Self Insert as Spider-Man MCU

“Oh, my god.” May said as she sunk down into the cushion of the plush leather sofa. “We're getting this.”

“Shh! We're supposed to pretend to hate it and we might get a deal on it.” I said and waved my hands exaggeratedly in a 'no' gesture.

The sales guy laughed. “I'll throw in the two end tables and the coffee table, just for making me laugh.”

“Really?” May and I asked at the same time.

“Sure. We've got a sale on and it's no problem adding this sofa to the list.”

“SOLD!” May and I spoke at the same time again.

The guy laughed again and led us over to the counter and rang up the sale. “So, are you going for financing or...”

“Cash.” I said and he looked surprised. “We'll take the express delivery and the old couch pick-up, too.”

May handed over the money for the couch and the extras and the guy handed back the receipt. He seemed to notice the nice crisp bills and we quickly explained just getting them from the bank and May showed the receipt for cashing the voucher.

“You're walking around with five grand in your purse?” The guy asked, surprised.

“Not anymore.” May said with a smile. “We're stopping at another place to make a big purchase, too.”

The guy nodded. “The Furniture Warehouse thanks you for your business. Your delivery will arrive around three pm or seven pm.”

“That's oddly specific.” May said.

“It's before and after supper rush hour.” The sales guy said. “Have a great day!”

We thanked him and left the building to catch a taxi. We rode it downtown to the city's main administration center and checked the lobby. We followed the map there to a small office at the back of the building where the patent office was.

The man sitting behind the desk didn't even look up from his paper covered desk for nearly ten minutes, even though we had knocked on the open door and coughed several times.

“Can I help you?” He asked in a bored voice and started filling out a form.

“I want to file a patent.” I said and May handed me a folded manila envelope. I opened it up and took out the drafted schematics for my security device.

“Ben, you should file both of them.” May said.

I shook my head. “I'm still giving you that money. The couch I bought out of my part.” I said and handed the sheet to the clerk. I can come back later to file the other two using the money I have stashed at home.

The man took the sheet. “Type of patent?”

“Technology.” I responded.

“Name, birth date, contact information.” The man said and handed me the form.

I filled in what was required and he took the form back and finished filling it out. He stapled it to the back of the drafting schematics and turned around without getting up from his chair and put the sheet into a large machine that looked like a photocopier.

“After your submission has been peer reviewed, you will be notified within the next three to five days if it's accepted and you can pay the registration fee then.”

“Peer reviewed? Three to five days?” I asked. “There was nothing in what I read about patenting something that mentioned anything like that.”

The man gave me a bored look. “You can't just patent anything you want. It needs to be checked if it's a rip-off of another patent, assessed if it will be an environmental danger or could cause bodily harm, then if it's a viable technology.”

“Who's reviewing it?” I asked.

“Whatever scientific minds are available at the time of submission. That's not my department. If you want to know the names of the peer committee, you'll have to visit the personnel department and ask them.”

I opened my mouth to argue with the man and May put a hand on my arm and distracted me.

“Ben, let's just go. He's not going to answer anymore questions.”

I looked back and the man had already dropped his head to stare at the papers on his desk. I held in my sigh and we left the office. We rode a taxi to a nice little bistro and had lunch, which May enjoyed. I pretended to, because I just couldn't get rid of the feeling that what happened in the patent office wasn't right. It wasn't right at all.

*

“Sir, could you spare a moment?” Jarvis asked.

“I'm busy.” Tony Stark said and pulled a burned out repulsor thruster from his armored boot. “Why do you keep shorting out, you little bastard?”

“Perhaps if you asked it nicely instead of cursing at it, it might answer you, sir.” Jarvis said.

“Hardy-har.” Tony said and tossed the wrecked part into the pile of parts for recycling. “All right, what have you got for me?”

“Someone filed a technology patent.” Jarvis said and the split layout for the armored boot shrunk down into a side window on the display table as a scan of the drafted schematic of the patent was displayed in the center.

“What is that monstrosity?” Tony asked as he examined it. “Where's the style? Where's the pizzazz?” He asked rhetorically as he raised it up from the table.

Jarvis made a three dimensional rendering of the drawing and Tony shook his head at it.

“That casing's not going to last long.” Tony said and crumpled it up and tossed it into the virtual trash can. “That mechanism is too simplistic to work for long. There's no redundancy and no backup.” He said and started modifying things and replacing them. “Those nozzles can't handle two different streams from two separate tanks. Why are there are two main tanks and not a backup?”

“It is boggling, sir.” Jarvis said.

Tony worked for about twenty minutes and took out the simplistic circuit boards and replaced them with his proprietary technology and added the StarkOS to run it, because it was designed to run everything. He also removed the unnecessary motion sensors, leaving only one, and shifted what he thought were extra nozzles to the backup system.

“Now that's a proper security device.” Tony said and saved the project. It was now twice the size and looked like a really fancy wall sconce that held a hidden light, instead of the practical and unobtrusive original that no one would notice. “Jarvis, file and patent it.”

“Sir, the original...”

“It was never going to work.” Tony interrupted. “It was too simplistic in design, the mechanical parts were practically designed to fail, and there was no backup system in case of jams and malfunctions.”

“I will make the appropriate notes on the submission.” Jarvis said. “What do you plan on using as the fluid, sir? The original patent does not specify.”

“Containment foam can fit into the pressurized containers. It should catch criminals quickly and not cause too much of a mess afterwards.” Tony said. “Send that off to the manufacturing plant in New Jersey and give it a priority rating when you send the notification to Pepper. She'll know what to do with it.”

“Yes, sir.” Jarvis said and did as he was tasked.

“Can you give me a hand tracking down the fault in my boot's electrical system? It's bugging me and I hate things that bug me.” Tony said.

“It would be my pleasure, sir.” Jarvis said.

*

May and I spent the afternoon together as we window shopped and pretended to buy all of the things we would when we were rich. We had a great time being all snooty and joking around before we went back to the apartment when it was close to the time that the delivery men could show up.

I was barely inside the apartment and had taken off my jacket when my cell phone beeped at me. I took it out, wondering who it could be, and I stared in disbelief at the text it showed.

May saw the look on my face. “Ben, what is it?”

“It... it was rejected.” I said and May stepped close to look at the message.

“Oh, no.” May whispered.

“It's too simplistic? Mechanically unsound? No redundancy or backup system?” I asked. “I designed it to be easily constructed on purpose! The less cost on the manufacturing side, the less cost that has to be transferred to the customer! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE CHEAP AND AFFORDABLE! THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT!”

“BEN! CALM DOWN!” May yelled.

I opened my mouth to yell right back at her, then realized she wasn't who I needed to vent my frustration on. I felt calmness take over and smiled a fake smile. “I'm sorry, May. I didn't mean to yell.”

“Ben, let's just relax for a while as we wait for the delivery.” May said and went over to the garbage bag covered couch and turned on the television. “Oh, god.”

“What is it?” I asked and went over to stare at what was being shown on the television.

'Stark Enterprises is proud to announce the creation of a revolutionary new security system, Stark Protect.'

“This wonderful system works in connection with all other StarkOS products and you can even check it with your phone. You no longer need to worry that your business is going to be robbed when you're not there! The patented delivery system has been fully tested and...”

“That. Fucking. Arrogant. ASSHOLE!” I yelled.

“Ben!” May gasped.

“He STOLE our FUTURE, May!” I shouted and felt something inside of me flare to life. It almost burned through my veins and all of my muscles tensed up as anger filled me. I had never felt anything like it before and I wasn't sure what to think about it. “All my plans... the things I wanted to do...”

“Ben, don't... don't overreact.” May whispered and stepped close as she tried to hug me.

I stepped back from her and she looked hurt. “I won't overreact.” I said and calmly walked up the stairs and entered my room. I had constructed a few little devices that focused on specific frequencies and I would need them for what I thought I was going to do. I might have to break into the school again and raid the robotics lab and use the mechanical engineering shop for parts.

I grabbed a backpack and loaded it up with what I would need, including the laptop, then I remembered the camera. I had gotten used to the low buzz it gave me and that was stupid of me. I faced it and made a hand signal for privacy and then covered it with a plastic cover. I went to my closet and dug out the gym bag with my Spider-Man suit in it.

I quickly realized that I couldn't carry it and the equipment I needed in my backpack, so I would have to take both, just not out of the apartment at the same time. I opened the window and tucked the gym bag in the corner of the fire escape and closed and locked the window again. I uncovered the camera and slung my backpack over my shoulder as I left my room.

“Ben? Where are you going?” May asked with concern in her voice.

“For a walk.” I said and she looked worried. “Don't worry, May. I promise that I won't overreact.”

“Ben...”

“I might be out for a while.” I said and she looked even more worried as I left the apartment. I rode the elevator down to the ground floor and left the building. I ran around to the side with the fire escape and I was surprised I didn't sense anything with my spider-sense. I climbed up and grabbed the gym bag, then climbed up the rest of the building.

When I reached the roof, I was pretty high up and out of sight, so I quickly changed my clothes and put on my web shooters and my Spider-Man suit. I tucked the gym bag with my clothes into the corner of the roof and webbed it up. That wasn't strictly necessary, because the roof didn't have an internal access and no one climbed the fire escape to go to the roof, because it was getting pretty cold out.

I webbed up my backpack to disguise it and put it on, then walked over to the corner of the roof and crouched down as I looked out over the city. This was it. My debut. I thought, because even though it was late in the afternoon and about to become evening, it was still fairly bright out. There was a slight cloud cover and that wasn't going to provide much shadow for me to hide in. Everyone was going to notice me swinging around the city.

I crawled around the roof until my spider-sense told me it was safe to go and I immediately leapt off the roof and flicked my right hand out to snag a nearby building with a webline. I held on with one hand and kicked my legs at the bottom of the swing to gain a lot of momentum. I let that webline go and shot another with my left hand to swing again.

I was three buildings away before my spider-sense warned me of something. I held onto the webline and swung back where I had come from and let go when I was several stories up. There were several gasps and people pointed at me as I flipped over and landed on top of a streetlight. My spider-sense increased as I looked down at the person I hadn't met yet and also recognized.

Maria Hill, SHIELD's deputy director, wore a stylish business suit and skirt and high heeled boots. She also had a concealed weapon behind her back, because she drew it and pointed it right at me.

“YOU! You're under arrest!” Maria shouted.

I tilted my head at her to make her thing I was confused.

“Surrender now or I will open fire!” Maria shouted and aimed for my head.

I wasn't having that, so I shot a webline right into the barrel of the nine millimetre handgun and a webline at the earpiece she wore. I yanked on the lines and both the gun and earpiece were brought right to me and I easily caught both.

“Agent Hill! Have you apprehended the suspect?” Nick Fury's voice asked from the earpiece.

“Nnnoooo.” I said with a deep gravelly voice and crushed it.

“You're going to pay for that.” Maria said and started to kneel and reach inside her boot.

I knew she was going for a back-up weapon and tapped my web shooter to shoot a small glob of web fluid at her hand. It splattered and covered her hand, the ankle of her boot, and part of the sidewalk, which just so happened to trap her.

Maria let out a whispered curse as several people nearby filmed it with their cell phones. Funnily enough, none of them came forward to try and help her. I hopped down to land in front of her in a crouch to keep my face at the same height as hers.

“Once I get loose, I will take you down.” Maria promised.

I needed to discourage that line of thinking, so I held her gun by the barrel and handed it to her. She looked surprised that I would so that, then she grabbed for it as if she was going to shoot it, even though she was using her off-hand. A slight sound of groaning metal later, I let the slightly crushed and deformed barrel go. The look of shock on her face was priceless.

I wanted to keep her unnerved, so I reached up with a gloved hand and lightly caressed the cheek of her face. “Prrrreeety.”

Maria looked disgusted, which was exactly what I wanted. I stood and hopped up to back flip back onto the streetlight in one smooth motion, then I leapt up another ten feet and shot a webline to swing away. I ignored the people that rushed over to help her, now that the danger had passed.

Dealing with her had calmed me down significantly; but, I still had a bit of anger to work through and there was nothing better than kicking some drug dealer ass. I swung around for about ten minutes before I found a convenient target.

I landed on a nearby building and crept down into the alleyway about halfway to the street and saw several gang members selling drugs right there on the street corner. I shook my head in disbelief that they would do it so blatantly and in broad daylight. I quickly set up a wireless camera and let it record several drug transactions and captured each of the gang member's faces.

I might be eager to beat the crap out of them; but, I wasn't stupid. I didn't want them getting out of jail in an hour because there was no evidence of a crime. When I believed there was enough, I turned the camera off and saved the video files, then I stood up on the side of the building and shot several weblines at the two gang members that were on the street corner.

I yanked hard and jumped down to the pavement at the same time, which pulled them off of the street and into their three buddies in the alleyway. They fell into a pile and quickly tried to pull off the webbing. They didn't realize that the more they struggled, the more stuck they became and spread the webbing out, which metabolized it even quicker with more air exposure.

When I stepped close, two of them started to scream. I shot them both in the mouth with web splatters, then I proceeded to beat the crap out of them. I did my best to not permanently harm them, even when I intentionally dislocated each of their elbows. I was really angry and I needed to cause someone harm, so they became the target of my ire.

“Drrrrrugggss baaaaad.” I said in my gravelly voice before I applied pressure to their necks and knocked each of them out. I really should thank Natasha for teaching me that. I thought and searched the gang members for weapons and anything else incriminating. They only had knives, which was sightly surprising.

I was also surprised at the thick rolls of cash that they had, probably for making change, and I put them into my equipment belt. Who knew that having extra spots to store things would come in so handy? This guy, that's who. I even took the time to use my mini web shooter to glue the drug packets to the foreheads of the gang members.

I used zip ties on their wrists and ankles and then I sent an anonymous email to the local police station and attached the video files. I didn't have time to check their cell phones, so I added that detail and left their cell phones on and leaned them against the pile of gang members.

With that done, I quickly climbed up the nearby building and reached the top. I stood up, letting people see me and point, shout, and take cell phone footage. I crouched down, waited for a second, then I leapt out over the street.

Their gasps were like music to my ears, because they all thought I had just jumped to my death. I shot a webline and immediately changed directions, almost chuckled at all the relieved sighs from the people below, and I swung away from the latest crime that Spider-Man had stopped.

I shot another webline to swing on, swooped around the side of a building, and let go. I soared through the air and I felt calm. I knew I had work to do and had most of my tools with me. A more solid plan formed in my head and I smiled behind my mask.

I'm coming for you, Tony. I thought and snagged a webline on a streetlight and swung up and away. No one crosses Spider-Man and gets away with it!