RE: Filthy Gamer In Narutoverse

Hentai Shinobi Rule 3: 2 in the pink, 1 in the stink.

***

*Huff*

Sweat dripped down Kai’s chin as he stopped performing push-ups before sitting against a tree’s trunk. His gaze landed on the giant face-carved mountain before he scoffed.

Imagine his anguish when he found the mountain wasn’t called Mount Hokage but Hokage Rock. Like, what? Mount Hokage sounded several times better! Indeed, Kai was the pinnacle in granting names and titles. For instance—

“Here, you should eat something, Cinnamon,” Kai exhaled and crawled to the nearby pond. The tall Uzumaki structure had only one courtyard and one pond, and Kai’s only friend was within this pond.Cinnamon.

A red-spotted koi fish.

But…

His brows ticked as he waited for the damn fish to approach his hand slathered with its food.

‘Well, fuck you, too. I’ll name someone else—Cinnamon,’ Kai scoffed as he cleaned his hand and took it back. Only now did the fish swim forward to eat its treat.

He returned to his seat with a contemplative look. Kai has been here for a week.

The boy barely looked any different despite his mediocre training. What could he do? His stats were primarily just a visual of his growth meant to motivate him. His trait only affected his growth through some special skills that directly improved his stats. The rest was upto him.

So, Kai remained diligent instead of worrying about other things. The good thing was Mito upgraded his nutritional intake by a significant margin. Oh, how he loved massaging that old coot’s feet.

As one would expect in the world of magic ninjas, good food and diligent training did wonders to a man Kai’s growing age, even if it wasn’t seen through his boyish features.

[Name: Kai

Age: 8

Title: Uzumaki Maid

Gamer Traits: Skill Tree; Sleepless Gamer

Skill Points: 18→24

Chakra: 3→7/1000 (1/hr)

Physique: 3→8/1000

Mental: 4→6/1000

Perception: 8→16/1000

Skills:

Titles:]

It wasn’t hard to expect that each successive stat required more effort than before. For instance, the effort required to reach 6 to 7 in physique was more than the sum needed to raise Kai’s physique stat from 3 to 6. And this disparity would eventually widen. Of course, the thought did not toss Kai into pits of despair. He accepted such a fruitful challenge.

Why?

Well… Kai never needed a reason to improve. It was logical—growth.

Daily meditation improved his perception until he finally felt the warm pool of energy brewing within his core. It also barely improved his Mental Status.

There was also the dishwashing quest, which offered 1 SP daily.

As for his skills…

[Total Concentration (D) (1/10): A state of total concentration where the user achieves the same benefits as meditation without entering the meditative trance. However, the user cannot move in this state. Chakra recovery is significantly boosted during this state. Increase perception by one at every level {if Perception<100.} Increase the recovery speed by 10% at every level. Current additional recovery speed: 10%.

Next Level: Spend 1/180 minutes Or 2 SP.

Skill Tree Evolution: Constant Total Concentration (C) (0/5)]

[Constant Total Concentration (C) (0/5) (Locked)

Unlocking Conditions: 100 Perception, 5 SP.]

Kai unlocked the skill before deciding to bench it for now. The grind did not scare Kai. However, it felt beneficial to grind his perception to 91 points before using the skill to cheat his way to 100 points.

He closed his eyes, feeling his calm pool of pitiful chakra. Kai couldn’t help but wonder how the shinobi-kind used this gentle energy to break boulders, breathe fire, and shit thunder. It felt like an entity residing within Kai to help him. His growth fed into the chakra, and the chakra’s growth had positive feedback, too. Isn’t Mito a boss bitch because of her chakra despite her old body?

How much chakra did she possess?

Kai licked his dry lips and mentally groped around this metaphysical energy. As they say, there is no time like now. So, Kai wanted to try and do something with chakra—anything. He didn’t expect to shatter mountains or release a sea of fire. But… he could do something, right? There’s got to be a way to train with chakra. And if it existed, his trait could—

[New Skill Tree Discovered.]

[Complementary title not realized.]

[The Skill Tree will be locked except for the discovered skills until the host unlocks the title.]

[Leaf Sticking Exercise (E) (1/10): Chakra has three known properties—it flows, attracts, and dissipates. Learn to understand these properties by flowing your chakra to a point on your skin, maintaining a leaf on said surface by connecting it with your chakra, and preventing your externalized chakra from dissipating. Increase perception by one stat at every level {if Perception<50}. Reduce chakra wastage by 1% at every level {if Reduced Wastage of Chakra<10%}.

Next Level: Maintain one leaf for 0/10 minutes/ Maintain two leaves for 0/2 minutes Or 1 SP.

Skill Tree Evolution: Chakra Spiral Technique (D) (0/30)]

[Chakra Spiral Technique (D) (0/30)

Unlocking Conditions:

 50 Chakra, 100 Perception, 2 SP.]

‘Konoha Academy Skill Tree,’ Kai smirked. ‘So, would I get a similar title if I enter the academy?’

“Stop dawdling! It’s time for you to massage Mistress Mito!” A loud shout snapped Kai out of his thoughts as he rolled his eyes.

‘Fuck you, too, Head Butler,’ Kai scoffed, feeling the urge to ruin the asshole’s life. The best way he could think of was to eat Tenjin’s pet parrot. But Kai digressed. He didn’t want to create complications in Mito’s life after the love and care she placed on his growth. Kai was almost sure that Mito knew about his changes. She wouldn’t have bumped his meals otherwise.

Stretching his limbs, Kai picked up the nearby wet towel to wipe himself clean before he jogged into the structure, promptly hearing a few hushed whispers.

‘The new guest, eh?’ Kai recalled Mito’s announcement that someone from her clan would stay in this estate after a few days. He didn’t care about their guest.

The Academy occupied Kai’s thoughts as he dazedly knocked at Mito’s bedroom door. It was a pity that this year’s applicants had already been processed, but Kai could apply the following year. He didn’t bother about the theoretical knowledge since Mito had taught him and several other orphans all about it. After all, the shelves and cupboards behind Mito’s bed were filled with valuable books and scrolls.

“Come in.”

Kai entered the room before closing the door behind him.

“Good day, Mistress Mito,” Kai greeted with a smile as he walked to the lying woman before offering her a glass of water.

“Hmm,” she sipped the water before sighing. “It is a good day.” She hummed and let Kai crawl to her legs as he rubbed his hands before gently grasping her foot.

“Have you been enjoying your meals, Kai-kun?” Mito questioned between her satisfied exhales.

“Yep,” Kai beamed. His daily diet experienced a significant shift, and Kai loved everything about it. Jiten was an experienced and organized cook with deep knowledge about the body and its needs. Jiten was one of the reasons why Kai’s physique stat grew despite him spending more time meditating than physical exercises.

“Hmm, I’m glad.” She eyed the boy for a few moments before questioning. “Don’t you think about joining the academy, Kai-kun?” Her throat almost refused to speak those words out of her distaste for all the losses she suffered from the profession. Yet… Mito knew better than to let her fears conquer her mind.

“Hmm? The Academy?” Kai bobbed his head without paying the woman any attention. Instead, he brought his delicate fingers over her worn toes. Her rubbed them gently until he felt the tension release from the soles of Mito’s feet.

“I thought about it,” he smiled. “But I’m not in a hurry, Mistress Mito. I don’t dislike helping you, and going to the academy will ruin my routine. How would I wash the dishes, massage your legs, and cope with academy theories and training?”

“Silly boy,” Mito huffed. “Of course, you won’t be washing dishes—” The woman stopped when the boy looked at her alarmingly.

Stop washing the dishes?

Did this woman realize the gravity of such words?

What about his daily SP farming?!

Mito looked weird once she sensed the boy’s anxiousness. “You… like washing the dishes?” She questioned carefully.

“Very,” Kai remarked with a severe look.

“I see,” Mito smiled. She almost laughed at the sight of his worried features. Who fears about losing such menial tasks?

Still, she refused to judge the boy based on his likes and dislikes. After all, she’d kept an eye on the boy and observed his changes. As she suspected, the boy had some form of awakening. His growth might appear meager to others, but Mito was one of the best sensors. She sensed the consistent growth within the boy and regarded him as a fellow sensor in the making with how effortlessly he managed to almost tug his chakra to his skin a few moments ago.

So, it wasn’t Kai’s raw potential that was often seen in the likes of the Uzumaki that attracted Mito. She was amazed by his technical proficiencies and expected him to bloom beautifully under the correct teaching program.

“I would like you to do something for me, Kai-kun,” Mito avoided the academy’s topic for now. She kindly smiled at Kai as he looked at her.

“I want you to accompany my grand-niece and make her feel at home once she arrives here. Will you help me?”

Again, Mito felt surprised at the distinct annoyance brewing within the otherwise obedient boy as he puckered his lips.

“Mistress Mito… this grand-niece of yours… is she pretty?”

Mito almost guffawed as she questioned with an amused twinkle in her eyes.

“Hmm? Why, Kai-kun? Would you not help me care for her if she wasn’t pretty?”

“No, it’s not that,” the boy sighed. “You know Head Butler Tenjin, right? He always makes things hard for Shinto-san because Kira-san likes him.”

Mito almost felt speechless. Sure, she knew about Tenjin’s ire against Shinto due to Kira’s favor… but she never expected Kai to be so observant.

“What if other boys try bullying me because your grand-niece is pretty?” He puffed his cheeks. “I also heard pretty girls are stupid.”

“Who told you that?” Mito rolled her eyes.

“I heard Head Butler say that about Kira,” Kai shrugged, hell-bent on filling Mito’s ears with agenda against the damnable Head Butler.

“I… I’ll give him a talk,” Mito sighed as Kai refrained from pumping his fists.

“As for my grand-niece…” Mito continued with a mischievous smirk. “She’s the prettiest little thing, Kai-kun. Her hair is more vibrant than mine ever was. And she is the cheerful sort.”

“Great…” Kai grumbled before sighing. “I understand, Mito-sama. I will sacrifice my mental health to tag along with your prettiest grand-niece only because you insist.” He ended with an exasperated sigh.

[Clan Quest: A Tail

Summary: Appreciative of your talent and growth, Mito expects you to help make her grand-niece settle in Konoha and feel at home.

Rewards: New Title

Failure: 80% chance of your career only involving rubbing Mito Uzumaki’s feet until one of you dies.]

The things he had to do for titles.

Kai shook his head again, making Mito deadpan before she scoffed.

“Be that way, boy. Go on,” she scolded. “I won’t keep you from your precious chores. And I expect you to be on your best behavior once your new friend arrives.”

“Yes~!” Kai replied in a sing-song tone.

“Uh, I can smell the stinking heat from here. It makes me want to vomit! But the thought of vomiting in my space makes me more sick. Do you see what I’m dealing with, you sick, maligned, CUN—”

Mito wearily cut off the connection.

<<<>>>

Kai roamed the streets of Konoha. He glanced at the nearby extensive structure—the Academy. It was a few steps from his residence within the sphere-topped Uzumaki residence. Its distinct feature was the ‘Fire’ kanji in the central plaque.

He saw several children walk out of the academy gates. Some laughed, while others appeared stressed.

Quickly bored by observing them, Kai continued walking around before purchasing some needed groceries.

*Fwip*

Everyone, including Kai, snapped their heads to look at the nearby roof. However, the possible masked shinobi under the Hokage’s direct command moved at a pace civilians could not register.

Then Kai distantly observed a shinobi in a green flak jacket. Unlike the usual red spiral pattern, this dark-haired shinobi possessed a shuriken mark inlaid with a red and white fan pattern. He casually conversed with a store owner.

‘The Konoha Police…’ Kai mused and glanced away, noticing another member in a similar attire but wearing the Uzumaki’s red spiral pattern instead. ‘The Shinobi Corps.’

Kai knew he had three options to exhaust his trait’s benefits.

All these career paths began at the academy.

‘Wait, two.’ Kai blinked. ‘The Police Force is primarily manned by the Uchiha Clansmen.’

He walked idly.

‘The Anbu are directly under the Hokage. But their missions are secretive. Well, it doesn’t take a genius to understand what they do. And the third option is to join the Shinobi Corps. But not everyone gets a Jonin-Sensei to learn from. Most—from what I heard—apply for weak missions and gain the contribution to purchase knowledge from the village archives.’

Kai cupped his chin.

He didn’t expect to not earn attention should he just learn things locked behind contribution paywalls and archives. However, Kai would rather avoid useless confrontations and use the system to achieve his goals.

‘That being said, what goal should I have except the queued masturbation marathon?’ He stopped. ‘The Hokage?’

He could become a Hokage, hopefully. But Kai wasn’t willing to limit his choices yet.

‘The Daimyo?’ he mused. ‘I could assassinate one and live in the lap of luxury.’

The thought tickled his brain.

But what else?

Kai held the urge to snatch a kid’s candy. She was with her father… tch, saved by luck.

He stopped.

‘That’s it.’ Kai looked at Mount Hokage. ‘I should become the Hokage to change the damn name to Mount Hokage instead of Hokage Rock.’

He could also have the likeness of his dick overlooking the village!

‘But…’ he soon frowned. ‘What if it increases the cases of divorces since other women wanted to lay their new kage—me?’ Kai shook his head. No. That would be tiresome.

Project Mount Cockage was extinguished.

Still, roaming the village helped Kai learn more about the village’s administration.

He understood the different facets of the administration and execution system within the militaristic organization known as Konoha, ranging from the Shinobi Corps, Anbu, the Police Force, the Elders, and the Hokage.

Kai wondered how the other shinobi villages maintained their rules. But something stalled his steps and thoughts.

He looked down at the red border on the hardened street.

Kai knew of this red line…

It originated from the Uzumaki residence and covered some distance in the shape of a vortex. Crouching, Kai traced the line with the tip of his fingers.

Others could not see it, but Kai could… he felt it.

‘So… this was what Mito talked about. The cage shared by her kind.’

Kai stood up before snorting. He didn’t believe anyone could be caged. It was all about perspective.

‘But why is someone like Mito… caged? What purpose does it serve?’ Kai returned with doubts.

‘No matter. All the answers lie in the grind.’ He entered his room before occupying his bed. He pulled two leaves from his pocket before slapping them on his cheek and closing his eyes to train [Leaf Sticking Exercise]. Such a sight would raise several questions from others if not for Kai lingering around the academy for some time today to have a safe excuse of seeing a few kids near the academy performing something similar.

He loves the grind, but Kai also believes in a safe grind. So he must prepare protection for the act!

But Kai soon learned that the issue in practicing this technique wasn’t controlling his chakra but his meager reserves. He could barely continue for 15 minutes before Kai needed to meditate and recover enough chakra.

The chakra recovery also took some time despite his meditative state since it was a meager 1.5/hour.

<<<>>>

Kai maintained even breathing as he allowed ten leaves to cover different areas of his exposed skin. He let the warm, flowing chakra settle around these spots, keeping the tender leaves against his skin.

It’s been three days since he acquired this skill and—

*Huff*

The leaves fell from his skin, and Kai felt woozy. However, his patient grind was not without results.

[Leaf Sticking Exercise (E) (10/10): Chakra has three known properties—it flows, attracts, and dissipates. Learn to understand these properties by flowing your chakra to a point on your skin, maintaining a leaf on said surface by connecting it with your chakra, and preventing your externalized chakra from dissipating. Increase perception by one stat at every level {if Perception<50}. Reduce chakra wastage by 1% at every level {if Reduced Wastage of Chakra<10%}.

Skill Tree Evolution: Chakra Spiral Technique (D) (0/30)]

[Added a new stat category.]

Kai blinked before swiftly materializing his status.

[Name: Kai

Age: 8

Title: Uzumaki Maid

Gamer Traits: Skill Tree; Sleepless Gamer

Skill Points: 38

Chakra: 7→8/1000 (1/hr)

Physique: 8/1000

Mental: 6/1000

Perception: 16→26/1000

Chakra Control: 10%

Skills:

Titles:]

[Chakra Control: Your chakra control directly influences the preservation of chakra otherwise lost in performing several jutsu.]

‘It’s… new…’

Kai’s trait did not just add new stat categories to be trained back then. So, why now?

Perhaps a mix of Gamer Body and Stats Physiology?

Kai theorized it was due to his skills introducing new aspects of training. So he could gain more stat categories than he currently has.

‘So, what about the Mythical Trait?’ Kai crossed his arms. ‘Someone from homeworld managed to evolve their trait to the Mythical one, right? What are the conditions for achieving the same? What else will I get from the trait after evolving it?’

Kai thought for some time before shaking his head. What was the point of worrying about something like this when she still had to hit his limits?

Stretching his limbs, Kai left his room before enjoying the warm spring sun on his skin. Ah, he loved his new life.

Sure, it wasn’t hectic, but Kai realized he loved peace just as much without [Gamer Mind] fucking with his head.

‘It’s a good day for a pool bath~!’ Kai giggled as he jogged out of the structure before slipping off his clothes and underwear and jumping into the pond!

Ah, refreshing!

The cool water raised Kai’s mood as he leaned against the rocky bed with a satisfied sigh. He squinted his eyes shut and allowed a pleased smirk to grace his lips.

Now, this is life.

‘But I shouldn’t waste my time. Mito’s relatives should be arriving in the afternoon.’

He groaned softly before scooping and splashing the cold water against his face.

“Isn’t it bad manners to skinny dip in a pond?” A voice interrupted Kai’s joy time, much to the latter’s annoyance. He scoffed and focused on the bath instead.

“It’s okay! Head Butler’s a nervous wreck about Mito-sama’s relatives dropping by, so he won’t mind. Besides, I took a bath last night. I don’t have to wash up before enjoying the pond~!”

The curious voice hummed. “Sorry about that, Lady Mito. We didn’t know our arrival bothered your servants.”

“Eh,” Kai dismissed the voice with a wave. “I’m not Mito-sama. She’s ye tall and she has red hair. You can call me Kai.”

“He was talking to me, Kai,” an amused voice answered with a mirthful tone as Kai’s body stiffened. Refusing to turn around, he cleared his throat. “Oh… uh, welcome? Would you mind giving me some privacy?”

“Isn’t this pond a public bath now? What privacy are you talking about?” the third voice, aside from the first youth and Mito, asked.

Kai puckered his lips before shrugging.

“Well, you’re right. Let me greet you properly by climbing out of the pond.”

The last thing Kai cared about was nudity. But he loved playing coy with Mito. So, he turned around and met gazes with three redheaded women and a dark-haired youth.

“We’re waiting, Kai-kun,” Mito chuckled as he rolled his eyes.

“Do I have to get out? I’m… indecent,” he sighed. Nah, he didn’t care about that. But one of the four individuals was a kid.

Kai loved bullying kids—popping their balloons, snatching their toys, throwing them off swings—and stuff. But indecent exposure? Fuck, no. He’s a chaotic asshole with standards! Since when did he fall to the level of cupcake-getting—

“I think he’s shy,” the brown-haired youth smirked.

‘Fuck it, we ball.’

Kai deadpanned and pulled out of the water with a grin before letting their gazes rest on his proud jewels!

“Uh…” the youth’s eyes almost popped open while Mito appeared impressed, too.

“Um…” the red-haired girl with deep violet eyes blinked. “Heijo-Nii? I didn’t know boys in Konoha had leaves on their stuff.”

“Ho?” the teen Uzumaki nodded. “Outstanding chakra control.” She stared at Kai’s weed-covered private parts as he shrugged.

“I’m sorry, Mistress Mito. I thought I’d have fun before your family arrived this afternoon.”

He began wearing his clothes as Mito shook her head. “I’ve told you not to do this time and again. Sigh, just go to the public bath next time.”

Kai thinned his lips before lowering his head and nodding.

“Eh, ain’t it fine, Lady Mito?” The brown-haired youth shrugged. “Besides, you’re not young enough for skinny dipping.”

“Heijo is right, Mito-sama,” the young woman sighed. “Won’t the boy regret not enjoying life once he gets as old as you?”

Kai blinked and matched Mito’s annoyed stare.

Oh… so he wasn’t the only one who thought Mito’s relatives were weird…

“Can I join?” the girl in their midst questioned as Kai appeared perplexed.

“Just…” Mito rolled her eyes. “Kai-kun, dry yourself and show Kushina around. Let me chat with these two kids about appropriate public behavior.”

“Understood,” Kai smirked and gestured to Kushina to follow him.

For some reason, the girl named Kushina nervously glanced at Mito before leaving quickly. It was noticed by everyone in the courtyard as the trio of Uzumaki shinobi looked sad.

<<<>>>

“I’m Kai. It's nice to meet you,” Kai introduced himself as Kushina sat on his bed, legs dangling. Kai observed the girl. As Mito said, the girl was pretty for her age. She was so pretty that Kai could imagine hordes of jealous boys trying to show their affection by pulling her hair or something. And Kai expected some of those idiots to turn their infatuation into ire against him.

“Hi, Kai-chan! I’m Kushina!”

Oh, he hated the bitch the second she spoke.

“It’s Kai,” he corrected.

“But… you’re younger than me?” Kushina looked confused. “So, you’re Kai-chan.”

‘I’ll hit you.’

“Mistress Mito said you were 8 this year. So am I,” Kai smiled, giving the girl the benefit of the doubt.

“Eh? You are?” Kushina blinked owlishly. “But you’re so tiny! And cute!”

Kai never even had a chance to register Kushina’s monstrously swift movements as he found himself cozying on the girl’s lap. Her proud words rang behind him.

“See? You fit like a 5-year-old kid!” Her brutish hands reach out to maul his fair cheeks. “You’re soft, too! Yes!” she declared. “You’re Kai-chan!”

‘I’m going to shave her bald when she sleeps.’

Kai’s gaze looked hollow as Kushina continued, swiftly accepting Kai as her brethren. “I’m hungry, Kai-chan? Is there a good ramen stall nearby? I never had Konoha’s ramen. I was also nervous about meeting Lady Mito. They said I have an important responsibility and won’t get to return…” Her mood soured.

“So, I couldn’t eat anything without feeling dizzy and nauseous. Come on, let’s eat some ramen, dattebane!”

Kushina’s expression stiffened as Kai slowly turned his head to observe the girl from the corner of his eyes with a wicked grin.

“I didn’t quite catch that? What was that word?”

Pale, Kushina hurriedly shook her head. “N-No. It was a slip of my tongue.”

“Ah, so you slipped… dattebane?”

“Shut up! Don’t tell anyone about it!” She squeezed her arms around Kai—effectively holding him hostage to her demands.

But who was Kai?

Never had anyone been born with nuts great enough to hold him at their demands!

“Ah! It hurts!” Kai looked pained as Kushina instantly felt guilty before she heard him snicker. “Dattebane!”

“Stop it, Kai-chan!”

“It’s Kai, dattebane!”

“Ah! Shut up!”

“Fine,” Kai sighed. “If you promise to let me go.”

Kushina looked tearful as she let him go. “Sorry. I was just excited—”

He didn’t fucking care and bolted for the door, swiftly escaping.

“Come back!”

“Never!” Kai shouted. “You may be strong now. But I’m gonna whoop your ass in a few days! It’ll be as red as your hair!”

“I’m going to be even stronger in a few days and whoop your ass green like your tiny thing!” Kushina shouted, almost gaining on Kai as he turned into the hall.

“As if,” he snorted.

“Get back, Kai-chan!”

“Stop calling me that, dattebane!”

“Stop shouting that!”

<<<>>>

Kai and Kushina stood in the hall with red marks on their left cheeks.

“You two…” Ruriko, the youthful teen aside from the dark-haired Heijo, had her flowing red locks floating like angry tentacles despite being tied into a high ponytail. She glared at the duo, snarling. “Do you two have no manners? Do NOT shout in the halls!” She yelled. “What if you disturb Lady Mito’s health? What if she got a stroke? Can’t you see she’s old?”

Kai wanted to point out… Ruriko was shouting in the hall and disrespecting Mito. But by now, he felt it was in the Uzumaki blood.

Though, not Mito… she’s always been kind to Kai.

“Sorry,” Kushina lowered her head with a tearful look as Ruriko’s anger faded.

“Sigh… Kushina. Come here.”

Ruriko knelt on a knee to meet Kushina’s gaze before pulling the girl into a loving hug. “I will miss you, sweety. I also… promise to visit you.”

Heijo frowned but didn’t interrupt as Mito watched Ruriko and Kushina with a patient smile.

“Remember to always be good. And don’t trouble Lady Mito.” Ruriko fussed. “Eat well. Beat the living shit out of anyone who bullies you in the academy. Also, don’t forget your training and be… promise me you’ll be strong.”

Kushina sobbed in Ruriko’s embrace. Then Heijo approached the girl and quietly hugged her while cradling her head.

“We’ll be leaving, Lady Mito,” Heijo waved his hands at Mito.

“Go on. You two also have other missions,” Mito nodded with a helpless smile as the duo nodded at Kai before ‘whooshing’ away.

*Hic*

Kushina continued sobbing, rubbing her eyes with her sleeves.

“Come here, you two.” Mito beckoned the duo, gently caressing their cheeks until Kai almost squeaked in disbelief.

A warm energy current replaced the sting of Ruriko’s slap as Kushina stopped crying.

“Wow! Is this iryo-ninjutsu?” Kushina wiped her tear stains. “It feels incredible, dattebane!”

Kai almost palmed his face in disappointment as Kushina blushed in shame, unable to meet Mito’s gaze.

“It is incredible, isn’t it, dattebase.”

Kai’s and Kushina’s expressions stiffened as Mito chuckled at their antics.

“Oh, Rikudo! Two datte-bitches! Purge them all with plague and fire—”

“Uh…” Kai clicked his tongue before avoiding Mito’s encouraging look. “Do you still want to eat ramen?”

Kushina’s head whipped in his direction, her hair almost cutting into his eyes. A desiring look bloomed in her violet eyes as she nodded. “I do, dattebane!”

“Yeah… come. I know a good place. Is that fine, Mistress Mito?”

“Of course, dear. Be careful and return before noon.” It was the first time Mito placed a curfew on his time.

Kushina… she was going to change things by existing alone.

“I understand,” Kai nodded while leading Kushina out. He felt remotely empathic for the girl—

“What flavors do you have in Konoha, Kai-chan?”

Forget all the empathy… he will kick her ass… when he gets strong enough.

Period.

***

Alternate Title: Others: I’ll Be The Hokage To Bring Peace *Kai: Hmm, Hokage Rock? Nope. Hate That. Must Become The Hokage And Change That*; Project COCKage; Prototype Cinnamon; The Grind; Stat-Wide Growth; Kai: Chaos Given Flesh and Blood; Head Butler Chose Death; Kai: I Wanna See Your Manager; Massage x Bitches; Kyubi Got Real Shit To Deal With; The Cycle of Hatred? Deal With The Cycle of Vomit First; The Academic Topic; Kai: I Love ‘Em Dishes To Death, Mito Boo; Swift Growth; Natural Sensor?; The Outside World; The Vortex Cage; It’s All In Your Head; The Administrative System; Safe Grind is the Best Kind; Always Prepare Alibi; Alibi Is The Protection For Safe Grind; Ten Leaves; The Arrival; A Good Day?; The Perfect Day For Skinny Dipping; Kai Is No Flasher; Heijo and Ruriko: Don’t Be Rude *Also Dem Uzumaki to Mito: What Up, OId Bitch*; Kai… Is a Chan; Kushina Got No Chill; The Dattebane Strikes; Delivery Mission; Caught Weed-Dicked; Breaking Bed?; Ramen Do Be Good; Kyubi’s Worst Fear: Datte—; Kai: Call Me Kai-Chan Again. Bitch! I Dare You! *Kushina Cries Innocently: But You Are Cute And Kai-Chan*; Tears Don’t Work On Kai… Right?; Kai’s Holy Mission To Become Swole To Get Rid of Chan

***

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