Reincarnated as an AXE!

“...I’m sorry, what were you saying again?” I asked sheepishly.

“Oh, you arrogant little pissant!” seethed Clarity as she slammed me back into the dirt. “You mealworm! You’re nothing compared to me! Nothing! You’re an inconsequential spec of utter insignificance! Who the fuck are you to treat me so disrespectfully?”

“Hello! I’m Max!”

“SHUT UP!” she yelled as she stomped her foot onto my chest to emphasize her point.

“Heeeey, you asked!” I moaned unhappily.

Clarity laughed. It was…a sweet sound. Very melodic. I wonder what she sounded like when she sang.

But her face…her face was…memorable. I could see a vein twitching on the side of her head, and her smile was much too wide.

Then, she was on her hands and knees crawling towards me. Before I could scurry away, she grabbed my leg and pulled me towards her. I tried to push her off, but she scrambled forward and assumed a kneeling, mounted position over my waist.

Hey, you’ve got a cute woman crawling over you! Someone might say. I sure do! I’d cheerfully reply. But you can trade places with me, if you’d like!

Why would you do that? The hypothetical stranger who’s jealous of my good fortune might say.

Because she’s set up a perfect position for what mixed-martial artists call a ‘ground and pound’ and now she’s probably going to punch me until I die!

Oh, says my imaginary chum. Well, gosh, that sucks! But hey, buddy! What a way to go!

Well, I suppose I couldn’t argue with that.

“You’re going to break, Max,” Clarity murmured. “You’re gonna breeeeeak”

Then she punched me. Again, and again, and again. All the while continuing to chant:

“Break!”

Thud!

“Break!”

Thud!

“Break!”

Thud!

“Break!”

Thud!

I took this punishment for about two minutes before I managed to gargle out a reply through my broken teeth. Clarity giggled in delight.

“Oh, what’s that? What did you say? Hmmm? Repeat that! Please repeat it! Please, please, please!”

She leaned closely towards me and placed her ear against my mangled lips.

“Go ahead and whisper it,” she whispered.

“I shheed….”

“Yes?”

“I shheeeeed…”

"Yeees?"

“I said no thank you,” I told her. Then, I spat in her face.

Okay, that might have been a step too far!

Heh. Might have been.

Nah, it definitely was!

But yeah, Clarity completely lost it. Good thing I convinced Libby to turn my healing back on, because this lady was now treating my face like a cat on a scratching post.

Man, I used to believe that vampires were cool. Who didn’t? They were in some of the best horror movies and had some of the coolest folklore, and comics. But this egotistical fragility I was now experiencing firsthand? Ugh. It completely killed their image.

Imagine being a species so self-obsessed that the slightest perceived insult resulted in them utterly losing their minds? How did these people ever get anything done? So much for being the stylish overlords of the night!

Just look at Clarity. She was clawing me up so badly, so lost in her instinctual need to assert her dominance, that she hadn’t even noticed that I’d used [Dominate Minions] to overwrite her control of her remaining zealots.

Vampires were kinda’ losers, weren’t they?

Clarity opened her mouth to make another threat or maybe demand I surrender and apologize or whatever and that was precisely when one of her guys shoved a spear through the back of her head, sending the spearpoint jutting between her lips.

Ohhhh, nasty!

Clarity was on her feet instantly, turning around to slash him into bits with her clawed hands. Before she could return her attention to me, however, more of my new droogs surrounded her and began to attack.

“What are you idiots doing? Stop this! Stop this! I command you! I command you!”

I rolled over to my side and laid my head on my fist to watch. Oh, this was getting good!

“Traitors! You fucking trash!! How dare you! Why is this happening? Why won’t you listen?”

“Sorry, Clarity,” I said. “The boys and I took a vote and we decided to unionize.”

“What?” she asked in confusion.

“Our terms are fair! No more attempted war crimes without two fifteens and a one-hour break! And overtime if we have to put in more than five hours! Sorry, that part's non-negotiable! It's how they do things in Europe, y'know.”

“I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you! I swear I’ll kill you for this!” Clarity screeched.

“Better do it in the next five minutes, then," I said with a grin as I pointed towards the sky.

"THAT WON'T STOP ME!” she screamed. Her magic erupted upwards, knocking all my new buddies high into the air. Far too high for humans to survive when they landed.

Ouch! Sorry, boys! But then again, you were all a bunch of leaky trash bag bigots anyway, weren't you? Clarity wouldn't have picked you for this zerg rush if you hadn't already been planning to cause the Pal-dians problems, right? Good riddance.

As they say back home, "And nothing of value was lost."

Whoops, I'd better focus! Clarity had now given herself enough room to come at me, which she proceeded to do. God, I was sick of how fast she could move! But this time, I had her timing down. Before she could sink those claws of hers into my freshly restored face (thank you, [Troll Regeneration]), I once more cast [Dominate Minion].

Only this time, I directed it towards her.

Now this was getting fun! I could feel Clarity’s will pressing against my own. But mine felt quite a bit stronger than hers did. I think her mind may have been weaker than mine. That, or perhaps she was so angry that she couldn’t concentrate enough to properly resist me.

Either way, my spell was gradually overwhelming her mental defenses.

“Claaaaarity,” I said to her. “Can you feel it? You’re breaking! I’m going to tell you to sit still and wait for the sun to rise, and then you’re going to do it, silly! What’s that going to be like? Do vampires melt, explode, or just burst into flame when exposed to sunlight? This is going to be a very educational morning for me.”

I don't know why I get so sadistic whenever I gain an overwhelming advantage over someone. That's something I've never been able to figure out about myself. Sure was fun, though.

Clarity dropped to her knees, gripping the sides of her head while moaning piteously. “Please, no! Stop! Don’t do this!”

Man, why do people always start begging for their lives just as we're getting to the good part? It's so undignified.

“That's lame, Clarity!" I said to her. "Lame, lame, lame! It’s perfectly okay for you to torture me all you like while ranting about your precious honor, but I'm not allowed to have a little fun of my own when the tables have turned? Claaaaaaarity! That’s not how the world works, kid!”

“I don’t want to die! Please, I don’t want to die!” she begged.

“Few people do, as it turns out. But you’re a vampire, aren’t you? You must know more about that than I ever will!”

I looked up towards the sky. “Just a few more minutes to go. I bet you have a lot of regrets, don’t you?”

“I don’t want to die,” she wept. "We're both incarnates! No one else could ever understand us! Please, don't do it!"

Bleh. An emotional appeal to a shared heritage? This was getting so boring.

But then, there came an unexpected plot twist!

“Let her go, or I’ll kill your friend,” said a calm voice that came from behind us.

I turned and saw another female vampire dressed similarly to Clarity, but with brown hair that bordered on being auburn. In her arms, she held an unconscious Rachel.

“I mean it,” the newcomer said, baring her teeth as she spoke. “Let Clarity go, or I’ll rip the Knight’s throat out with my teeth. It's your decision.”

“I don’t suppose you’re bluffing right now?” I asked hopefully.

“I never bluff, human. Now release my sister.”

Max, make her swear to it. Vampires will always abide by their given word.

Really? Wow, that’s stupid.

Max!

All right, all right! What should I make her swear to?

To harm no one in the caravan, Rachel included, and that they'll return her sword. Use those exact words, Max.

Right, right.

“Okay, then! Two things, first! I want you both to promise you’ll cause no further harm to these people you've been attacking, Rachel included, and that you’ll also return her sword to her.”

The one holding Rachel stared quietly at me for a few moments, before nodding in agreement. “Done.”

I turned back to Clarity. “And you?”

“Fuck you! You’re so dead! You’re so fucking dead!” she hissed.

“I’m sensing a little reluctance here,” I said.

“Clarity, just do it,” ordered her sister.

“Charity, he’s humiliated me! He’s belittled me! I can’t, I won’t let him escape me! He has to pay!”

“CLARITY!” shouted her sister with an animalistic menace. “Do as I say! NOW!”

I’m not going to lie. The killing intent I felt emanating from that woman frickin’ scared me!

I was glad it was Clarity who’d come after me tonight and not this one.

“O-okay. Okay, Charity. I swear to abide by his terms,” Clarity said pitifully.

Well, I guess that was that.

“Are you sure you want her alive?” I asked the other vampire. Charity, I guess her name was. “She seems like a real handful.”

“She’s family. Blood matters, no matter how silly it is,” Charity said matter-of-factly.

“I guess it does,” I shrugged. More philosophical stuff I didn't care about.

I broke off [Dominate Minions] and tilted my head in Charity’s direction. “Go on,” I told Clarity. “Get lost.”

Clarity gave me a final murderous look and walked to where Charity stood. Her sister then dropped the unconscious Rachel unceremoniously to the ground, to embrace her sibling. Awww, I guess they really did love each other!

“Are you okay?" Charity asked after kissing her sister's forehead. "Are you alright? Did he hurt you?”

Clarity hugged her tightly and said nothing in response. Charity turned a blazing glare in my direction. Seriously, this was the one to be wary of!

“I hope you won’t spend this day under the mistaken assumption that you’ll get away with this outrage,” Charity informed me. “Because you most certainly will not.”

“So, we can’t just let bygones be bygones?” I asked her.

“You’ve interfered in a matter that had nothing to do with you, humiliated my cherished sister, and denied us our rightful justice against these Pal-dian scum. I think it’s safe to say that bygones are presently impossible between us, mortal.”

“You have a pretty smile.”

“Look forward to seeing it again, moments after my lips are stained with your life's blood.”

“I doubt that! I’m going to be traveling with these guys for a bit, and you swore to leave them alone. Tooooo bad!”

“We'll honor our agreement, friend. This caravan is safe. You, however, have received no such protection. We’ll be seeing you soon. Look forward to it.”

“Oh. Hey, can I have a do-over?”

“No, you may not.”

“Fuuuudge.”

As they turned to leave, I suddenly remembered something important and shouted, “Hey! Hold on! You were supposed to give the sword back too, remember?”

“Of course, I do. But since you never specified when it had to be returned, that will happen when I decide. The devil’s always in the details, human. Farewell for now."

Just as the sun began to rise, an ebon gate appeared out of nowhere. It was a door that looked like it had been forged from a shadow. Charity entered it first without a backward's glance.

Clarity followed her, but first took a moment to raise a middle finger in my direction.

Classy. I think I liked that little idiot.

__

“Hey!” I called out to the caravan. “Hey! Your Knight is laying comatose over here. The bad guys are gone, come get her.”

“Not all of them,” said one of the defenders. “I saw you, stranger. You wielded some form of dark magic against the vampire! And look at you! By the gods, you should be dead by now. But here you stand without so much as a bruise! You’re as much a demon as they!”

“What?" I asked him. " Are you stupid or something? Didn’t you see that beating I just took on your behalf? It wasn't very enjoyable; I'll tell you that much!”

“We didn’t ask for your help!" the guy said. "We’re still the people of the golden kingdom; we’re still the proud citizens of Paladia! If the price of salvation is being beholden to a monster, then we reject it! Begone! We’ll take care of Dame Rachel ourselves.”

Others began echoing his sentiments. Someone even threw a rotting piece of fruit at me!

Nope. Nope, no good. Not acceptable. Nope, nope, nope!

I cast [Dominate Minion] on every ungrateful one of those pedantic Pal-dians.

After making certain I'd gotten every last one of them, I said:

“I fought the vampire off skillfully, you didn’t see me use any strange abilities, I’m leaving Rachel in your care, and all your hearts are sooooo filled with gratitude towards me that you're desperate for me to stay with you.”

“Sir! Won’t you please stay with us!” begged that defender, now singing an entirely different tune. “I’ve never seen skills such as yours, before! I beg you, come with us to our new homeland! Let us shower you in the honors you so richly deserve!"

“I’m sorry, friend,” I told him. “But those vampires could return at any time. Someone must be here to face them, should they give into their dark desires and break their promises! If I survive, I’ll send word to you."

“You’re a rare breed, stranger," the defender said sadly. "You're so talented, so mysterious, so poetic and insightful. You're also comfortable with your masculinity, and yet not afraid to show the core of tenderness that lays beneath your strong exterior! You’re an example for all true warriors, and we'll never forget you!”

“Nor I, you,” I replied, before clasping the other man’s hand in friendship. “Fare you well.”

“And you, Ser. And you.”

Now that was more like it!

After Rachel was brought back to the caravan, we parted ways. They slowly drew away from me, while I sat beneath a tree and watched them go. Soon they were dots in the distance, leaving me all by myself.

What a night this had been!

I agree.

So, Libby? Are we going to talk now about what the hell your problem has been?

Yes. Yes, I think we should.

Good! Because frankly, you were a handful today! And that’s not something I ever thought I’d say about you. What’s going on?

Max…this is very difficult for me to say. But it’s a sentiment that’s been growing within me for some time.

Huh?

It’s the way I feel about you, Max. It’s been gradually changing. Growing more intense with every passing moment that we spend together.

You…you feel something for me?

I do.

W-what…what do you mean?”

Max, I... I….

Say it, Libby. Go on, say it!

Max…I…I feel…

You feel what, Libby? What do you feel?

Max, I feel like we both should just die.

“…Oh.”