Self Insert as Spider-Man MCU

I worked hard Friday night and all day Saturday. The deconstruction of the building was progressing much faster than Adrian had calculated. With them loading the place up with debris just before work ended and with me going in to clear it up for them, the tear-down timetable had shortened considerably. If that continued during the Christmas break, we would easily be finished by mid-January.

I went home for supper and had an enjoyable meal with May, made her laugh with a few questionable jokes, then packed up my gym bag and went back to work. I cleared the place out and visited the first pay-per-hour motel to shower and the guy there chuckled as I paid.

“I need to call and complain to the Hooker's Union.” I said and he laughed.

I left there and went to the right building for training. The guy was there out front and he already had his cell phone out and dialed mine, so I handed the bag over and he checked it. I barely stepped into the building when Natasha was there and squinted her eyes at me.

“Come with me.” She said and started walking away.

“You really need to stop giving me such obvious joking material.” I said and quickly followed her.

Natasha didn't comment as she led me into a small room. My spider-sense had been tingling a little the entire time and I was sure this was going to be a bit different from a normal training session.

“Sit.” Natasha said and pointed to a plain chair.

I put my gym bag down and did as she said. She gave me an odd look for a moment, then she straddled my waist and I sprang to life for her. She let out a little moan and then she kissed me. My spider-sense screamed at me and I pulled my tongue back and closed the back of my throat. It was subtle, because whatever liquid it was, it could have easily passed as saliva.

Natasha broke the kiss and went to the table at the side of the room. I turned my head and let the liquid drip out and wiped my mouth off with a sleeve. I looked over at her and saw her she spit out whatever it was into a cloth and then swished her mouth out with water.

“We traced those numbers, even through our own secrecy protocols.” Natasha said and walked over to me. “How surprised do you think we were that it was a receptionist and a teacher at a high school?”

“Probably not surprised at all.” I responded. “What did having their numbers have to do with anything?”

“It let us track you down.” Natasha said and picked up a file folder. “A quick inspection of the school's office by a school board member gave us access to the school's student database.”

“So what?” I asked.

“We compared your face to all of the student records.” Natasha said and opened the folder to show me Peter Parker's information. “What do you have to say for yourself, Peter?”

I gave her a huge smile. “I'll say that you lied about the inspection, because that's an old picture and the information is wrong. You probably had one of the tech guys do you a favor and hacked the backup servers at the school.”

Natasha blinked her eyes for a moment. “It doesn't matter how we got the information, Peter. We found you and you're not a SHIELD agent. You're just a stupid high school kid that's trying to play spy.”

I chuckled, then I laughed, then I guffawed.

Natasha looked surprised at my reaction as a door at the side of the room opened and Hawkeye came in wearing his full costume and carried his bow.

I calmed down and then gave her a knowing smile. “If you really believed that, or wanted to believe that, you would have handcuffed me immediately.” I said and I saw by the look on her face that I was right. I started to stand and Clint raised the bow to point it at me as he notched an arrow.

“Stay in the chair.” Clint said.

I settled back down. “I suppose I have to tell you now, since you've discovered some of my cover.”

“Cover?” Natasha asked and tensed a little.

“No, whatever you're thinking. Just, no.” I said and they both looked surprised. “I'm not a Hydra agent and I'm not a sleeper agent or anything.”

“How do you know that name?” Natasha asked, harshly.

“I know a lot of things.” I said and smiled again. “Like the fact that Peter Parker is dead. Since I didn't want to bring attention to that, or to how that happened, I replaced him.”

Natasha caught her breath. “N-no... you...”

“I couldn't explain why I couldn't remember anything about Peter's life, so I faked a head injury, which also covered up any plastic surgery under bandages.” I turned my head and moved my hair to show the bald spot that was starting to grow over. “I also claimed amnesia and I slipped right into Peter's life as if it was my own, then I changed my name to Ben and let my actions explain that I was not Peter.”

“Good lord.” Clint whispered. “No one noticed.”

“Oh, they noticed.” I said and grinned. “I made sure that everyone noticed. I'm brash, loud, I make jokes, and I'm so unlike Peter that people actually like me for it.”

“Why?” Natasha asked.

“I needed a new life. That Peter died by accident and I was right there to take full advantage of that, was a convenient twist of fate.” I said with a shrug. “I've been working my ass off to catch up to the other students in school, since I hadn't been in school in years, and I must say that it was both grueling and enjoyable.”

“What's your real name?” Natasha asked.

“Surprisingly, it actually is Ben. Convenient, isn't it? Peter Benjamin Parker. I don't have to react badly to people calling me by some name I'm not used to.”

“Your last name.” Natasha prompted.

“It doesn't matter. I'm Benjamin Parker now. I'm building a new life from the ashes of Peter's old one.”

“Why are you here?” Clint asked and kept the bow aimed at me.

“I already told you that. Training.” I said and looked at Natasha. “It seems I run into convenience after convenience in this life. I wanted to avoid SHIELD completely and it pretty much dropped into my lap. I really wanted to avoid two of the best agents in the entire agency and here you both are.”

“We need to take you in.” Natasha said.

“What for?” I asked.

“Assuming someone else's identity, stealing SHIELD equipment, lying...”

“I've never lied to you.” I said and she looked surprised.

“But, you... you...”

“Did you ever ask me who I was and not just my name?” I asked her and she closed her mouth. “No, because it didn't matter. Names don't really matter. All that matters is our actions, how we treat each other, and how others see those actions.” I said and looked at Clint. “You can relax. If I was going to attack, I would have as soon as Natasha turned her back on me at the front entrance.”

“Why didn't you?” Natasha asked and nodded to Clint. He lowered the bow slightly and eased the tension on the arrow.

“Because the last thing I ever want to do is piss off the Black Widow. You can outfight everyone, because you're an expert martial artist. I want to learn how to fight and who better than an expert?”

“You really expect me to keep teaching you when I know you're not who you claim to be?” Natasha asked and looked a little unnerved that I could be that bold.

I smirked at her. “Prove it.”

“Excuse me?”

“Prove that I'm not Ben Parker.” I said and crossed my arms. “Go ahead. I'll sit right here and I'll wait while you go gather evidence that I'm not Ben Parker.”

Neither Natasha nor Clint moved.

“Hmm, you don't seem to be going anywhere.” I said and rubbed my chin with a hand. “Could it be that I've discovered a flaw in your plan to take me in?”

“You still stole SHIELD assets.” Clint said.

“Did I?” I asked and crossed my arms again. “Or did I just order them and have them blind dropped at any of a dozen spots that are hidden around the city?”

“Fuck.” Natasha whispered.

“So, what else was there?” I asked and looked from her face to Clint's. “Anything? Anything at all?”

“How do you know so much?” Clint asked.

“You would be surprised what information can be gathered from wireless connections.” I said and tapped my earpiece. “Once you have a single frequency and a little electronics and programming knowledge...”

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” Natasha said and walked part of the way across the room and then came back. “When... how did you compromise our security?”

“I didn't.” I said and she scowled at me. “Once I had one of your earpieces and untraceable cell phones, your own agency gave me full access to all of the basics.” I said and smiled. “Do you know everything that counts as basic equipment by SHIELD? I do.”

“Fuck.” Clint cursed this time.

“By the way, I didn't rob you blind. I'm not stupid. Little things here, little things there.” I lied and they believed me. “They weren't big enough of an order to be noticed and not too small to be suspicious.”

“How many times...” Natasha started to ask.

“Yes, I'm going to tell you that.” I said and rolled my eyes. “Does it really matter?”

“How many guns did you...” Clint started to ask.

“None. Guns require a supervisor's approval, even when ordering a replacement for damaged or old lethal equipment.” I said and they exchanged a look, probably because I shouldn't know that. “I also didn't raid the equipment lockers you have here, and I easily could have. They aren't guarded and the single camera you have in the rooms are so easily bypassed that it's laughable.”

“How did you know there are cameras?” Natasha asked.

“What idiot goes into a SHIELD building and thinks there are no cameras?” I asked with a laugh. “At least you didn't put one in the showers like they do at the pay-per-hour motels I use.”

“Wh-what?” Natasha asked, a little surprised by the extra information.

“I always shower before coming here and change clothes. Like I said, I'm not stupid.”

“Then... why? Why keep up the charade?” Natasha asked.

“What charade? I'm Ben Parker, found out SHIELD was giving out free, after-hours training, and I showed up.” I said with a shrug. “I wasn't going to pass that up.”

“We caught you.” Clint said.

“Doing what? Being here? I was invited.” I joked and tapped my earpiece. “It doesn't say only agents are allowed to attend, just that you can show up after hours.”

Natasha took a deep breath and let it out. “You can't expect us to just let you...”

“I asked you to train me, gorgeous and deadly.” I interrupted her. “What's the minimum age to join SHIELD? It's fourteen. Surprise! Ben Parker is fourteen!”

The two of them stood there and stared at me.

“Is there like a written exam or something? Calisthenics?” I looked at Natasha and smiled warmly at her. “Please, please tell me there's an internship program and I can keep learning directly under you.”

“Jesus, the balls on this kid.” Clint said.

“You can't be serious.” Natasha whispered.

I uncrossed my arms and held my hands up, slowly stood up, and walked over to her. I stopped a foot away and kept my hands up. “What do you say? Can you find it in yourself to train someone who is willing to do everything you ask them to do, no matter what it is, and for however long you need them to do it?”

Natasha actually blushed as she looked into my eyes. “You really are serious.”

“As long as I can maintain my cover as Ben Parker, I'm all yours.” I said.

“Damn, kid.” Clint said and stored his arrow and hooked his bow over his shoulder. “How can we ever trust that you're not a plant or a secret agent for someone else?”

I had to smile at that. “Did your all agent search not bring up anything?”

“How did you know we...” Clint stopped talking. “You wanted us to look and find Peter's identity.”

“I did tell Natasha that I was going through puberty. It was a pretty big hint.” I said.

Natasha caught her breath. “How do you know my name?”

“Like I said, I know a lot of things.” I said and slowly put my hands down. “You might want to ask Director Fury to pull a redacted file for one of their old agents.”

Natasha and Clint exchanged looks, because I wasn't supposed to know that name.

“What one?” Natasha asked as she looked back at me.

“Richard Parker.” I said and smiled at their blank faces. “He was Peter's father.”

“I knew you were a son or nephew.” Clint said.

I smiled and nodded. “I'll just sit here and wait while you both go to work, or should I just go home and come back later when you call?”

“Peter's home or your own?” Natasha asked.

“Peter's of course. I've made myself indispensable to May and I've been living there since I took over Peter's life.”

“Are you doing her?” Clint asked.

“No, she's too locked into the whole 'last of my family' thing to think about anything like that.” I said. “It's actually kind of nice, you know? To have someone so nice consider you family.”

Clint nodded and smiled.

“All right, you can go. We'll call you as soon as we do some research.” Natasha said and gave me a deadly look. “Don't try to run.”

“Why would I run? I told you it was my life's mission to lose my virginity to you. I did that, quite spectacularly, and now I want you to teach me everything else you know.” I said and darted in to kiss her hard. “You're going to have to beat me with your stun batons to keep me away from you now.”

“Don't tempt me.” Natasha said.

I went to my gym bag and took out one of the cell phones. I gave her the number and she gave me a pointed look. “I have friends from school coming over to the apartment at noon tomorrow for food and movies. If you don't call before then, please wait until tomorrow night to contact me.”

“You're already dictating terms to me?” Natasha asked.

“I said I needed to maintain my cover. You agreed. Text me later and I'll give you my full schedule.” I said and tucked the phone into my pocket. “Just so you know, there's a fire escape on the side of my apartment building and it goes right past my bedroom window.” I gave her a significant look. “It will always be unlocked when I'm at home.”

Natasha gave me the same look back for a moment, then she nodded in understanding.

I walked back over to my gym bag and picked it up, gave them a little wave, and left. Giving them Peter's father's name was a bit of a red herring; but, it let me explain how I know so much, just like Clint had guessed. It would also put them into the mindset that I was playing house under a new identity and I needed to maintain it. They might even help me with it, too.

I left the building and went down the same alley, because my spider-sense let me feel someone following me. I did the jump from wall to wall trick and was on the roof before they could get to the alley entrance. I watched the poor guy curse several times like in a tantrum, and he sent several texts.

Sorry to cause you frustration, buddy. I thought and changed my clothes into my dark ones, donned my web shooters and mask, then hooked the gym bag over my shoulders like a backpack. I held in my laugh as I ran towards the far edge of the building and leapt off of it without a care in the world, just like I had when I was hopped up on painkillers.

My webline hooked the corner of a tall building and I swung around it to fling myself to a roof that was across the street. I landed without trouble and my feet moved as if I had been running the whole time. The best part about what I was doing was that my trips home were becoming shorter with all of the practice I had been getting with my web shooters. I was almost at the point that my feet barely touched the rooftops anymore.