Shadows of Valderia: An Urban Fantasy Detective Noir

Barney led them swiftly through the maze of Archibald’s Alley’s back passages. The entire section was like a war camp. Everywhere they went there were bouncing dandies in various states of injury, strewn about like summer flowers in a field, waving their white gloves fists, and sipping from cracked tea cups. Most of the rooms of these hallways had been boarded up as had any window. There only seemed to be one way in and the men in the grey coats found out how well protected that was. Finally, after shaking hands and taking commendations for what one purple coated man exclaimed as Barney’s ‘equine magnum opus,’ from at least a dozen men they came to a narrow hallway. Halfway down the hallway a crude barricade of heavy wooden furniture and sharpened sticks blocked their way.

“Ahh, here we are,” Barney said, just as the door before the barricade flew open and six men came tumbling out of the room.

“Take that you cad!”

“Cad! I won’t stand for such an insult!”

“Then you can sit on that pendulous sack you call a bottom!”

“You’ve done it now my friend!”

“Well then raise your fists chum and let us settle this like gentlemen and scholars!”

Two of the men circled one another, fists raised half a metre in front of them, their legs splayed comically wide as they feinted and taunted one another, while the other four formed a crude circle.

“Have at him Phineas! The lout has it coming!” shouted one of the onlookers.

“I shall!” Phineas, a dark fop haired young man with a thin moustache to match his spindly rubber arms, cried.

“Oh you shan’t!” his similarly scrawny opponent retorted.

“What ho lads! Member on the floor!” one of the onlookers cried out.

All six young men spun on them offering warm pleasantries and apologies.

“Good morning Barnabus.”

“Do apologise for the coarse language.”

“Just boys being boys and all that.”

They all smiled widely and made small bowing gestures, keenly watching Barney’s response.

“Oh pish, no need for the apologies, who doesn’t enjoy a spot of rough housery with the lads,” Barney laughed, the same pitch and volume as before, and shook hands while patting them all on the back. “Still though…” he continued, his voice dropping. “Bit of a poor showing. Must keep up parliamentary composure and all that.” He stopped and inspected the collars of one of the men’s pink morning coats and let out an audible tut. The man blanched ghostly white.

“Terribly sorry,” he squeaked with quivering lips.

“Absolutely right to say so,” another stammered.

The group practically cringed in front of Barney, their little moustaches twitching under the fearsome heat of his judgement.

“Don’t be silly, we’re all allowed our little indiscretions,” Barney shot them a beaming smile before gesticulating grandly at his group. “Speaking of, these are my chums, I’m sure you’ll all get to know one another. Chums, this is Phineas,” Barney said, patting Phineas on his scrawny shoulder. “And these are his Chaps.” Barney waved a dismissive hand at the other five crestfallen men. “Now listen Phineas, I need a zip up to the ninth Post Haste.”

“The ninth?” Phineas said nervously.

“After the eighth, before the tenth,” Barney responded with a smile.

“‘Fraid it’s gone to midnight up there.”

“How so?”

“We stopped receiving comms about three days ago, I’m afraid.”

“None at all?”

“Not so much as a shout for a cuppa.”

Barney pondered this new information with a worried frown. He glanced back at Jimmy, who could only give a small shrug.

“Well best to get up there and have a look. Old Brookehouse might have dozed off on the box again.” Barney gave a short laugh and patted Phineas on the shoulder. “Go fetch the lift, Phin.”

Phineas’ eyes widened in admiration for Barney. He gave a short bow and ran back into the office. Barney watched him for a moment before turning to the Chaps. He raised an eyebrow and they jumped like they were scalded and scuttled after Phineas. Barney turned to them and smiled warmly.

“Good lads, bright up and coming young humpers.”

“Humpers?” Ridley asked.

“Well Junior Ministers bit of a mouthful and in the interest of keeping the wheels of bureaucracy quick and efficient…”

“Since when?”

“I’m sure they were at some point,” Barney said blithely before carrying on. “So we shortened it.”

“To Humpers?” Nairo said.

“Well, bit of a long jog through a wall-less maze that one. We tried to shorten it to JunMin and well… not that it’s a problem… just sounded frightfully foreign. So we tried to swap it and call them MinJun… and well that had its own problems.”

Ridley chortled and Nairo just rolled her eyes.

“So, inevitably we settled on humpers.”

“Why?” they both said at the same time.

“We settled on J.Ms, which quickly turned into Jars.”

“How?”

“J.M… Jam… Jam Jars. Do keep up. Then just Jars. Well then it’s not a long hop and skip to fish eggs…”

“Nevermind all that,” Jimmy interjected. “What do you think’s gone on up on the ninth?”

“Hasn’t sounded good for a while. Oppos are fierce up there and that lunatic Mickey Parqs was threatening to break treaty and take the Rabbits rogue last I heard.”

“The Rabbits?”

“Aye, load of lunatics that they are, but they're good, strong fighting men. As superstitious an old Gnome mother but solid shoulders in a scrap. If they broke ranks… but Brookhouse assured us he had the situation in hand.” Barney worried at the corner of his mouth a completely foreign look of consternation drawn across his elegant features. “Could be, we’ve lost the ninth.”

“If that’s the case, things are gonna get rough from here on out,” Jimmy said.

He gestured for the sack Cripper had been holding and pulled out the map. Gently, he unfurled it and pointed to the midsection of the Houses.

“Roughly, we’re about here. We needed to get to the ninth and cross it.” He dragged his finger left across the building plans. “From here I had a route planned to get us up through the tenth and eleventh floor without too much drama.”

They stood staring at the map for a minute in silence. Jimmy traced his finger around the map muttering to himself before sighing.

“Well… we’ll just have to improvise,” Jimmy said eventually.

“Wot ho! Bloody brilliant! Never been a fan of scripted adventures anyway,” Barney’s beaming smile returned to his face.

“Is that it?” Ridley asked, unimpressed.

“You got a better suggestion?” Jimmy shot back.

Ridley opened his mouth and then stopped. He looked at Nairo who shrugged.

“Guess not,” Ridley muttered.

“Good. Things are gonna be on top from here out.”

“Fist balled and toes pointed! Best way for it really,” Barney added.

“Wot Ho!” Phineas cried from the door to the office. “Trolley’s here, Barnabas!”

“C’mon,” Jimmy said, rolling up the map and walking towards the office.

“If this entire investigation isn’t wrapped up in a neat little bow by the time this is over, I’m going to kill you,” Nairo hissed and she pushed past Ridley.

“If we ever get out of here,” Ridley replied sourly.

Inside, the office was more akin to a digsite. There were various crooked lamps hung around the room illuminating the gloom. Debris and dust covered everything and in the middle sat a ramshackle wooden lift that wasn’t much more than a platform connected to a pulley. The rope at the top led through a rough cut square hole that ascended through several floors into the darkness above.

“If you would like to board the Party Express, we’ll have you on the ninth in a tick and a flash,” Phineas smiled and welcomed them on to the lift with a wide sweep of his arm.

“Is that thing safe?” Nairo said, eyeing the creaking contraption.

“Passed all regs for covert interfloor traversal just last month, miss.”

“They have regulations for that?” Ridley said.

“‘Corse sir, everything is very civilised and above board in our Party.”

“Too right,” Barney said as he nimbly alighted the creaky platform. He turned back and looked at his group before looking back down at his platform. “‘Fraid the cavalry charge’ll have to be staggered.” He laughed and cast a dark eye at Phineas, who bobbed his head in apology. “Ladies first of course, Miss Sally?” Barney offered his hand and Nairo gripped his, surprisingly, calloused hands and hopped up.

Without waiting for invitation, Jimmy stepped on to the platform and then looked back at Cripper and Ridley.

“You two can catch the next one.”

Ridley opened his mouth to protest, then he looked to his right at the hulking Cripper. His shoulders were so thick Ridley could only see the shock of his red hair behind them.

“Lovely,” was all he said.

“Away we go then!” Phineas announced.

With a dramatic flourish and mighty effort, he yanked the lever on the platform and cast his eyes upwards. Nairo’s eyes followed as she waited for the expected whoosh of power as they were propelled through the floors of Parliament. She looked back down and found an equally confused Jimmy. She looked around and saw the slightly lower smirk on Ridley’s face.

“I say chap, don’t spare the rod!” Barney said impatiently.

“Fraid, that's as fast as the old gal can go, sir.”

“Well…” Barney crossed his arms and tapped his foot. “Master Ridley, couldn’t spare a chap a smoke could you? Afraid I left mine in my ivory coat”

“‘Corse,” Ridley said, he walked up to the platform that had now risen to about knee height, and offered Barney a smoke.

“James?” Barney asked as he bent to light the smoke from the flame Ridley held.

“Go on then,” Jimmy said, kneeling to light his smoke.

“See you soon!” Barney called as the tops of their heads disappeared below them.

“Yeah… not that soon!” came back the sardonic echo of Ridley’s voice below.

As the lift slowly drifted upwards, Nairo tried to make sense of her surroundings. They broke through the first hole in the ceiling, putting them on the fifth floor, and everything made sense still. The room, like the one below, seemed to be a condemned office. However, the next floor might have been a giant store cupboard. Nairo wasn’t sure. Everything was so dark and dusty and she could see tubs and cans of all descriptions tossed around the room. The next floor may have been a toilet or perhaps a bath house. There were wall to wall tiles and cracked sinks lining the walls.

“Seventh floor in coming!” Phineas said as they creaked through another hole in the floor.

Here, Nairo was surprised to see life. Two men stood on guard in a room similar to the one they had started in.

“Wot ho Phineas!” called one of the men. He was short with a plume of blonde hair and bright blue eyes.

“Wot ho chaps! Just passing through!” Phineas replied.

“Is that Barnabus Archibald-Sterling?” the other man whispered excitedly. He was ginger haired and a sharp, pointed moustache and goatee combination.

“Not even stopping for a cuppa?” asked the blonde haired man hopefully.

“Ooh?” Phineas said, suddenly concerned, as he turned to Barney. “Cuppa sir?”

“Oh well…” Barney stood in consternation for a moment.

“Really?” Nairo said. “We don’t have…”

Jimmy held his hand up and shook his head. The platform was still creaking upwards.

“Frightfully busy at the mo…” Barney offered to Phineas who nodded and turned back to the men.

“Awfully engaged currently chaps,” he said.

“Kettles on and we’ve got custard creams,” the ginger man countered.

Phineas blanched momentarily before swinging his head back to Barney.

“Kettles on sir… they’ve got custard creams,” he said, his voice strained.

Barney crossed his arms and took a puff of his smoke.

“Well… kettles on… wouldn’t be any reason not to… rude not to stop…” Barney muttered to himself. “Custard creams…”

He then looked up at Phineas and nodded his defeat.

“Delightful,” was the only word he hissed in a cloud of smoke.

Phineas closed both eyes and gave a deep nod. Solemnly, he turned his head back to the men.

“Two sugars and…” he hesitated and gathered himself. “Just a drop of milk.”

“Wonderful!” The blonde man clapped his hands together and a set of mugs appeared as if by magic.

Barney stepped off the platform followed by Phineas. Nairo turned to Jimmy, her eyebrow arched.

“What was that?”

“They take tea very seriously here,” he said.

He hopped off the platform and Nairo just shook her head and added it to the growing catalogue of things she would need to accept exists at a later point.

“What about the platform?” she asked, as she stepped off.

“We’re only stopping for a cuppa,” Phineas said. “We’ll be able to catch the old gal, don’t worry.”

Barney was surreptitiously going about having the fastest tea break a man has ever had. He had arranged their six mugs in a neat circle, and he was pouring tea like a bartender pouring shots. He tore open the packet of custard cream and arranged them neatly on a chipped plate before passing them around.

“Names?” he barked at the two men while dropping two sugar cubes into his tea.

“Harold Nix, sir.” The blonde man said.

“Garth Haversham,” the ginger man said. “You went to Olav’s prep with my Uncle, he was a few grades above…”

“Ahh yes,” Barney said dismissively.. “Good chap, your uncle. How is he?”

“Not so well since he came off that horse…”

“Terrible really. Must pay him a visit.” Barney said, blowing on his tea. “So how’s the family?” he said to Nix.

“The wife is well,” Nix replied.

“Children?”

“Not yet?”

“You’ll be blessed one day. And you?” Barney snapped at Garth while gulping at his still scalding tea.

Nairo got the hint and slurped at her tea as she watched Jimmy cram two custard creams into his mouth at once.

“No wife.”

“Girlfriend?”

“No.”

“Mother?”

“Yes…”

“Ahh, there it is,” Barney had found the next piece of the social puzzle: unasked for personal advice. “Young men should woo a lady, can’t take her home to your mother, find your own place. Move out and eat cherries, good for your swimmers…” He then looked at his wrist like he was wearing a watch.

“Smoke?” Nix practically screamed at Barney as he aggressively thrust a pack at them.

Phineas narrowed his eyes but nodded in approval: good tactical move.

“Oh no… ‘fraid I’m cutting back,” Barney said.

“Since when?” Nix fired back.

“Just this morning would you believe,” Barney answered without missing a beat.

Defeated, the man begrudgingly withdrew the pack of smokes.

“Lovely weather today,” Phineas said, looking around him as if he could see the sky.

“Sposed to rain this afternoon,” Garth replied.

There was a sudden lull in the conversation and Nairo saw panic cross the faces of the two men as they looked at each other, imploring the other to fill the silence. As they searched for conversation Barney gulped at his tea and then looked at Phineas meaningfully.

“Oh gosh, is that the time?” Phineas said with a flap of his arm.

Jimmy necked his tea and then smiled through custard cream crumbs.

“Oh no, do stay,” Nix implored.

“Dinner will be coming out of the oven soon,” Garth added.

“Oh no, as much as we would love to, we must be getting off…” Barney said.

“Well it’s been lovely,” Garth said, crestfallen.

“Taa very much for the cuppa.”

Jimmy quickly knelt down and offered his cupped hands to boost the others on to the lift before pulling himself aboard.

“Come back anytime!” Nix cried up to them as they began to move through the ceiling into the next floor.

“Anytime!” Garth screamed as they disappeared.

All four of them stood in silence as the lift crested the next floor.

“Well… that was… intense,” Nairo said.

“Ooof, tell me about it!” Barney cried as he bent over doubled, hands resting on his knees. “Good to honest request for a cuppa! How could a man of civilised society say no? They had me cornered!”

“You handled it like a true gent, sir.”

“Quite. Thank you Phineas.”

*

Ridley and Cripper stood staring up at the hole in the ceiling.

“So, Cripper? That’s an usual name, how’d you get it?”

“Dunno,” Cripper answered.

“Cool,” Ridley said.

“Are you a spy?” Cripper asked him.

“Maybe.”

“Knew it."