Re:Zero Kara Hajimeru Isekai Seikatsu

Volume 4, Chapter 84 [Denied x Denied x Denied]

――Crumbling, crumbling, the ground was crumbling beneath his feet.

Losing sight of the footing that by all means should be there, Subaru felt like he was falling from someplace high.

In reality, Subaru was only standing there frozen in the middle of the room, staring with wide-open eyes.

The fact that he nevertheless felt this was simply owing to the shock of Roswaal’s confession.

[Subaru: A place… beyond my reach……?]

[Roswaal: You already have the answer, don’t you? When two important things are simultaneously faced with peril, one would be forced to choose. Choose which one is more important, and which to cast aside. Only this way, by relinquishing everything except the one most precious to you, will you become the perfect being that you were chosen to be]

[Subaru: What kind of bullshit is that!!? The perfect being!? All I see is a stupid, wound-ridden asshole stuck alone in the middle of a wind-swept wasteland!]

[Roswaal: And yet you may still stow the one most precious to you in a place abound in lusciousness, where its purity and beauty is untouched. Compared to your own injuries, this is more important, isn’t it?]

Roswaal, somewhat regaining his composure, asked this question, but Subaru did not reply.

It was not that he was persuaded, nor at a loss as to what to say.

But simply that his erupting emotions were so great in volume that they could no longer be formed into words.

――There was never a time he had felt so overwhelmed beyond speech.

Was the tragedy at the Mansion just the result of this senseless obedience to this incomprehensible logic and this arbitrarily prophesying Gospel?

Frederica, Petra, and Beatrice, did they die for such a selfish reason?

Perfecting Subaru’s existence―― was it for such a ludicrous goal that those girls lost their lives, betrayed by the master they trusted?

[Subaru: Roswaal…… are you really… actually… insane……?]

[Roswaal: ……So it would seem. I have been for a long time. Ever since four hundred years ago when I was enchanted by those eyes, I have always been insane]

[Subaru: Four, hundre……d?]

Unable to swallow down the words that had just been thrown at him, Subaru only parroted it back at Roswaal with his face contorted by confusion.

Again, it was four hundred years ago―― but it was far too unnatural to hear it from Roswaal’s lips. He couldn’t possibly know what happened four hundred years ago. Yet, the way he said it almost sounded as if he had existed all the way from four hundred years ago until now――

[Roswaal: Natsuki Subaru-kun]

While Subaru’s eyes wavered in bewilderment, a nearby voice called to him.

Looking towards it, it was Roswaal, who had stood up from his bed. Seeing his tall figure standing within reach of his exhaled breaths made Subaru step back with a gasp―― but he was caught by his collar, unable to escape. Being pulled closer so that their foreheads were touching,

[Roswaal: You have judged me insane. Which I wholeheartedly agree. Without a doubt, I am insane. I am without sanity. Since a very long time ago, my heart was claimed from me]

[Subaru: Ah, hha……]

[Roswaal: But why aren’t yo~~u? You should be like me, no, even more insane than me. Without it, you do not stand a chance. Because the place you strive for is far higher than mine. For this lonely road that no one can ever understand, what you need is not a human heart. But one of strong, unfailing steel―― am I wrong?]

[Subaru: Aa, gh……st, stop it!]

One by one the words seeped into his mind as Roswaal’s voice drew him towards the depths of the abyss. Subaru shook his head, trying to dispel that sensation, shoving Roswaal’s chest away.

Jabbing a finger at his lanky body as he stepped back, unable to hide the shaking of his voice, Subaru bluffed,

[Subaru: Whatever happens, no matter what, your plans had already gone down the drain the moment I lost my qualifications! Those traps you laid for the Mansion, all of it’s just pointless, meaningless sacrifice! If you understand that, then put a stop to this stupidity now!]

[Roswaal: I refuse. ――Seeing your insufficient resolve, I am all the more convinced of its necessity. There is no need for you to be human. I will corner you, wound you, force you to become so dependent on Emilia-sama that you shed and lose your humanity. At the same time, I will make sure that Emilia-sama is plunged into hopeless love and dependence for your very existence. With you two engulfed by that mutual reliance, I shall choose the course for your drowning selves. That is the one and only way that I shall realize my goal]

[Subaru: Wh…at’s the point in any of that……!? No matter how much you whittle me down that’s not going to get my qualifications back! You can break every bone trying to do it and you’ll still have nothing to show for it!]

[Roswaal: You should know best whether that is what you truly believe]

Subaru’s screams were met by Roswaal’s frozen voice.

The single, heavy thud in his chest was only because he grasped the meaning of Roswaal’s words. It’s quite simple, really.

Just as he figured―― if he truly, truly repented and asked for Echidona’s help, she would offer him her hand again. If he was ever genuinely, hopelessly lost and was content with merely moving forward, this option would still be available to him.

And for that,

[Roswaal: If it means having you return to her, Echidona will be happy to reinstate your qualifications. Considering how she is, that is only natural. I still know at least that much]

[Subaru: …………]

[Roswaal: Don’t be conceited, Natsuki Subaru. You are not the o~~nly one who understands Echidona]

Spoken in a tone completely unlike Roswaal, it was filled to the brim with hatred and malice.

Struck by the intensity of its loathing, Subaru’s body froze. And it was only when he digested the meaning of those words that Subaru realized what Roswaal’s goal may be.

[Subaru: The reason you’re so obsessed with liberating the Sanctuary is…… because that’s Echidona’s wish?]

[Roswaal: …………]

[Subaru: She designed it so that the Tomb’s Trials would lead to the liberation of the Sanctuary…… and completing this would serve as some kind of offering to her memory, is that what you feel?]

[Roswaal: ……In life, Echidona had always wondered how this place would meet its end after her death. To that end, she left the Tomb’s mechanisms behind, and in there, she housed her soul. But for all of four hundred years, the ending she desired has not visited this place]

In the four hundred years since the Sanctuary’s Barrier was erected, not once had it been broken.

Echidona’s wish of witnessing its end never came to pass. Could Roswaal’s desire be showing Echidona that end so as to give her soul repose?

The idea itself wasn’t beyond Subaru’s understanding. While he never believed in ghosts back in his old world, in this world, Subaru had interacted with Echidona and the other Witches.

It did occur to him during the time he spent with them that if they had left regrets in this world, perhaps he would have liked to help fulfill them, if only out of gratitude.

But to live entirely for that purpose while disregarding the lives of everyone else would be preposterous.

[Subaru: That’s not the same thing at all. Roswaal, we can find other ways to give Echidona’s soul repose. I promise, I will make sure of it. ――So call off the attack on the Mansion]

[Roswaal: I refuse. I will fulfill my desires and Echidona’s wish. I will do what is necessary. I will ruin all those I need to, I will wound you, and I will bloody my hands if need be]

[Subaru: Stop dragging other people into your own self-satisfaction! If there’s something you want to tell her, pull her out and tell her yourself! Instead of making sacrifices of someone trying to create a future, some child who still has her future, and some girl who’s shutting herself in because she’s stopped believing in the future!]

There was no need for Frederica, Petra, and Beatrice to be sacrificed for this plan.

And there was no way he could accept Roswaal’s self-indulgent reasoning, especially when it completely disregarded the lives of those girls and was designed only to wound Subaru.

[Roswaal: I refuse. The only offer I will hear is “I will do as Roswaal intended”. All else I will reject. Their sacrifice is necessary]

[Subaru: Fuck off. I’ll have no problem exposing everything that you’re planning and all the consequences that’ll entail]

[Roswaal: Or rather, you ought to think before you act. What would be the point of doing such a thing? Making my misdeeds public will not change a single thing about the situation the Sanctuary is wrapped up in. Emilia-sama will lose her backer for the Royal Selection, and the relationship between the residents and the refugees will only deteriorate. How do you think Emilia-sama will do in the Trials with a malice-laden bomb at her back? How many times have you already seen Emilia-sama crumble?]

[Subaru: Wh-when Garfiel learns that Frederica…… that his sister is to be sacrificed in your plan, there’s no way he’ll just……]

[Roswaal: If that’s where you’re placing your hopes, then you are truly blind. Garfiel will never rush out of the Sanctuary to Frederica’s aid. Just the phantom threat of what might happen to the Sanctuary while he is away will paralyze him with fear: such is the pathetic, foolish existence that is Garfiel. Narrow-sighted, stubborn, relying on nothing but brute strength. Even with that half-witted head, he could see what could befall the Sanctuary without him. And so, you can never use him to your advantage. ――Because that child is far too desperately concerned with protecting the weak and brittle in this world]

A desperate child, a description that jabbed at Subaru’s chest.

It was the same evaluation the Witches had given to the self-sacrificing Subaru at the tea party. It would seem that Roswaal felt the same about Garfiel.

Unaware of this, or perhaps knowing full-well, Garfiel nevertheless wholeheartedly persevered for his goals.

[Roswaal: Garfiel will not side with you. And I have no intention of halting my plans. All you need to do is let your heart be withered, polished, and perfected. Nothing else is necessary. Accept this, Natsuki Subaru. ――Accept that the deaths of anyone besides Emilia-sama mean nothing]

[Subaru: Shut up! I! I’ll never become like that! I’ll never……. I’ll never think like you, I’ll never be like you! That’s just not how humans think!]

[Roswaal: …………]

[Subaru: I’m human. No matter what kind of random, incomprehensible power I’m given, no matter how much pain and suffering I endure, it’ll never change that. ――I’m human. I’ll always be human]

Declaring this to the silent Roswaal, Subaru backed off from his towering body. A flicker of complicated emotion briefly flashed across Roswaal’s solemn expression, but he immediately shrugged.

[Roswaal: We~~ll, no matter. So long as you have infinite chances, it is all the same to me. This time, I will give up on trying to convince you fo~~r now. I’ll be leaving it to the next me]

[Subaru: It didn’t work this time…… same with the next time and the time after that, I’ll never accept your proposals. I will never become like you]

[Roswaal: Leave the room now. This life no longer has any meaning to me]

Returning to his bed and withdrawing into his sheets, Roswaal left Subaru with these words and drew his attention away. He closed his eyes as if to sleep, literally shutting off any further conversation.

Seeing this, Subaru opened his mouth, but no words came.

[Subaru: ――――]

Instead, without breaking the silence, he merely left the room, feeling defeated.

Coming out of Roswaal’s residence, Subaru wandered beneath the moonlight.

[Subaru: ――What do I do?]

Muttering a seemingly impenetrable question, voicing the words that had been repeating over and over in his mind, he was answered by only an echoless silence.

His question reached no one, merely disappearing into the void leaving a lingering emptiness in his throat.

In every sense of the word, he was stuck.

He would have neither Roswaal nor Echidona’s help now.

Collaborating with Echidona was now physically impossible, and collaborating with Roswaal was now sentimentally impossible.

Subaru had conceived of this possibility.

That perhaps Roswaal was Elsa’s employer and the attack on the Mansion was in order to spur Emilia―― or rather, Subaru, towards the Trials.

It was almost as if Elsa knew exactly when Subaru would arrive at the Mansion. And then there was the death of the possible informer, Frederica, combined with Elsa’s knowledge of the hidden passage and the Forbidden Library. All things considered, the only remaining suspects were Ram and Roswaal.

However, Ram’s utter devotion to Roswaal would give her no reason to do anything against Roswaal’s interests, so that left only Roswaal. ――Yet, Subaru had always kept this possibility out of his mind, not because he didn’t want it to be true, but because he thought it couldn’t be.

[Subaru: If Roswaal is Elsa’s employer, then……]

When Emilia’s insignia was stolen the very day Subaru was summoned to this world, was that also on Roswaal’s instructions?

If the Gospel’s texts had foretold of Subaru’s existence, of the existence of the Authority of Return by Death, and of the fact that it would prove indispensable to Emilia’s victory, then the upheavals of that day would all have been necessary to procure Subaru as an ally.

His frantic efforts that day, the three deaths he endured to save Emilia, and Emilia’s smile when he asked her for her name, was all that simply playing into Roswaal’s hands?

[Subaru: If everything was following this prophecy…… then Rem’s existence being stolen, the Sanctuary being entrapped… all of it was according to someone’s plan……?]

In that case, all of Subaru’s desperate struggles would have been nothing more than dancing to the strings that someone else was pulling.

Was abandoning everything besides Emilia really the only way to proceed? Now that all roads were closed, was there truly no other choice?

[Subaru: What am I, stupid? ……No, I am being stupid. This is exactly the kind of brainless thinking that made Roswaal…… if I let the same thing happen to me, I……]

The Gospel is not absolute. No one understood this more than Subaru, who had personally overwritten the prophecies in Petelgeuse’s Gospel.

The future-instructing Gospel is not all-powerful. In fact, every time something deviated from the writ, Roswaal gave up on the world and placed his hopes on the next――

[Subaru: ――huh?]

He felt like he hit on something strange just now.

While speculating on Roswaal’s Gospel and carefully going over the events in sequence, Subaru sensed that something was unmistakably amiss. But he just couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

[Subaru: What is it… what….. something’s off. But, what is it……!?]

As if being given an impossible riddle, Subaru searched through the mist for some sliver of light.

Roswaal’s Gospel. Acting in accordance to the writ. Beatrice’ Gospel. The Witch Cult’s Gospel. The cessation of new prophecies following the death of its owner. Blank pages. Outcomes following the prophecy. Outcomes that don’t follow the prophecy―― this ongoing present that is currently deviating from the writ.

[Subaru: Still nothing. ――It’s one step away, but I just can’t reach it…]

Though he felt he was holding all the pieces of the puzzle, they would always scatter before he could form them into any semblance of an image. But it was a tug that he simply couldn’t ignore.

Every time he was stuck like this, it was by piecing together smaller clues into an answer that he found the way out.

This time is no different. If he could just assemble the fragments one by one――

[???: ――Subaru?]

[Subaru: Mn?]

The call of his name pulled Subaru’s consciousness out of the sea of thoughts.

Breaking out of the water’s surface, he found himself standing in the darkness under the pouring moonlight, and saw Emilia gazing at him with her shimmering silver hair swaying.

Unable to hide his surprise at this unexpected encounter and the pain that stabbed at his chest, Subaru raised his hand, and,

[Subaru: Oh, Emilia……tan. What’re you doing out here? It’s pretty late, you know?]

[Emilia: But that’s the same for you too, Subaru. If you stay up too late, you won’t grow any taller]

[Subaru: I… think I’m about finished with puberty, so I’m not super worried about that……]

Emilia came in with a topic that was slightly beside the point as usual. Regaining some of his calmness thanks to her reply, Subaru naturally slid himself to Emilia’s side.

They were in the middle of the Sanctuary, in something of an open plaza. Leaning herself against the mossy stone of a dried-out fountain, Emilia’s silver hair drifted in the night wind as she looked to Subaru beside her.

Gazing into the charm of her melancholy, amethyst eyes sent a sweet, aching pulse into his weakened heart.

[Emilia: I couldn’t fall asleep, so I kind of came out for a walk…… what about you, Subaru?]

[Subaru: ……Nah, it’s the same for me. I’m the kinda guy who can’t sleep if you swap out my pillow, and also Otto snores surprisingly loud]

[Emilia: I’m reeeaally surprised you’re dainty about those kinds of things, Subaru]

Emilia gave a quiet laugh, putting her hand to her lips. Watching her from the side, Subaru reflected that this was the first time he had reunited with Emilia since Returning by Death tonight.

In places unconnected to Subaru, people’s actions generally follow the same path across the loops. Which means, on the night of challenging the First Trial, Emilia would’ve always come out here for a walk, unable to sleep.

Being invited to the tea party, being threatened by Garfiel’s violence, discovering Lewes’ true identity, and learning of Roswaal’s dark machinations―― while Subaru was busy with all of that, Emilia was changing as well.

[Emilia: ……You seem down, Subaru]

[Subaru: Mn, I guess. I’m not, though]

[Emilia: Hmm, liar. If you’re the usual Subaru, you’d be more…… kooky?]

[Subaru: It’s been a while since I heard anyone say “kooky”……]

It’s been a while since they’ve had this kind of exchange, Subaru thought as his cheek softened with relief. [See?], Emilia pointed at Subaru’s cheeks, smiling,

[Emilia: There, you smiled. You always try to smile when you’re in front of me, Subaru, but you couldn’t do it just now]

[Subaru: ――――]

[Emilia: Did something painful……happen? If you’re worried about something…… if you want to tell me, I’ll listen?]

Having the softening of his once-tense cheeks pointed out and having those words of concern flung at him, Subaru desperately tried to contain the heat building beneath his eyelids.

Her gentle, compassionate words permeated throughout his body. Surrounded on all sides, helpless and stuck, when even the last ray of hope is cut, he almost wanted to cling onto that beloved, tenderly-offered hand.

This wavering conviction, unable to follow through with even the resolve he had only just made, was both pathetic and frustrating.

[Subaru: It’s…… my own problem. I can’t put that burden on you]

[Emilia: …………]

[Subaru: Compared to me, you have a lot more on your hands, right? The way you were after the Trial…… are you really alright now?]

[Emilia: Mn, I got you worried. That was unsightly of me, wasn’t it? Sorry. ……I think I ran into a problem I just wasn’t mentally ready for at all]

Subaru looked away, trying to change the topic, while Emilia managed a powerless smile in reply.

She leaned back into the fountain behind her, looking up at the night sky as if to distract herself.

[Emilia: Really…… I wasn’t prepared at all. I’ve gotten this far by running away from so many things that I needed to face, but…]

[Subaru: I don’t see how that’s a bad thing… What’s so wrong with running away from things that you don’t like? Does facing unpleasant things all the time mean that you’ll beat them eventually? And who says you have to beat them? If you run away and find a different path, and then decide to take that path instead…… is that really something people have to fault you for?]

[Emilia: Subaru……?]

Watching all those words spill from Subaru’s tongue as he rambled, Emilia furrowed her brows. But without noticing her confusion, Subaru only kept going,

[Subaru: Echidona, who put up the Trials, Roswaal who knowingly lured us here, and Garfiel who keeps getting in the way, everyone’s just doing it for themselves. You’re free to do whatever the hell you want but why drag us into it? And then you criticize us for not living up to your expectations…… the hell do you want from us!?]

[Emilia: ――――]

[Subaru: My head’s about to explode and I’m at my wit’s end. And yet and yet and yet and yet more problems just keep piling up…… and to top it all off, it’s supposed to be all my fault? Don’t make me laugh. Don’t make me laugh. Don’t――]

Just as he was growing dizzy from the surging emotions and inexplicable rage――

――Soft palms wrapped around the back of his head, as he felt his body being pulled downwards. Feeling his head plunging into the softness before him, Subaru inadvertently stopped breathing.

A hot, yet tender touch enveloped Subaru’s face.

Through its warmth, he heard a heartbeat, while his blanked-out consciousness began to realize what was happening―― realize that he was being cradled against Emilia’s breasts.

[Subaru: Aa, aah――?]

[Emilia: Take it slow. Quietly now. Take it slowly, and listen to the sound of my heart]

[Subaru: ――Nn]

[Emilia: Leave yourself to the steady rhythm, and quietly breathe in, and out…… and repeat. Once you’re calm, give me a pat on the back. Until then, we can just stay like this]

His spine tingling with pleasure at the sound of the whisper in his ear, Subaru’s breathing accelerated. The shock of his unhinged emotions was blown away, replaced by the torment of all the blood in his body boiling.

How did it become like this? He was listening to the quiet beating of Emilia’s heart, yet his own was about to jump out of his chest.

But even his panicked heartbeat was naturally unravelling alongside Emilia’s breathing as her palms softly caressed the back of his head. Obeying her whispers, he took a deep breath, exhaled, and repeated until his lungs and his heart returned to normal.

Quietly, he tapped Emilia’s back. Her hands on his head moved away at this signal, while Subaru stood up, withstanding his reluctance to part,

[Emilia: Calmed down now?]

[Subaru: ……Somewhat]

Facing her gleaming amethyst eyes, Subaru spilled a small sigh.

Hearing his reply, with [I’m glad], a relieved smile rose on Emilia’s face. Trying his best not to blush from embarrassment, Subaru gave a little shake of his head,

[Subaru: Sorry I lost it there… I really didn’t want to trouble you like this]

[Emilia: I don’t feel troubled at all]

[Subaru: But, you must be going through a lot more than I am… there’s no question about that. ……If I could, I should be saving you from all this…… that’s what I thought]

[Emilia: Subaru……]

He had always shown off his cool side in front of Emilia.

But the truth is, he was just an embarrassing, weak, conceited, useless, boastful try-hard who wanted to be at her side.

[Subaru: Nothing ever goes right… in fact I…… spoke with Roswaal just now. About whether there’s a way to free the Sanctuary without the Trials]

[Emilia: Huh?]

[Subaru: Truth is, I thought it’d be best if I took the Trials in your place…… but now, I don’t think I can anymore. So I thought I’d at least find the least painful shortcut, but even that’s not working out. Just… what do I do…… I’m sorry I’m so useless……]

[Emilia: Subaru――]

Subaru hung his head. Despite receiving so many chances to repeat through Return by Death, he still failed to find a single solution. Just how pathetic is that?

If he had done just a little better, he could’ve prevented those tragic worlds he saw in the Second Trial from ever coming to be.

And here too, there must be something he could do about this miserable situation――

[Subaru: But, I will find a way. I will make sure you won’t have to get hurt or suffer anymore. So please, trust me…]

[Emilia: ……Subaru]

[Subaru: Yeah?]

Emilia looked up at Subaru with her eyes drenched in tears.

Gazing back at those teary eyes, within his wavering heart, Subaru steeled his resolve to ensure that its most integral part would never falter.

He will defend Emilia, overcome the Sanctuary, save the Mansion, and recover everything.

Though there is not the faintest visible sliver of hope in the road ahead, surely, he――

[Emilia: I’m happy you feel this way. I truly am. ――But, I cannot accept this kindness]

Yet, the resolve he had just supposedly steeled was, by the lips of that girl with unyielding conviction in her eyes, flat-out rejected.

-=Chapter 84 End=-