when you were toddling around….”“You look just like you did when you were young! As you grow up, you resemble Sedrin more and more.”Next to her, a middle-aged manager with graying hair, dressed in a suit, glanced at me and welcomed me. Before I knew it, I was in his arms, riding the hotel elevator.Things were going too well, and it felt strange.“Mr. Clements, it’s a visit from your godson, Charles Sedrin.”And soon after, the door opened, revealing my real dad.For a moment, I almost shouted, “Dad!” But before the words came out, I quickly covered my mouth with both hands. When I made eye contact with Dad, I giggled while still covering my mouth.I had already promised to act as if Dad only had one child, Sasha Sedrin, in front of others. So I never called him Dad in front of others. It felt thrilling every time to hide it, like performing in a fun play.“Just wait a moment. I’ll have juice and snacks sent to the room.”“Thank you, Mr. Manager.”The manager handed me over to Dad’s arms. The door closed behind me. I hugged Dad’s neck. His skin was much warmer and firmer than Sasha’s.“Charles, did you come alone? Where’s Sasha?”“Sasha is at home.”Dad’s expression was a mix of disappointment and relief. His jaw was scratchy. He had some stubble growing, and his face looked tired.“They say going out from home is hard. Dad, let’s go back home together.”Dad sighed again at my words. I didn’t understand why Sasha and Dad, both regretful, didn’t reconcile quickly.“Are you still angry?”“I’m not angry.”Liar! I was astonished.This is why you can’t trust adults. They act like it’s a big deal if they’re honest. But I pretended to understand maturely.“That’s even better. If you’re not angry anymore, let’s go home together now. And please forgive Sasha.”“Forgive? I told you, I wasn’t angry at Sasha in the first place.”I gave Dad a skeptical look, and he sighed and continued speaking.“Sasha… knows how to get out of things. He knows I’ll let it go no matter what he does. I can’t fix his drinking habit by going easy on him.”Dad meant to give Sasha a ‘shock therapy.’ If that was the intention, it seemed to have worked well. Sasha was crying, thinking Dad had abandoned him.“Was I too harsh? Maybe. But if I don’t go this far, Sasha will make the same mistake again someday. Charles, think about it. What if I’m no longer in this world? Wouldn’t Sasha use sadness as an excuse and fall back into drinking? I need to fix that drinking habit firmly. It could have been a real disaster this time. Again, he didn’t value himself….”I was puzzled at the part about not valuing himself.“Sasha was happy drinking, though. And actually….”I spoke in a quiet voice.“I encouraged Sasha to drink… because I was curious about the taste too. Sasha really tried to stop me. He tried to keep his promise. But I was so curious that I took a sip when Sasha wasn’t looking….”Dad’s eyes narrowed at my words. He quickly criticized me.“There were two drunks in my house.”“Are you disappointed?”“Yes. I can’t tolerate drunks.”“Are you going to kick me out again?”I asked fearfully.The last time I was kicked out, three weeks ago, was because I poured dish soap into the fountain. I filled the whole garden with bubbles and enjoyed a bubble party. But the fun was short-lived…. Since Dad kicked me out without giving me shoes, I couldn’t go far and had to hide in the garden. It was really upsetting then.“If I had my way.”Dad had a stern expression, but he pulled me in for a hug.“Charles, alcohol is not like chocolate. Drinking too much can really kill you. And you know Sasha is particularly sensitive to medication, so I have to carefully choose even cold medicine for him.”“It could kill?”That was the first time I’d heard that. According to Dad, it meant I pushed Sasha towards death.“Yes. Do you understand why I did that now?”I hesitated a bit and said.“It’s okay now. Sasha won’t drink. Because Sasha….”Before I could say, ‘poured all the alcohol into the fountain,’ Dad interrupted me.“Wait, Charles.”“Yes?”“You should call Sasha your father. With respect.”I muttered, unable to hide my displeasure. ‘Sasha is Sasha.’“You have no idea how hard Sasha worked to raise you.”Dad is the one who spent the most time with me, acted strictly like a parent, and tucked me in every night. Yet he says Sasha had a hard time.When I was younger, I thought Sasha was a relative who was closely associated with our family, like Aunt Levin. Until a few years ago, Sasha often left home for performances and frequently went on long trips abroad.Dad and I followed Sasha, spending half of each year living in hotels. After finishing his schedule and returning to the hotel, Sasha often collapsed from exhaustion before even kissing me goodnight.Though I don’t remember it, Sasha once spent a day playing with me and bought me a bunch of new toys. Apparently, I said this to him:‘I really like this person. I wish they could come to our house every day.’Sasha was so shocked by my words that he lay facing the wall all day.After that incident, Dad taught me for a while, saying, ‘That’s Sasha’s job, so you have to understand.’So it shouldn’t be such a big deal for Sasha that Dad has been on a business trip for two weeks. So far, it’s always been Dad and me waiting for Sasha when he was away. Dad has waited long enough until now.“Imagine how sad Sasha would be if you didn’t call him Father.”“Sasha.”“Father.”“…Father never mentioned it….”Sasha didn’t care at all whether I called him Father or Sasha. And strictly speaking, the reason I call Sasha by his name is because of Dad.Sometimes, Sasha referred to Dad as ‘your father’ or ‘your dad’ instead of Karel, but Dad never did that. Dad always called Sasha ‘Sasha,’ and I grew up listening to that soft sound since I was very young. It’s said that when I first began to speak, I babbled ‘Sasha.’ Sasha was so pleased that he’s told me that story at least twelve times.At that moment, there was a knock at the door.“It’s probably your snack. Go and get it yourself.”“Okay.”“Make sure to say thank you.”I slipped out of Dad’s arms and approached the door. When I unlocked and opened it, I was surprised to see Sasha standing there.“Sasha!”I shouted with delight and surprise, but Sasha stood outside and didn’t come in.Water dripped down from where Sasha stood. I lifted my head to see that Sasha was soaking wet. Sasha’s white hand went up to remove his hat, and water pooled on the brim dripped at my feet.“Sasha?”Dad approached quickly from behind.“Why are you so wet?”At that moment, I stepped back, feeling deflated. I realized that Dad’s single remark had ended their fight.“I was walking, and suddenly… a shower started pouring down.”“You walked here? So you got caught in the rain? Come inside quickly.”When he coldly said, “I don’t want to talk to you,” and left without looking back. Now, Dad was frantically helping Sasha out of his coat and drying his face with a towel. Water dripped from the ends of Sasha’s wet hair.Dad told me to bring the laundry basket. When I held it out, Sasha’s waterlogged jacket and shirt fell into it with a thud.Then I saw Sasha’s face start to crumble with tears. Dad, who was still helping Sasha out of his clothes, seemed unaware. The look of fear and guilt that filled Sasha’s face flickered to relief the moment Dad spoke words of concern for Sasha.When Dad took off Sasha’s wet socks and dried his feet, Sasha’s expression quickly crumbled, and tears streamed down his cheeks. I watched Sasha’s crying face in silence.When Sasha sniffled, trying to hold back tears, Dad looked up with a puzzled expression. Finally, Dad realized that Sasha was crying.“Sasha, why are you crying?”“Oh, isn’t there anyone inside?”“What are you talking about?”“You told me not to come… remember?”“……”“Is there someone in the bedroom?”At those words, Dad stood up and tossed the towel into the laundry basket I was holding. His aim was off, and it landed on my head, but Dad didn’t seem to notice.“Why are you having such delusions?”“It’s my delusion?”“Yes. You still don’t trust me?”I removed the towel covering my view and placed it in the laundry basket. Surely they wouldn’t fight again, right? But even if they did, it wouldn’t be a surprise.Dad stepped aside, inviting Sasha to open the bedroom door and see for himself.Sasha hesitated, then headed for the bedroom. He had taken off all his wet clothes except for his pants, which were leaving marks on the carpet as water dripped from them.Just before Sasha opened the bedroom door, my heart started to race. What if my new stepmother or stepfather was inside? The thought made me anxious.Click.The door opened. I sighed in relief. Fortunately, there was no one inside.Sasha turned back and glanced at Dad, then walked towards the bathroom. Dad stood with his hands on his hips, silently watching Sasha’s actions. It was hard to tell if Dad was angry or not. But it was clear he wasn’t in a good mood.I wondered briefly what Dad was feeling.Then Sasha opened the bathroom door, which was also empty.With tears in his eyes again, Sasha approached Dad. He hugged Dad tightly, burrowing into his arms, asking for forgiveness.“I’m hopeless.”“I know.”A smile slowly crept onto Dad’s lips as he patted Sasha’s back. I understood Mrs. Laurent’s words that there’s no need to worry about the affairs of a couple living under the same roof.“You suspect me out of delusion, but I suspect you for valid reasons.”“Okay.”“Even though I’m anxious that you’ll drink again, I adjusted the cabinet for you.”“Okay….”Dad gently brushed Sasha’s wet hair with care. I apologized to Dad in my heart for doubting him, even for a moment, and for worrying he’d be angry at Sasha for checking the bedroom.I quietly placed the laundry basket by the door.＊ ＊ ＊Sasha sat on the sofa in a robe, warming up by the fireplace. I shared the ice cream given to me by the manager with Sasha.“I thought about why I broke the bottle while I was alone at home.”Sasha seemed ready for a confession. Since Sasha didn’t want to leave Dad’s side, I maturely gave them the spacious spot and sat in a single chair.Sasha lay in Dad’s arms, leaning his face against Dad’s chest and fiddling with Dad’s hand. He kept rubbing his cheek and looking up at Dad like a large cat. I knew this was a form of pouting because I felt the same way when I got scolded by Dad.“I was pouring the alcohol out, and suddenly, I got angry… Because you always try to punish me. I know I did wrong, but…”“……”“At times like that, you feel more like a teacher than a husband.”Here, Sasha glanced nervously.“I’m two years older than you, and we both earn money and raise Charles together.”Dad didn’t reply and looked down. Sasha hurriedly added.“I’m not saying I didn’t do anything wrong.”“I know.”Dad kissed Sasha on the forehead.“I understand you felt miserable.”“Don’t be so harsh on me next time.”As Sasha spoke, his face began to fill with sadness, perhaps recalling that time.“I was happy to see you after two weeks… But you were punishing me. Didn’t you miss me?”“……”“When I was crying, you just watched with your arms crossed. I wasn’t doing it because I didn’t want to pour the alcohol out. I did it because I didn’t like your attitude. Even though I begged you, you stood there waiting for me to open the bottle, like a watchman!”Sasha’s breath quickened, and he seemed to get worked up again.I now understood the whole story of their fight. I also realized that Sasha breaking the bottle impulsively wasn’t just a fit of rage.Sasha disliked Dad’s strictness towards him. Suddenly, I wanted to side with Sasha. No matter how kind Dad usually is to Sasha, people like that can be scary when they get angry. I remember how upset I was when I was chased into the garden without my shoes….At that time, I was scared that Dad was disappointed in me and worried that he wouldn’t love me as he did before. I regretted it so much that I wanted to disappear from the world, thinking I had ruined everything.“Who was it that came home after two weeks completely drunk?”Dad pinched Sasha’s cheek and shook it lightly.“Who was it that called me ugly, slapped me, kicked me out of bed, and stubbornly refused to let me touch you all night?”Sasha’s eyes, which had been confident until a moment ago, wavered with guilt.“Did I do that?”“Yes. And the next day, you kept throwing up from the hangover, couldn’t eat, and I had to wait for you again.”“Alright, stop talking about it.”Sasha, realizing he might lose this argument, quickly kissed Dad to silence him. I pretended not to notice.“I admit I made things difficult for you, and I apologize. I sometimes forget that you’re much more emotionally fragile than I am. Especially when you start crying….”Dad sighed briefly at this point. What could it be when he starts crying…?I was curious because Dad wasn’t someone who easily gave in when begged with tears.“…you should know that not everyone in the world is like you, Karel.”Sasha pouted again toward Dad.“But….”Dad sighed shortly and said,“No more alcohol. But when you go home, I’ll pour it out. Sorry for making you do something so difficult.”“I already poured it all out.”At that, Dad raised an eyebrow. I sided with Sasha.“I saw it this morning too. Sasha poured all the alcohol into the fountain. The butler said he was going to have a barbecue party with it.”“What?”“Sasha has already taken all your punishment, so please forgive him now.”“Did you really pour it all out?”Dad asked with a pale face. Sasha nodded proudly.“Oh my.”And then Dad hugged Sasha tightly.“Why did you do that…?”Dad affectionately stroked and kissed Sasha, as if he was precious and pitiful for taking his words literally.In that moment, I slammed my juice cup onto the table in disbelief. Dad was the one who ordered it in the first place!Just then, the well-dried shirt, pants, and coat were delivered to the room. Dad helped Sasha into them and suggested they head home.We drove to the house in Dad’s car.The sky that had poured rain now cleaned the streets. As we approached home, smoke was rising into the sky. From the garden came cheerful noises and delicious smells.By the time we stepped into the garden, the barbecue party was already in full swing. Mrs. Laurent grabbed Sasha’s hand.“Hurry and eat. You didn’t even have breakfast.”Watching Dad fill a plate for Sasha, I felt a subtle sense of futility. Then someone placed a hand on my shoulder. It was Mrs. Laurent.“Do you know how worried I was when I went to get Dad? I asked the gardener to give me a ride and even gave him my favorite rubber ball. If I’d known it would turn out like this, I would’ve stayed home.”“So you were just worrying for no reason, young master.”Amid the crowd, I saw Dad at the fountain, pouring out alcohol. Sasha, instead of drinking from the glass Dad had given him, kissed Dad’s lips lightly. Just as Sasha was about to fall again, Dad caught him, and Laurent covered my eyes.The brief glimpse I had of Sasha’s face before that showed a happier expression than when he took the first sip of wine.＊ ＊ ＊“Sasha, what are you doing?”I saw Sasha’s head peeking from behind the tree. Sasha looked up in surprise.“Charles, when did you climb up the tree? It’s dangerous; come down.”Instead of climbing down the tree, I hung from the branches. Sasha hugged my waist and lowered me to the ground.Sasha looked up at the branches carefully and then took my hand, examining each tree thoroughly as we walked around the large garden.“When Dad occasionally uses the switch on you…”“Huh?”“What kind of branch should he use?”“What did you do wrong again?”“Um… I need to be punished.”“Wasn’t pouring out the alcohol the end of it?”Seeing Sasha’s face turn red as if he was a troublemaker, I shook my head.“I once brought a thin branch thinking it would hurt less. But it was actually much more painful. It sticks and stings on the skin. So it’s better to use a sturdier and drier branch.”I suggested a different branch.Sasha contemplated between two completely different branches for a while.In the end, Sasha chose the initially picked soft, flexible, and easily bending branch. His face turned red as he broke the branch. It seemed like he was afraid of the upcoming pain. I felt a pang of sympathy for Sasha.I hoped Dad would show mercy to Sasha, who was trying to accept his punishment sincerely.＊ ＊ ＊Although it was a bit early for bed, Sasha entered Karel’s study.Karel, used to unannounced visits, glanced at Sasha and then went back to his work. Sasha sat on the daybed by the window, where Karel sometimes took a nap, waiting for Karel to stop.When Karel finished typing a letter on the typewriter, took out the paper, neatly folded it, put it in an envelope, and sealed it, Sasha spoke.“Karel, are you done with work today?”“I’m thinking about it.”Work either exists or it doesn’t; what does “thinking about it” mean? Usually, Sasha would have noticed that Karel was just making him wait, but this time he was too focused on Karel to realize it.“So, are you going to bed early?”Karel merely raised an eyebrow, as if asking what that meant.“I’m going to wash up and lie down now. I’ve already run the bathwater…”“Alright, if you’re sleepy, don’t wait, just go to bed.”Sasha, feeling a bit frustrated but trying to be patient, said,“I’m going to bed early, you know?”“I understand.”I felt a bit of resentment toward Karel for avoiding a clear answer.The brief argument between them was over when they visited the hotel. Now, it was time to express the affection that had been postponed during the two weeks of separation.Sasha thought Karel would have understood by now and said,“If you want to bathe together, you can come in.”“……”Noticing a hint of hesitation from Karel, Sasha quickly left the study.However, contrary to Sasha’s expectations, the bathroom door remained closed throughout the bath. In the steamy bathroom, Sasha poured water over himself, puzzled.When Sasha entered the bedroom, Karel had already finished a quick shower in another bathroom and was drying his wet hair. Feeling unexpectedly sad, Sasha lay down in his own bed without a word. Karel turned off the light and lay down next to him.When Sasha glanced sideways, Karel was lying on his back, facing away.Karel, who always lay down neatly, looked awkward as he turned to face the other side. Sasha gently stroked Karel’s back.